Question rate my translation (no spam or hijack)

Discussion in 'Translator's Corner' started by tact, Jan 8, 2016.

?

how it my work

  1. 1/5, trash (worse then mtl)

    26.7%
  2. 2/5 (better then trash)

    48.9%
  3. 3/5 (not bad but not good ok ok)

    22.2%
  4. 4/5 (good)

    2.2%
  5. 5/5 (same as other translator or better)

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  1. tact

    tact the master mind AND The Communicator #1

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    disclmation:- i know that this project is undertaken by some else but this is just done out of intrest please visit http://joeglens.com/otherworld-nation-founding/ch1-ep5.5/ if you like the series

    for all those people who say that 3 chap in a week is slow:- dont you ever dare to say that traslators are slow it takes 3hr to translate a chap if they are doing it for free you should never say anything about being slow as they are wasting thier 3 hr of life for you for free

    done

    here is my work please rate it for
    chp 6 hunting

    I held the bow and aiming at the target.Drawing-up the arrow i aim and shoot.The arrow disappeared in the forest passing through the side of the target"The leader is poor. "(ron)So this is the 10 Th shoot.I give the bow to ronThe archery is very difficult.it takes considerable effort to pull the string as it is hardaiming is also hard because my hands constantly shakeI am not unskillful at it,

    Its just that archery is difficult!
    ron draw an arrow ,aim at the target and shoot.
    The arrow hit the ground front of the target.
    "so even you cant do it ron?
    it seems hunting is impossible"
    What shall we do?
    I was in trouble
    "don't say that with a happy face! be mature!"(ron)
    "i am a kid"
    "with a mind of adult"(ron)
    he is a persistent guy.
    The mind is a thing but its The spirit that has pulled into this body not mind!
    When I was quarreling with ron, gram took the bow away from us.
    And he draw it silently and shoots it.
    The arrow splendidly hit the target. "It is a lie!"
    "It is funny that gram can do it!"(ron)
    "even if it hit the target...."
    It's a fluke.
    Must be a fluke.
    it cant be that gram who do not look like a athletic at all and was clumsy could hit the target
    "lets try one more time"
    "ahm.. yes"(gram)
    Gram nods and set the arrow up again.
    Arrows easily hit the target.
    This does not seem to be an accident........"
    Even I cannot easily bend the bowstring of the bow, it is considerably hard, And, it easily hits the target that even I am not able to graze...... It seems, you have good reflexes? "
    "Eh? ahmm.., Yes... Maybe... "(gram)
    Perhaps, its possible
    grams seems to have more confidence
    "teach me the trick"(ron)
    "It 's not Well ...... draw bow from back not from arms"(gram)
    pull it by the back?
    For now lets proceeds as gram says,
    I was able to easily draw it to the full when I did so it.
    Though it did not hit target.
    Oh well, It is probably good.
    The hunting will be entrusted to gram.
    "after three years we will lost the support of griffonand he wont provide us meat.Whether or not we can eat meat will depend on your skills gram.Do your best!"
    I said and patted the gram's shoulder
    Gram nods with a tense face.
    "But there is only one bow?Gram you should have it. lets not get more bows."
    "Okay, take it easy. We will see about hunting later
    but first of all I want you to see this"
    "What's this? a Bag?"(children)
    "It is a slingshot"
    The griffon catches rabbits for us.
    i made it from those rabbits skin
    Structure was simple, but It was pretty hard to make one.
    "it is used this way"
    I set the stone in the sling, and shake my arm greatlyThe stone flew considerably far.
    " if we train we may be able to catch some birds"
    and it is quiet easy to prepareI already have three.
    with help of all the people,we can make it in no time
    "Children are pestered to let them self do it.Yes, i am a cool guys but this is tough.
    ----------------------------------------------------------
    "Good catch! its Pretty big... "
    I look at Ron's foot.
    Five fish which are bigger than the fish which I just caught ……
    "What. "
    "leader has very poor talent. It is terrible. "(ron)
    "Do not say that twice.!"
    "There's only two fishing rods the one that leader have better be given to another guy."(tetora)
    Tetora-Chan’s is right
    It's a sound argument.
    However, The such words are bad for my stomach
    It is not so important
    I have no hard feelings, no!
    "There is no help for it, let's give it to Soyon.
    You two should a do fishing date"
    "..date .. !What is the leader saying... Soyon and I are.........."(ron)
    Ron's face become bright red It is good, I won.I enjoyed a sense of superiority.
    ---------------------------------------
    "This grass can be eat.Those nut cause diarrhea if we just eat them, but the toxin falls out if we soak it in water"(griphon)
    does griffon eat other than the meat?"
    "It's natural.There are times when children also once in a while eat grass . "(griphon)
    Even a griffon.It is healthy.
    speaking of him, in which is class is he classified? mammals and birds?
    Ahh... it does not matter

