Novel Super Galactic Pirate Ji-Yon!! ☆

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by Sky Farrow, Jun 5, 2017.

Tags:
  1. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    Introduction~
    I used to write a lot when I was younger, but I wrote them on real books (I like to feel the texture of paper and the slickness of the pen...) and I lost all those books, booo :(

    Anyway since we're in the age of the Internet, I started writing again. I had a new idea lately, and I wanted to try out the sci-fi genre. So here's the story:

    [Synopsis]
    The story is about a man called Ji-Yon, son of the Archon of Planet Mepta. Due to his personality and the crimes he committed in the shadows, his father decided to exile him from the planet for fifty years. This leads on to Ji-Yon's journey into the galaxy as a space pirate, where he needs to survive for fifty years with his crew.

    RRL link: http://royalroadl.com/fiction/12386/super-galactic-pirate-ji-yon

    Tags (will be updated as story goes on) - Sci-fi, space, evil main character, good-looking male lead, beautiful female lead, betrayal, violence, smut, adventure, aliens
    I'm just thinking of all those tags I saw on NovelUpdates...Geez..

    Please feel free to give feedback and comments :eek:
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2017
    L4, Damyabo, maharaya and 1 other person like this.
  2. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    Chapter One

    Adira City, Mepta 1558 N.E

    Today was a big day.

    The streets were bustling with creatures from all walks of life, the excitement of today’s festival high up in the air. Mini-ships and flying vehicles dashed around in the city airspace, most of them heading to the same direction.

    In the heart of the city was a massive tower that reached up to the pink-cerulean skies of Mepta. Known as the Heart Tower, it was the central building that governed Adira City. On normal days this tower that spanned over the city would sport a greyish-blue hue, but today was a special occasion, and the tower was shining with a shade of blue light.

    Overlooking the city from the top of the tower, Archon Mei-Yon heaved a deep sigh. His eyes had a faraway look to them, the colour of the sky reflected in his gaze.

    “It is finally time.”

    Archon Mei-Yon closed his eyes for a moment before he turned around, looking at a woman with sharp glasses and brown hair. She was dressed neatly, a pen and clipboard in her arms. It was his trusted secretary, Ra-Ine.

    “The systems are online, sir. Are you ready?” She asked, her face appearing stern as always. Archon Mei-Yon nodded. With that, she walked over to the desk on her right, pressing a blue button. With a click, there was a whirr sound and Archon Mei-Yon was bathed in neon-blue light. The glass window in front of him turned dark and a semi-transparent panel appeared. He cleared his throat, his face directed at the panel before him.

    “Greetings, citizens of Adira. I hope you are all well and ready to embrace the greatest day of the year! Before we begin however, I would like to say a few words.”

    He took a deep breath and continued, “Today marks the 50th year of Independence, a day we celebrate every year to remind ourselves of the sacrifices made. For a hundred years Mepta fought against the feared aliens of Xeptis, countless blood shed in the process. Your ancestors gave everything they had to ensure the freedom of Mepta’s inhabitants, disallowing the planet to fall into darkness.”

    “Of course, you all know the story. And so I will not elaborate, but instead talk about the future of Mepta. As Archon of Mepta, I strongly believe in the interests of my people. I would like to continue improving the planet’s economy, the people’s quality of life and the advancement of technology. Firstly I would like to lower taxes by 15% in regards to daily necessities, secondly housing costs will be lowered by 20% in three months. Thirdly, Mepta Technologies will provide more job opportunities to Adira citizens. This comes with the increase of production across all Mepta Technology equipment, mainly weapons.”

    Archon Mei-Yon paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. Then he added, “We have lasted through 50 years of great peace, but there is no telling on when the next enemy will emerge. I think that the planet’s defences should be strengthened. There has been reports of Xeptis appearing in the outer borders of nearby galaxies; while it is not confirmed, I would rather not take any chances.”

    “With that said, I urge you all not to worry. Mepta is strong and will hold as long as your hearts flow with it. Now that I am finished, please indulge yourselves in the Adrian festival. Happy Independence Day!”

    Once Archon Mei-Yon finished, he stepped away from his spot and the panel and neon-blue light disappeared in a flash. Faintly, the sounds of applause and cheering entered his ears. He smiled and turned around to face his secretary. “How did I do?” He asked smugly.

