Update I sorted out ideas And plans on how this story should go. Novel name: Worlds enemy Tags: action. adventure. sci-fi. (rest to be added) Synopsis: no spoilers. too bad ill create a new thread next week with new chapters ._.... No, the novels name isn't Untitled novel, I just dont know what to name it yet. Synopsis: Life is never fair, and neither is death. It is always full of twists and turns. (it means Ill think of the accurate synopsis later) I mean.. Just judge the first chapter, what you think about the tone and that. Thank you If you have questions about direction of plot or comments about how shit my writing is, please write and ill reply
Spoiler: Chapter 1 - Insanity You know when they used to say that the moment before you die in an unnatural way, that last second would be filled with memories from your life, and that the death would -if bad enough- be instant. You wouldn’t even feel a thing. The good old days of people not knowing shit yet claiming it to be true, despite those days being even worse now thanks to the internet. Well, yeah.. Those stories are naturally a load of crap. That one last second is filled with unimaginable fear, as in ‘why!?’. And in regards to not feeling a thing.. Yeah, despite the death being near instantaneous, you still have that fast yet clear experience of pain so horrible you faint before you actually die. It is quite infuriating to learn that through experience. Get it yet? I died and it wasn’t pretty. I don’t know why I’m still conscious of myself though, I don’t even know where I am. But I am sure I’m dead because this place is dark, devoid of anything and most importantly, I can see myself from an outsiders perspective, which is slightly unnerving. I don’t even know how long has it been since I became aware that I’m here. Time just keeps on going without the concept of it. It seems to flow as fast as I think of it, or crawl nearly to a stop. This place is messing with my mind. … Moments passed that felt like days. … And then it felt like months. … At some point it started to feel like years. … It is driving me insane. Being stuck in my own head, alone. Being unable to move, unable to scream from frustration, unable to trash around from anger, unable to cry from fear. Being unable to sleep! Only the buzzing of my thoughts echoed through my mind. The longer the time passes, the more I doubt of myself. The more I question of what I know. Am I truly dead? What is this place? Where is this place? How long will I have to be here? Does everyone experience the same thing after death –if I am even dead-? So many questions keep going through my mind, making me more and more insecure, making me… unstable. -Or so it felt like it at least. … Eventually I started talking to myself as if I am two different people. Desperate enough for a conversation, I kept trying to think of personalities interesting enough to talk to for a longer period of time. That self created companionship helped me stay calm for a while, but the longer I continued with it, the more I lost sense of myself. It only took a moment before I became unsure of my own identity. I had to ask myself basic questions of who I am - What is my name? How old am I? Where am I from? What happened to me? - to receive no answer. No one would answer me, no one could. Not even myself at some point. At some point, I became a person that does not exist, a person without myself. At that point all the screaming, all the trashing, all the crying I wanted to do became pointless, I had no reason to do such a thing since I had no one to do it for. So I just stopped, I just waited. The dark around me always silent, always unresponsive. At this point, I might have as well truly become... dead. Spoiler: Revised chapter 1 You know when they used to say that the moment before you die in an unnatural way, that last second would be filled with memories from your life, and that the death would -if bad enough- be instant. You wouldn’t even feel a thing. The good old days of people not knowing shit yet claiming it to be true, despite those days being even worse now thanks to the internet. Well, yeah.. Those stories are naturally a load of crap. That one last second is filled with unimaginable fear, as in ‘why!?’