Testing if my writing ability in first person point-of-view is okay or not!

Discussion in 'Author Discussions' started by Lazriser, Jan 8, 2019.

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Your response after reading this?

  1. Barely acceptable!

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. Acceptable.

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. Requires editing.

    3 vote(s)
    42.9%
  4. Requires heavy editing!

    3 vote(s)
    42.9%
  5. Just give up in writing pal!

    1 vote(s)
    14.3%
  1. Lazriser

    Lazriser Well-Known Member

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    This is somewhat a chapter 1 of sorts, but a prototype in the sequence of events. I just honestly can't tell if my writing ability 1st POV is "barely acceptable" or needs heavy editing as I possess low level vocabulary and my grammar skills are unrefined. The chapter is read in a descending order.

    Before my very eyes was a pair of siblings clothed poorer than the poor and bloodied than the serfs abused by their masters. The young girl though wounded and shamefully dressed like a rag doll punched violently and violated by evil scum if given the chance still carried fervent hope mixed with vindictive anger flickering like raging flames within her deep scarlet eyes. Beside her was someone akin to those feminine looking guys even if his face was bruised and bleeding and his body filled with scars and scabs all over it. These pair of siblings shuddered before my presence as I made myself apparent through materializing my spiritual form. I could not blame them for I was akin to the evils spoken by legends that stole the lives of the unfortunate and made wicked deals with wicked dealers for any price worth the momentary gain.

    Indeed, I am a demon that was formerly a human, and not just any ordinary human but the most ordinary human you could find in any peaceful society except unlike the common folk; I belong to the ilk of criminals that plague the livelihood of the honest, kind, and brave citizens of modern society. I was the scum that anyone would push away in an instant the moment they met me or my gaze, and like the scum in society; I was part of the dregs in the alleyways or criminal organizations that stagnated the progression to a more clean, dutiful, and civil society. That is who I was before my summoning to this parallel world, and now I was still the same or even more a scummy individual than in the past with my form unbearable to witness; shaped in myriad of monstrous shapes and sizes, and now I appear in a devilish form I quite find handsomely beautiful.

    The very surroundings had turned the air stale with a rusty smell flooding every particle they breathed in and out their thumping chests as they complexions paled like wax melting before the heating fire. I already drained all their sense of reasoning and attempts to escape as their very bodies and souls knew that such a possibility was nigh impossible unless short of a miracle happened here in this underground sacrificial chamber.

    Walking to them casually as otherworldly wisps flickered around me like a smoke of snakes coiling around my body. I took a fine gesture of respect towards these unfortunate pair of siblings bested by their cruel fate and said, “My true name lost and demonic name rightfully claim only to me and my masters before and after; I am called Daemonic! Lowly sires of self-righteous paupers and harlots made princes and princess that folly all day. Pray tell your misgivings against fate and what fair trade shall come between you both and me in this unholy of places within this unholiest of times?”
    Cold! The stone ground was extremely cold and unbearable to touch but I could not complain, and neither could my younger brother. We were a pair of siblings far closer than most and together we were the strongest of siblings against all odds. Such were our lofty thoughts until the tragedy that befall to our family and us, the last survivors of that midnight massacre. We had spent countless days and nights hoping to be saved by some righteous Artist or anyone that could encounter us, but such hopes broke easily in mere hours for me and my younger brother.

    I sighed to what karma we deserved to suffer from such a cruel fate. I had screamed resisting against the evil hands of these cultists but to no avail, I was chained and abused physically and horrifyingly to any woman, violated in ways perverse and torturous only possible to a woman’s body and mind. I cried and pleaded them to stop, but this only led to them becoming more passionate in their wills to eliminate all value of what I consider myself to be human and sane. My sanity would had already broke completely if not for my younger brother, even after countless days and nights waking up tense in the deep nights or early mornings screaming from endless nightmares.

    Remembering their misdeeds on my body had left a deep scar on my mind, soul, and body that I would never be able to forget or even possibly forgive if there was still hope for a married life as loving wife with her beloved husband and children. Ah, such thoughts made me the realize the grim reality that I was soon to die from this cultist festivities but what made it worse was the undeniable fact my younger brother would soon or die earlier than me, because unlike me, a Saint that can use Divine Arts, he was an Artless; incapable of any Arts. Though I was a Saint, such powers were beyond me now, because my purity was no more; my god had long gone abandoned me to my cruel fate.