    Ra-Ine threw him a brief smile before returning to her normal, stern expression. “You did well, sir. No problems were encountered during the broadcast. The whole city was able to hear your speech.” She tapped at her clipboard, frowning slightly. “However, I have something important to inform to you, sir. It regards… your son.”

    It was Archon Mei-Yon’s turn to scowl. “What is it now?”

    Ra-Ine did not reply; she just handed him her clipboard. On it was a screen with a young man’s face and some informative notes. The Archon took it and started reading, his scowl deepening as he took in the report.

    “Not again,” He groaned. Mei-Yon walked over to the door, getting ready to leave his office. A massive headache was starting to get to him, but he simply shook his head and left, Ra-Ine following behind.

    + — +

    “Ji-Yon, you nasty piece of scum! How dare you call me a bitch!”

    A beautiful young lady was screaming at the top of her lungs, her fists waving in the air. She was standing outside the gate, stamping her feet as she continued making a racket. On the other side stood a young man, his expression annoyed and troubled.

    This man was none other than the accused Ji-Yon, son of the respected Archon of Mepta. Unlike his neatly dressed, prim and proper father, Ji-Yon looked like a rebellious young man. His hair was smooth and long, dyed in a light pink-blue gradient, the tips of it glowing a little light blue. His eyes sparkled in a crystal purple colour, and his skin was fair. He wore a black and blue short jacket, pairing it with a purple skin-tight shirt and black jeans. Anyone who saw him would notice his lean figure, colourful hair and beautiful, androgynous face.

    Indeed, his looks had garnered him many lovers and many enemies.

    “Calm down, Sa-Fin. Don’t forget that I’m the son of the Archon! Are you trying to anger me?” Ji-Yon shouted over the gate, folding his arms. “I can easily ask one of the guards to beat you up!”

    Sa-Fin widened her eyes in shock. “You dare call your guards to beat me up? I’m pregnant with your child, that’s a crime! Even the son of the Archon can’t escape the law!” She shouted, but her voice was not as loud as before. While she was furious, she was not stupid. Ji-Yon was not known to have a good reputation and she still valued her life. So much for her plan of trying to threaten him, though.

    The infamous sole son of the Archon sneered at his latest ex-lover. “Look, I know you want me to be responsible for the kid. But there’s no way I’m paying you a billion Dions just for abortion and trauma fees! You bitch, you were the one who lied about being on the pill so you could try and extort some free cash!” He laughed, sweeping his fringe to the side of his face. “If you think I’m stupid, then I’m sorry about that. You can go and deal with the problem yourself,” he added coldly.

    Sa-Fin narrowed her eyes, unable to reply. He had already caught onto her plan; she underestimated him. “But still, this is your child. You will have to bear responsibility!” She remarked with a hiss.

    Ji-Yon threw her a look of disdain. This woman was really difficult to deal with! If he had known earlier, he would’ve contracted one of the assassins in his contact list to eliminate her…

    “What is going on here?” A familiar voice questioned from behind the young man. Immediately Sa-Fin and Ji-Yon became quiet; a figure materialised behind the Archon’s son, revealing the Archon himself. Ji-Yon groaned. Here we go, he thought.

    + — +

    It was nighttime, and the three moons in the dark blue and purple sky glowed with a gentle white light. In the grand mansion where the Archon resided in, somewhere near the outskirts of Adira City, numerous bright yellow lights shone from the windows.

    Ji-Yon sat in the huge dining room, his back leaning against the soft cushions of his chair as he ate supper. It had been a few hours since the incident with Sa-Fin ended; his mind was still busy replaying what his father had told him after solving the trouble.



    “Ji-Yon,” His father said to him, “You are turning twenty-five this year, the official age of a young adult. Yet you act so irresponsibly and immaturely! Many times have I lectured you, yet many times have you disappointed me. When will you ever learn?”

    Ji-Yon glared at his father, his expression sullen. He opened his mouth to retort as he always did, but his father cut across him this time. “Ji-Yon, I had have enough of your crap. You’ve fooled around with fifty women, impregnating half of them. You even sent a few assassins after them too! You think I wouldn’t know about it?”

