Something I wrote in JP

Discussion in 'Translator's Corner' started by Gandire Alea, Oct 15, 2021.

  1. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2017
    Messages:
    3,482
    Likes Received:
    48,748
    Reading List:
    Link
    So, this is something I have been working on. How would you rate it?? Can you understand it??

    勝利で悪戯な笑顔を見せた、紫水晶の目をした少女は両手の手のひらを離した。
    自分の身体に怪我がないか確認した。そうすると最初に気づいたのはもはやガバガバになっているアロハシャツが肩から幔幕のように膝の上まで垂れ下がっていることだ。
    少女は傍観者に向けて一歩を踏み出したがもはやガバガバになっている靴を足先で絡め取ってバランスを崩した。
    ゲイラはその小さな少女がよろよろしているのために前方に駆けつけた。青葉の髪がひらひらしていると同時に肩を捉えた。
    少女は小さい手に視線を落とした。細い指を拳握ったり開いたりながらそれを見た。
    「これ...慣れる時間をかかるかもしれないね...」
    唇を引き結んだ。
     
  2. Kiriko

    Kiriko Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2017
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    23
    Reading List:
    Link
    It's been a couple days since you posted this, but I'm guessing you're still looking for some responses.
    I can make sense of what you're trying to say here, but I think there are some improvements that can be made grammatically (granted, I wouldn't say my Japanese is perfect either)?
    勝利で悪戯な笑顔を見せた、紫水晶の目をした少女は両手の手のひらを離した。
    It's a bit hard to tell without any further context, but is this scene supposed to be after the girl beats someone and then I guess uses up all her power and then shrinks as a result? Or was she doing some experiment to shrink herself? If it's the former, the current wording is fine, but if it's the latter I'd recommend using 成功 instead of 勝利.
    Grammar:
    For the first half of the sentence, it needs to end with 見せて, since you're continuing the sentence after the comma. Also, rather than using で, I think it should be に instead.
    紫水晶の目をした少女 - I think this part can use a little bit of rewording. I get that you're trying to say that she has amethyst-colored eyes, but 紫水晶の目 suggests she has amethysts for eyes. If you wanna say that she has eyes that look like amethysts, then '紫水晶のような目を持つ少女' might work better? Roughly translates into "the girl who possessed eyes like amethysts".
    両手の手のひらを離した - I think this can be shortened into 両手のひらを離した​
    Gotta go for dinner now, but I'll get back to the rest if I remember and if you're still interested in getting a response. Good work though, it's not easy writing in Japanese.
     
    Gandire Alea likes this.
  3. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2017
    Messages:
    3,482
    Likes Received:
    48,748
    Reading List:
    Link
    I look forward to it, thank you~
     
  4. Kiriko

    Kiriko Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2017
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    23
    Reading List:
    Link
    Alrighty, now for the rest (y)
    自分の身体に怪我がないか確認した。
    Just need to insert an を here. ​
    そうすると最初に気づいたのはもはやガバガバになっているアロハシャツ肩から幔幕のように膝の上まで垂れ下がっていることだ。
    I think the first part of the sentence can be rearranged a bit to: そうすると最初に気づいたことはガバガバになった, etc. The もはや can be cut out, as it does feel a bit redundant since you're saying that the t-shirt has become too big already. If you arrange the beginning like this, you can cut out the "ことだ" at the end and just end it with 垂れ下がっていた。
    ガバガバになっているアロハシャツ - I believe this either needs to be changed to なっていた. Saying なっている suggests that the shirt is still in the process of becoming too big for her. Since she's already shrunk, it needs to be in past tense.
    が should probably be changed to は, though it technically does still work as it is right now, I think using は will put more emphasis on the t-shirt as a subject of the sentence. This is more of a style preference though, so up to you if you want to change it. ​
    少女は傍観者に向けて一歩を踏み出したがもはやガバガバになっている靴を足先で絡め取ってバランスを崩した。
    I'll admit, it bothers me a bit that you used 'もはやガバガバになっている' right after using it to describe the shirt as well. My suggestion would be to say something like 今の彼女にとって大き過ぎる靴が足を絡みとってバランスを崩した。It does feel like a bit of a run-on sentence, but honestly most Japanese sentences with description tend to feel like that....​
    ゲイラはその小さな少女がよろよろしているのために前方に駆けつけた。
    The structure of this sentence feels a bit funky to me. I assumed you're trying to say something on the lines of "Seeing her stagger, Keira ran up to the small girl to catch her". Putting 'よろよろしているのために' suggests to me grammatically that Keira ran up to the girl in order to make her stagger. Probably would change it to ゲイラはその小さな少女がよろよろしていることを見て、彼女の前に駆け付けた。​
     
    Gandire Alea likes this.
  5. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2017
    Messages:
    3,482
    Likes Received:
    48,748
    Reading List:
    Link
    Thank you for your insight. I have to agree, when it comes to describing things in Japanese, they do feel like run ons... >.>

    I will absolutely look into your suggestions
     
  6. Kiriko

    Kiriko Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2017
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    23
    Reading List:
    Link
    青葉の髪がひらひらしていると同時に肩を捉えた。
    Here, I think you should probably say whose hair is fluttering, since it's a bit uncertain without appropriate context. Just throw in a 少女の青葉の髪が...
    ひらひらしていると同時に - while I think this is grammatically correct, it sounds really weird because "している" suggests the hair in the middle of fluttering, and 同時に basically re-emphasizes this. You can probably cut this down to ひらひらすると同時に...​
    少女は小さい手に視線を落とした。
    Just to clarify, I'd put 少女は自分の小さな手に...​
    細い指を拳握ったり開いたりながらそれを見た。
    With a '...たり...たり' statement, there should be a する after it. So it should be 細い指を拳握ったり開いたりしながら...
    Since you wrote in the previous line that the girl was looking down at her hand already, you probably don't need to put in the それを, but you can leave it in if you want.
    Instead of 見た (saw, looked at), 見つめていた (gazed at) feels more like what you're trying to describe here.​
    And that's the last of it. Hope it was helpful!
     
    Gandire Alea likes this.
  7. Gandire Alea

    Gandire Alea [Wicked Awesome Translator]

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2017
    Messages:
    3,482
    Likes Received:
    48,748
    Reading List:
    Link
    Thank you for the help~
    :blobsnow: