Some random scribbles

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by A_Random_Weeb, May 9, 2018.

  1. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Hm really thou? I was taught that a semicolons can be used to explain for the clause in front of it. So i think that it would make the clause behind it .... Ah nvm, I`ve never seen that many semicolons in stories anyways... Guess I`ll have to go to my writing teacher`s house (carrying whips and latex stuffs :>)
     
  2. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Oh nu, pls don`t dramatize my thread :notlikeblob::notlikeblob::notlikeblob:
     
  3. WinByDying

    WinByDying I can count to four

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    Well, it's not really clear-cut. A semicolon signifies a sort of division between the first and second part. To explain something would be the job of the colon rather than the semicolon, I think. And yeah, as you said, they're rarely used. I quickly looked up why, and found two reasons: people are scared of misusing them (like the one used in the battlescene), and they are rarely necessary. They can be replaced by splitting it into two sentences, or using commas.

    You have a writing teacher? Well, if you think she'd be willing to help you then it'd be a great idea to ask her! And if you can survive the session without whip marks :sweating_profusely:. Write some short story and ask for feedback. Again, he more people you can find to give feedback, the better. One person is biased, fifty aren't.

    For getting feedback online, it might be worth it to think out like a 10 or 20 chapter story?

    I don't have time to read what you posted entirely, I'm taking out a sentence here and there to check. Here's another bit of nitpicking:
    She got to Kyle and placed her hand on his chest. Closing her eyes, Kyle`s mother frowned as she scrambled across his body for signs of Mana. However to no avail.
    Here, I would change the last sentence into "To no avail however." or "However, to no avail". To me, the first feels more fluent, the second is slower, keeps the order but emphasizes the however. What do you feel about it?

    This is a small matter, but for text in general word order matters a lot. There are some general rules, but you can play around with word order and commas and such to make sentences more fluent, or sometimes emphasize a word.

    And one last one:
    However, this village is nothing more than a resting station, as most people here can`t afford the expensive goods that the merchants bring.
    The "bring" at the end feels awkward to me. I'd try finding another word with similar meaning. "import" sounds a little awkward as well, maybe just "sell"? Or maybe even just replace it with "bring in". "sell" does not indicate that they imported the goods, "bring in" does while still sounding good in the sentence. (You could maybe remove the "that" as well? If you think the sentence still feels correct.)

    It's these little things that are the most ambiguous and difficult.

    Is this useful feedback?
     
  4. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Hmm got it. Use everything in reduced form, and use comas also for the pacing of the sentence. Thanks I`ll try to create these habbits. It feels better when I read the sentence out loud too.
    2 chapters and 1 cliffhanger for you. With much ♥:blobnosebleed:
     
  5. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    “Kyle, you are staying behind! No questions!”

    The words of his mother resounded in Kyle`s head. She even went as far as immobilizing him with chains after beating him into submission. Stuck inside his own house, Kyle was tied up against a pole with his hands bent in an awkward position.

    “You can`t fight because you have no mana~”-Kyle imitated his mother`s voice in an overexerted accent-“God dammit mom! They are using newb soldiers with less than 50 combat rating points! My CRP is way over that and you`re making me stay here? *skreee*

    Looking outside the window, Kyle could see the shining beacon in the distance. Although not lacking in hearing or smelling, Lacroms naturally prioritize light sources in order to find prey; since most Lacroms are nocturnal creatures.A common tactic to use a bright light source to either attract beasts or lure them into traps. Designed around the magical properties of Umbral cores, beacons are powerful light source fueled by mana. The turrets operate likewise, except instead of emitting light, they cast the spell “Fireball” and serve as towers for ranged soldiers. However, those were the best defenses the village could muster. Against a giant legion of Rhoas, only that much cannot ensure a successful resistance.

    Slowly, the sound of a rumbling stampede could be heard. With the first painful shriek of a killed Lacrom, the battle has begun. The turrets spat out giant balls of fire, the few leading Rhoas were toasted. Gravel and dirt erupted wherever the turrets targeted. As a pack of Rhoas passed the planned tactical line, footsoldiers rushed out to repel them. Amongst those was Kyle`s mother. Surrounded by five, she punched the ground underneath, releasing a shockwave to knock them all back. Concentrating mana on her fists, she dashed forward and took down the first two with headshots. Ducking to avoid the Rhoa jumping from her flank, she let the mana spiral through her body and used her assault technique: Empowered Crescent Sweep. All of the Rhoas in the arc behind her had their legs severed. Not stopping for a moment, she followed up with a Blood technique, rotating her power leg upwards, striking hard into the closest Rhoa she saw. This was similar to the ground punch she used previously, just with much more power [go check this out if you wanna see how the action looks like ]. The Lacrom that took the full brute of her technique was turned into a pulp of spattered flesh, as Blood techniques are have their power increased when used momentarily after mana attacks. Alongside her, many other soldiers were fighting with all their might. The defenders kept on pushing forward, swords swinging and mana blazing.

