Discussion Turns out the answer is always there..

Discussion in 'General Chat' started by Martialegg, Apr 28, 2020.

?

Did you read my loooooong thread?

  1. Yep

    17 vote(s)
    56.7%
  2. Nope

    10 vote(s)
    33.3%
  3. Skimmed it, but I got the point.

    3 vote(s)
    10.0%
  1. Martialegg

    Martialegg Well-Known Member

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    This thread is just a vent of my current feeling. It'll be a bit confusing and long though~

    You see, My workplace is something that requires me to be indifferent. Cold and decisive is vital for the job.
    As for what job is that, let's just say it's a financial manager. At least, that's the job description says to me.

    I've been working for 5 years now. It feels like 10 years if you ask me.
    Even my hair is balding, ugh. I dunno if this career is actually worth it.
    Overtime, my morality is corrupted without me knowing. And I don't even feel regret or remorse.
    I feel like I'm becoming more and more like a sociopath. Especially when I climb to a higher rank.

    Now, I'm a middle manager overseeing a branch and a leader of 3 project teams. I earn enough trust to handle a big project alone without supervisor from the higher ups.
    The reason? Because I'm obedient to the letter. My track record is clean without conflict from the supervisors. No matter how unreasonable and distasteful it looked like.
    ..You'd think I don't feel anything? It feels like my heart is black like an asphalt.
    The worse part? I don't feel any regret or remorse. It feels natural to have my heart like that.
    Because without it, I think my heart would broke long ago.

    You can argue that I've become stronger than average people. Well, you're right.
    But there's also a price to pay as well.
    Before, I was only cold in the workplace. Business and private need to be separated right?
    Yet, at some point, without me realizing it, It affected my personality as well.
    I turned cold to my friends, my family, and finally, myself.
    It became a habit. Something that I did unconsciously.

    At that point, I've become a bit scared of the changes. Some of my friends said that I'm exaggerating it.
    Without me realizing it, my former circle of friends stayed away from me for some reason.
    And I'm more enjoying to a new circle of friends, where the higher ups or elites gathered.
    A circle of hypocrites where people gathered not because of friendship, but for benefits.
    The type of friend that will bring you a lot of money and connections, but induced a lot of stress to keep up appearance.

    The point that shocked me the most is that I enjoyed it.
    Since when did I've become the type of person that I looked down the most? I don't know.
    At this point, I just treat is as the way of the world. It's the price we had to pay to climb up.

    Yet, there is a warning in my heart that if this keeps up, I will regret it in the future.
    So, I read a lot of philosophical books, albeit I don't really understand a majority of it.
    I'm far from smart, you see. My friends told me that I'm dumb, but my redeeming part is that I'm reflecting a lot. I learn and adapt fast from mistakes. It's like instinct to me.

    Now, I just realized something crucial. Something reaaaally obvious but I just didn't realized it until recently. A solid proof that I'm a dumb guy.
    My fellow Nuffians also helped me to realized this as well.

    How do you prevent yourselves from corruption? It's actually a pretty obvious answer.
    You can't.
    It was a wrong question from the start.
    I should've ask a better question.
    Why didn't I want to be free from corruption? Is probably the better question.
    Why didn't I want to be a good person? Is probably a better question.
    Why didn't I try to be a good person? Is even better.
    Why didn't I do a good karma today? Is probably the point.
    In the past, I was always wondering why people donate without publicity. I thought it's a waste of opportunity and money.
    Or why people always says to help other people. I thought it was a way for hypocrites to gain reputation.

    Turns out, it's actually a way to balance our corrupted heart. It's so simple, yet so hard to understand.
    Empathy is not something that will naturally there. It turns out something that we must build ourselves.

    That's it for today~ Thx for reading~ (y)
     
    yuzen, OrdinaryUser, Havisu and 11 others like this.
  2. yuzuki

    yuzuki [· new horizons ·] [ 信心 ] [akki's shrine maiden]

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    I think just as much as it is important to take care of our health physically, taking care of our emotional health is also important.

    Spending time, energy, or money on those types of things is not really a waste.
     