    "why are you doing this? are you not going to farm?"(griphon)
    "Because agriculture is tough with changes in the natural environment and i myself, do not know a lot about agriculture ,There is a possibility of failing, too. so as an insurance we are finding different food source "
    These children were deserted because the famine occurs.
    There is no guaranty that same thing wont happen in our fields.
    "Well, yeah.Then, let return to the territory . i am Sleepy."(griphon)
    The griffon said so and flapped his wings.
    The griffon flies away in no time.

    "I back now?"
    It was when I tried to return to the village.
    A cry went up.
    It is rosewood's voice!
    I started running
    .I hold the handle of the iron sword which I brought for self-protection purpose.

    <a paragraph is missing here because even after chasseing 5 translator i could not make a head or tail out of but this paragraph is not importance>
    I heard multiple voices as I ran.
    "Hey, little shit Do not move!"(man)
    "Stop! Even if Kidnapped me, there is no use.I abandoned by my parents! My parents will not give you anything!"
    (rosewood)
    "Stupid kid! I know that.(man)
    I have heard that you are in possession of lot of iron swords"(man)
    opponent is a human!
    Was it a mistake shit to have shown off an iron sword?
    But it seems to be weaker than a wolf or a bear.
    I feel a little relieved.
    Time when I learned the kendo from the director of the orphanage, it will be usefulA man and Roswald enter my field view.
    its good that rosewood is safe.
    the man is alone.Moreover,i can atk man's back.
    I take out a slingshot.
    Rosewood-Kun is guarded by man's back, so he is not hurt
    The stone shot from the sling splendidly hit the man's head.
    "ahhhh.."(man)<i am not sure>
    the man let go of rosewood, and holds his head.
     "Rozuwado kun !! Runas fast as you can!" When I say so, rosewood came running towards me.
    we start to run as fast as we can


    ---------------------
    here is raws
    俺から十メートル先に木の板が立ててある。
     俺はその板を睨みながら、弓を引く。
     矢を引き絞り、狙いを澄まし、放つ。

     矢は見事に板の横を通過して森の中へ消えた。

     ……

     「リーダー下手くそ。これで十回目だよ」
     「う、うるせえよ! じゃあお前出来るのか!!」
     俺は弓をロン君に押し付けた。

     弓というのはすごく難しいのだ。
     弦が固いからかなり力を入れないと引き絞れない。
     力を入れないと狙いもぶれる。

     俺が下手くそなんじゃなくて、弓が難しいんだよ!

     ロン君は矢を引き絞り、狙いを澄ませる。
     そして放つ。

     矢は板のすぐ手前の地面にめり込んだ。

     「ロン君も出来ないのか。これじゃあ狩猟が出来ないじゃないか。どうしよう。困った」
     「そんな嬉しそうな顔で言うなよ! 大人げないぞ!!」
     「俺、子供だよ?」
     「精神は大人なんだろ!!」
     五月蠅い奴だ。精神は肉体に引っ張られるものなんだよ!!

     俺とロン君が言い合いをしていると、グラム君が俺たちから弓を奪った。
     そして無言で引き絞り、放つ。
     矢は見事に板に命中した。

     「嘘だろ!!」
     「グラムができるなんて可笑しい!!」
     「そ、そんなこと言われても……」
     まぐれだ。まぐれに違いない。
     見るからに運動音痴そうなグラム君が矢を命中させるなんてあるはずがない。

     「もう一回やってみて」
     「う、うん」
     グラム君は頷き、再び矢を構える。
     矢はあっさり板に命中した。

     これはまぐれじゃないみたいだな……

     「俺でさえかなり硬く感じる弓の弦をあっさり引き絞り、そして俺が掠りもさせられなかった板にあっさり命中させる……実は君、運動神経良いの?」
     「え? う、うん……多分……」
     多分って何なんだよ。もっと自信持てよ。

     「コツを教えてくれ」
     「えっと……弓や腕じゃなくて、背中で引くんだよ」
     背中で引く?
     取り敢えずグラムに手取り、足取り、教えてもらう。