    [Rhoas https://d1u5p3l4wpay3k.cloudfront.n....jpg?version=706d1d35361b9327465819a1bef58453 ]

    With the support of archers, the footsoldiers gradually took the upper hand in the battle. Rhoa corpses were piling up and no soldiers were killed. Having cleared enough space, Kyle`s mother used the small gap she had to bring the injured to their medic crew. Suddenly, she sensed the use of a blood technique. About five or six meters to her left, Kyle was sending Rhoas into the air with his kicks. Wearing his favorite gauntlet, greaves, and an enjoyable expression on his face, he had somehow managed to escape and sneaked into the battlefield.

    She shoved the wounded guy at a random soldier and charged towards Kyle, vaulting over a Rhoa before landing right next to him.

    “KYLE! What the fuck are you doing here?”
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  6. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Chapter 6

    Shocked by his mother`s sudden entrance, he jumped backwards. Despite that, she immediately grabbed him, swinging Kyle over her shoulder and dashed back to the safety behind the turrets.

    “Mom! Let me go! Put me down!”-Kyle yelled while trying to wiggle out of his mother`s grip

    Throwing him on the ground, she squatted down, and with both hands gripping his shoulders tight, Kyle`s mother grunted:

    “I thought I told you to STAY AT HOME!”

    “But we are winning mom! Not even some rookie got killed so far! My CRP is 125 [85+26+14] already!”

    “You. Don`t. Understand! Your body is not normal! You can`t fight without mana!”

    “But why? My CRP…”

    “SHHKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK”

    Everyone turned to the direction of that deafening sound. To their terrified eyes, a gigantic Rhoa was charging at the soldiers` direction; the thing`s size was even bigger than a turret. Its muscular legs left huge footprints wherever it stepped, its back was nearly petrified, with moss growing between the thic[c]k bones protruding from its side. The massive beak was pointed at whatever in its sight, ready to chop down on its prey. The great Rhoa torn through the mob, making its own kind scrambled out of its path. A rain of arrows flew towards the great Rhoa, but no arrow could penetrate its hard old skin. Right after, a fireball was aimed at its head. The turret shot made a direct hit. When the smoke faded, they saw the great Rhoa swaying its head. With an animalistic shriek, the thing madly charged towards that tower. They blasted it with fireballs continuously, but none of the hits had any effect on the raging beast.

    A small shadow slipped through the battlefield, appearing behind the great Rhoa. Just a moment ago, while Kyle`s mother was distracted by the Rhoa, he quickly got out of her grasp and dashed into the fight, disregarding her inflamed shouts. Possessing the highest dexterity in the whole village, Kyle was confident he could distract it long enough for the turrets to turn the monstrosity into [winner winner] chicken dinner. Vaulting over the small Rhoa that ran at him, he jumped on the great Rhoa`s back. With both hands, Kyle gripped onto the wrinkles of its tough skin, climbing forward while maintaining his balance. Finally, he reached the horns on its head. He carefully got into a crouching position, before launching himself off the Rhoa`s head. Flying above the thing, Kyle aimed for its left eye, afterwards he tucked in his power leg, braced his hips, and concentrating blood into other leg before pointing it at that direction. The Rhoa kept charging, when it suddenly saw a human figure on its left side, before completely losing the eye`s vision. Kyle sank his kick deep inside the eye, right after, he used his free leg to push himself off its head. Seeing the Rhoa`s eyes bleeding profusely, he showed a victorious smile.
    Facing the great Rhoa, Kyle couldn`t have seen what was behind him. Out of nowhere, a nimble [i didn`t use that but this :"D] Rhoa charged at his blind spot, crashing into Kyle and throwing him in the opposite direction .The moment he entered the great Rhoa`s sight, the thing raised its head. In a flash, his own head was caught in between its beak. After venting all of its anger on Kyle by smashing him against the ground, the great Rhoa tossed him aside. Kyle`s body spattered into a turret with a mortifying crack, before he slipped down on the ground, painting the tower with a trail of his blood.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2018
  7. WinByDying

    WinByDying I can count to four

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    Yeah, word order and commas are important for pacing. Let's take a look at some other aspects, through this paragraph:

    Lacroms are beasts, while "prioritize" implies rational thinking. The word "naturally" is really fitting in the context, but it seems to say the beasts instinctively go towards light sources, not by rational thought.