    Ah, forgive me, my younger brother that your sister was useless even though she was an Artist; she too was scared and unexperienced in the cruelty of this world. Please forgive this sin of mine that I could not weep with you in your final moments. Such were my last thoughts as I went to deep slumber with tears slipping down my cheeks in the cold cell waiting for the moment of death in silent despair.

    Strangely, I was woken up from my cell in the middle of the night and dragged to a new room where a lot of cultists, possibly all of them that were circling in formation while chanting around a magic circle drawn in dried blood and glowing ominous ancient markings unknown to me. Ah, my younger brother, where was my younger brother? Such were my stray thoughts in panic as I feel death inching closer to me when I saw those strange symbols glowing, almost intently at me like something was there beyond the eerie light gazing upon my very soul.

    Younger brother of mine! I saw the cultist hanged him on something profane and sacrilegious to all that is holy in this world. There he was still breathing heavily with his body lacerated with wounds that continued to bleed and dry. Sighing silently knowing he was still alive, the cultists that dragged me here suddenly started ripping my tattered rags, leaving my bare body open for all to these evil eyes to see. A woman would scream in shame or ferociously resist such actions but I no longer felt the sense or fear of shame as this body had already been toyed with by these cultists. Naked, they dragged me to beside my younger brother and bound me in chains behind him on the profane sculpture.

    Needless to say, I knew what was soon to happen, but at least we were going to die together as family; as one. I unknowingly smiled at the cruel fact of our near deaths as the surrounding chants increased in momentum and volume. An ominous hum made itself apparent in this room as the cemented ceiling suddenly open like a contraption, revealing an eerie phenomenon that symbolized the hour of evil – an eclipse; a lunar eclipse at that! Witness such a haunting sight relived me a little in our demise until I heard agonizing cries behind me.

    Younger brother of mine! No! Stop! Stop hurting him, had you all have enough?

    “Stop… stop… please stop! I beg of you, stop hurting him! He has suffered enough for your selfish reasons… let him rest in peace, please I beg you! Whip me instead if you must! I dare you to whip me, you fiends!” I angrily screamed in horror against them, hoping to ease his pain even a little, alas, they ignored my final pleadings. What could I expect from such fiends that ignore my tears during my time of violation? Must he be whipped to death beside me as I am forced to hear his painful moans and flesh tearing apart? Why gods? Why abandoned us to such a cruel fate? Why remind me of the grim reality I am in?

    Curses! I curse you damn fiends! I curse you gods that abandoned us! I curse you world that let such evil plague and destroy our peaceful lives! I curse you all for hurting my younger brother and me! I curse you…

    Unknowingly as I maddeningly raged with the cultist choir in despair against the cruel fate befallen to us alongside my younger brother’s agonizing moans; the magic circle and its strange markings had already shined bloody crimson with the eclipse transformed into a dark purplish chasm that would consume everything in existence. Unaware of such a far horrific sight with my eyes closed; this sacrificial ritual would eventually save us from one hell but set us to hell far worse than death of our own choosing.
    Damn it all! Everyone in the house died by the hands of those cultist bastards! If only I could use the Arts; any Art, I would even sell my soul to those demons that once invaded this world to the brink of its destruction. I would pay any price if I could save my elder sister now, even if I died in the process. Damn it! Curse you all! Curse you fate! Why must she suffer from such evils? What karma did we deserve to die like this? Like animals in a slaughter house; we could do nothing and we could not even dream ourselves from the reality that we both were going to suffer slowly and die worse deaths than beggars or criminals.

    I gnashed my broken teeth and bloodied gums due to the relentless malpractice of Dark Arts on me every day and night by those cultist bastards. I could only bear the immense pain and keep my sanity in hold for the sake of taking even the slightest chance to save my sister. To say this was the worst that could happen to me, my sister had suffered more than just physical abuse; she was repeatedly violated to the point of exhaustion.

    They would experiment on her with Dark Arts that altered the mind and senses for immense pleasure or pain that would ruin the nerves in the body and brain; so I heard from scholars and priests during the pleasant pastimes I longed for. Now every time I was locked in this cell, I could hear her pleadings, and scorns which eventually became hopeless moans that disturbed my sense of self, knowing what exact evils they had done to her pained me more than being their target practice.