    A surprised look flickered on his beautiful face, before turning to a sneer. “They deserved it,” muttered Ji-Yon. Hearing this, the Archon banged his hand on the table. “I catch you red-handed, yet your whole attitude to it is rotten! What you did is a heavy crime! I won’t have a murderous womaniser for a son,” Mei-Yon yelled angrily. He hadn’t even mentioned Ji-Yon’s unreasonable, lavish spending or his penchant for using the name of the Archon to force and threaten people.

    Ji-Yon didn’t know how to reply, so he merely frowned. Deep inside he could feel a sliver of fear; he was used to his father’s rage, but this time his father’s words seemed heavier than usual. He wasn’t going to actually send him to prison, was he?

    He wouldn’t do that, I’m his only son! Ji-Yon mused, feeling a surge of confidence. So it came as a shock to him when he heard his father’s next words -

    “I’m banishing you from Mepta! You are not allowed to return for fifty years,” Mei-Yon announced. His son stared blankly at him. “What did you say, dad?”

    “You’re banished. I’m sending you away tomorrow,” said Mei-Yon.



    Returning back to reality, Ji-Yon fiddled with his spoon, trying to calm his thoughts. He had never thought his father would actually resort to such a terrible punishment; he’d rather go to prison! Mepta was his home, his sanctuary! He had absolute power here, but he was nothing beyond the planet!

    “Maybe my father will change his mind,” Ji-Yon muttered to himself. Yet he knew his father well; once the Archon made up his mind, he would never change it. Besides, the Archon had already asked for a starship to be prepared at the Space station. Mei-Yon had also ordered the servants to pack up all his belongings, transferring everything to the starship.

    No matter how much Ji-Yon screamed, whined or yelled, he could not stop them from taking all his stuff away. Knowing it was futile, he was tempted to kick away all the fragile artefacts decorating the house in revenge, yet he didn’t want to further anger his father.

    Tonight would be the last night Ji-Yon stayed under the sky of Mepta.

    + — +

    The next day, at the Space station above Mepta’s sky.

    Ji-Yon was dressed in his usual carefree attire, flaunting off his good looks to the world. He was walking beside his father and secretary Fa-Ine. The Space station was crowded as usual, mostly packed with Adiran humans while lesser races mixed in. Every now and then, the station would announce the arrival or departure of a starship; the noisy chatter of the crowd or the sound of footsteps filled the air whenever the announcement ended.

    Of course, the noise died quickly when people began to notice the Archon and his famous son and secretary walking among them. Whispers and stares were thrown at the trio, much to Ji-Yon’s dismay. He was a rather narcissistic person, so how could he not be concerned with being known and laughed at as the first person being banished from Mepta in fifty years?

    Yet as Ji-Yon walked, he stared at every corner of the station. He wanted to remember everything about Mepta before he was forced out of his home planet; even though he refused to show it, he felt a tinge of sadness. Goodbye Mepta, he thought. He was finally leaving this good-for-nothing planet, yet when the time came there was a reluctance in his heart. Then he directed his gaze at the back of Mei-Yon, anger building in his heart. How he hated his father! It was so infuriating!!

    “Here we are,” Mei-Yon said. The trio stopped in front of a door with a star on it - it was a sign that informed people that this entrance was reserved to private starships. There was a loud beep as the door scanned the trio with a red light. After a few seconds, the door whizzed open and they walked through, being greeted with a sight that made Ji-Yon raise his eyebrows.

    A grand, shiny starship hovered at the dock a few dozen metres away. The starship was rather huge for a private space vehicle, its shape akin to a sleek jet plane. It was covered in a metallic glossy black hue, while the windows were glowing blue. The symbol of Mepta - a pink flower surrounded by seven blue stars decorated the bottom section of the ship. The ship was one of the most beautiful starships Ji-Yon had ever set his eyes on, and it was singing out to him while the countless stars sparkled in the background.

    “Built-in with the latest technology, fitted in with the most advanced weaponry. Able to make up to seven consecutive space warps in a day, it stores up to two million galleons of compressed starfuel,” Mei-Yon started telling Ji-Yon, who was feeling rather conflicted now.