    "It was the village`s main tactic of luring Lacroms away from the headquarters, and into a advantageous battlefield instead." this sentence feels wonky, because of the use of "of". Can be solved by saying "... main tactic to lure Lacroms away from the headquarters, into an advantageous battlefield instead". Note the removal of "and" and the change from "a" to "an", for flow.

    Between the sentence that says there is a "shining beacon in the distance" and the one saying "The energy comes from ..." there are two other sentences, talking about why it's there but not explicitly referencing it. So I'd word it "The beacon's energy comes from ..." or better "the beacon is fueled by ..." instead, so the reader does not have to think about what energy it was. One shorter sentence in between and then saying "Its energy comes from ..." would also be fine, but right now the transition from the two sentences in between, to "The energy comes from ..." feels a bit ... illogical. It makes the reader think when he shouldn't have to (The energy for what exactly? Ah, right, the beacon.).

    Then, an alternative wording for "The turrets are the same" would be "The same for the turrets", which feels more fluid to me. You could change "ranged soldiers" to a shorter "archers" or "bowmen". Using "ranged soldier" instead feels choppier, it does however emphasize that they are soldiers, not civilians (if that was what you were going for). In the sentence "The best defenses the village got" , "got" can be replaced by "possessed", or you can maybe change it to "could muster" or "could bring forth". "keeping the light on" -> "sustaining the light" feels better to me. Keep in mind, the wordings I give are not necessarily better, try them out and decide for yourself. Well, that goes for any criticism I give. Keep formulating alternatives for yourself!

    Importantly, if talking about a battle versus Rhoas in the near future, using the past tense would be incorrect? You should use present, future or conditional tense. The odds right now are not in their favor, won't be in their favor and would not be in their favor. The only way you can use past tense is if your narrator is telling your story as a tale of the past. But I think this is an action story in the present, with a narrator in the present, no? Keep verb tenses consistent! Very important!

    One aspect I do like very much is that, picking out a few sentences here and there, you don't use passive voice all too much. Keeps the text fresh and active to read. I've gone over quite a few concepts already, improvements on those concepts can probably be made elsewhere in your text as well.

    Maybe if I have the time I'll try reading it in its entirety and see what the experience is like.
     
  8. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Hm.... 1st: idk but generally, grammar used in light novel is past tense. Since the story is commonly considered to have already taken place, and the action would also be in s.past. So ya thanks for pointing that out but I think it`s still in the past (if you draw out a timeline, there`s no difference :D). Adding the "right now" would most likely be incorrect in storytelling context.

    2nd. Thanks so much for those little nickpickings. I wrote this when i was kinda sleepy (like how i have always done) and that resulted in those really awkward and anti-immersion sentences. Fixed em up and read the whole thing again, thanks again.

    3rd. I feel so bad that I can`t pay you for spotting out my mistakes. Much love, gosuji-sama :blobReach::blobReach::blobReach:
    p/s oh and i forgot, certain Lacroms have the ability to think rationally. Spoilers for sth that wouldn`t be happening very soon.
     
  9. WinByDying

    WinByDying I can count to four

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    Ah about the past sense, I saw someone saying the same elsewhere on NUF. You're probably correct.

    =======================================================================================

    Looking at the changes you made now to the paragraph, there are some things I'd change.

    Although not lacking in hearing or smelling, Lacroms naturally prioritize light sources in order to find prey; since those are most visible at night.


    Even if some Lacroms can think rationally I'd still change the word choice. The reader doesn't know it yet, and it is too subtle to use it as foreshadowing. Then, you want to convey that Lacroms prioritize light sources because because they are like beacons in the dark night, pardon the pun. The wording feels awkward to me: of course they are very well visible, but you want to say they really stand out. "Most visible" ... I wouldn't use these exact words.

    Taking advantage of that behavior, it is a common tactic to use a bright light source to either attract beasts or lure them into traps.


    Here, I'd change the word order slightly: "a common tactic is to use". A little shorter, and the "common tactic" part stands in a more emphasized place in the sentence. The reader will understand slightly quicker what you mean. You could also place a comma after "attract beasts".

    Designed around the magical properties of Umbral cores, beacons are powerful light sources that use mana as fuel.


    Better than the formulation of before. Optionally, change the "that use" into "using" or "depending on".

    The turrets are comparable[halp dunno wut to use], except instead of emitting light, they cast the spell “Fireball” and serve as towers for ranged soldiers.


