Sooooo I would have uploaded this earlier today(I wrote it just yesterday night), but my intranet decided to say "F#ck you!" and did a nose dive straight into the pavement. So now I am at a starbucks, sipping a Lemonade, and just remembered to post this. Hope you like it, as it is probably one of my only attemps ever to write Romance... If you like what you see, a Like would be appreciated, and without further ado... Spoiler There once was a lone young man. He was the son of a famous clockmaker who created clocks for the nobility. His mother died giving birth to him, so he was raised by solely by his father. His father taught the young man everything about his trade, about clockworks and tiny mechanisms, grooming him to one day take over his business. He was a clockmaker after all. But one day, when the boy was 12 years old, he brought a contraption he had been making out of spare parts from his father's workshop to his father. It was a tiny bird. It danced on a tiny pedestal and made flapping motions with its wings, and performed a silent dance, swooshing with its wings and moving its legs. The man was shocked. He had taught his son his craft, but this was on a different from clock making. As he grew, the boy showed a great aptitude and interest in creating his little contraptions. A frog that when wound up, would jump like a real frog, a fish that could actually swim, and a little puppet man that could draw shapes on a piece of thick paper. More and more, his creations got more and more complex and amazing, and other people recognized his talent. He would put his little metal friends on display in the front window of his father's shop and wind them up. They performed little puppet shows and attracted the children to sit down in front of the shop and watch the little frogs and men dance and hop together. One day, the boy's father passed away tragically, and left him a large amount of money, and told him to go to school and fill in the gaps in his knowledge. So he went and attended the trade school in the capital, close to his home so he could work in his father's shop during the day, and study at night. He graduated at the top of his metal and mechanical classes, outperforming all. His father's shop was also doing well, with many nobles lords and ladies ordering clocks of all shapes and sizes, some gold, some silver, and some wood. With the income, he soon decided he would like to go and study at a high level and attend a university to become a master of clockworks and mechanisms. But he never forgot his humble beginnings. He still created many small and wonderful creatures, filling shelf after shelf in the back room of his father's shop with his little friends. His ability to make beautiful small delicate things attracted many young noble girls, who were entertained by the show in his father's shop window. Many requested to buy his works, but he turned them all away. Saying he would sell his creations. A beautiful young noble girl, the 3rd daughter of a lord, one day entered his shop to find out more about his creations, and was shocked to see a boy from the same school as her and learn that all the pretty mechanical puppets were all made by him, not the old man who used to take make clocks for her father. The two grew close together, she was a part of the musical section of the university, while he was a part of the metal working section. Although they were busy with their lives, they made time to talk to one another. When they were together, she would play tunes for him on her Viola and he would show her his latest creation. Her music inspired him, it was soft but firm to the ears. It held a soothing and gave a sense of peace he had not felt since his time with his father. Soon, they became in love, and after 2 years, he wished to wed. Her father was skeptical at first, but the young man was able to finally, after some time, convince him to let him marry his daughter. So he set to work, creating a set of wedding rings. A normal man would have gone out and bought rings of gold or silver ring, but he wished it to be special and had completed his masters in the mechanical arts the week before. Through tireless nights and long days, he created many dazzling and beautiful rings, but he wanted the perfect rings. One day while he was working, after so long, he had not been able to create the perfect ring and was discouraged. But then, his mind drifted to the songs of his beloved and her tunes of grace and peace. And from there, he drew inspiration, hitting him like a crack of thunder in a storm of ideas. Days later, he had completed it. A pair of rings, they could be adjusted to the person's finger size, change the outer material from gold, to silver, to shiny steel. Each one contained a stone of pale blue pallor. When he had made the rings, he had cut a single gemstone in half and had them both enchanted. As long as one wore the ring, the gems in them would be drawn to each other, and the ones who bore them to feel the heartbeat of the of the bearer of the other. And for the last trick of his rings, he reserved for the night he proposed. It was a quiet night, he had asked her to the shop of his father where they had first met, and waited there. With a box behind his back and a smile on his face, she arrived. She stood there asking why he had called him when he took the box from behind his back and opened it. From it, he took the one ring and slipped it on her finger, wordlessly. From inside, he put on his own. Then he took her hand in his, tears welling up, and held hands touching the rings together. From them, a sound came, but it was not the grinding of gears or the click of mechanisms. From it, came a song, one that was familiar to the girl, but she did not know where from. After several minutes of trying to remember, he helped her and said: “It’s the first song you performed for me, I know you did not name it, so I thought I would suggest a name.”