    As Mei-Yon went on explaining the details of the starship to his son, Ji-Yon’s expression was mixed with coldness and realisation. He waited for his father to finish before he said in an accusing tone, “You’ve been planning to exile me for years!” He balled his hands into fists, gritting his teeth. He didn’t think his father could be so sneaky.

    Mei-Yon chuckled. “Yes, I already knew you were a lost case five years ago,” he replied. Then he added, “This starship was custom-built just for you, so if you ever try to return secretly the systems will easily recognise your ship. Of course, if you decide to foolishly switch to another starship your presence will alert the systems as well. After all you are the only one around carrying my blood.”

    With a snort, Ji-Yon turned away and snapped, “You suck. I guess I wasn’t worth your time in the end, so you gave up so easily.”

    “No, it’s because I’m smart enough to know what can be saved and what can be let go. In any case, you are still my only son, so I built the best starship I could for you. Sending you away is my way to hope you change for the better, but if you don’t survive the fifty years of your exile, then that’s too bad.”

    Mei-Yon was smiling, but his smile did not reach up to his eyes.

    Old bastard, Ji-Yon thought. He really didn’t like his father’s way of doing things. A silence formed between father and son before secretary Ra-Ine cleared her throat and stepped forward. “Ji-Yon,” she started, her eyes focused on the clipboard she always held.

    “You will be entrusted with a small crew that will serve you well. A spaceship pilot, a cook and a hygiene officer; you will meet them when you enter your ship. Here is your Dion card. Twenty billion Dion has been credited in it.” She passed a metallic silver card to Ji-Yon, who nodded. Twenty billion Dion was a pretty average sum for him, but he knew it wouldn’t last him fifty years.

    “Your pilot, Ar-Ris is a skilled woman who has experience in travelling through space. She also has battlefield experience, as she fought in the Mepta-Xeptis War in its later years. While you are the leader of your crew, it is advised to listen to her input. She will greatly increase your chances of survival in deep space.”

    “With that said, we are done here,” Mei-Yon announced when Ra-Ine stopped. He put his right hand to his chest, the first three fingers sticking out while the last two were folded behind, and he bowed his head. It was the way of Mepta in greeting and sending one off.

    Ji-Yon looked at his father silently. Emotion of anger mixed with a tinge of sadness welled up in his heart, but he sighed and did the same. “Goodbye,” Ji-Yon finally said. He had always wanted to be far away from his father, but when the chance came he felt a longing to stay. Why were human emotions so fragile and unpredictable?

    Not allowing his heart to stay confused, Ji-Yon turned around and headed towards the starship, refusing to look back. He concentrated his gaze on the beautiful ship, and saw the hatch below the ship lower, revealing three young women. They would be his crew members, his company for fifty years…

    - Chapter One End -
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
    Trent likes this.
  3. Zeckzen

    Zeckzen Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2016
    Messages:
    763
    Likes Received:
    422
    Reading List:
    Link
    The smut tags hold me back there
     
  4. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    I just put them there for... :cool: future purposes.
     
  5. newgen333

    newgen333 Friendly Bandit

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2016
    Messages:
    259
    Likes Received:
    166
    Reading List:
    Link
    Harem?
     
  6. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    I doubt so, hmm :eek:
     
  7. RR Vocaloid

    RR Vocaloid RoyalRoad.com Slepragt

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,272
    Likes Received:
    2,178
    Reading List:
    Link
    Hallo, mod from RRL here. Did you post this on RRL under the same username? Gotta double check because we've had cases of people ripping off other stories and posting them under the same name as the actual author.
     
    Sky Farrow likes this.
  8. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    Yup, it's me!!
     
  9. RR Vocaloid

    RR Vocaloid RoyalRoad.com Slepragt

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,272
    Likes Received:
    2,178
    Reading List:
    Link
    Sky Farrow likes this.
  10. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
  11. Trent

    Trent ☕ Ursine Tea Zealot ☕

    Joined:
    May 28, 2016
    Messages:
    520
    Likes Received:
    3,291
    Reading List:
    Link
    Surprisingly good! I'm digging the interactions. However, the characters themselves don't come alive. So I'm buying the scenes, but not the actors.

    Can you spread out the sci-fi terms more, or remove the need for any of them?