    You could use something like "Turrets operate likewise", or preferably modify it into something like "Umbral cores also fuel turrets, which instead of emitting light cast the spell ...". Note that in this last wording I eliminated the comma, for flow. Not "archers"?

    However, those were the best defenses the village could muster. Against a giant legion of Rhoas, only that much couldn`t ensure a successful resistance.

    First sentence is fine, in the second sentence I would use "cannot", the more emphasized form of can't. And maybe change the "only that much", so it becomes "that little defenses cannot ensure a successful resistance". This rolls pretty nicely over the tongue.

    =======================================================================================

    Early in chapter 6, it says "in the soldier's direction". Since there are multiple soldiers, doesn't this have to be "soldiers' "?

    A small shadow slipped through the battlefield, appearing behind the great Rhoa. When Kyle`s mother was distracted by the Rhoa, he quickly got out of her grasp and dashed into the fight, disregarding her angry shouts.

    The ordering of the sentences gives a small surprise effect to the reader (whoa who is that shadow?). Pretty neat. Starting the next sentence with "While" makes more sense to me than "When". And I'd change "angry" to "worried". The word angry doesn't convey what the mother feels correctly, I think?

    With the highest dexterity in the whole village, Kyle was confident he could distract the thing long enough for the turrets to deal more damage.

    With the highest dexterity in the whole village, Kyle was confident he could distract the thing long enough for the turrets to deal more damage.

    "Having the highest dexterity" or "Being the nimblest in the whole village". The "with" makes it sound as if it comes right off of a stat sheet. I like the word nimblest, no idea why. Maybe use "monstrosity" instead of "thing", shows the disgust/disdain of Kyle a little more. And "deal more damage" sounds a little ... tame. You want the reader to think the "thing" will get mauled, no? Let's make it more spectacular! The turrets use fireballs, maybe say, "for the turrets to set it ablaze" or "for the turrets to burn it alive" or "reduce it to ashes"?

    Vaulting through the small Rhoa that ran at him, he jumped on the great Rhoa`s back. With both hands, Kyle gripped onto the wrinkles of its tough skin, climbing forward while maintaining his balance. Finally, he reached the horns on its head.

    Vaulting ... through a Rhoa? Vaulting means jumping literally, but can mean getting through an obstacle. The problem is that "through" implies that Kyle moves right through another physical being. Your action scenes in general are pretty good actually.

    He carefully got into a crouching position, before launching himself off the Rhoa`s head. Flying above the thing, Kyle aimed for its left eye, and then pointed his leg at that direction. The Rhoa kept charging, when it suddenly saw a human figure on its left side, before completely losing the eye`s vision. Kyle sank his kick deep inside the eye, right after, he used his other leg to push himself off its head. Seeing the Rhoa`s eyes bleeding profusely, he showed a victorious smile.

    So he goes on the head, jumps off of the head, and while falling down pokes at its eye? How is he flying above the monstrosity/thing and able to poke in its eye? Seems like a contradiction. Also, be careful when talking about the Great Rhoa and the Rhoa, this is all still about the Great One right? Better keep saying that explicitly. Finally, I wouldn't say "pointed his leg". Just pointing won't do much when falling vertically, it is a kick so he "points" it really fast and hard :blobwink:. Call a kick a kick. Then, later on, you can change "sank his kick into" to "sank his foot into" if you don't want to reuse the word kick. Anyway, using "pointing" in an action scene to describe the epic kick the MC gives feels ... lackluster. The Great Rhoa's eyes were bleeding because of it!

    Out of nowhere, a Rhoa crashed into Kyle while he was still in the air. He was thrown backwards, and the moment he entered the great Rhoa`s sight, the thing raised its head. In a flash, his head was caught in between its beak. Slamming Kyle on the ground a few times, the great Rhoa tossed him aside. Kyle`s body spattered into a turret with a mortifying crack, before he slipped down on the ground, painting the tower with a trail of his blood.

    I would tell the reader how exactly the new come Rhoa crashes into Kyle. So Kyle pushed himself off of the head, and he ... fell down, still facing the Great Rhoa. Then, he was lower than the Great Rhoa's face (Kyle still falling). Another Rhoa crashes into his front(?) and the Great Rhoa lowers his gaze to him? Blood spatters, but a body does not. Change it to something else, like "smashing". And change "mortifying" to "satisfying" :blobangel::blobdevil::blobcheeky:. Oh and maybe say "After slamming Kyle on the ground ..".

    =======================================================================================

    Question to you: how many times do you rewrite your paragraphs? And what exactly is your feeling and opinion on what you write in this thread? Do you still have the feeling you can rewrite it in a better way?

