Planning to Revise my Novel, Please give feedback

Discussion in 'Author Discussions' started by DalangTala, Mar 28, 2020.

  1. DalangTala

    DalangTala Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    49
    Reading List:
    Link
    Title: Merge Riot!

    I'm planning to revise my novel. It may take some time but I would like to ask feedback on the following:
    • Title - Is it confusing?Does it grab attention? Is it suitable for my novel?
    • Synopsis - Is it interesting? Does it make sense?
    • First Chapter - Does it make you want to continue reading the novel? Are there issues or things that irks you?
    • Main Character - Any thoughts about her? Is she even likeable?

    I know it's often boring to read a lot so those are my main concerns. If you have the time to read all of the 12 released chapters, please give feedback on the following:
    • Narration - Is it clear? Are there things that you want to recommended?
    • Characters - Are they distinguishable from one another?
    • Pacing - Is it too fast? Too slow? Just right?
    • Concept - What are your comments on the presented content so far?

    If there are additional comments on other areas, I will really appreciate it. Thank you!
     
  2. Martialegg

    Martialegg Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2017
    Messages:
    445
    Likes Received:
    508
    Reading List:
    Link
    Since I'm an amateur writer myself, I can't really help you here ;-;

    But from a reader perspective, I think that title is too... shallow? I'm not sure how to describe it.
     
  3. Ekfreet

    Ekfreet Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2019
    Messages:
    1,002
    Likes Received:
    1,523
    Reading List:
    Link
    Seems fine to me tho.
     
    otaku31 likes this.
  4. PedoBear Version 2.0

    PedoBear Version 2.0 「 Lvl. 69 Legendary Pantsu Hunter !」

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2018
    Messages:
    676
    Likes Received:
    599
    Reading List:
    Link
    IMG_20200328_101627.jpg

    Yup, a little too bland... Readers would simply swipe pass through your novel among the countless other novel out there...
     
    Elianere and DalangTala like this.
  5. Amaruna Myu

    Amaruna Myu forgetful procrastinyator

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2016
    Messages:
    2,916
    Likes Received:
    2,365
    Reading List:
    Link
    the title does not sound as attention grabbing as the synopsis. recommending jp wn style titles
    I think I bookmarked your novel before due to recommendations but idk what happened
     
    DalangTala likes this.
  6. thisworldofmine1

    thisworldofmine1 Grandmaster of BL Cultivation

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2017
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    455
    Reading List:
    Link
    I don't get the title... And what is "Merge Riot" as a phrase?
    And there are some grammar mistakes in the summary.
    Also, Can you slightly describe her personality so that readers can see if they want to read a story with an MC like that, etc?
    Sorry if I sound so harsh
     
    DalangTala likes this.
  7. DalangTala

    DalangTala Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    49
    Reading List:
    Link
    I thought so. I'm thinking of changing the title, too. Any advice?
     
  8. DalangTala

    DalangTala Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    49
    Reading List:
    Link
    Harsh is better since I'm planning a revise. I appreciate honesty over flattery.
    Can you point the grammar mistakes in the summary? That will help me a lot.
    As for describing her personality, are you referring to the synopsis? Or chapter 1?
     
  9. DalangTala

    DalangTala Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    49
    Reading List:
    Link
    Ohhh. That's a surprise. Have you read the 1st chapter? I would really appreciate a comment on that first chapter.
     
  10. Bellilelly

    Bellilelly Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2017
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    21
    Reading List:
    Link
    Lol when I first read the title, just now, I was expecting this novel to be an action action type like One Punch Man POOW:blobhero::blobhero:! Until I clicked onto it and read the synopsis, which I really like cuz it sounds interesting.

    can’t say much about it rn but I’ll go ahead and read it before coming back!
    Excited :blob_sunglasses::blob_sunglasses:
     
    DalangTala likes this.
  11. Ner0

    Ner0 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2017
    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    165
    Reading List:
    Link
    Expectation eh.
    You have written 12 chapters, what do you expect your readers to give you, what do you expect your story to be?
    This is really a virus that eats away at a writer's soul. Expectation is like climbing a mountain with shoes that drag you down.
    If writers could write for a limited period of time each day, according to schedule and just move on when the work is done, it would be much simpler to succeed as a writer.
    I say this but I'm also in the same situation, I tend to give too much importance to my work and it awakens the perfectionism in me that want to edit and find issues instead of writing to progress the story.
    Instead of a review, I can share an advice: don't hold any expectation toward your work, write because it's time to write. Stop and let go of your story when it's not time to work. If your thoughts are constantly going back to your story, your mind will become a mess that slows down your progress.
     
