War of the Gods - A Divine Comedy

Hello, I'm writing a novel called War of the Gods - A Divine Comedy. I've posted the first 21 chapters here. You can read the following chapters at this link: WotG - WN
*I had posted this before and have since changed the title, synopsis, and some of the content.

Synopsis:
Would you like it if today you suddenly went from being normal to becoming a God? Before you answer, the catch is there’s an apocalypse coming and you have to recruit Earth’s greatest ancient Generals and Gods into your army to prevent it. Wait, one more catch, it turns out most of them are dirtbags and trolls. I’m warning you, maybe you should read the story before you answer.

This satire/action/adventure contains brutal battles, beauties, cultivation, mythology, magic, divine weapons, Gods from many regions, world creation, conspiracy theories, sci-fi tech, vampires, werewolves, giant monsters, and many other bastards. Oh and it’s based on real history, myths, and legends.


Genres: comedy, urban fantasy, mythos, action, sci-fi, satire

Table of Contents (required)

• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2
• Chapter 3
  
• Chapter 4
  
• Chapter 5
  
• Chapter 6
• Chapter 7
• Chapter 8
  
• Chapter 9
  
• Chapter 10
  
• Chapter 11
  
• Chapter 12
  
• Chapter 13
  
• Chapter 14
• Chapter 15
  
• Chapter 16
  
• Chapter 17
  
• Chapter 18
  
• Chapter 19
  
• Chapter 20
• Chapter 21

 

1: Swindled to become God

Only with the freedom and courage to laugh at the heavens, will you stand a chance to break through their chains that bind you.
------------

It was a beautiful summer afternoon on the Brighton Beach boardwalk in Brooklyn, NY.

'This damn sun...'

Alex was taking Barney, his bull terrier dog, for his daily walk. He played PUBG and enjoyed the fresh sea air, while Barney waved his head sniffing every which way, the sun gleaming off his pearly white coat.

Suddenly, Alex felt a tug on the leash. He looked over and saw Barney sprinting in his direction, with a fresh hotdog captured between his teeth and a shifty look in his eyes, especially the right eye with that black patch.

Alex knew that look. His eyes traced towards the scene of the crime. A huge thickboi was gaining momentum, warming up the rockets to blast off in Alex's direction.

This was a classic textbook case of it's time to get the hell out of here. Alex and Barney took off racing.

...

Having outrun the meat rocket, Alex had now resumed his brisk walk, leaving the boardwalk to go back to his apartment. He looked over at Barney who seemed to be saying, 'It's not my fault, both guy and hotdog had it coming.'

Alex thought about it and agreed. A hotdog unprotected is a wild hotdog.

*Urrggh*

A groan abruptly came from the side. Alex glanced over and discovered a middle-aged man in extremely rough shape, bleeding badly underneath the boardwalk. Alex's face grew solemn. 'A murder? ...If I go over, will I become a suspect?'

He gazed down to see if Barney had any brilliant ideas.

...Nope, just the usual blank stare. He shook his head. 'Let's take a look first.'

He quickly walked over. "Sir, are you injured? Do you need an ambulance?"

The man lifted his head in an attempt to gaze at Alex. Two things immediately caught Alex's attention: the man's infinitely deep black eyes and the terrible condition he was in.

Laying on the sand, his short black hair and beard were almost burgundy from the blood. His skin had become ghastly pale. His clothes...now torn up red rags. He seemed like he had been hit by a truck.

The man wiped blood from his eyes to get a good look at Alex. Then suddenly, like someone who had found the last straw to grasp on to, he jumped up to his feet. In complete disregard of his injuries, he grabbed Alex by his t-shirt collar with both hands. His eyes became wet with a mixture of blood and tears as he screamed, "Please! You must become God!"

Alex's face was in utter horror. 'Oh my god, no good deed goes unpunished. This bastard must be tripping on acid...'

"Crazy drunk beggar, let go of me!" Alex shouted, struggling to be released. However, after a minute of useless resistance, he gave up. The man's grip was as firm as a vice! Alex couldn't budge the man's finger even a centimeter. He felt like a baby wrestling an adult. 'I need to start going to the gym. This is embarrassing.'

He heard a sound and looked back to see Barney hiding behind him, whimpering. '...What am I paying your dog food salary for if you don't even protect your boss?!?'

"Please, you don't understand. You must save this world!" The man's tears flowed down his filthy cheeks.

'...Jeez, I know this guy is tripping balls right now, but he looks really sad. I feel kind of bad, but I'll feel even worse if I don't get back home soon to finish Tiger King...' Alex thought. "Um, sorry, but I'm kind of busyyy this week so...saving the world, it's just not going to fit into my sched." He shook his head, trying to look remorseful.

The man heaved in large breaths. "Then...then let me be your servant!"

'...Servant? This dude is NOT interview ready.' Alex carefully considered his words. "I'm going to have to gratefully reject on account of you being overqualified."

The man's eyes flashed. It appeared this hobo wasn't taking no for an answer. "I'll be your minion! I'll do your laundry, grocery shopping, your cleaning, dog walking, whatever you want! Free every day!"

Alex' face instantly turned deadly serious. 'Wise elders might tell me not to let a strange, homeless, dying man into my apartment. To them I would say...do you know how long it takes to level up in Warframe? This gentleman has just been hired as a full-time grinder.'

"You've got a deal. It's a good deed to help those in need." Alex's mind was already envisioning filled up XP bars...more skill points than he knew what to do with...stacks and stacks of loot piling up inventory space...'I should hurry up and sign a contract before his drugs wear off.'

The man's face finally looked relieved. As Alex was preparing a motivational speech, out of nowhere, the man morphed into a small globe of light and shot into Alex's eyebrows.

Before Alex could figure out what happened, a voice resonated inside his head. 'First General acquired, Sir. Your access to God's inner world is unlocked.' Alex immediately blacked out.

------------

Author's Note:

Barney: https://bit.ly/32VLQbu

The setting is 2020, without Covid.

Alex's personality is like Deadpool, but he's a bit lazy at the start.

 

2: Your inner world

"But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place?" Genesis 50:19
------------


But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place? - Genesis 50:19



Alex awoke to a throbbing pain in his head.

*Slobber* He cracked his eyes open to see Barney drooling on his face.

"Ugh...what happened?" Alex slowly got up as he recalled what he just saw. "Did that dude just spontaneously combust?" That's when he heard a voice in his mind. 'Hello, Lord.'

He paused for a few seconds. "Nope." Ignorance was bliss. "Alright, let's go home. This is no place to take a nap."

'Hello, Lord.'

"Man it's hot out here."

'Lord?'

"I could really use a water or something."

'LORDDDDDDD!'

...

"Yes?"

'Let me explain, Lord.'

"Explain my ass!"

Alex's mind raced. 'What is this? Did that beggar dose me with LSD? Remote gangstalking tech? Outbreak of schizophrenia?'

Alex looked to his side, "Barney, can you hear him?"

...

'Ok, the bad news is Barney didn't hear anything. The good news is my dog still doesn't speak, so I'm not yet fully insane.'

'Lord, please, it's not what you think. This isn't schizophrenia. I'm real.'

Alex froze, looking around. '...How did you hear my thoughts?'

'You're talking in your head, Lord. I also...live in your head.'

'You're living in my head now? DID YOU PAY RENT?!? Listen, I'm not buying it. You go back and tell those magazine companies that I DID NOT order 1 year of Better Homes and Gardens and I am NOT paying for it! I don't care if they send 1 magical hobo, or 5, Bane, or the entire ROSTER of the New York Mets to spread bad luck to me. The answer IS...NO!'

...

*Inhale* *Exhale*

Alex was taking deep breaths to calm down. 'Finally, he's gone. Those damn debt collectors are stepping their game up.' Alex shook his head. 'This is why I should never help anyone and only endlessly consume the world's resources until we have to colonize Mars...'

Alex took Barney's leash and prepared himself to return to his normal, peaceful life, where homeless people did not morph into pokeballs and his head was a quiet, interruption-free place to thi--

'I am not a debt collector, Sir.'

If at this hour, one was to walk by Surf Avenue and 12th Street, they would be welcome to an interesting sight. A 20 year old man was in the street, connected to a leashed dog, as both of them were on all fours in identical poses.

At this moment, a shirtless elderly man walked out onto his apartment terrace and saw this image. He didn't know who was imitating who, but he instantly assessed it to be some sort of beauty contest between man and beast. He took it upon himself to quickly give the most unbiased judge's decision he could, before walking back in and returning to his life.