    In general if I were you I'd work on general comprehension of English (reading well written books, or coming into contact in some way with well used English). Yours isn't bad, but not the best it could be either. It's a long term thing (unfortunately, a lot of things are), but it'll make the (re)writing process more efficient.

    This all makes me think how it's a lot of work writing a novel :blobfearful::blob_grin:. Don't get discouraged :blobsmilehappy:.
     
  10. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Chapter 7
    The Rhoa continued its onslaught with only one eye open. The turrets quickly crumbled one after another despite the soldier`s best efforts. As the beast approached the beacon, they have already lost all will to fight, and started fleeing for their life. The scene was chaotic: a rampaging Rhoa chasing down everything that moves; once sturdy structures now reduced into rubbles; soldiers stampeding away from the Rhoas, stepping on their dead comrades, and on anyone who was unlucky enough to have fallen on the ground. The smell of blood overflowed the air, as painful wails dominated the battlefield. The lesser sources of lights from the handheld lamps were dissipated, one by one. Soon, total darkness descended on the atmosphere, followed by the Umbra that encroached upon everything.

    Amidst the grim unseeable scenery, the Umbra began to linger on a certain spot. The adjacent Umbra gradually spiraled into that point, sucking more and more into the ominous vortex. At the center of the occurrence, Kyle`s body could be seen, lifted airborne by the vortex. His jaws dropped onto his collar bone, since the cheeks that once held his skull together was ripped into two pieces; the remaining strings of flesh barely kept the part hanging on his face. The pitch black Umbra wormed into every single opening on Kyle`s body [even the anaru], saturating his blood veins. However, something incredible happened. While being infiltrated with Umbra, his blood veins seemed to actively devour the energy, drawing in even more of it. Eventually, the Umbra concentration exceeded the limit, and the Umbra breached the blood veins to torrent into Kyle`s empty mana veins. The invaluable innate system that humans were blessed with, that Kyle never had the chance to use, was now thirstily siphoning the unknown energy source that entered it.

    Kyle`s body started to change. His skin went from pale to black, as his body increased massively in size and muscle. A pair of holes opened up in his palms; his nails grew into razor sharp claws. Kyle`s teeth grew longer and sharper, before the ripped jaw line was reinforced with more black flesh, his mouth was even wider than before. Then, the transmuted corpse fell on its knees, as the Umbra around Kyle diluted. Immediately he used his claws to support his upper body, before raising his head and opening his grotesque mouth to let out an ear-piercing roar.

    [No pics yet but similar to Night Hunter from dying light]

    Tentacles shot out of the holes on Kyle`s palm, wrapping around the nearest Rhoa he sensed. With the huge mouth, Kyle gobbled the whole thing in two bites. Licking his fingers, he then launched the tentacles at a tree branch, pulling himself upwards. Situated on the tall tree, Kyle can see his surroundings as clear as day, and he hungered for more flesh. The growling sound of his breath broke the silence in the area. Spotting the bloodbath ahead, he shot his tentacle into the void, and in disappeared towards the shadows in a flash.

    He was starving.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  11. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Wowo you`re sooooooo good! I didn`t realise all that! Thanks! Are you a Novelist under disguise or sth????? :blobpeek::blobpeek::blobpeek:
    1st: I sliced my finger real bad while cooking. So sorry for the late update. My keyboard is now imbued with my essence!!!(spilled some blood while tryin to type)
    2nd: Yep I fixed most of the stuffs you mentioned. But in the flying kick. The actual technique of a TKD flying side kick is to simply thrust your hips, no "epic movement" needed and let your weight do the trick. I wanna keep the combat understandable and true to physics (unlike most shounen battle mangas now). But it was also anti cumatic so ... I mean climatic so i added a few more details on how to perform the technique. I love martial arts.
    3rd: tons of typos. But the most embarasing thing was (how i misspelled embarrassing and...) the word "mortifying". Saw it in a horror song (Static screens-Creep-P) and thought it sounded real cool, but then i didn`t check the dictionary and all and REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
    4th: I don`t rewrite paragraphs unless they are too ... bad? I just type and backspace and check dictionaries to get it done. Tips?
    5th: You`re still doing this for free! Honestly this was just a project that i worked on when the fantasy/senki genre this season tilted me so hard. AND I MEAN REAL HARD! but with your "involvement" i really enjoyed working on it and this really gave me a lot of experience. Thanks a ton! :blobReach::blobReach::blobReach:
     
  12. WinByDying

    WinByDying I can count to four

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    You used mortifying correctly, it was a good choice of adjective. Saying satisfying would be rather sadistic.

