Tee-hehe... I know rite? I should seriously stop writing shit if no one reads, and concentrate on 1 project at a time even if it`s shit rite? ... But, but, but I`m boreeeeeedddddd xD. Pls hate me. Also this is just a "CONCEPT". No promise in serialising this :>. Can I get some criticism plssssssssss :3 Chapter 1 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4044428/ Chapter 2 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4044429/ Chapter 3 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4044430/ Chapter 4 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4045571/ Chapter 5 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4051205/ Chapter 6 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4051206/ Chapter 7 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4060023/ Chapter 8 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4139143/ Chapter 9 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4139144/ Chapter 10 https://forum.novelupdates.com/posts/4139145/
Novel concept: Blood and Umbra Chapter 1 “Kyle, dinner is ready!” “Yes mom!” A fragile looking boy walked inside the kitchen. His hair was still wet from the shower. He set the wooden tableware and took a seat. Holding a pot of stew, the young woman placed it on the table and threw a ladle into the pot. “Itadakimasu”-both of them said Excitedly digging in his share, Kyle`s mood got down when he realized that there was no meat in the stew. Letting out a sigh, the kid complained: “Mom… The stew tastes bad…” “That`s all we have. Now eat your veggies, or don`t have dinner tonight” “But there`s no meat… Vegetables sucks” “Those damn Lacroms has been munching on our cattle stock like frenzy. The villagers barely have enough cows and sheeps left for milk, let alone meat.” “But Lacroms that hunts livestocks are the low leveled ones right? We can kill them easily!” “That is, if you can find them in the darkness outside and they come one by one. Those damn monsters hunt in packs you fool! Charging blindly after them and you`ll find yourself surrounded, only to be shredded to pieces by their fangs!” “…But we are the hunters… Hunters don`t just live off of plants…” “Stop saying nonsense and eat your meal! And show me your status afterwards!” “Yes mother” Kyle replied with an unhappy face. The family silently continued their dinner inside the kitchen. A single oil lamp enlightened the room, flickering occasionally as if the light could die any moment. Next to the house, a wooden wall packed with stone surrounded the settlement, separating it from the outside world. Torches were placed here and there, keeping the monstrosities of the night away, but nowhere near sufficient to light the place. The scenery at night inside the village can send chills down anyone`s spine. Beyond the walls, there was nothing but darkness. The pitch black color extended as far as the eyes could see.
Chapter 2 Kyle opened his eyes, as the bright rays of sunlight started to cover his face. The 20 hours of night that seemed endless has finally been over, stepping aside for the few next hours of much desired daytime. In this damned world, the night is dominant and the existence of human was threatened by that of the night creatures: the Lacroms [The last section of a Latin word that translates into Wraith. It doesn`t have that meaning thou]. The beasts are spawned endlessly from a substance called Umbra, which is also the energy that Lacroms use to fight. A human, if exposed to Umbra for too long, will have their body and mind twisted, and that person would either turn into a Lacrom or die. “Kyle! Hurry up with your business and start the training already!” “Yes… Just a little bit more”-Kyle shouted from the toilet. Kyle threw on his combat clothing on with haste, before rushing out to the backyard. His mother was already there, warming up. Despite the thick layers of his gambeson vest combined with the thin metal armor, Kyle can still feel the cold air stinging his skin. Rubbing his hands together, he let out a breath of smoke and started doing jumping jacks. Kyle`s mother, standing next to him, started to work on the heavy bag. The sound of her fists hitting the bag was like the exploding sounds of bullets, and her kicks would send the bag flying. She is, indeed, a beautiful but tough woman. “So, any chances with awakening your Mana today?” “See for yourself mom. I had already given up on it” She got to Kyle and placed her hand on his chest. Closing her eyes, Kyle`s mother frowned as she scrambled across his body for signs of Mana. However to no avail. “Nothing… most people would be able to awaken their Mana at 7… You are just the most unlucky boy I have ever seen.” “Yea and I`ve come to terms with it already. Why do you have to check everyday? Besides, your Blood Arts is really amazing already. I can take on level 20 Lacrums with no problem.” “The Blood Arts will only take you so far. It was created to complement Mana use, not to replace it. You will never be able to become a hunter with no Mana.” *Sigh* Hunters. They are people who hunt Lacrums for their Umbral Core. The cores can be crafted into great equipments and tools that help human survive in this gruesome world. The nature of the job is not very different from mercenary, as hunters are under no obligation to protect civilians. Returning to reality, Kyle swept aside his dreams and focus on the current training. Everyone else would also be minding their own businesses, some farming, some crafting, and some building. The crops were growing at an acceptable speed; the few remaining animals were grazing on the field. Everything seemed normal, for now.