    I bitterly bit my tongue to ease the mental scars self-inflicted on me to narrow down the reality that my sister was no more a Saint, but something worse than a harlot. I closed my eyes in agony as I welcomed the next day with silent anger towards them and myself. Ach! I was kicked in the stomach as my senses numb with aching pain in my abdomen, forcing me to wake up from slight drowsiness.

    These cultist bastards sure have their way waking up a defenseless and weak Artless like me in the early morning. Wait… morning, I can’t seem to hear the usual hustling winds outside this underground dungeon through narrow gaps in the walls nor could I see slight rays of light at all. Damn it! I instantly felt dread coursing through me; realizing something different was ongoing this midnight. What could they be possibly attempting to do in this unholy hour where even the stars shine no more? Stars that shined no more for a precise moment… by the Way! It can’t be, surely it is! It would make sense with all this madness happening to us; my elder sister’s purity taken with her mind and body poisoned by the Dark Arts. But why include me? I don’t recall of any ritual that requires an Artless to be sacrificed in this unholy hour? It does not matter! I need to focus right now; my elder sister is definitely going to be killed this midnight! No matter the price; I will save her!
     
  2. Freezy

    Freezy Well-Known Member

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    Tad bit dramatic, sometimes fading from first person to third person. The brother's is probably the most accurate first person, and best written of the three in my opinion. But not bad, I'd give you a 7.
     
  3. otaku31

    otaku31 Well-Known Member

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    Too many run-on sentences??
     
  4. Sakuraid

    Sakuraid Writer, translator and editor

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    Never give up on writing I want to say first, second make your sentences shorter. That second sentence about the young girl feels like it lasts forever before a dot is reached to me. Keep sentences shrted and adding a "," occasionally makes the text feel a bit more flowing and not dragged out in my opinion. Try saying the second sentence in a breath and maybe you'll know what I mean.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2019
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  5. Lazriser

    Lazriser Well-Known Member

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    Souka. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it.
    1. Inaccuracy in using first person point of view. (I should deepen my insight in this, need to read more web novels.)
    2. Run-on sentences. (I get told a lot for that. I seriously need to fix this bad habit of mine.)
    3. Simple but on point, and lack of commas, therefore run-on sentence error or unnatural flow in words. (It all goes down to my bad habit again in speaking windily both in thought and sentence.)
    Maybe I should attempt third person point of view. No, I will do it after I refined my current point of view. Again, thanks for replying; better than having no replies.
     
  6. WinByDying

    WinByDying I can count to four

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    I'll give my opinion plus explanation on the first few sentences. Don't take it as gospel.

    ==================================================

    You want to delay the subject of the sentence as little as possible. That's better for clarity: the reader will immediately go Oh, that's what this is about. Delaying something to the end of the sentence can have dramatic effect, but it's unnecessary, especially at the beginning of a paragraph.
    Additionally, delaying comes at the cost of some fluidity.
    Avoid most forms of to be. It has little meaning.
    You could write it along the lines of, A pair of siblings stood before my very eyes. You can leave the very out to make it even shorter.

    As someone else said, too long. Split it up in multiple sentences and use commas. Account for both meaning and flow when doing so. The tip the other user gave, to read it aloud, is excellent for checking flow.
    The part after though is so long that I almost forgot what the subject was when we get to the verb. Consider shortening or restructuring your sentence for clarity.
    I have trouble understanding the second part of the sentence. I didn't get it after two reads and to be frank, I'm not gonna try any harder. I shouldn't have to.
    One last comment regarding this sentence: use less adjectives. It may look fancy, but using fervent and then vindictive and then raging and then deep scarlet is just too much, especially after the like and if constructions earlier. It's not a poem, it's a text. Fluidity is more important than flowery language. Maybe that's what another user meant by "a tad little dramatic".