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  3. LAOG

    LAOG Well-Known Member

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    You can't be a good person and be a corporate dog. More money, new you. The faster you accept it, the tolerable it gets.
     
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  4. kfahad

    kfahad 『The Lurker Beast』『Beast fallen』

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    I actually read it all? Man, I really need to change too.
    What am I doing wasting my time reading the rant of stranger.
     
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  5. otaku31

    otaku31 Well-Known Member

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    Man, all the reflecting you're doing is blinding my eyes! :blob_coughblood:
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2020
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  6. yuzuki

    yuzuki [· new horizons ·] [ 信心 ] [akki's shrine maiden]

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    This is actually one of my favorite parts about NUF. People dump a lot of their thoughts and feelings here, and it's very interesting to read.

    I like how raw many of the rant threads are. It's unfiltered, and I appreciate that aspect a lot.
     
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  7. Devil of Boredom

    Devil of Boredom [?????][?????] Deposit $100 to view titles

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    You still have hope to turn back if you want to..
    Turning into a sociopath isn't necessarily a bad thing but that's again a view on your perspective..
     
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  8. pass1478

    pass1478 A girl in a bear suit pajama

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    I teach kids, I love my job, I personally think that those kids that I teach nurture me more than I nurture them. They make me feel needed, though I'm aware that I need them more than they need me. I'm replacable, the same can't be said the other way around.
    My job's pretty much the thing that's holding me up the past year, whether it be financially, mentally, physically or emotionally. They inspire me to give them a great example, I don't want to disappoint them. With my current state of having cut off all connections with my family and friends, slowly degrading into a pile of shit, my job and the kids I teach are a Godsend. People in my line of work would probably think I'm giving it too much importance, but honestly, it's all I have. If I didn't have said job, I'd probably be hanging on a rope by now haha.
    It's a forum for readers, and not to toot my own horn here, but people who read a lot tend to be deep thinkers, at least that's what I think.
     
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  9. yuzuki

    yuzuki [· new horizons ·] [ 信心 ] [akki's shrine maiden]

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    Wow I didn't know you were a teacher. What age range do you teach?
     
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  10. pass1478

    pass1478 A girl in a bear suit pajama

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    Before the quarantine, around 5-7, basically kindergarteners. Now, I'm just giving private online math classes to highschoolers.
     
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  11. Ekfreet

    Ekfreet Well-Known Member

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    The only 'purity' or 'innocence' that exists in this world is ignorance. Cold and toxic ignorance.

    Sometimes we are happier that way.

    But it doesn't mean that fearing 'corruption' is good either. Only that way you will grow as a person.
     
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  12. Ekfreet

    Ekfreet Well-Known Member

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    Why are you even in quarantine? Your immune system must be a fortress after dealing with those kiddos. /s
     
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  13. Zheya

    Zheya Well-Known Member

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    I empathize with villains who have relatable motives. Same with heroes too.
    Anyone can be the bad person if the criteria fits on that particular occasion. Anyone can be the victim in the next following hours.
    Empathy isn't something we build. It's a curse. It's a reminder. It's a rebounded projection of our current environment. Empathy is a twisted mirror reflecting our past or present experiences onto someone else.
     
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  14. pass1478

    pass1478 A girl in a bear suit pajama

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    Empathy is a twisted mirror depending on how you use it or when you use it, but empathy is not a bad thing or curse in of itself. Its purpose was for us to understand each other in an emotional level. It's basically like a troubleshoot system for each others' feelings.

    Not to mention it was initially evolved to better nurture and provide for offsprings.
     
  15. deepon

    deepon Daydreamer of Nightmares

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    As a man of science (self-proclaimed), I like to look at science analogy for answers. Here are a few analogies I will present with respect to your case :

    1) It is in the nature of all things to decay and be corrupted. The purer they are the faster it happens. Look at metals, they oxidize really quickly, they purer, the faster. You could even say, all materials desire corruption, it is fate. People are no different. What sets us humans apart is the desire to resist fate. In nature those who adapt are considered strong. But for humans, it's the reverse. Those who go against the natural order, are the ones truly strong. So keep struggling. Fight against the norm. If you give in to your job requirements and turn cold to protect your fragile heart, that's the same as giving up. Your heart will never grow stronger. We gain stronger muscles by breaking them. That's how we humans grow strong. The heart is no different (Cardiovascular muscles aside). True strength is in overcoming obstacles, not adapting to it.

