Short Stories From EloiSnow

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by EloiSnow, Dec 11, 2018.

  1. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    Last edited: Dec 21, 2018
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  2. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    Here it is
    A Strange Meeting

    The evening was long gone. Night was closing in on the city. In a dingy backstreet dull streetlights were throwing long slanting shadows over the few people walking on it.

    There were only a few of them, though. It was at the back of the bustling heart of the city. Only those living on and around the street ever walked it.

    Thibaut walked down the street slowly. He was holding a rolled canvas in his left hand. He shivered as a gust of cold wind swept down the street and hit him mercilessly. His worn out clothes offered a flimsy protection against the freezing winter night. He hurried his steps. He had to reach the warm shelter of his room as soon as possible.

    At the bend of the street stood a street light, throwing an eerie glow of dull yellow around it. A man was standing beneath it. He was holding a long rolled object in his left hand. From a distance the object looked familiar to Thibaut.

    He drew nearer and as he was passing the man, he could not help but look at the man’s hand, holding the familiar-looking object. His eyes took in the frayed edges of the coat-sleeve, the worn-out glove, the rolled white object…

    A rolled canvas! Held in a hand that was so familiar to him!

    Stunned, he looked up at the face of the man. It was half-hidden in the shadow thrown by the tattered edges of an old hat.

    Still he could see who the man was. There was no mistake in it!

    He was staring at himself!

    The doppelganger continued to stare at him with cold unblinking eyes. A stifled cry escaped Thibaut’s lips. He staggered back and started to run down the street. He had to flee as far as possible…

    He was breathing hard when he reached his room. He felt his heart hammering against his chest. Pulling off his gloves and throwing away his hat, Thibaut went to the basin and splashed cold water on his face. He was trying hard to calm down his mind.

    But his mind was already on a fiery ride. It rolled and rolled through the dark crevices of foreboding and premonition. Why did he have to face a doppelganger all on a sudden? He kept on asking himself.

    That night he had a strange dream.

    In his dream, he walked through a valley lit up by a dull glowing light. Queer trees raised their heads here and there. The ground beneath was stony.

    He walked forward on the rough stony path. Wind blew hard and kept thrusting him forward. For some reason unknown to him, he wanted to move forward, to find out what lay at the end of the valley.

    At the far end of the valley, stood a tall tree. Beneath the tree sat a man scribbling something in a paper. As Thibaut stood in front of him, the man looked up. A cold shiver went down Thibaut’s spine as the doppelganger looked up at him and said in a cold voice, “Today at 6-15 in the evening your life will come to its end.”

    As he spoke, the earth seemed to spiral around Thibaut and he tumbled through a dark tunnel. An inhuman cry burst from his throat and he cried himself awake. He sat panting on his bed, his shirt soaked in sweat and clinging to his body.

    What, in the name of God, was happening with him?

    He could not understand it. Still, his heart was heavy with an unknown feeling. He looked at the clock. It was 3-30 in the morning. Still enough time was left to catch a few hours’ good sleep. But he could not sleep anymore.

    What was going to happen with him? Was anything going to happen at all? Who would provide him with an answer?

    The morning slowly rolled into day. Then the day trudged towards evening.

    As evening approached, Thibaut started to become restless. A heavy sense of premonition slowly gripped him and stifled him. He started to grasp for relief. He looked at the clock again and again.

    The hour hand of the clock was trudging towards 4 already. Thibaut felt his restlessness growing into a blanket of fog, stifling his breath out. Time was moving slowly as if trudging through a pool of fetish water. What could he do to ignore its passage?

    He was sitting at his small office and trying to finish a sketch. He was a random commercial artist eking out an existence and trying to save enough money to start his own studio someday.

    “Why is this happening to me?” Thibaut asked in his mind. “Sure, I am insignificant enough to attract the wrath of Fate or something?”

    Thibaut took out his cell phone. He set an alarm for 6-15, put the phone back in his pocket and tried to concentrate on the job at his hand.

    The day’s light slowly died outside the window. Thibaut looked up from his work. He was more restless than ever. He decided to put up his work and call it a day.

    Thibaut walked through the maze of alleys and backstreets. The evening shadows followed at his footsteps and became darker and darker.

    At one point the alley he was walking through, crossed a dark and desolate road. Thibaut reached the mouth of intersection and looked both ways before starting to cross. At the far end of his right hand side he saw the dim headlight of an approaching vehicle. It was still far away, so he started to cross the road.