. And in regards to not feeling a thing.. Yeah, despite the death being near instantaneous, you still have that fast yet clear experience of pain so horrible you faint before you actually die. It is quite infuriating to learn that through experience. Get it yet? I died, and it wasn’t pretty. When I awoke, I was shrouded in darkness. All I could see was the dark, and all I could hear was my own thoughts of confusion. I tried to move, tried to ask if anyone can hear me, but to no avail. All I could was voice out my questions within my own mind. Where am I? What happened? What is this place? What’s going on? My first wishful thinking was that maybe I’m in some state of being unconscious, with my body on the brink of death. I hoped that there is still a chance of being saved, so much so that I prayed to gods I always thought to be nothing a scam. But as I continued to hope, the longer the time passed, and the more I became afraid. Eventually I became aware that it may be worse, but I still thought of wild ideas hoping that I may be alive in some way. The next strand of hope was that I was in a coma of sorts, that my body was heavily damaged but that I could still recover. So I resigned to waiting in hopes of my wishful thinking being true. That one day I will wake up. But as I waited, I lost track of time. At some point the time became confusing in itself. At certain points it was so fast that one second felt like months, an on other one hour was not even a second. I became lost in my wait for time that eluded me. … So moments passed that felt like days. … And then it felt like months. … At some point it started to feel like years. … Eventually I lost my hope in being alive again. The more I thought, the more I became certain that I was dead. But was being dead always dark and depressing as this? Wasn’t there supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Wasn’t there supposed to be a conclusion of sorts? Wasn’t I supposed to just stop existing? Why was I still alive despite being dead?! It is driving me insane. Being stuck in my own head, alone. Being unable to move, unable to scream from frustration, unable to trash around from anger, unable to cry from fear. Being unable to sleep! Only the buzzing of my thoughts echoed through my mind. The longer the time passes, the more I doubt of myself. The more I question of what I know. Am I truly dead? What is this place? Where is this place? How long will I have to be here? Does everyone experience the same thing after death –if I am even dead-? So many questions keep going through my mind, making me more and more insecure, making me… unstable. -Or so it felt like it at least. … At some point I started asking myself questions, uncertain of my own existence. Who am I? What am I? What happened to me? I asked questions expecting no answer. “You are an idiot, what else?” Eh? What.. A voice from somewhere sounded of. It shocked me to hear a voice not belonging to my own after what feels like years. But before I could question myself if what I heard was real- “I thought you were smarted than this, I guess you have become an idiot” - the voice sounded of again, being more insulting than the last time. “Who are you calling insulting? I am just stating the facts!” EH?! The voice could hear my own thoughts, making my head spin in confusion. It took me a short while before I thought of a possibility that could explain it, but before I could question myself if it could be true- “Bingo. Should I clap now since you figured it out? Damn did it take you too long.” - the voice rang off. Confirming my suspicion. This voice was.. me. “To be precise, I am a different personality from you. And I am not so insane as you have become.” Ignoring the insane comment, I tried to quickly collect my own thoughts. If this voice is truly a unique personality independent of me, how did it come to be, and what does it want. “You created me you retard.” –Ho.. – “And before you ask how or why, how the fuck would I know? Maybe going insane gets you to this point. Are you sure you want to even know?” Oh. I didn’t want to admit to myself, but maybe asking too many questions now won’t do me any good. What if questions I want to ask drive me further into feeling as if I’ve gone insane? “You ain’t wrong there. Asking question with scary answers isn’t fun one bit.” … True. I couldn’t disagree at this point, the voice made reason. So I just resigned to it. After being alone for who knows how long, I finally had an opportunity to talk with someone. “Ugh, fine. We can talk, but no emotional crap please.” That self created companionship helped me stay calm for a while, we talked about just about everything that I experienced in my life. Though, the voice liked insulting the people I once knew. But the longer I continued with it, the more I lost sense of myself, and the more the voice started to fade. It only took a moment –or so it felt like- before I became alone again, unsure of my own identity. I had to ask myself basic questions of who I am - What is my name? How old am I? Where am I from? What happened to me? - to receive no answer. No one would answer me, no one could. Not even myself at some point. Eventually, I became a person that does not exist, a person without myself. At that point all the screaming, all the trashing, all the crying I wanted to do became pointless, I had no reason to do such a thing since I had no one to do it for. So I just stopped, I just waited. The dark around me always silent, always unresponsive. At this point, I might have as well truly become dead.
Good premise, but rough to read. Try having someone read it out loud to you. Any time they stumble, you need to re-write that part to make it flow.