After several minutes, Alex found the determination to stand up and walk home. Barney followed, not knowing that he had just gained the honor of becoming the species-wide, 2020 Brighton Beach Beauty Boy.

...

Relaxing on his couch, Alex had a cold sugary drink to calm his nerves. With Barney freeloading at his side, he starting channel surfing the tv.

'Can we talk, Sir?'

"...It seems I'm not getting rid of you without a lobotomy. You're lucky I'm not a fan of Desperate Housewives. State your business."

'It's like this. You've become a God, Lord.'

"...I don't feel very God-like. What kind of God lives in a place like this?"

Alex looked around his small, dark one-bedroom apartment. All the furniture was old and falling apart without exception: the desk with a computer, the sofa, the coffee table blanketed by Homes and Gardens magazines with scribbles in them...

The place was a dump, full of unwashed clothes and Doritos residue. This was the home of a low-income freelance writer.

'Regardless of the state of your living space, the fact of the matter is that you are indeed a God, Sir.'

"Yes? So my godly powers are to be haunted by a dead hobo?"

'I am not dead, Lord. I have merely entered your inner world and must reside here. Have a look for yourself.'

'Does it require my bank account information?'

'Sir, simply close your eyes. Think of the space inside your mind, the one where your thoughts reside.'

Alex closed his eyes...He saw the scene of the Night King attacking the Unsullied at Winterfell.

...

'You...you must try to quiet your mind, Sir'

'Seems I still can't get over that ending...' Alex closed his eyes again.

He was in a dark space that appeared to extend infinitely in all directions.

"Hello, Lord. It is good to see you again." It was the hobo in the flesh...Alex immediately started sprinting in the opposite direction.

Five seconds later, he was teleported to emerge from the side opposite to the one he ran in. He could see the hobo up ahead, whose back was now facing him. He promptly raised his arm and prepared a clothesline.

The hobo side-stepped.

Alex stopped his sprint, turned, and deeply stared at him. "You've passed the test..." He looked around. "Now tell me about this fungeon."

"...This is the inside of your mind, Sir."

Alex saw nothing but darkness. "My teachers always told me there was not much going on in here...Seems they were right. Is this the inner world you were talking about?"

"No Sir, this is..." The hobo lifted his arm to the right. The walls of the room disintegrated like glass shards. The two were abruptly floating in the sky, high above an endless landscape of evergreen.

------------
Author's Note:

I'll occasionally write quotes at the top or additional information at the bottom to add context when a new piece of mythology/history is introduced.

 

3: Chosen ones and Generals

A blanket of majestic trees and mountains extended to the limits of Alex's sight as he soared high above, gazing from God's point of view.

'This is way better than Homes and Gardens. He either dosed me with the best LSD known to man or I'm actually flying right now,' Alex thought. "Genie, what do I call you?"

"You may call me...Scott, Lord."

"Scott, why can't I fly?"

Scott watched as Alex flapped his arms up and down wildly, like a struggling chicken.

"...Sir, I have merely brought you here in your soul form. A chosen one cannot physically enter or affect his inner world. The inner world exists inside of you, making that impossible. Although you are the God of this world, a General must act as your hands here.

"Chosen one?"

"A chosen one is a human who is born with an inner world. Upon reaching puberty, their soul grows strong enough to accept a soul contract with a General, but it is not until they actually form one that they can gain direct access to their world, Sir."

"What's a General?"

"A General acts as an agent of his Lord inside the inner world, and as his sword and shield in the outer world, giving him power. Throughout history, men of great might have emerged in various civilizations, many of them carrying legends to this day. Numerous have elected to follow various chosen ones over the years, Sir."

"Are you saying that warriors from the ancient past still exist?"

"Indeed Sir."

"Goku?"

"...I am not familiar with a Goku, Sir."

"Blonde, screams a lot, loves blowdrying his hair?"

...

"Ok. How have these ancient warriors not died from old age?" Alex asked.

"Once a general signs a soul contract, he exists in soul form. The soul does not age within the God's inner world, Sir."

"Who can become a General? Can I just spam kidnap cannon fodder?"

"The conditions are very strict, Sir. Only a chosen one, or a warrior who has attained a very high level of strength has a resilient enough soul to survive the transformation. Besides those, there are very few exceptions."

"So you don't age. I also see you're quite lively now. Am I to understand that the conversion has healed your injuries? Were you so desperate to sign with me in order to avoid dying of blood loss?"