    The only things I've written frequently in the past 10 years are reports for school and uni, so I don't have any novel writing experience. Just a lot of contact with English. There's a big difference between reviewing and editing, and writing.

    =====================================

    Self-review is important. Rewriting is a part of that. It will enhance your text, and you might, maybe, improve your writing through it. I'll give an example of how you can do it. You can do it however you want to, whenever you want to, whatever feels best to you.

    Self-review, and rewriting as part of it, is important for two reasons: your text will improve, and you'll slowly become a better writer. In the next few paragraphs I'll explain a general methodology. Honestly, you can do it however you want to, when you want to. See what feels best to you.

    Which one of these paragraphs was the best? They probably both had their strong points. For example, in the first one, the start is more powerful. By putting "Self-review is important." as a single short sentence in front, it is emphasized. I also like the ending of the second paragraph better than the one of the first one, for a similar reason. In the middle, the second paragraph is better. "I'll explain a general methodology" says clearly what I'm going to do, while "I'll give an example of how you can do it." can mean several things: it can also mean giving a concrete example like I just did, instead of a methodology.

    =====================================

    First take a chapter you've written and remember what that chapter was about. Check the paragraphs to see if they are all concise in meaning. Each paragraph needs to be about something, you need to be able to say in one sentence what that paragraph is about. This is checking for the larger structure of the text. In reports, this is very important. In (web)novels, there's lots of dialogue and paragraphs are often shorter, so it is a bit easier to check.

    Then, look at sentences. Again, each sentence needs to be about something. Think of all feedback you've received, of word choices, of word placing and sentence structuring! Think of the flow in the paragraph! Start merging, splitting sentences, restructure them, change word choices, ... Think of everything you need to think of. Rewrite it differently and better. Don't delete the one you had previously: you can compare both and keep the best parts.

    This is extensive rewriting. You don't always have to go that far. Often replacing or moving words already has some impact.

    The better your English, the better your feel for it, the more you'll gain off of rewriting. It will give slight but important improvements. It does take quite some time however. Some authors take a lot of time rewriting paragraphs or chapters. Some writers do it less, do it more liberally.

    I can't say it enough. Improve your feel for the language and your vocabulary through coming into extensive contact with English. It helps a lot if you want to write in English somewhat seriously. Or if you need English for some other reason.

    =====================================

    It doesn't take too much of my time to help out a bit :blobsmilehappy:. Going over every paragraph of your chapters, now that would take hours. I would be like an editor then. Good editing seems like quite some work :blobfearful:.

    Important edit: oh and, the last paragraph from chapter 6 seems reeeeaaaallly long. Walls of text are more difficult for readers. Make sure not to make paragraphs very long.
     
  13. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Yeaa I`d agree too! Writing novels is just as challenging as, if not more than, critical reasoning. Because, not only you have to choose your words from a bigger pool, you`d also have to make that selection sounds natural and ... get that feel right. Then comes a billion places you can make mistakes like plot, typos, pacing, ...
    Thanks for ur help, it was crucial exp for me to lvl my skill. If you didn`t know (like of course) my main series is called "A generic love story" and i`ll have it reworked right after i finish this first arc here! Don`t read the current one thou, it`s my first and it was a disaster.
    OMG I`M ACTUALLY GETTING VIEWS AND READERS!!!! :blobsmilehappyeyes::blobsmilehappyeyes::blobsmilehappyeyes:
     
  14. WinByDying

    WinByDying I can count to four

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    Some quick things about the first one and a half paragraphs of Chapter 7 (only about word choice and spelling, no feedback on structure and flow this time):

    The Rhoa has one mutilated eye, so you can just say "with one eye", the open doesn't have to be there. Next sentence, say soldiers', because there's more than one soldier? Next sentence implies there are multiple soldiers. I think I've said this one before, try your best not to repeat mistakes.

    The sentence describing the chaotic scene is on the border of being too long, being almost three lines. I don't like the semicolon usage here. I think splitting it up is a better, more natural choice. "The lesser sources of lights from" it should be singular form, "light". I would remove this part, and change the verb: "The soldiers' handheld lamps were extinguished one by one.". Total darkness doesn't descend on the atmosphere, the correct usage of the proverb is that it descends on the village. The "followed by the Umbra that encroached upon everything." feels awkward, I'd put it in a separate sentence.

    Next paragraph: "unseeable scenery" is ... strange word use. I'd use "pitch dark", or if you want to be real cheeky you can say "dim", it rhymes. "Occurrence" feels strange, and "jaws" should be singular, "jaw": everyone has one jaw. Later on in the paragraph, I would not say "However, something ...", I'd say "Next, something ..", makes a big difference.