    The pace is rushed. Altogether, it seems like you've put effort into compressing the introduction into one chapter. Though this helps to keep readers' attention and increases excitement, it come at the cost of... pretty much everything else.

    Also, a question: How are we to like the MC? While I'd enjoy reading about a pirate who plunders, fulfills requests, and (maybe inadvertently) does some good in the galaxy, his black widow-ness is off-putting. Dude's a scumbag from the start.

    >_< I like it, I like it! But I'd like for it to be even better, too!
     
  12. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    I haven't written for a long time, I think I lost my touch :rolleyes: guess I need to write more to get going? But thanks for reading :oops:

    Anyway getting to your comment..
    I never written sci-fi before so I'm experimenting with this story :eek: because I always write fantasy back then :unsure: and thought of trying out something totally new. I think there has to be a balance between new and alien terms.. too much makes it feel mind screwy and too little.. probably feels better than too much. But I'll see how it goes D:

    I feel like this is more of a summary of how he got kicked out of Mepta :cool: but I suppose it is a little rushed. I guess I need to find a way to make things interesting without ruining the pace :eek:!

    This isn't Guardians of the Galaxy.. I'm not sure if he will do the galaxy much good. :rolleyes: what do you mean by black widow-ness?
    What makes Ji-Yon likeable.. is his character I guess. When he's not being a scumbag to people?

    I'm happy you like it :eek: and happy that you gave good advice and want it to be better :oops: thanks so much!!

    Anyway I'm in the midst of writing chapter 2 since RRL just approved it. Let's see how it goes :)
     
  13. Trent

    Trent ☕ Ursine Tea Zealot ☕

    Joined:
    May 28, 2016
    Messages:
    520
    Likes Received:
    3,291
    Reading List:
    Link
    Regarding the balance of new terms: Currently, they're concentrated in the beginning of the chapter. In quick succession, we have: Adira, Mepta, N.E., Heart Tower, Archon, Xeptis, and Adrian, as well as the unusual character names. Can you remove any of those terms without hurting the story? Alternatively, can any of them be invoked later, instead? It's not actually as bad as I'm making it sound. But while people who are used to sci-fi can easily accept the terms, readers who aren't may feel overloaded and give up on the story before you can grab their attention.

    I haven't seen Guardians of the Galaxy. If Ji-Yon's an anti-hero, there's no need to force him to become something else. But he can be something like... well, Han Solo, and be a self-centered rogue, but his profit-oriented actions could help others and give him a (perhaps undeservedly) good reputation.

    Black widow as in killing mates. We sort of arrange scumbags by levels, don't we? I might cheer on an MC who's a scumbag by dint of scamming baddies, but for someone who's been serially killing the innocent, budding young women he's slept with? I think I'd rather have his ship fly into a black hole before he can harm anyone else, even if he's a decent guy 99% of the time. -_- Well, plenty of web novel readers don't have a problem with mass murdering MCs, so this might not be a problem at all, actually.
     
  14. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    Planet names and places are... names :cool: Oh my god I don't really know how to remove them without making myself feel off :eek: Though the character names are special to Mepta... Hmmm but I've decided to ease up on those terms from now on x_x)

    Ji-Yon isn't the best guy around, but I plan on writing a more evil main character actually. I've been writing about good characters and 'saving the world' stuff a lot, I kind of wanna do something different. In fact he might be the villain to your typical Hollywood movie MC who always saves the world. I'll see how it goes.

    I see :eek: Hey I like that sentence :sneaky: 'If you'd rather have his ship fly into a black hole...' somehow I like that very much, hoho.
     
    Trent likes this.
  15. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    Chapter 2:
    Nebulax Starship, C9-Loborum, 1558 N.E

    Loborum was an entire cluster of galaxies that gathered in a huge area of deep space, and C9-Loborum was one of them. In the C9-Loborum galaxy itself were numerous planets such as Mepta, Ipus, Ciorus etc. After the Xeptis left the galaxy, the planets and races in C9-Loborum were generally peaceful with each other.

    As the Nebulax Starship drifted through space, Ji-Yon walked behind the three young women with his arms folded. His eyes darted around as he followed after them, studying the ship and wondering how his life was going to turn out from now on.