    2) Learn to split your life. Separate Work life from private life. You need to literally create a mask that you wear when in work mode, a mask that you remove the instant you leave your work place. Once the mask is off, don't even think of work related stuff at all. This is similar to the protective zinc coatings on iron bike parts. You see, the whole purpose of that coating is to get corrupted in place of the iron. Similarly, the mask will be the one that is cold, brutal and corrupted, protecting the other you. This method won't make your heart stronger, but it will allow you to keep the cold at bay. Only downside, those who interact with you on both private and professional basis will call you two faced.
     
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  16. Fulminata

    Fulminata Typo-ist | Slave of Evil Inc. | Cactus Farmer

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    ahh, i relate so much with this :aww:. too little, and you'll into a robot. too much, and you'll have a hard time to make a cool-headed decision!

    A study suggest that certain sociopathic behavior is beneficial in workspace :aww:. But again, it was said that those traits also act as a double-edged sword. i'll lowkey leave this and this if you're interested to read more about it.


    but again, what could be defined as "corruption" in this context? morals are but a construct of society, and i think that this "corruption" is not actually real...in the stricest sense. But don't worry on slipping down the slopes of hell, comrades! for i'll definitely meet you there someday (if it exists)! :blobhero:
     
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  17. Zheya

    Zheya Well-Known Member

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    I find the amazing fertility in humans...... unnecessarily annoying.
     
  18. Jden

    Jden Well-known Dorse

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    Aww man that sucks. I don't know what I'd do in your situation, i mean at least you're aware of it. Some may never realise. Change takes time, if you wanna change, then you'll have to work hard at it. If not, ig there's nothing much to do except enjoy the elite lifestyle. Idk.
     
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  19. Havisu

    Havisu Night Lurker

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    For all i know, people who could reflect on their actions without bias or trying to justify themselves first are always should be given chances. Why? Because even if they fail you one time, they'll reflect on themselves and try not to fail the second chance they got.

    While being indifferent is in the line of your job, people (at least, me) might actually be thinking that you're worthy of such job because unlike people who totally stone-hearted, you have can still be a good guy while being cold and do your work diligently and honestly. It can't be helped, that's the nature of your job.

    For one, you have to work to go to the next phase of your life, which is marriage phase, for two, this is your work's professionalism, or maybe even job scope, to be cold.

    Think of being a judge, no matter how pitiful the background history of the offender, no matter how many proofs are in the hand that said the offender is guilty of crime, the judge still have to be indifferent to both side and judge without being bias. After all, no matter what, everyone have their own reasons of doing something, everyone have their own background history, blind righteous is not something he (thet judge) he can afford to have.

    In my honest opinion, you should have something fluffy, something that will thaw your heart when you're back at home. That way when you're at work, you're cold and indifferent, but when you back home, you're having fun with fluffy, mogu-mogu kind of relationship with something. It okay to be childish when you're outside your work schedule. Its okay to indulge yourself in fluffiness after having to show business smile all day long.

    It'll surely be hard for you to just straight away to have 2 different personas, but having 2 personas doesn't means you have to show both of them to public, to your friends and family. The fluffiness and mogu-mogu feelings i'm talking about can be just between you and your teddy bears, or anything alike.

    You have to fix yourself so that you won't be further corrupted by your work profession. If you think you're being too cold, then first thing you have to do is try not to be so cold to yourself.

    I wish you the best.
     
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  20. Martialegg

    Martialegg Well-Known Member

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    I've heard that having children is actually the main reason for that.
    Their child helps a lot in thawing the heart and returning to balance.

    Hmmm I can't have a cat or dog though since my apartment doesn't allow it. Fluffy novels or animes are usually the go to for me.
     
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