    =====================================

    Good luck, experiment a bit and see what way of writing works best for you!

    Try to find someone else who can give you some more advice as well. If I give more feedback, I'll start repeating myself. Would not be very efficient. Maybe read through the feedback I gave before again. Maybe in like a week or a few weeks, with rewritten chapters, you can post a new thread.

    There's room for improvement in your writing (even on spelling and grammar: spellcheckers don't detect everything). Maybe rewriting will fix some things, keep an eye out for the feedback I gave before. But other things will only improve with richer knowledge, experience and well-developed intuition.
     
  15. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Chapter 8

    “Hungry…”

    A running Rhoa exploded into a bloody mess.

    “Meat…”

    Two Rhoas were caught by Kyle`s tentacles, before he smashed their skulls against eachother.

    “I want meat!”

    His high pitched roar echoed through the forest. Discharged from his palm, the tentacles wrapped themselves around the visible branches, pulling him forward. Flying through the thick Umbra, Kyle continued slaughtering anything that moved. His increased hearing picked up the sounds from the butchering scene ahead. Speeding up, the tentacles contracted even faster, catapulting him towards the chaos.

    The great Rhoa was suddenly hit by a flying human figure. Kicking off the Rhoa with both legs, Kyle`s attack tilted the thing to one side. With a thundering noise, the great Rhoa fell to the ground after losing its balance. Two tentacles gripped onto the thing`s nostrils, yanking the Rhoa`s head down while simultaneously pulling Kyle closer. Avoiding its giant beak, Kyle got to the upper side of the Rhoa.

    With both hands, he dug into its remaining eyes and plucked it out, then chewed on it like marshmallow. Going crazy from the pain, the Rhoa writhed while shrieking. With only two limbs, the monster thrashed around trying to get back on its feet. Kyle immediately went for the legs, but as soon as he vaulted to the down side of its body, he randomly got into the trajectory of its legs.

    The strike smashed his torso and then his shoulder blades as Kyle slammed against the ruins of a turret. As Kyle struggled on the ground, the Rhoa was slowly getting up. The Umbra was getting thicker around Kyle, and his mutated body seemed to be absorbing it. Letting out a breath of steam, Kyle, or the creature that used to be him, got up on fours; its mouth grew even bigger. His body did not regenerate, but more like the Umbra formed strings to keep his limbs moving. Although the Rhoa couldn`t see anything, it still posed a huge threat: a single hit is enough to kill him.

    The thing that used to be Kyle was cautiously observing its prey. Blinded, the Rhoa kept spinning in circles in hope to hit something. The predator stepped back, took aim, and shot out both of its tentacles. It flew right past the Rhoa, leaving a ragged gnaw. Swallowing its meal, the monster repeated the attack. Soon that great Rhoa was caught inside a storm of bites and claws, as the other monstrosity kept on dashing through it from all directions
     
  16. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Chapter 9

    Chunks after chunks of flesh fell to the ground, or went inside the Kyle`s stomach. The Rhoa`s blood splattered everywhere: on the ground, on the trees, and on the corpses of soldiers. The scent of blood mixed with rusted armor filled his lungs, but Kyle was not the least affected by it. The deformed body was completely separated from his consciousness, as it only focused on ripping its gigantic prey into pieces.

    All of a sudden, a sharp pain shot up his left arm. Looking at it, Kyle realized his middle finger was gone, replaced by a bleeding gap with some splintered bones poking out. Roaring in anger, he shot his tentacle straight at the Rhoa`s side, pulling himself head first into it. His mouth expanded, with cracking sounds of breaking bones, before he sank his horrid teeth into its flesh.

    *Twack*

    Multiple sounds of flesh being brutally pulled apart were heard, right before Kyle had to rush out of the Rhoa`s range. Half of his teeth were stuck inside the thing`s flesh, after being wrenched from his jaws. A closer look showed his claws were damaged from attacking the Rhoa.

    “The Rhoa is getting more and more resilient after every hit it took!” Kyle`s mother spoke in a distressed tone.

    “Madam, there`s nothing we can do to help him now! He has turned already! We need to retreat!”

    “You go first! I`m not leaving!”

    The hunter shook his head, and rushed away from her. With both eyes wide opened, she scoured her memories for a solution. In her head, images from a book she read appeared. “The apocalypse potion`s effects are unpredictable. With the worst side effect being the subject accepts Umbral energy in its veins, and transform into a Lacrom of minimum 50 levels.” (No that`s not it…) She rummaged her mind further. (The mutagenic phage! Yes, with that technique, I can save him!). As soon as the thought entered her mind, she instantly sprinted away, with her glowing stone, deeper into the forest.