Running across the village, a clear path can be seen coming from nowhere and leading into dark, endless miles of forest. Commonly used by many travelling merchants, this single road connects this certain settlement to many other inhabited areas. However, this village is nothing more than a resting station, as most people here can`t afford the expensive goods the merchants sell. Hunters like Kyle and his mother provide a steady flow of crude Lacrom cores for anyone that has the need; these will be sold to craftsman as materials to create weapons and constructions. Down that path, deeper in the forest, two shadows could be seen dancing around their flickering oil lamps. Kyle! Your left!” A four-eyed wolf appeared from the darkness, ferociously pouncing on Kyle`s flank. With the gauntlet on his arm, Kyle blocked the hit, and while the Lacrom was biting down on the steel, he countered with a right hammer fist. The thing`s skull collapsed, and Kyle was in a front stance. With his right leg behind, he followed up on the next wolf he saw. The thing had its torso crushed against a tree by his spinning back kick. “Carefull! Don`t damage the core!” “Sure thing! I didn`t” Having killed the last wolf of the pack they tracked, Kyle gutted the things for their core while his mother looked around for anything useful. The two oil lamp was laid next to them, providing crucial vision and protection from the Umbra. The lights also slightly weaken the Lacroms, as the Umbra density in the enlightened areas is lower. Kyle`s mother sensed a presence further ahead of them. She threw a rock at it, and a Rhoa came charging out of the shadows. Just as the thing was going to crash into her, She grabbed its beak and jumped into the air. Her body gorgeously spun in the air, and before letting go she gouged out its eyes with her thumbs. That Rhoa crashed into a huge tree, stumbling backwards from the impact. Immediately, she charged and grabbed its legs and pulled sideways, ripping them apart. The Rhoa shrieked in agony, before Kyle started to butcher the thing into pieces. “Nice! Look at the size of it, as big as I am! This chicken would feed us for days!” “Yey! Meat! How lucky of us to encounter this lone bird in this level 23 zone. I thought these can only be found in level 27 areas and above” “It`s because of your mother`s luck boye! The Rhoa saw such a beautiful woman and just had to rush over here” Kyle`s mom answered with a indulgent smile” The two went on with their conversation. Suddenly, the ground under them started to tremble; from afar multiple charging footsteps could be heard. In the midst of the chaotic stampede, a high, deafening shriek resounded. An army was approaching.
I like it but you give the impression of abandoning the story in the future and thats just ........ sad
This is too little text to give an opinion ... too little information. A few language things I noticed when skimming through quickly: Isn't it "the stew tastes bad" instead of "taste bad"? In don't know how it's called in English, but it should be the third singular form of the verb, instead of the first/second one? I would change "The two oil lamp was laid next to them" into "The two oil lamps lay next to them", using the past tense and not whatever other tense that is makes it more fluid. "And then, thundering giant steps" I would change this into "Then, thundering giant steps". Small changes like this can improve the flow. I would also pedal back on the use of semicolons. Five of them in three short chapters is a lot. They are occasionally useful, but probably not as often as you're using them right now. They disrupt the flow; they give a longer pause than just a comma, as you might notice when reading this sentence. Overall, the way you write English is like ... it reads like a text from a good translator. Good, but with occasional errors and it does not match the flow or writing of a well-written book yet. Overall, it seems like you're getting there? I'd probably write more as exercise, and read real paper books to get some inspiration as to how to write. I havn't really written anything ever so I don't exactly know what to say. That's commentary pure on the grammatical/writing/... part. I would also write a bit more about just the environment in which the story takes place. That would draw me (personally) in a lot more.
Yey! thanks that helped me alot. I`m no native speaker, and I`m just practicing writing for fun. Thanks again Edit: I`m just an under-aged second year, so I`ll try my hardest
Ah yes, I need help on the semicolons usage. How do I get rid of that habbit T_T. It`s from my (only class i had about writing in English) critical writing class, and it`s really hard to do without them. Tips?
Do you want more? From someone like me? Are you sure? Senki/Fantasy series are hard to develop cuz the world building is quite insane to get right. I mean even stuffs like Natastu no Taizai has some illogical world mechanics (I`m staring at you ss2) and in general the plot is really hard to develop. Fantasy stories are just not my style I guess. Thanks for the comment, Gosuji-sama
Instead of an Insult I will give you a motivation instead. Don't stop writing, even with non-stop insult, do not abandon your writings, continue it. Don't lose hope.