    Just then a shrill noise came from inside his pocket and the cell phone inside it started to vibrate.

    The alarm he had set for 6-15 had gone off.

    It went on and on. Without thinking anything, Thibaut stopped in the middle of the road and started taking out the phone.

    From the far right end of the road the huge truck came screeching at Thibaut. It hit him directly. For a second, his body was airborne. Then it smashed into the side of the road and lay there motionless.

    The broken watch at his wrist showed the time. It was 6-15.
    @Bad Storm, @Silver Snake and @AhoDesuGa, please don't kill me!
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
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  3. SoulZer0

    SoulZer0 Heaven Refining

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    Too late, you're already dead.
     
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  4. Silver Snake

    Silver Snake Magician of NUF|Show-off|Awkward|Genius

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    I like your use of strong verbs.

    Some of your wording is a bit messy:
    "It was at the back of the bustling heart of the city." should probably be, "It was back at the heart of the bustling city."
    “'Sure, I am insignificant enough to attract the wrath of Fate or something?'" should probably be, "'I'm sure I'm far too insignificant to attract the wrath of Fate or something?'"

    Your descriptions are generally good at settings the scene and I'd like to suggest you to never describe something with only one word, but that's not necessarily a right thing to do all the time. Instead of a strange dream how about a thought provoking dream? Or how about instead of queer trees how about impossibly skinny or creepily hunched trees? Only using one word is a bit limiting, but I think it can also be alright depending on the situation. I'm not trying to tell you what to write and what not to write, just my general thoughts about the guidelines and conventions of writing. It's usually wise to follow the guidelines, but creating your own style usually imparts breaking a couple of rules. Describing unimportant things with one word is acceptable is the last thing I will say.
     
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  5. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your suggestions! Idk I'll be able to incorporate them, but I'll keep them in mind in my next story. Btw should I even write any more story? I am a bit apprehensive as I am trying to create a style for my writings.
     
  6. Silver Snake

    Silver Snake Magician of NUF|Show-off|Awkward|Genius

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    That's up to you to decide. Why are you apprehensive?
     
  7. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    Is it worth reading? Am I creating right pictures? Is there any grammatical mistake? These are the things that make me apprehensive. But I shall try to proceed with the next one.
     
  8. Silver Snake

    Silver Snake Magician of NUF|Show-off|Awkward|Genius

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    Is it worth reading is a difficult question. Different people value different things. What is a right picture? Do you mean does it convey the feeling you had in mind? Really, I couldn't know that. And I'm not a good enough writer to be able judge another's; or I'm not confident enough to say. And my grammar is terrible, so I read a book on grammar twice, and my grammar improved dramatically, so I am only able to suggest doing the same, but there may be a better way for you. I wish I could help you, but I'm still very much a novice.
     
  9. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    You also write, isn't it? Currently I am trying to fix a base for my next story and planing to read stories by @Bad Storm. I took the design of my thread from him and didn't even say a word of gratitude! That was too bad. I would read your stories too if I know where to look for them.
     
  10. Silver Snake

    Silver Snake Magician of NUF|Show-off|Awkward|Genius

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    I haven't - uh, my stories aren't good enough to read yet. I'm out of practice, so I'm practicing until I get better enough to share in the community fictions section.
     
  11. Myriadfold

    Myriadfold 『Silkmaid』『Ishhara's Devotee』『Daoist』『WW Vet.』

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    A sentence, paragraph or chapter will never play out twice in the same way either between two different readers or even the same reader at different times in their life.

    the picture a story generates is entirely in the readers own mind and thus will be dictated by the mood and situation of the reader at the time of reading. The best us authors can aim for is as accurate and precise a description possible for what we intend the story to tell. grammar is a big part of this but so is your individual style that determines the sentence structure and flow of events throughout the story.

    reading lots of published works will go a great distance to helping you figure out what you are looking to portray in your novels. guides can also help you spot things that are easily overlooked but shouldn't be adhered to as law, they are what works for the person who wrote them, they aren't tailored to fit you in their entirety.

    A quick way to tackle grammar issues which I can personally recommend is prowritingaid.com

    I found this after trying to use Grammarly and getting fed up with how much obvious errors it missed, sentences that made no sense were overlooked as if they were supposed to be written like that and just had drastically little in the way of tools for solving all my writing support needs.