     そうしたら簡単に引き絞ることができた。
     当たらなかったけど。

     まあいい。狩猟はグラム君に任せよう。

     「この三年が過ぎたらグリフォンの支援は無くなる。そうすると肉が食べれなくなる。俺たちが肉を食えるかどうかは君の腕前に懸かっている。頑張ってくれ!」
     俺はそう言ってグラム君の肩を叩いた。
     グラム君は緊張した顔で頷く。

     「でも弓って一つしかないよな? グラムだけじゃ厳しくね。もっと貰ってこないと」
     「まあまあ、慌てるな。俺も考えてある。取り敢えずこれを見て欲しい」
     「なにこれ? 袋?」
     「投石器だよ」
     グリフォンの奴は俺たちのためにウサギなんかを捕まえてきてくれる。その皮を剥ぎ取って作ったのだ。
     構造は簡単だが、結構苦労した。

     「こうやって使う」
     俺は投石器に石をセットして、大きく腕を振る。
     石はかなり遠くまで飛んでいった。

     「訓練すれば鳥くらいは落とせるようになるかもしれない。それに何より作るのが簡単だ。すでに三つ出来てる。手伝ってくれれば全員分、あっという間に用意できる」
     子供たちが自分にもやらせてくれとせがんできた。
     いやー、モテる男は辛いな。



    ___________


     「よし、釣れた!! どうだ! 結構大きく……」
     俺はロン君の足元を見る。
     そこには俺が今釣った魚よりも大きい魚が五匹……

     「何なんだよ!」
     「リーダーが凄く下手くそなだけだよ。すごく」
     「二回も言うな!!」
     俺の心が持たない。

     「釣り竿が二本しかないから一本はリーダーじゃなくて別の奴が持った方がいいよな」
     ぐぬぬぬぬ
     正論だ……

     でも、釣りじゃそんなにお腹は満たせないし。
     そんなに重要じゃないし。
     悔しくなんてないんだから!

     「しょうがない、じゃあソヨンちゃんにでもあげよう。二人でラブラブ釣りデートでもしてればいい」
     「な! 何言ってるんだよリーダー! 俺とソヨンはそんなんじゃ」
     顔を真っ赤にするロン君。
     よし、勝った。

     俺は優越感に浸った。

    __________

     「この草は食べれる。あの木の実はそのまま食べれば腹を下すが、水に漬ければ毒素が抜ける」
     「さすがグリフォン様。ところでグリフォン様は肉以外も食べるんですか?」
     「当たり前だ。我もたまには草を食べたくなる時があるのでな」
     さすがグリフォン。
     ヘルシーだな。
     というか上半身は鳥なんだから木の実を食べても何も可笑しくないな。
     いや、鳥は鳥でも猛禽類だから可笑しいか。

     そう言えばこいつ、哺乳類と鳥類、どっちに分類されるんだ?
     どうでもいいか。

     「お主はどうしてこんなことを聞いてくる? 農業をするのでは無かったのか?」
     「農業は自然環境の変化に厳しいので。それに俺自身、そこまで農業に詳しいわけではありません。失敗する可能性もある。だから保険として」

     あの子供たちが捨てられたのは飢饉が起きたからだ。
     俺たちの畑で同様のことが起こらないという確信はない。

     「うむ、そうか。では我はそろそろ領地へ戻るぞ。眠いのでな」
     グリフォンはそう言って羽ばたいた。
     グリフォンはあっという間に飛び去ってしまう。

     「俺もそろそろ戻るかな」
     俺は村に帰ろうとした時だった。
     叫び声が上がった。

     これはロズワード君の声!!

     俺は走り出した。
     護身用として持ってきた鉄剣の柄を握る。

     どんな動物も顔は弱い。
     顔を殴れば驚いて退散してくれるだろう。
     もし怒り狂ってくるようなら……ロズワード君だけを逃がそう。どうせ無くなるはずだった命なのだから。

     走っていると、声が複数風に乗って聞こえてきた。
     「おい、動くなクソガキ!」
     「やめろ!! 俺なんか攫ってもしょうがないぞ。俺は親に捨てられたんだ! 俺の親はお前に食糧なんて渡さない!!」
     「バカだな! そんなことは知ってるんだよ。鉄剣をたくさん持ってるんだろ?」