Chapter 4 “… And then naughty was surrounded by a pack of Lacroms. Surrounded by the Umbra, he was not able to see anything. The moment the monsters got their fangs on him was the moment he met his demise. After the Lacroms had finished devouring him, all that left was his bones. Since then, no one has ever seen Jack again.” Cowering inside his blanket, the stubborn child was trembling with fear. Just a moment ago, she was refusing to go to bed. To tuck his daughter in bed, her dad picked a story that is commonly used to scare children. Most people in this town grew up with the fear of the night engraved into their minds, through the real life fairytales that were passed through generations. They feared the Umbra, and taught their children to do the same for the sake of their own safety. “The story is not over yet. In the depths of the forest, where our poor curious Jack passed away, the Umbra grew denser. Feeding on the pain and regrets of his soul, the Umbra eventually dragged his remains into darkness. One day, from the invisible abyss emerged a human figure. Its body looked like that of Jack, but on the head lies a pumpkin. Carved on it, was two eyes, a nose, and, at the place where the mouth lies, a smile that reached the ears. The smile was there, unchanging, undying, like an embodiment of all this madness that the night spread across the world…” “Kyaaa!! I get it! I get it! I`ll sleep now daddy! Please don`t tell me any more stories!” The young girl cried out loud. “Good. Now remember…” *DING* *DING* *DING* His words were stopped by the terrifying sound of the alarming bell. To the villagers here, one beat meant they would be having a major visit from a noble or such; two meant that there would be a Lacrom extermination mission carried out near the walls. And three dings would alarm the village of the sighting of an enormous number of Lacroms, or a disaster of such level that could wipe out the whole settlement. Soldiers wore their equipment and villagers prepared medications. The elders held a meeting, discussing the situation and making difficult decisions. They have never been struck by such a huge attack, and the odds of being completely destroyed are high. This is a mere mid-sized village, and they have not the resources to ensure a successful battle against such threat. “Move it! Move it!”- A man that seemed like the general urged his soldiers “Sir! The Beacon has been moved to the battle zone.”- Another soldier reported to him “Good. The light should lure most of the Lacroms to the field. Are the archers in position?” “Yes sir, they have all occupied the turrets.” “Haaa… This will be one heck of a battle”
Hey man I wasn't insulting OP, I was just pointing out things that stood out to me. Writing in your free time is an activity I wholeheartedly support. I'm also not a native speaker. I know far from everything about English and the commentary I make is what I think/my personal opinion. I can be wrong, or you might not agree with what I say. I was shit in writing dialogue so I'm not gonna advise OP on that. About semicolons: it's not like you can't use them. Semicolons are used to put two related but different thoughts in one sentence. "Hunters like Kyle and his mother provide a steady flow of crude Lacrom cores for anyone that has the need; these will be sold to craftsman as materials to create weapons and constructions." This is a good use of a semicolon. It's both about the cores. The first part explains where they come from, the second what they're used for. You could split it into two sentences, but that's not necessary. Note that craftsman is incorrect, plural should be used. Her body gorgeously spun in the air; her thumbs poked into its eyes, and she landed behind the Lacrom. Into: She spun her body gorgeously in the air, poked her thumbs into its eyes, and landed behind the Lacrom. It is an action sequence of three parts, not two related ideas: comma comma makes more sense than semicolon comma. Semicolons make a larger pause than a comma. When you finished a first draft, you can try reading it aloud, to see if it rolls well over the tongue. This can also help you with checking for the flow of your text in general. I've talked too much about semicolons, they're not that important either. Another thingy, a pet peeve of mine, is omitting the word "that". It can make the sentence more fluent as well. For example: The moment the monsters got their fangs on him was the moment that he met his demise. The moment the monsters got their fangs on him was the moment he met his demise. As general feedback, what you wrote is pretty good starting point. For someone who hasn't been using English very long, it's a pretty good job. I couldn't find an applause emoticon :-( so I'll give you *applause*. In the long term, read and write more: this helps with correct spelling, word use and grammar, and your general feel of the language. You can feed it through a spellchecker, which might catch the more basic errors. Read it to yourself, aloud. Think about alternative ways to formulate sentences, and find out which ones flow the best. Every sentence has a single point it makes, every paragraph talks about a single subject. And try to write shorter, complete stories as well. This makes you exercise the plot part of a story. Maybe join a (youth) short story competition in your country? My country has some of those, might be interesting for you? Welps, time's up, gotta catch a train. Maybe I'll check the thread later. Good luck with your writing, I hope you'll keep on enjoying it. Who knows, maybe one day I'll read a completed story written by the one and only @A_Random_Weeb?
Huh, who are you? I'm not speaking about you or speaking about your post. Stop thinking that this world revolves around you.
Because I was the only one in the thread posting criticism, I presumed the insult you were talking about was my post. If it isn't, then it isn't, no biggie. No need to be so edgy. OP: asking people you know IRL who is proficient in English to read and comment might be useful as well. Professional writers have "alpha" readers and editors, so asking them to read and comment, or give editing suggestions, isn't strange at all. The more advice from differing angles, the better.