Paragon (comment you thoughts)

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by kuro21101, Apr 7, 2021.

?

Should I continue?

  1. Yes

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  2. No

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  1. kuro21101

    kuro21101 Active Member

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    TItle- Paragons
    Summary- Science, magic and isekai walked into a bar...
    Note: i am only posting this bit because i wish to know if the time skips i employed are annoying or it doesnt matter. i didnt want to overwhelm the reader with backstory at the beginning or fillers that had no meaning


    Chapter 1- New Beginnings

    Death is not something one would associate the word pleasant to, but in Quintin’s case, it was the most pleasurable pleasant thing he ever experienced. Diagnosed with cancer at the age of 25, whilst he was in med school, Quintin pursued the sciences for his entire life trying to find a way to save him that wouldn’t leave him utterly useless after. His body had rejected the Chemotherapy and radiation therapy and targeted therapy also didn’t work. It was a form of cancer the world had never seen or even conceptualised.

    Somehow, he pushed on to finish his PHD in Bioengineering and Biotechnology due to having hyperthymesia, a blessing and a curse to his already rough life. Sadly, at the age of 50, way longer than everyone thought he would live, he finally died in his lab just after finishing the cure.

    “Atleast no one would have to suffer the same fate as me…” As he took his last breath all the pain and fatigue left him as he drifted away into nothingness.


    AT THE SAME TIME ON A PLANET DIMENSIONS AWAY FROM EARTH

    “Congratulations Sarah, his face is even cuter than yours,” the nurse giggled as she handed a baby boy wrapped in cloth to his mother.

    “He is beautiful,” Randolph, the baby’s father exclaimed with tears streaming down his face.

    “Have you all already decided on a name?” the nurse asked.


    “Quintin…, his name will be Quintin Rose.”


    2 YEARS LATER.



    “Quintin! Where are you hiding honey? Mommy is coming to get you, you sneaky child,” Sarah said as she silently crept around the house trying to spot Quintin.

    Creeping up to the bottom kitchen cabinet door that was slightly ajar, Sarah smiled triumphantly.

    “Gotcha!” she shouted whilst swinging the door open, only to reveal an empty cupboard.

    “Huh?”

    “You failed again mommy,” a small voice came from behind her.

    Turning around she saw Quintin leaning on the kitchen door frame with a tiny smile on his face.

    “Oh, you sneaky devil. So, you know how to be deceptive now huh. Exactly what is your father teaching you. Humph!” Sarah pouted. Suddenly she lunged at him, hugging him tight before she started tickling him.

    “Ok mommy stop, stop, I give up, I won’t trick you again. Ahahahahahha. Please mom, stopppp!” Quintin laughed and rolled about on the ground trying to get away from his mother.

    At the same time Randolph had reached back from work and heard what Sarah had said about teaching tricks to Quintin. He tried his best to quietly sneak past but Sarah had already noticed him and immediately attacked him as well, bringing him to his knees with tickles.

    After the fun was over, Sarah carried Quintin to his room and tucked him in for the night.

    “Good night darling.”

    “Good night mom.” Quintin replied before closing his eyes and drifting asleep.

    A couple hours after, his eyes flung open.

    “Hmm, another dream about that place,” Quintin murmured. “Sometimes it isn’t too bad when it’s about those rides that go up and down but, tonight, there was so many loud ‘Booming’ noises and alarms. I want mommy.”

    Gently lowering himself to the ground, Quintin went straight to his parents’ room, and then climbed in-between them both, falling back to sleep in seconds.

    Ever since Quintin was able to learn and understand words, he picked up the skill of speaking very quickly. As a matter of fact, anything his parents thought him, he learned with relative ease. How to speak, how to write, how to walk, morals, ethics, respect, love, you name it, he understood it. His parents didn’t know how or why. Sarah was just a jeweller, and his father was a simple tech repair guy. Quintin himself hadn’t the faintest why he was able to do what he could, nor did he really care. All that mattered to him was the smile on his parent’s face, and that was enough.


    6 YEARS LATER



    It was that time of year, dreaded by all the kids in the world. The beginning of school. In Skala, the continent/country Quintin resides in, there was one school every parent wanted their child to get into. Skala’s International School. The nominated, most prestigious school in the world, which was run by the Liandris Royal Family. To get in, one would have to pay a hefty fee and pass a vigorous test, but for Quintin, Sarah and Randolph had been saving up for years, even from before he was born. As for the tests, they had absolutely no worry what so ever.

    “Okay honey, remember to double check your work and pay attention to the details. Also look out for trick questions alright. Also make sure between tests you rest your tiny brain. Though powerful it also deserves rest okay. If anything at all happens me and your father would be right there in the waiting room. On the breaks you can come over I made your favourite sandwiches. Uh um, am I forgetting anything Hun?” Sarah exasperatedly asked her husband.

    “No darling I think you covered it all. Come now, who was the one telling me not to worry, that our son is the brightest there is. Let’s allow him to run along now, the tests will begin shortly,” Randolph consoled his wife before giving Quintin a hug and wishing him luck.

    “Don’t worry mom, I will ace this test easily!” Quintin declared whilst running away towards to the grand entrance of the school.

    Arriving at the doors, there was a slight line, where Quintin had to show his id card before entrance.

    ‘This place is huge,’ Quintin thought. ‘It kinda looks like those great buildings from my dreams. Hmm what was it called again…oh right Cathedrals. I remember everything else but my dreams properly, my brain truly is still tiny.’

    As Quintin wobbled about to the guards at the door, he couldn’t help but notice that he was the only ‘kid’ kid. Everyone else looked about 12 years old and up.

    ‘Am I the only 8-year-old?’ at this time, Quintin felt a little lonely. He didn’t know these people, and his parents couldn’t come with him per rules of the school.