     相手は人か!
     クソ、鉄剣を見せびらかしたのは失策だったか。

     でもオオカミやクマよりは弱そうだ。
     俺は少しだけ安心する。

     孤児院の院長から習った剣道が役に立つ時が来た。

     俺の視界に男とロズワード君が入る。良かった。ロズワ―ド君は無事だ。そして男も一人。
     しかも男の背後を取ることができている。

     俺は投石器を取り出す。男の背中で守られているので、ロズワード君に当たることはない。安心して投げられる。

     投石器から放たれた石は見事に男の頭にヒット。
     「痛ってえ!」
     男はロズワード君を放して、頭を抱えた。

     「ロズワード君!! 今のうちに!」
     俺がそう言うと、ロズワード君は俺の方へ走ってきた。

     さあ、早く逃げないとな。

    ________

    please rate
    ps: this was hard
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2016
  2. The Darkness

    The Darkness 『False God』

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    I would, but I am really tired. Maybe later. For now I will watch this topic.
     
  3. Crazyh3

    Crazyh3 Well-Known Member

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    You need to use spellcheck.

    I don't understand the original language, so I can't rate it on that front.

    In terms of grammar... I'd give it a 2/5. You need to use a spell checker e.g. https://www.openoffice.org/ then use openoffice writer and paste TL into there, make sure language is set to English, then run spellcheck. It will find quite a lot of bits.

    I assumed lnmtl.com to be a 1.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2016
  4. Sproutling

    Sproutling We are the Sproutlings

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    Is this MTL?
     
  5. Crazyh3

    Crazyh3 Well-Known Member

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  6. Sproutling

    Sproutling We are the Sproutlings

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  7. Sproutling

    Sproutling We are the Sproutlings

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    many mistake, few sentece didn't make sense. So 2/5 not going past it.
     
  8. palaraya

    palaraya Well-Known Member

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    2.5-3
    roswald, rosewood, rozawado and need spellcheck
     
  9. Shio

    Shio Moderator Staff Member

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    There's grammar error, and punctuation problem. Capital letter is important.
    This line is unclear.
     
  10. tact

    tact the master mind AND The Communicator #1

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    done spell cheack i translate it line by line by 5 tranlators(it is quite usefull to use multiple of them) so grammer can be bad i did not give it i final touch :p
    ps: my vocablory is bad not grammer
     
  11. Doskas

    Doskas Lord of the Golden Eagles

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    The biggest issue here is the grammar, the second issue would be punctuation. For example

    [ "The leader is poor. "(ron)
    So this is the 10 Th shoot. ]

    Change "ron" to "Ron" and keep doing so a name is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

    For the second sentence in this there are a few changes that could be made. The first would be the proper use of past tense with "shoot" it should be "shot" as the action already happened. "10 Th" should be done as "10th" or "tenth" the space is unnecessary as well as the capitalization. A different way to type that sentence would be "That was the tenth shot" it denotes that the action took place in the past rather than currently ongoing. As for me using "tenth" rather than "10th" its just my preference.
     
  12. Crazyh3

    Crazyh3 Well-Known Member

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    The grammar is bad too :(
     
  13. Lachiel

    Lachiel Paradise Lost

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    I'll look over it when I'm off work. But just a FYI I'm pretty brutal with mtls. :x
     
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  14. Doskas

    Doskas Lord of the Golden Eagles

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    Don't be too harsh on him buddy everyone starts somewhere.
     
  15. qzty

    qzty From normal-fag to F5-er Jack of Spades

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    Hammer time!!!!!!
     
  16. Crazyh3

    Crazyh3 Well-Known Member

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    I pull the bow, aiming at the plate.Drawing-up the arrow i aim and shoot.
    This is sentence 1 and it's ambiguous.
    You don't pull a bow unless you are bending it into shape. You can pull the bowstring, but if you are, then the start of the second sentence is irrelevant.

    I would go for:

    I held the bow and aimed at the plate. Drawing back the arrow, I aimed and shot.
     
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  17. tact

    tact the master mind AND The Communicator #1

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    i will try to edit it my self giving a finishing touch
     
  18. Lachiel

    Lachiel Paradise Lost

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    :) as someone who is taking time to learn a language to read stuff... mtls better atleast have some good editing
     
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  19. oblueknighto

    oblueknighto Blue Person

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    Uhh, improve your English.
     
  20. Ldyrdy

    Ldyrdy Snowfallsdown

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    I can't say anything.. But at least it is readable.. ^^ and for me.. Sometimes I translate it words per words for sentences that didn't make sense.. Hope it helps ^^
     
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