"...Correct Lord."

"Are chosen ones rare?"

"Yes, Lord. Chosen ones are extremely rare, numbering only in the hundreds across the Earth."

Alex squinted his eyes. 'Damn, that's a lot of bastards stealing my cheat...' He looked around at the sea of forest. "How big is this world anyways"

"Sir, every chosen one's world is different both in size and nature. At birth, the inner world forms and then advances at a default time rate of 100 times faster than that of Earth's time. In other words, since your birth, this world has already developed for over 2000 years. If you like, I can now reduce this speed to match that of Earth."

"...Yes, let's do that." Alex didn't want to miss all his shows. "Continue your presentation."

"Yes, Sir. The world of every chosen one differs depending on their wants and needs. Chosen ones typically sign a General at puberty, gaining access to their inner worlds, and thus from then on can influence them to varying degrees."

"Chosen ones may have various preferences based on their backgrounds or personal desires. For example, some may prefer cultivation, or magic, or high-end science and technology or--"

"Stop right there!" Alex's eyes were shining. He took a huge inhale of air.

"...Did you just say cultivation?"

"Yes, Sir."

"...Did you say magic?"

"...Yes...Sir?"

"Did you say...science and technology?"

".....Yes, Si--"

"GOOD LAWWWD! I'M ABOUT TO BUSTTTTT!!!"

...

Alex took a 5 minute break frozen with his arms out wide, eyes closed and biting his lower lip, just floating there in the wind.

...

"Alright, so come on, where's my stuff. Show me my cities. Am I gonna have some flying swords? Or dragons? Oh, maybe some mechas!"

*Cough* "About that, Sir..."

Alex frowned. "...Where's my Heaven-Splitting Blade?

"The thing is, chosen ones normally receive training from a very young age on meditation, visualizatio--"

"Where's dragon Smaug Scott?"

"These techniques help the chosen ones to develop their inner worlds towards their favored direction, leading to known desirable results that have been carefully refined over millenni--"

"WHERE'S MY GUNDAM SCOTT!?!?!?"

...

"Sir, I'm afraid your world has developed in a rather...unusual direction. Allow me to show you."

 

4: Cardopolis

"Under my watchful eye the laws of nature take their course. Thus is the world set in motion; thus the animate and the inanimate are created." - Bhagavad Gita 9:10

------------

Scott waved his arms again. The environment shifted at a speed impossible to follow with the naked eye. The two of them moved so quickly and yet Alex couldn't feel a thing. When the warp drive settled down, he finally gained a clear picture of their new surroundings.

They were still up in the sky, but they were no longer looking down upon a humongous forest.

Below stood a boundless civilized city stretching to the horizon. Buildings towered into the heavens in various architectural styles. There were classical skyscrapers in the style of Manhattan, domed stadiums and cathedrals, as well as intricate designs Alex had never seen before.

Humans could be found in every corner going about their daily tasks: working, socializing, caring for their families and neighbors, living complex lives.

"This is your world's noble civilization, Sir."

It was a sight a God should have been proud of. There was just one problem.

...

...

...

...

"NOBLE MY ASS! WHY THE HELL IS IT THIS?!?"

Every building, no, every "brick" that existed in this city, was composed...of cards.

...

Yes, that style of cards...as in playing cards...as in basketball cards...as in Pokemon cards...as in--

"Where are my griffins?!? Where are my spaceships?!? Scott!"

Scott wanted to cry but had no tears. It was his first day on the job and he was already being bullied and treated unjustly by his new boss. There would be no one saving him. Alex's HR department's office was located between a rock and eat sh*t.

"It's like this, Sir. If one does not consciously train their mind to mold their inner world from a young age, it naturally develops in the direction of their ideal vision of a world. This effect is most notable during the early stages of a world's development, while the chosen is in his youth. It would seem that this is the perfect world you envisioned at that time..." Scott held his breath.

"So you're saying...that because I collected sports cards...in grade school...that now...MY INNER WORLD IS THIS PAPER TRASH?!? Alex was furious.

"...That would appear to be the case, Sir."

...

A long time later.

Sigh... 'Yesterday, my 'inner world' consisted of web novels and youtube videos of people getting injured. I suppose even this is an improvement.' Alex tried to see the bright side.

He looked around at all of the busy people. This was his world. These were his subjects now. They depended on his care and protection.