    The three young women had introduced themselves when he entered the ship earlier. The pilot was a red-headed woman who called herself Ar-Ris; she had a voluptuous figure and seductive smile, reminding Ji-Yon about a few of his past ex-girlfriends. Ar-Ris exerted an air of dominance and spoke with a confident and powerful voice, and while the other two females remained quiet after they introduced themselves, Ar-Ris proceeded to inform Ji-Yon about the interior and workings of the spaceship as they headed to the cockpit.

    While Ji-Yon listened, he cast his gaze on the other two for a moment. Yu-Yun was the cook; a seemingly soft and good-natured girl, she walked with her head lowered, her eyes fixed on her feet. Ji-Yon immediately knew she was the shy sort of girl, and he thought she looked beautiful. Just like some of his other past lovers, he mused.

    As for the last one, she was different from the rest of the crew - Hudieh was a butterfly variant of the native race of Mepta, the Insectoids. They had cute big eyes and small bodies in general, carrying insect features and appearances belonging to the variant of their race. For Hudieh, she had three pairs of thin crystalline wings and two yellow butterfly antennae sprouting from her head. Her wings flapped furiously in colours of purple and green, her body hovering high above the ground as she flew behind Ar-Ris and Yu-Yun.

    Ji-Yon knew Hudieh well - she was a former maidservant in his father’s mansion. A week ago she broke one of his father’s most precious artefacts by accident; Ji-Yon assumed she was punished to serve him in exile to pay back the debts. A little too harsh for a punishment, but Mei-Yon could be cruel at times when it came to his precious artefact collections.

    The light from the nearest sun shone through the transparent walls as the crew walked along one of the ship’s outer corridors, bathing them in orange light. The interior of the ship was covered in black marble with glowing blue lines all over the walls and floor, making most of the windowless hallways and rooms a dim blue.

    After walking for half an hour, they reached a huge black door and stopped. Ar-Ris had just finished telling Ji-Yon all he needed to know about the Nebulax Starship and turned around to face the young man, a playful smile on her lips.

    “We’re about to enter the Bridge. While the ship is on auto-pilot right now, I advice you to not touch anything when I’m not around. You don’t want to break anything by accident.”

    Ji-Yon scoffed and rolled his eyes. He wasn’t so stupid as to go and mess around with the controls and try to fly back to Mepta with zero knowledge on piloting a huge starship like this. Seeing his reaction, Ar-Ris was satisfied enough and the doors opened, revealing the biggest room in the starship.

    Covered in black marble, a circular room with a huge glass panel greeted them. The Bridge had two decks, with the top level overlooking the entire lower level and the glass panel before the room. The ship was moving at a slow pace; the stars outside the glass panel twinkled about. While it was the Bridge room, it felt rather empty for being the most important place in the ship. There was a huge red chair in the center of the top deck, obviously meant for the pilot. Meanwhile at the bottom level a few chairs lined two rows of desks and a few spacesuits hung from the walls.

    Ji-Yon narrowed his eyes as he surveyed the Bridge. The main controls and yoke were at the desk before the pilot seat, so even if he were to try and steer the ship, he couldn’t possibly do it under Ar-Ris’s eyes.

    “Like what you see?” Ar-Ris asked, her gaze fixed on Ji-Yon. He nodded slightly, having nothing proper to say. So far the ship was beautiful and had enough features and rooms to please him. Ar-Ris smiled and said, “That’s good. Now let’s get down to business, Ji-Yon.” Her tone turned serious.

    “Oh?” Ji-Yon lifted an eyebrow, looking at his pilot. He unfolded his arms and put them on his hips, curiosity looming.

    Yu-Yun and Hudieh looked at Ar-Ris as she spoke, “First things first. I would like to remind you that you’re the exiled brat here-“ she lifted a finger and waved it at him “-and no one else here is. Meaning we are independent and we have no obligation to help you. We can also leave you at anytime, especially if you put our lives in danger.”

    Ji-Yon gave her a smug expression; her mentioning of his banishment did no great effect on him.

    “That’s understandable, considering you’re all just here because my father doesn’t want me to die in less than a year,” Ji-Yon sneered. Then he caught sight of Hudieh and pointed at the Insectoid. “What about her? She’s forced to work here to repay her debts, she can’t just run away.”