    Prowritingaid however is much more advanced, complex and informative. you will get details regarding more than just spelling mistakes. you get support on sentence structure, you can fine tune it to your writing style and it helps make sure you don't leave it by too much. It will give in-depth analysis on readability (the length of sentences and paragraphs and how long it takes to read that portion. basically does a part of your writing slow the reader down so much they start to lose interest in continuing et cetera)

    Ultimately, the biggest advice I can give you is "do not write lots of stuff just because people say it helps you to keep writing and improve over time. This is a fallacy. writing lots of poor quality stories leads to all your future stories being of poor quality too. Instead, write in a steady and determined manner, get used to spotting and removing your mistakes. Only then will your quality go up with each work and you will reach a point you know you don't need to write hundreds of stories, because the few you do write will be great and well-liked for all the write reasons." (heh, get it? I know. awful jokes have their place too haha)

    that said, I haven't shared much of my stuff and even those were from a while ago. I need to finish my current projects and start sharing them again.

    I personally agree that the best method of writing is to keep everything simply. Avoid all the fancy scientific words that will break the readers immersion to go grab a dictionary unless it cannot be avoided for good reason, such as it is a needed part of a scene or part of a key fact drop the reader will need to understand the events to come. some sophitcated words are fine but only use them more often if you plan to shift your intended audience from the general public of 12+ to a more mature and educated circle (this drastically reduces the number of people who will be able to appreciate your writing. lots of those excluded will find it pretentious instead.)
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
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  12. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    What! You do not share here yourself and send a beginner like me here to be butchered! I'll have to be more careful in my next one.
     
  13. Bad Storm

    Bad Storm no thought, head empty

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    Methinks, descriptions are generally good but the pace and tone is kinda passive. Try to avoid using the same sentence structure consecutively because it might feel a bit redundant. I notice a lot of sentences starting with "He was".

    Either way, write if you want to, not because others tell you to. And best way to improve is spotting errors and lots of editing. It's too much work at times, but definitely worth it.

    Keep up the good work~ :blobsalute:
     
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  14. JadeSlash

    JadeSlash Well-Known Member

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    I don't really think so. 'The heart of the bustling city' would mean that the said location is the heart of a bustling city. 'The bustling heart of the city' would mean that the city is not very crowded, the roads and streets are not very busy, except the heart which is said to be busy. The meanings of both phrases (if you would call them that) are different.

    Thought provoking dream'...? IDK, but doesn't that sound a bit off? I mean no offence, but that phrase doesn't sound suitable at all. I don't actually get how the meaning of 'strange dream' is kind of equivalent to the meaning of 'thought provoking dream'. Again, I mean no offence.
    Just stating my opinion, I personally think using long phrases and bombastic words and making the writing style as complicated as possible should be rather avoided. Then again, everyone has their own way of writing and defining their imaginations, bringing them to life.

    I really don't get how one can become a writer by following the general guidelines, and to this day I had an idea that writing in a simple way is encouraged by the general guidelines....
    Anyway, I've written it rather rudely, please don't mind. I was just stating what I thought, though most of the times it's wise not to state them.

    @Bad Storm I think that this story is good in a passive mood. Scary stories should sound scary, and passive structure happens to deliver that feeling more than active structure.

    @EloiSnow Your story was indeed good, but now, how about adding a few creepy phrases without elongating the story? Creepy phrases can really set the mood.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
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  15. Silver Snake

    Silver Snake Magician of NUF|Show-off|Awkward|Genius

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    I do share myself. I didn't send you here. I simply gave you information to be used however you saw fit. Write however you like.
    Okay.
     
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  16. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for all your help. I'll look forward to more suggestions in future.
     
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  17. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your suggestion. But I think it will be better not to go back to the same story again.
     
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  18. Bad Storm

    Bad Storm no thought, head empty

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    Hmm... maybe passive does not exactly capture my thoughts. Passive structure is good but the way it was written gives it this feeling of slowness. The sense of tension dissipated a bit while I was reading. But I do agree that scary stories are better off passive *nods head*
     
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  19. Dawngawser

    Dawngawser Something something

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    TYPO SPOTTED.

    REEEEEEEEEEEEE
     
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  20. EloiSnow

    EloiSnow Well-Known Member

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    Thank you guys. I'll move on to the next one.