Way back, I made a post. This is a continuation of that thread. Her birthday is on the 3rd of May, and as oer the suggestions and comments I've received, I changed the whole style of the poem. I hope all you nuffers would be willing to judge it for me. Thank you ———————————————————————— Back then, Walking alone in the moonlit night, While staring up at the starry sky, Only the moon caught my eye, It was dazzling, a beautiful sight. But then, I came to this fated place, I met one who changed my heart. Since first sight, Everything was no longer the same, As I saw her brilliant luster, The moon dazzled no longer, As I heard her melodic voice, The songs no longer sounded the same, As she flashed her radiant smile, Even the rays of sunshine dimmed, And as I saw the twinkle in her eyes, Even the brightest stars shined no longer, Ever since then, I kept on whispering her name. This is my honest confession, Of what I've always thought, For 5 years without hesitation, You are the one I've sought. To me, you are more than just a wallflower, You were the one who gave me power, I took every single chance, Just so you would spare me a glance. I searched for my voice, I disciplined my body, I changed my style, I learned the pen, I aimed for the top. I changed my self, I tried to be without peer, Just so you would notice I'm here. Therefore miss Sarah K, Although today's your birthday, I can't give you a gift better than the ones you've given me everyday For you are the reason why I am who I am today, So, this is all I can say, "Sarah K, Happy Birthday, thank you for being born, thank you for being you and may God repay you for everything."
hahah, thanks. I'm sure you'll find one someday. I'm not better off though, as for now, It's unrequited.
This is my honest confession, Of what I've thought, 5 years of hesitation, Even though you were the one I sought. To me, you are more than just a wallflower, You were the one who gave me power, Just so you would spare me a glance, I took every chance. I searched for my voice, I disciplined my body, I changed my style, I learned the pen, I aimed for the top. I changed my self, Just so you would spare me a glance. So I thought it was very good but I think you could change the following lines from these sections so that it can flow better: "Even though you were the one I sought." - Maybe made this line a little shorter to match the lines above it. I took every chance. - This line kinda cuts too abruptly. Maybe try to extend it? "Just so you would spare me a glance." - The second one is repeat of an earlier line and doesn't have as much strength because of that. Maybe change the line earlier to something else so that the idea of fighting for her attention is more of the focus here instead? These were just my suggestions so its ok if you want to disagree with these or ignore them completely. Hope all goes well! Good Luck!
This is my honest confession, Of what I've always thought, For 5 years without hesitation, You are the one I've sought. To me, you are more than just a wallflower, You were the one who gave me power, I tried to be without peer, Just so you would notice I'm here. I searched for my voice, I disciplined my body, I changed my style, I learned the pen, I aimed for the top. I changed my self, Just so you would spare me a glance.
See now I think "Just so you would notice I'm here" is better to put where "Just so you would spare me a glance." is now because it gives more emphasis on you wanting her to know how you feel. I don't think the following section should be about that: "I tried to be without peer, Just so you would notice I'm here." because thats what the next section is dedicated to. Since its in a section where you are talking about her being more than just a wallflower and that she gives you power, the next two lines should ALSO be about how you see her and how that makes you feel.
What about this? ———————————————————————— To me, you are more than just a wallflower, You were the one who gave me power, I took every single chance, Just so you would spare me a glance. I searched for my voice, I disciplined my body, I changed my style, I learned the pen, I aimed for the top. I changed my self, I tried to be without peer, Just so you would notice I'm here.
I remember this... Hope you succeed , an unusual thing for people to say here but seriously good luck. And the poem is perfect