    Hudieh raised her eyebrows. Ar-Ris laughed, “Well Hudieh can leave too, but only if her life is at risk. That’s what her contract stated.” Before she could say any more, Hudieh flew before Ji-Yon and said in a high pitched voice, “And don’t you dare think you can order me around, you useless worm! You may have been the young master back in the house, but that’s different here!”

    Ji-Yon was taken aback by Hudieh’s sudden squeaks; she acted way more proper in the mansion. “Alright, I get it.” He pushed Hudieh away easily. “I lead the crew by name but I’m not really your boss, you’re all just around by my father’s request or something.”

    Ar-Ris nodded in a satisfied manner, walking to her pilot seat. “Of course, you get to pick the location you wish to go to as long as it’s a reasonable request. I’m sure you were told that my advice should be greatly heeded, to increase your chance of survival in the galaxy.” She started swiping away at the controls, the systems beeping at her touch. Hudieh flew away with a hmph! and settled on a chair at the deck below. Yu-Yun however, turned to Ji-Yon with a gentle smile. “Umm, while you can’t order us around, if there’s anything you like to eat, just ask and I can try to make it whenever you want.” Her voice was soft and pretty, her big eyes twinkling.

    Ji-Yon gave her a nod in response and strode over to Ar-Ris, a question forming in his mind. “So where are we headed to right now?” He questioned. He could see the screens on her desk forming a destination line, but he was not sure. Ji-Yon knew little about space travel, in all honesty. He was never allowed to leave Mepta before this happened; Mei-Yon had wanted him to stay put in the planet like a good boy, and while Ji-Yon had read up some books about the other planets and galaxies when he was younger, he lacked the interest in leaving anyway. Why would he want to leave Mepta when he had such a good life in his home planet?

    “Well,” Ar-Ris started. “I’m setting a course for the nearest planet, Ipus. It’s a human-inhabited planet, and there are plenty of resources there. It’ll take us about a week to get there. We obviously can’t stay floating in space forever, we’d need to refuel and restock, don’t we?”

    With a click, she set the engines whirring and the starship started turning towards the left. Ji-Yon frowned. “Why Ipus though? It’s so far away.”

    “Do you have any ideas on where you want to go now, Ji-Yon?” Ar-Ris waited for his answer, but when he had none she threw him a look and replied, “Since you don’t have a destination, I’m heading to Ipus by the Archon’s request. I have something I need to do there.”

    The young man groaned in his mind when she mentioned his father. “Well whatever, I’m going to walk around.” He had not seen the entire ship yet. This caught Yu-Yun’s attention and she came over to him. “Ji-Yon, would you like me to show you the way? I’ve been in this ship for a few days, and…”

    “Yeah, sure.” Ji-Yon shot a charming smile at Yu-Yun, making her blush a little. Then Hudieh looked up at them, shouting, “Careful Yu-Yun, that guy’s a pervert!” This only earned the butterfly woman a hard glare before Ji-Yon stormed out of the Bridge with the shy Yu-Yun trailing after him.

    Ar-Ris stared after Ji-Yon’s back, a thoughtful look in her eyes.



    “This is the dining room! And that small room over there is the kitchen, and then beyond that would be the food storage room. We stocked up a lot of food before we left, so we should be able to last two months straight in space.”

    Yu-Yun was running around excitedly, her flowing dress flapping in the air as she showed Ji-Yon a grand room that sparkled in yellow light. The dining room was decorated lavishly, the long and black marble table in the center of the room lined with soft blue chairs. A small candelabra hung from the ceiling, and the floor was draped with red velvet carpet and beautiful paintings hung on the walls. It was definitely one of the brighter and more beautiful rooms in the ship and Ji-Yon was impressed. Guess that old geezer designed this ship himself, he mused.

    Yu-Yun spun around to face him. “Well that’s the last place the ship has to show you. Now that we’ve been to the arcade room, gym, library and dining room, I suppose you’d want to head to your own room?”

    Ji-Yon nodded, his hands on his hips. Now that he knew he wasn’t going to die of boredom while in space, he felt more optimistic than ever. Maybe being banished from Mepta wasn’t such a bad thing after all. It was definitely not hell.