. He then gestured to look closer. Engraved on both rings that played the song in harmony was the name he had chosen. [Will you Marry Me?] Tears now falling down her face openly, she cried “YES YES!” and embraced the man who she had waited for. Soon, it was the big day. Relatives were invited, preparations were made, and the bride and groom had not seen each other yet. But secretly, they had not taken off the rings ever since that night and felt the beat of each other's hearts. The groom was ready and was about to go out when he was suddenly ambushed. A thief had snuck into the wedding, dagger drawn and demanded both the rings from the man. He refused saying “Nay dear sir, please do not rob me, but please join the festivities. I have no strife or quarrel with anyone today, for this is a day of happiness”. The thief wavered but remembering his purpose and the consequences if he didn’t, and on impulse, thrust the dagger deep into the man's chest and snatched the ring from his fingers. Then he realized, This man he had tried to steal from, but he had offered to let him stay and attend his happiest day despite this. While the noblewoman who had hired him to steal the work of art from the “greedy miser peasant” had offered so much and threatened to kill him if he didn’t. But once he had realized what he had done, he kneeled over, crying for forgiveness. He hadn’t wanted to kill him! Just cut him a little and threaten him! He was just a thief, not a murderer! Why did it have to be this way! In all the thief's life, he had never lost his crave for gold, but now, he no longer wanted the money. Immediately after, he took the bag of coins from his pocket that had been his payment and emptied it into the fire, and then he went and atoned for his sins. Soon, it came time for the ceremony, but when the bride came, there was no groom. They were confused as to why a man who made clocks for a living would be late, but it was her that acted first. She paled almost as white as her dress and ran madly down through the halls of the church to the groom's dressing room. When she came into the room though, she broke down weeping. There her husband lay, soaked red, holding the ring in his hands. And beside him, lay a thief dressed all in black. In his hands, a dagger stuck into his own heart. She cried and took her never-would-be husband's head in her hands, giving him the first and last kiss he and she would ever share, on his still warm lips. Slowly, she places his head down beside her, took the dagger in her own hand and ended it alongside him. When the family caught up with the trio right outside the door, they heard the faint sound of music being played. It confounded them, for there were no minstrels nearby. When they entered, they found a thief with an empty coin bag in his hand, and the bride and groom, holding hands together, the rings touching and still singing their song.
very nice but there is a single mistake in the story. I've bold and underlined what I believe should be added below. though it is up to you as the author to change the sentence structure how you wish.
It was good, but the thing that stumped me was that music would be played when the rings touched together. I was unable to visualize it, so that ruined the story a bit for me
Yeah, to me, that seems like a perfectly fine sentence. I could make it more extravagant, but really should I?
This is nice, i like it... But i think you might want to rework this sentence since i find it hard to read it : Spoiler A beautiful young noble girl, the 3rd daughter of a lord, one day entered his shop to find out more about his creations, and was shocked to see a boy from the same school as her and learn that all the pretty mechanical puppets were all made by him, not the old man who used to take make clocks for her father. also, a bit typo : Spoiler Many requested to buy his works, but he turned them all away. Saying he would sell his creations. would > wouldn't? how did the thief manage to play the musoc anyway? I'm confused...
As long as you resolve the problem with people wanting to buy the clockworks and the maker being unwilling to sell it is fine. It depends on how you like to arrange sentence structures as different authors write the same thing in an uncountable number of ways
It's good, but it feels... too happy? There's the tragedy at the end, but not enough inbetween to make it feel impactful. The relationship of the characters doesn't go through any ups or downs. It's hard to care about the relationship and the characters if you don't give them the necessary development and conflicts they need. As an example for a conflict that builds the relationship while building up the ending of the story, you could have that evil noble lady go to the shop, get denied, and punish the character's business for it. The shop is forced to close and it's incredibly difficult for the guy. That shop wasn't just a business, it was his home. But it wasn't just his home, it was also that girl's home--she had moved in a few months ago and even helped out around the shop. She sees that the guy is a wreck, who wouldn't be after losing something so important? He buries himself in his work. What does the girl do? What kind of sacrifices or decisions does she make to sustain their livelihood? The guy is also depressed and needs something to bring him back. Maybe when he's brought back, he makes the decision to start selling his works. His personal ideals aren't as important anymore after seeing how much the girl was willing to sacrifice for him. And from his depression he also gained something. Since he was buried in work, his skills made great advancements! That would kinda explain how he can make something as amazing as the wedding rings.