  12. DalangTala

    DalangTala Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    49
    Reading List:
    Link
    Thank you for the effort! I'll be waiting for your feedback. *I really appreciate the effort*
     
  13. DalangTala

    DalangTala Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    49
    Reading List:
    Link
    Exactly. But I my self control is a bit...
    Anyway I'm dead set on doing this *just this time*
     
  14. kgggdkp2012

    kgggdkp2012 Void ReapeR(8th grade syndrome patient)

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2016
    Messages:
    456
    Likes Received:
    251
    Reading List:
    Link
    I am also a shit writer can't comment on others.
     
    DalangTala likes this.
  15. ludagad

    ludagad Addicted to escapist novels

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2015
    Messages:
    2,680
    Likes Received:
    8,155
    Reading List:
    Link
    Well, I wanna be helpful, but I also don't have a lot of free time (online exams for me soon lol). First impressions (shallow stuff only):

    Title seemed masculine to me. I expected a male MC, so my enthusiasm was 50% gone till I saw you mentioned a female MC. I think the title has a Western standard of being short and involved with the plot, while the synopsis suggests Japanese novel roots. It's all my personal taste, but I do like how some novels spare you reading the synopsis by just having a more descriptive title. Not necessarily the long Japanese ones, but the Chinese ones are pretty decent to me. Thinking of titles is a pain, lol. The Japanese title equivalent would be - Reincarnated as a villainess in the otome games world, or something. The Chinese title would be a bit more exciting - Reincarnation: This capture target, I'm not your heroine, or something. Lol. After reading your synopsis, I realized why you picked the title, but by itself, it won't attract a lot of lazy female readers (just the curious ones who'd click on anything, or the author followers/stalkers).

    The synopsis. Actually very well written and managed to intrigue me. I'd leave it, unless you have your own idea of polishing it further. The only thing that jumps out to me is the last sentence "This is not right. We don't even belong in the same otome game. Why are you following me?", since the previous one is already a question - Why is a capturable target following her? So maybe I'd change the last question (MC's thoughts) to something declarative that's suitable to MC's character. Another minor note is that it's not very clear that Colette Corliss is the MC. For a second, I thought we were going the yuri route. But I'm smart (lol), so I caught on. You might want to make it a bit clearer in case people are speed-reading and don't immediately make logical connections. I don't meant o add an info dump, just a small addition like ''the reincarnated Colette Corliss, " or any other way you find suitable to phrase it.

    The MC. First impression is that she's the type who just likes to see the world in chaos? So someone who'd add to the chaos and then watch the show. Based on that impression, I find her interesting. Certainly a lot more entertaining than the silly, innocent and sweet heroines you usually get. Seems like she'd be more active, rather than let the plot happen to her, or run away to live as a commoner away from trouble like certain other novels I've seen >_>. She definitely made me more eager to read the story.

    I skimmed over the first three chapters. Quite literally, just to see how much dialogue you put and the type of narration you use. I didn't spend a lot of time on it, so take this as a very quick first impression. It looked like you escaped the typical Japanese inspired story writing type - the script-like writing. That's a major plus for me. The dialogue seems sort of well-balanced with the narration, but at times it's a bit too much dialogue. I've seen some stories that actually devolve to mainly dialogue each chapter and I realize it's easier to write, but it's a novel, not a screenplay. I'd suggest to avoid falling into this sweet trap. Try cutting off unnecessary dialogue and using some narration where possible. I saw that you describe actions more than introspections, and I do like that. It's so easy to fall into purple prose just to double up the word count, so I like that you've avoided that. I didn't see whether you do this or not, but it'd be nice to also describe the scenes and settings as well. Imagine that you're the director of a movie. You're not only interested in talking heads, but also atmosphere and visuals, actions and emotions.