    ‘You can do this Quin!’ he hyped himself up as he faced the guard in full armour plating.

    “Identification Papers please young man.”

    Quite contrary to her appearance, the female guard’s voice was quite pleasing to the ear and helped relax Quintin’s pounding heart.

    “Here you go miss guard.”

    “Oh, 8 years old and already enrolling to school. Someone is quite ambitious now.”

    “I just want my parents to be proud of me.” Quintin replied with a smile so bright that made everyone around smile as well.

    “That’s good Mr. Quintin, I wish you the best. I know you will accomplish all you intend to achieve.” The female guard replied whilst handing back his papers.

    “Go straight down and take a right. The first classroom on the left is where your tests will be held.”

    “Thank you very much miss guard. I will not let you down.” Quintin said as he ran off to officially start a new chapter in his life.
     
  2. kuro21101

    kuro21101 Active Member

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    Please Give Your Feedback
     
  3. Pipinkj

    Pipinkj Well-Known Member

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    Okay, if I’m honest, it feels too fast paced for me. I feel no attraction to the MC to continue reading and the way it’s written feels like a montage or something, just flashes of the MC’s life (which maybe you were going for but it just didn’t work for me).
    I feel like the time skip are good, but for one chapter, it felt like too many skips. I think it would be good to expand a little just to help flesh out the character and make him more attractive to the audience.
    And, because you want to avoid adding useless fillers and info, you make a lot of concise sentences which at some parts make it feel like I’m reading a plot summary rather than a chapter of a book/novel. I feel like your style of writing would work better with a comic or webtoon since you also use a lot of dialogue—which is nice— but doesn’t give enough description to the reader because we don’t have that visual element that a comic would have to help us.
    In my opinion, fillers aren’t that bad. Sometimes it can be useful to add dimension to the characters that you could have trouble showing solely based off the main plot line. It only becomes a problem when there is too much.
    You don’t have to take my opinion too seriously, after all, I’m just one person and might not even be your target audience. I just thought my thoughts might be a little useful, but if you disagree, feel free to ignore them because you can honestly just write whatever the hell you want.
    **Edit: I realize that I might have given you feedback in areas that you might not have wanted or was asking for so sorry in advance(^_^*)! Also, I hope I didn’t come off as being hypercritical, and I think your story is pretty good~!
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2021
  4. Goblin Sleuth

    Goblin Sleuth Well-Known Member

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    Just scrap all those snippets of his life, jumping through random points in his childhood with time skips so quickly is discombobulating. Instead just start telling the story in the point in time you actually want the to tell the story. If there is any information from his past that we need to know there are multiple ways to tell it.
    • You as the narrator can just tell us.
    • Some event could trigger a flashback, or do it through a dream.
    • The protagonist could talk about it in thoughts, or to someone else.
    Basically the problem is what the previous person said it feels too fast paced. Time skips can work, but not if only a few dozen lines of text separate each time skip. Now if each part of his life had at the very least one or two whole chapters that would be another story completely.
     
  5. Halcyon Observer

    Halcyon Observer Setting in motion

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    I seem to have accidentally deleted everything I just wrote.

    Anyways in a nutshell:
    2-year-old cutscene doesn't do anything to describe the family because the family is a run of the mill family.
    More concern over a 2-year-old capable of articulation and ability to employ deception, and how these parents aren't somehow concerned their child is possessed by a demon and is plotting to kill them within the next 15 months. This is where you can bs a science or magic (not really, please don't bs science or magic) here as a sort of reason why this is common, or if not common, normal. Also, does MC still have perfect memory from science whatever or pure coincidence or another reason? Is cancer cured and will he be able to remember that?
    12-year-olds going to school. Did they receive injections that made them emotionally-mature adults that don't feel their pride is in danger when someone else makes eye contact with their crush for 0.000024 seconds longer than the 0.00000 second tolerance policy they have to let accidents slide? You know, unlike the normal way 12-year-olds act in this world.
    upload_2021-4-6_22-8-4.png
    What does this school teach? Kindergarten? Primary Education? A complete course to a doctorate degree of any academic discipline of their choosing? Because it would sure suck ass to spend a good ten years or maybe more saving on fucking glorified Kindergarten, unless the parents are working in some kind of slave labor paid volunatary menial work jobs, where they are so passionate about their work they don't complain about the lack of safety regulations, their boss paying any disparity between minimum wage and their salary with extra hours, and having to practice escaping through the back whenever some rather mean people in blue uniforms bust down the front door.
     
  6. kuro21101

    kuro21101 Active Member

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    hey thanks , any criticism for me right now is good criticism. i will take what you have said in mind and attempt to rectify and adjust in a remake of the chapter.
     
  7. kuro21101

    kuro21101 Active Member

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    flesh it out more. got it. thanks alot for the feedback
     
  8. kuro21101

    kuro21101 Active Member

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    i hear you. everything you asked were further plot points that would be addressed in the story. also just to clear up your last paragraph without spoiling the entire story, the premise of the story is supposed to be about combining science and magic in the most logical way i can think of. this world is a world that was recently (100 years or so) opened up to magicules (magic, just wanted it to sound fancy) due to being invaded. it was purely scientific before. think of the world as going into the industrialisation era as it did irl, but also add real magic, mysticism etc. so tbh a kid being born into this new world who can hold conversations and employ simple deceptive tactics aint too weird. also he being young in a school with almost if not every other kid being older than him and more talented than him in certain aspects is a conflict point in the story. i will use what you have said and try to show exactly where the story is heading in the other two chapters. thank you alot for your feedback, much appreciated
     
  9. LaDyViL

    LaDyViL New Member Staff Member

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