'I need to make them work.' Alex believed that a prosperous society develops best through strict management of labor efficiency.

A thought suddenly occurred to him and his eyes narrowed. "Are there chosen ones here?"

"No Sir. A world must possess a minimum energy level in order to meet the conditions for the creation of chosen ones and their inner worlds. The inner worlds of the chosen ones from Earth, including yourself, do not meet this requirement."

Alex was relieved. These were his Sims characters. He wouldn't be satisfied if he couldn't choose their settings.

He looked out onto his land, extended out his arm, and said, "I dub thee...Cardopolis."

*Cough* "Sir..."

"Yes?"

"The citizens have already had a name for this world for thousands of years."

"Oh, what's it called?"

"...Super Fun Happy World."

...

'Of course. Of course it is. They probably pulled it out of my brain when I was 7.' Alex's face had more black lines than a crying goth girl. "Tell them to change it."

"...Yes sir." Scott felt like a middle manager forced to tell all the staff that they were fired.

Just like that, thousands of years of cultural history had disappeared.

"I've been meaning to ask you, where do chosen ones come from?" Alex asked.

"I will explain, Sir. Originally, the first humans were created from the energy of the world itself."

"Was it the chicken or the egg?"

"...I do not know how to answer that, Lord."

"Find the answer for me. Continue." This boss was already setting impossible demands.

"Among the original humans, the first 9 were special. They received the largest blessings in energy, allowing them to construct their inner worlds and become the first chosen ones. The 9 proliferated until the present day, forming the 9 ancient families, and the current chosen ones are their descendants."

"If they've had so many years to mash, how come there are only hundreds of chosen ones?"

"Sir, not every descendant awakens. As the blood grows thinner, the qualifications decrease and the chance of awakening goes down."

"These ancient families sound pretty great. I don't remember having a silver spoon in my mouth. How exactly is it that I'm a chosen one?"

"This...I am not completely clear myself, Sir. Did you...know your parents?"

"...No." Alex was indeed an orphan, he had no information about his parents.

'Is this the classic given up for adoption by a great ancient clan setup?' Alex was visualizing his epic reemergence into the lost clan, followed by face slapping the estranged relatives that came out to cause trouble.

"The issue surely lies there, Lord. In fact, this is quite curious as the ancient clans always take extreme measures to prevent the emergence of rogue chosen ones. Historically, if someone tried to leave a family, they would hunt that chosen down. The abandonment of a child in peculiar circumstances, however, is quite possible."

"Alright. Tell me more about these ancient families."

"Very well, Sir. You may have heard them referred to collectively as...the Illuminati."


------------

Author's Note:

For the card city, picture something like these photos but at scale:

https://bit.ly/3g4FY37

 

5: The Illuminati

"Perhaps the final secret of the Illuminati is that you don't know you're a member until it's too late to get out." - Robert Anton Wilson
------------

Scott stood there in the sky with his eyes closed, his right eye twitching occasionally.

'Are you sure this is the time for this, Sir?'

Alex didn't respond right away. He was busy stuffing his face with a foot-long sub. He was seated inside of a Subway sandwiches restaurant across the street from his apartment.

'Gods need to eat too Scott. Continue with your speech.' Alex conversed through his soul link while enjoying his meal.

Scott felt like an anti-drugs speaker in front of an unappreciative grade school audience.



*Cough* 'Yes, Lord. The Illuminati have been the most powerful families since time immemorial. Over the years, they have collected many resources including powerful items, cultivation techniques, and numerous Generals. Combined with their statuses as chosen ones, their power is unmatched. They are the hidden rulers of Earth's society.'

*Chomp* *Chomp*

'They've passed down these advantages through generations, developing a vast foundation,' Scott continued.

'...Hmm, you sure do know a lot about them. Did they have anything to do with your mangled state at the boardwalk? How'd you get injured again?'

'...Fell down some stairs'

...

'This old fogie's keeping secrets,' Alex thought to himself.

'...No I'm not, Lord.'

'Damn! Isn't there any way to stop you from reading my personal thoughts?'

'Indeed, Sir. Simply password protect them.'

Alex chewed on the concept simultaneously with his sub. 'I guess that makes sense...' As soon as he willed it, it made it so that he would now have to form a consciousness link to Scott in order to open communication. More importantly, Scott could no longer freely hear his thoughts.