I think you got cut off in the spoiler. I like the idea so far. But ... that's probably because I had a similar one. What if instead of your life flashing before your eyes when you die, you imagine all possible lives you could have had, ones as rocks, ones where the universe never existed, ones where you were gender-swapped, and in the end you come back around to the life you actually had and come to terms with your impending death.
is it the bad sentence structure or? or ill try to improve the fluidity though for the rest to read easier hm? can you please explain? in the chapter, it is just mentioned of what people used to say in movies, shows or stories about what would happen if you are about to die in a car crash for example. i immediately dismissed it as bullshit though. i went the more realistic way
I've never considered it bullshit. Besides, asking why in that situation is a reflective question. Your mind could easily answer it with an array of fears, regrets and worries. Oh, yeah, that kid I called a fat-ass in third grade. Maybe I was being a prick when I slept with my girlfriend/boyfriends best friend in college. Why didn't I call in sick like I wanted to this morning. Humans are like that, we try to makes sense of things, even if it just doesn't.
A cliffhanger because it ends in the middle of a word. (Not fully copied, maybe?) What I meant by rough to read was sentences like this: “Time just keep on going without the concept of it.”
ah i just noticed. weird. ill fix it after work for the quote. error on keep. should be keeps on going. by without the concept of it is described lightly right after that sentence
What I meant was not just the grammar error. The entire sentence forced me out of the story as I tried to figure out what it meant. Does not matter if I eventually figure it out. The problem with the ‘flow’, or the reader’s ability to remain immersed in the story, is still there.
honestly, I think of the sentence as simple as it could be. and its not like Im the only one doing this type of writing. many novels have confusing information that makes you think before they give you explanation in the next sentence. the point was to be confusing. the whole situation IS confusing. how do you feel when few minutes feel like hours, or when months felt like just a couple of weeks. that is the lack of concept of time
I didn't love the concept at first, but now I want more. like badly. His ending monologue about losing himself was cool to think about. Also creating another personality to talk about was awesome too. Those two things are so awesome, I wish you had spent more time on them. I can understand why the part about losing himself is short, but I feel like you're missing out on content with personality part. That being said I'll be excited to see more. Overall though, I agree that some sentences feel off when reading them. If you really want I'll point them out if you ask.
~THE END~ I think we need cliff here. When I say cliff, it means so that other people can jump off from top of the cliff. Well, joke aside, I like the concept. It reminded me of some cultivation where the mc trying to gain enlightenment(?) In some place where he could lost the sense of himself If he fail.
I cut it short because I didnt honestly want to deal with multiple personalities in complete. I might rewrite it though and add more details, but i feel trying to do so might bring few more issues, and since the end result is the same of losing the thought of self, idk. its a bit harder to think about it but ill try. sure. SUMMON THE CLIFF!! NEVER! this part is more about laying the foundation for what comes next. kind of like the process of reincarnation in which you have to become empty to start again.. but this one is more insane and not so friendly
to be honest, now that I reread it a few times, it flows well. it's just that you have a different writing style than I'm used to, but that doesn't mean it doesn't flow well. That being said this helped me learn about my own perspective of writing lol. I have two lines which I think need actual changing. "The longer the time passes, the more I doubt of myself." I'm pretty sure the "the" should be "that" instead. the ending took a few glances to understand what you're saying, but it fine. Also "At this point, I might have as well truly become" doesn't roll off the tongue. I think the word "Have" should be removed.