    “By controlling one`s own blood with the help of this potion, the Blood Arts user will be able to give his or her immune system the command to completely shut down, allowing the start of the technique…”

    She dug up a metal box from an unknown grave. Opening it, she drank the strange potion bottle inside. Getting into a meditation position, she executed the technique. Words flashed through her mind, as she felt her strength slowly depleting.

    “The blood of the user will be infected with a special kind of disease which protects him or her from other sicknesses, speeds up metabolism, and alter the structure of the practitioner`s heart. However…”

    *BOOM*
     
  17. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Chapter 10

    The great Rhoa, blinded and profusely bleeding, fell on its knee from exhaustion. Its body slowly inflated, bloating up everywhere. Little did Kyle know what was going to happen when he took that chance to assault the monster. The Rhoa`s body heated up rapidly while Kyle was madly clawing away its bloated skin. Glowing fiercely, its corpse suddenly exploded, igniting everything within the radius.

    Kyle`s mother rushed at the direction of the blast.

    “To successfully transfer the disease to another person, one must be in the bloodline of the cult, and must receive a amount of infected blood equal to his or her weight. The carrier must then be supplied with enough nutrition to accept the fully developed virus into his or her system as well as to supply the mutation of the heart.”

    Hers sank when she saw the terrifying scene. Everything was burnt into crisps, even the ground was scorched clear of any moisture. Flames were still lingering around, and the putrid smell of blood was asphyxiating.

    Desperate for any signs of her son, she called his name out loud as she swept her gaze across the ruins. Running through the thick smoke, the sore inside her throat got worse and worse, while the fire was still devouring anything that was flammable. She tripped on something and slumped onto the ground. Tears blurred her eyes before she started coughing uncontrollably.

    Staggering back on her feet, she continued her search against all odds. She went for the destroyed beacon, and frantically knocked down its walls. Inside, she found more mana batteries for her light. The explosion sent debris flying everywhere, and Kyle might very well be one of those.

    The ruined tower started to creek threateningly. She slowly backed off, but one of the huge bricks randomly fell, and crashed down onto her leg. She was pinned, and the structure was about to collapse on her any time. Panicking, she did not realize that a black shadow has crawled out from the darkness, and was charging for her.

    Kyle woke up to the light of dawn, shining brightly on him. The battlefield from yesterday was completely destroyed, though the scent of blood was partly warded off by the smoke from yesterday`s fire. Looking around, he saw half burnt body and body parts scattered everywhere.

    “Ugh…” He wiped off the dust on his eyes, his fingers randomly brushed against his cheek.

    He felt the existence of a long scar, from one side of his face to the other. He looked down, and just a few steps away was his mother`s head. Memories rushed back into his head and he fell into silence. A good while later, Kyle touched his mouth using his right hand.

    “Huhu… huhuh… heheheheh…hahaha…AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

    Kyle bursted into laughter. The scar across his face started to rip open from his mouth. Soon his smile extended to his ears, dripping blood. He was still laughing.
     
  18. A_Random_Weeb

    A_Random_Weeb Active Member

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    Halp :> I wrote this when I was really sleepy and wasn`t exactly sane sooooo... :> criticism plez ♥
     
  19. ChickenBakuba

    ChickenBakuba Well-Known Member

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    Wow it’s an actual normal story by you, is the sky falling? Well since it’s normal for once I’ll give some normal critique

    -ve:

    Punctuation:

    Your punctuation sucks, like it sucks massive balls, but it’s savable yet. Look up on how to do punctuation right on google and you’ll have perfect punctuation (if you try) within an hour or so. And don’t use semicolons, until you realise how to use it correct.

    Apostrophe:

    Get rid of that apostrophe and use the normal one (‘) the word you’re using is from your native language...

    Information dump:

    The first paragraph of chapter 2, you have an information dump. It’s awkwardly thrown to the reader, and information dumps are never good. Chapter 1 was done well, where information about the world was given to the reader through dialogue with the boy and his mother. You don’t rly have any problems with this actually

    Grammar:

    Generally ok, though a few careless ones here and there.

    Phrasing, choice of words, etc:

    I’m pretty sure you’re wording the story in your head with your own native language before translating it to english. That’s bad, try not to

    +ve:

    Fight scenes:

    Excellent fight scenes, chock-full of action and stuff. You’re a natural at this part

    Story:

    Cliche story, but cliche never goes wrong. Just give the characters stronger personalities

    Just keep reading from the good stories on royalroad, they’re great references