    As he followed Yu-Yun through the ship, he racked his brains and tried to think of a place he would’ve liked to go to. When he was younger, all the planets in C9-Loborum seemed amazing. They had their own native alien species and different cultures and creations, different environments and histories. But now…

    Ipus is boring, Ji-Yon thought. It was just a normal average planet dominated by mundane humans and had nothing different from Mepta. What about Ciorus? It’s the biggest planet and the trading port of C9-Loborum. They have everything and they accept everyone into the planet including the big bad guys, he wondered again. But he quickly shook his head. If he ever landed in Ciorus, he might just see a certain person he did not want to meet…
     
  16. Trent

    Trent ☕ Ursine Tea Zealot ☕

    Joined:
    May 28, 2016
    Messages:
    520
    Likes Received:
    3,291
    Reading List:
    Link
    Minor things:
    -I advice → I advise, candelabra → candelabrum for singular (>_< had to look this one up).
    -Make “we’d need to refuel and restock, don’t we” match up.
    -Hyphens for signalling pauses should actually be em dashes.
    -At least the first three semicolons are improperly used. You can turn the first and third into periods and the second into a colon, or tweak the following sentence fragments. (I overuse and incorrectly use them myself, but let me be a hypocrite, okay?)
    -You should split up “Ar-Ris exerted an air of dominance and spoke with a confident and powerful voice” into a couple places where she’s actually talking, instead of lumping all of that description together.

    Story stuff:
    -Perhaps it’s necessary exposition, but the chapter isn’t engaging. Can you spice it up?
    -The MC remains mysterious, with the good and bad connotations attached. Are you slowly sinking readers into his head? If so, it’ll be interesting. But in the meantime, I’m feeling like a wraith in the story.
     
    Sky Farrow likes this.
  17. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    Alright, will correct those mistakes :eek: After work :cool:

    Yeah, it's not engaging :rolleyes: I realised that after reading myself. But I'm not sure how to make... getting accustomed engaging. But I'll spice it up next chapter, and I plan to slowly sink readers into his head :eek:
    A wraith huh e_e) meaning you can't relate to it yet?
     
  18. Trent

    Trent ☕ Ursine Tea Zealot ☕

    Joined:
    May 28, 2016
    Messages:
    520
    Likes Received:
    3,291
    Reading List:
    Link
    *Sigh* I don't know how to answer this. Yeees, but in the sense that I can't relate to a turtle, rather than in the sense that I can't relate to a person much different from myself. Mulling it over, I increasingly suspect that the root of the problem is that we're only getting some of the MC's surface thoughts. Unfortunately, until we understand the MC better and can sink into his shoes, what we're getting seems too much like a bunch of world-building and information, and not much like a story.

    I wouldn't say it's a problem, because you're doing it intentionally, but it is a weakness of this method. Especially since many of the readers here have grown used to web novels focusing on the MC. Ugh. Assuage our doubts!
     
  19. Sky Farrow

    Sky Farrow 天外之魔

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2017
    Messages:
    1,169
    Likes Received:
    2,081
    Reading List:
    Link
    :rolleyes:
    I've been thinking of the story and how to progress it these days. I always had quite a bit of problem starting a story I suppose. Sometimes when I read my own books the first few chapters may be dull :eek: but I get super hooked into it as it goes. (I purposely make myself forget the entire story so I may read it as a reader's perspective after a while)

    Recently I feel like I'm writing too much info and world-building yeah, it feels like a report e_e) But I like to build worlds that are very different, and I don't know where to explain them to not make people confused. But, it's something to work on I guess.

    More focus on MC huh :rolleyes:
     
    L4 likes this.
  20. Trent

    Trent ☕ Ursine Tea Zealot ☕

    Joined:
    May 28, 2016
    Messages:
    520
    Likes Received:
    3,291
    Reading List:
    Link
    I have a ridiculously hard time with starting to read stories because of this. We need inertia. If we start with a big block (of description) in front of us, we find it difficult to get going, and the promise of a charming valley beyond the hills may not be appealing enough to get us to begin the journey.

    Gradually build.

    Gah! This is partly why I didn't want to say anything. No. Maybe? I don't want you to ignore your plan for the story.
     
    Sky Farrow likes this.