Is there a way to follow this page or something. I want to be able to follow this story and i'm brand new to this site so i'd love some help xD
there should be watch thread button at the top of the thread. thanks for input. ill check if i can tinker with those lines
I tinkered a bit with the chapter and wrote a "revised chapter" if anyone is willing to read, please leave a comment on what do you think. is it any better or did i fuck it up. Spoiler: revised chapter 1 You know when they used to say that the moment before you die in an unnatural way, that last second would be filled with memories from your life, and that the death would -if bad enough- be instant. You wouldn’t even feel a thing. The good old days of people not knowing shit yet claiming it to be true, despite those days being even worse now thanks to the internet. Well, yeah.. Those stories are naturally a load of crap. That one last second is filled with unimaginable fear, as in ‘why!?’. And in regards to not feeling a thing.. Yeah, despite the death being near instantaneous, you still have that fast yet clear experience of pain so horrible you faint before you actually die. It is quite infuriating to learn that through experience. Get it yet? I died, and it wasn’t pretty. When I awoke, I was shrouded in darkness. All I could see was the dark, and all I could hear was my own thoughts of confusion. I tried to move, tried to ask if anyone can hear me, but to no avail. All I could was voice out my questions within my own mind. Where am I? What happened? What is this place? What’s going on? My first wishful thinking was that maybe I’m in some state of being unconscious, with my body on the brink of death. I hoped that there is still a chance of being saved, so much so that I prayed to gods I always thought to be nothing a scam. But as I continued to hope, the longer the time passed, and the more I became afraid. Eventually I became aware that it may be worse, but I still thought of wild ideas hoping that I may be alive in some way. The next strand of hope was that I was in a coma of sorts, that my body was heavily damaged but that I could still recover. So I resigned to waiting in hopes of my wishful thinking being true. That one day I will wake up. But as I waited, I lost track of time. At some point the time became confusing in itself. At certain points it was so fast that one second felt like months, an on other one hour was not even a second. I became lost in my wait for time that eluded me. … So moments passed that felt like days. … And then it felt like months. … At some point it started to feel like years. … Eventually I lost my hope in being alive again. The more I thought, the more I became certain that I was dead. But was being dead always dark and depressing as this? Wasn’t there supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Wasn’t there supposed to be a conclusion of sorts? Wasn’t I supposed to just stop existing? Why was I still alive despite being dead?! It is driving me insane. Being stuck in my own head, alone. Being unable to move, unable to scream from frustration, unable to trash around from anger, unable to cry from fear. Being unable to sleep! Only the buzzing of my thoughts echoed through my mind. The longer the time passes, the more I doubt of myself. The more I question of what I know. Am I truly dead? What is this place? Where is this place? How long will I have to be here? Does everyone experience the same thing after death –if I am even dead-? So many questions keep going through my mind, making me more and more insecure, making me… unstable. -Or so it felt like it at least. … At some point I started asking myself questions, uncertain of my own existence. Who am I? What am I? What happened to me? I asked questions expecting no answer. “You are an idiot, what else?” Eh? What.. A voice from somewhere sounded of. It shocked me to hear a voice not belonging to my own after what feels like years. But before I could question myself if what I heard was real- “I thought you were smarted than this, I guess you have become an idiot” - the voice sounded of again, being more insulting than the last time. “Who are you calling insulting? I am just stating the facts!” EH?! The voice could hear my own thoughts, making my head spin in confusion. It took me a short while before I thought of a possibility that could explain it, but before I could question myself if it could be true- “Bingo. Should I clap now since you figured it out? Damn did it take you too long.” - the voice rang off. Confirming my suspicion. This voice was.. me. “To be precise, I am a different personality from you. And I am not so insane as you have become.” Ignoring the insane comment, I tried to quickly collect my own thoughts. If this voice is truly a unique personality independent of me, how did it come to be, and what does it want. “You created me you retard.” –Ho.. – “And before you ask how or why, how the fuck would I know? Maybe going insane gets you to this point. Are you sure you want to even know?” Oh. I didn’t want to admit to myself, but maybe asking too many questions now won’t do me any good. What if questions I want to ask drive me further into feeling as if I’ve gone insane? “You ain’t wrong there. Asking question with scary answers isn’t fun one bit.” … True. I couldn’t disagree at this point, the voice made reason. So I just resigned to it. After being alone for who knows how long, I finally had an opportunity to talk with someone. “Ugh, fine. We can talk, but no emotional crap please.” That self created companionship helped me stay calm for a while, we talked about just about everything that I experienced in my life. Though, the voice liked insulting the people I once knew. But the longer I continued with it, the more I lost sense of myself, and the more the voice started to fade. It only took a moment –or so it felt like- before I became alone again, unsure of my own identity. I had to ask myself basic questions of who I am - What is my name? How old am I? Where am I from? What happened to me? - to receive no answer. No one would answer me, no one could. Not even myself at some point. Eventually, I became a person that does not exist, a person without myself. At that point all the screaming, all the trashing, all the crying I wanted to do became pointless, I had no reason to do such a thing since I had no one to do it for. So I just stopped, I just waited. The dark around me always silent, always unresponsive. At this point, I might have as well truly become dead.