    Again, problems with construction and ordering. Your actual sentence is shorter than the part after even. You want to write coherently. First make sure every sentence is a nice, logical package, and then you can start changing the word order for accents or contrast. Fancy things like putting an even at the "end" of the sentence as a sort of counterpoint will bite you back in the ass if the sentence wasn't good in the first place.
    I take issue with omitting was in the second part after even. I can't really say why, it's probably too long to omit it? I also don't like the use of bruised and bleeding here, too long. You could combine both into one adjective, battered for example.
    I think the verb to be is again making the sentence worse than it could be. For example, is even with a battered face and a body littered with scars and scabs not shorter, more fluid? It's still too long to my taste though.
    Also, while I'm at it, filled is not a good word in this context in my opinion. It's too ... generic? If you like dramatic language, littered is a fitting choice.
    Don't say someone akin to those feminine looking guys. Are you sure you cannot write this any shorter? I get that you wrote it this way to make a construction with even afterwards, but it's not worth the jankiness.
    Feminine looking can be changed into feminine without any loss of meaning. So there's no reason not to.
    But I would change the sentence as a whole. We already know someone's standing besides the girl. Why not simply call him her brother? Her brother looked like a feminine guy despite his battered face and body littered with scabs and scars. Or Her brother looked feminine despite ...
    Nice alliteration, scabs and scars. I'd put it in this order, reads better in my opinion. The b sounds softer than the r if you read it aloud.

    Error detected. This pair or These siblings. If you choose the former, I'd actually consider writing The pair instead of This pair of siblings. It's shorter, and otherwise you risk repeating for the third (?) time that you're talking about a pair of siblings. Avoid repetition of content and repetition in general, unless it's some sort of stylistic choice or to imprint a certain word choice.
    as I made myself apparent through materializing my spiritual form is way too long. as I materialized my spiritual form is more concise and thus better.
    The pair shuddered before my presence as I materialized my spiritual form.
    Sounds a bit dramatic still, but it's more concise and as a consequence more powerful. In my opinion.

    ==================================================

    That's it for the first three or so sentences. In general, pay more attention to sentence construction. Keep it shorter, think about word order, placement of subject and verbs, and the length of certain parts of your sentences. Read your own writings aloud, rewrite sentences and paragraphs.

    Make sure sentences have one logical meaning, use commas or split sentences appropriately.
    On the same note, try to alternate between short and longer (not too long!) sentences.
    The semicolon can also provide a short pause if a sentence conveys two sides of the same coin, two separate yet closely related pieces of content. Don't overuse it though and if you aren't sure, use a comma. I don't know if you used it but I put it here because I've seen people use semicolons incorrectly before.

    Use vocabulary appropriately. Don't overload your sentences. Also, always try to think of other ways to say something, try to find other words that can convey the intended meaning better. Like the battered and littered. Learning vocabulary never ends. For example, I didn't know English had a term for sentences that should be split: run-on sentences.

    Read a lot of books, and I mean books with good/correct English. Preferably also some in the genre you want to write in. Keep rewriting! Never stop rewriting!
     
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  7. WinByDying

    WinByDying I can count to four

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    Some more, and I'll try not to repeat myself too much:

    I took out the transition from the first to the second paragraph. The way you wrote it heavily accentuates the demonlike appearance of your protagonist. I don't like the semicolon use here, I can't even determine whether it's used correctly because the sentence is that long. Probably not.
    You made the transition smooth by essentially putting something similar at the end and the beginning of the paragraphs, but I'd keep it shorter. You don't want to spend 3 lines in both paragraphs just transitioning and saying your protagonist is a devil. Too much drama. Except if you want to be a cheesy playwright?
    Actually, multiple shorter sentences with some form of repetition accentuate stronger. Like, I am the evil of legends. I am human turned demon. I swindle the innocent and reap their lives. I plague the honest, the kind, the brave. Well, that's probably a bit too dramatic and too imbalanced, but maybe this is an idea.
    You can just play it safe by putting one shorter sentence at the end of the first paragraph, as a cliffhanger, and expand on it (with more text/sentences) at the beginning of the second.

    Excessive. Seriously, you need to cut down on the adjectives and adverbs and constructions serving a similar purpose. If you accentuate everything, nothing will stand out. It only blots your sentences and hinders the readers' understanding.

    Excessive. So far your first paragraph was your best, I think, only because it's not as ostentatious.
    Errors: This pair, bowing to
    It really has to be shorter: I bowed gracefully/flamboyantly to the the ill-fated siblings and said ...
    The first sentence inside the quotation marks is incorrect grammar-wise (I think). You could consider changing the second sentence to a more direct (and friendly?) Call me Daemonic.

    Anyway, I've spent enough time typing already. Good luck!
     
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