    So yeah, in conclusion, I think you'd get more clicks as long as the title is suitable. Some more interest can be gained if you include a little something about the male lead that can get the potential readership excited. As for the writing itself, the more you write and read, the more you'll notice how to improve by yourself. Good luck!
     
    DalangTala likes this.
  16. DalangTala

    DalangTala Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2019
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    49
    Reading List:
    Link
    Thank you for the long comment. This is very helpful and made me notice things I haven't notice before.
    I hope you'll survive your exams (they are such a pain, comrade).
     
    ludagad likes this.
  17. burningphoenix

    burningphoenix Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2015
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    5
    Reading List:
    Link
    Two things I noticed:

    -I don't think riot is the right word, at least to me it implies fighting and violence (search riot in google image and you'll see what I mean). I think something like Otome Merge?! would better describe the story, or directly go for the japanese LN title style, which is what you parody.

    -The first paragraph of your synopsis is too much of you telling and not showing. Besides the rest of the synopsis is from the MC's point of view, so maybe you could replace it with something about her thoughts about Earth, or an interaction she had that tell us the same thing
     
    DalangTala likes this.
  18. Amaruna Myu

    Amaruna Myu forgetful procrastinyator

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2016
    Messages:
    2,916
    Likes Received:
    2,365
    Reading List:
    Link
    constructive(?) criticism:
    grammar is inconsistent.
    too much dialogue.
    too slow paced.
    too many descriptions.

    sadly, I have the same problems as you do, so it's simply the pot calling the kettle black
     
    DalangTala likes this.
  19. Bellilelly

    Bellilelly Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2017
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    21
    Reading List:
    Link
    I agree w some of the previous comments that there’s a lil too much dialogue, not that I mind, but I did feel a lil impatient when I was reading the first three chapters cuz it just feels draggy and irrelevant. Although I do like the relationship and back and forth w Eva, but idk personal preference, I would like/rather like Eva to appear in her flashback to show how much she cares about Eva and miss her. But at the same time won’t that OOC from her detached attitude...? Idk I just feel xoxo def rlly like Eva and treasure her cuz she’s the only that tolerated her and remained as a friend(for ex when they where bickering back and forth in the hospital bed)

    but I feel like beside the slow progress in the first three chapter which lead up to the climax(?) of her isekaid in the 4th chap, everything else become really interesting. I caught myself rlly engaged into the story especially the umbarabara scene, like I feel fully enjoying the story during the 4th chap ( bc I no longer remember thinking about anything else besides picturing the scene in my head blobmelt_thumbsblobmelt_thumbseven though there’s a bunch of noises around me, loud TV..:blobdizzy::blobdizzy::notlikeblob:)

    but overall it’s really nice!! im glad ur able to reach out and ask for comments and changes:blobhero:! Also happy u continue to write the story. Bc for a long time i had a story in mind but idk how to develop/execute it.:sweating_profusely::notlikeblob:.. whatever one day I’ll figure and share it:blobpeek:
     
  20. Galooza

    Galooza The One True Walapalooza

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2017
    Messages:
    208
    Likes Received:
    167
    Reading List:
    Link
    Pretty much what's been said about the title, it doesn't really make sense in terms of what the story's actually about. I'm going to say the same about the synopsis too as I personally hate dialogue in synopses. All I get from yours is a very chaotic theme and character who's going to get isekai'd, but that's not a draw for me at all. I need an overarching story beyond that to want to read, personally. It's probably because of all that that I wasn't completely into what I did read and didn't feel like I was following what was happening.

    Agree about the slow start. I'd look for places you can possibly join together to condense the first three to two, ideally even one. I'm not the biggest fan of slice of life narration & dialogue generally, but your writing was very interesting and funny in that regard. But you still want to cut down on the unknown opening as much as possible.

    This isn't wrong, it's just your command of the English language. Your grammar's fairly good overall and you even know some less common phrasing, but as a native speaker, my only minor gripe is that a lot of your phrasing is very non-colloquial and not how people actually talk. Naturally, not everyone's a native speaker so it may not bother too many here, but it's something to consider if you want further outreach.
     
    DalangTala likes this.