'Most of the MCs in the novels I've read never did this. That must mean their magical grandfathers were always listening to their stupid thoughts, even when they were playing with their dinguses in private.' Alex started to develop a feeling of superiority to the MCs who had conquered the universe as he finished his fast food daily discount lunch and walked home.

Alex suddenly realized something. 'Can you see what happens in the real world?'

'I have no access to that unless you summon me through my ability, Sir.'

'Phew, scared daddy. A man needs his privacy...Wait, summon ability...what ability?'

'It is my General's soul ability, Sir. Each General has one unique ability that can be used by his Lord. This ability allows them to assume a soul form in the external world.'

'What kind of ability?'

'There are multiple types of abilities including but not limited to: soul items, magical powers and spells, and summons in physical form.'

Alex began to get excited as he opened the door to his apartment, hearing Barney barking on the other side. "So what's your ability? Can you become a demonic spear, or maybe divine armor, or maybe a meteor shower spell?"

'Shall I show you, Sir? Simply summon me through our soul link.'

Alex did as instructed. A ball of light appeared in front of him before quickly materializing into two objects in his hands. His eyes glowed in anticipation.

Barney also wagged his tail in excitement. He was very interested in these objects, hoping they were new toys or treats.

Alex intensely studied the objects for several seconds. Then he threw them over his head into the corner and went about his life.

'Sir!'

"What?"

'Please take better care of your General's soul item, Sir. They are a physical incarnation of the General. Any damage gets passed directly to the General's soAAAHH--'

"WHAT SOUL ITEM?!? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!? CHANGE IT!"

There in the corner, near an old pizza box, laid Scott's soul item--one of a pair of old wooden slippers. The other...currently being chewed on by Barney.

...

Scott was already making plans to search Cardopolis for a professional therapist. He was very depressed now. 'I cannot choose or change my soul item, Sir...'

"What do you expect me to do with those?"

'Every soul item has power. It can significantly increase the combat ability of the chosen one.'

"Why didn't you say so?" Alex went back over and retrieved the priceless divine shoes. "How do I use these?"

'Simply put them on and you will understand their function, Sir.'

Alex put on the old wooden slippers. As Scott said, he soon understood their usage. A few seconds later, he took them off and picked them up. He looked at them closely in his hands for several seconds...before throwing them over his shoulder into the corner again.

Barney promptly jumped off the couch to fetch.

...

Scott was in a corner of the sky, curled up into a ball, drawing circles in the clouds with his finger.

...

'These slippers can be of use to you Sir.'

"What use are those supposed to have? 50% movement speed buff? What can I do with that? They can't make me money. It's not like I can even go to the Olympics and wear these at the races. What then, do I look like I want to be the best at exercising?"

After some time, the slippers dematerialized into spots of light along with the sound of a heavy sigh.

Barney looked left and right for his divine chew toy. Alex went back to surfing TV.

'No, don't be depressed. There's no time for that. I need to explain to him just how serious our predicament is. Once he knows, I'm sure he will urgently do what needs to be done!'

'Sir, please listen to me! There's something incredibly important I have not told you yet. The apocalypse is coming!'

"Shhhhhh! The Scooby movie is starting."

 

6: An old friend

"All things are full of gods." - Thales of Miletus
------------

After a long nag, Scott finally convinced Alex to turn off the Scooby movie and listen.

"Fine, apocalypse? No big deal. What is it, zombies? We'll go buy some food and water, some bats with nails in them, leather jackets, we'll be fine."

'It's much more serious than that Sir. We must prepare immediately.'

"Look, I don't have time for this. I have to deliver daily chapters or I can't pay rent."

'This building will cease to exist, Sir.'

"...So I have to move now too? What other bad news do you have for me?"

'The entire Earth will be destroyed, Sir.'

...

"Define destroyed."

'The fabric of spacetime will crumble and all existence will return to nothingness.'

...

"I heard Elon Musk is working on a spaceship to Mars. Would that work?"

'I'm afraid not, Sir.'

"Alright. How do you know about this apocalypse anyway?"

'...Text from a friend, Lord'

'This bastard.' Alex snorted.

'Sir, we must urgently raise your strength by acquiring cultivation resources or we will perish.'

Alex didn't mind getting buff. "Do they sell them at GNC?"

'...No Sir, we will have to visit relic sites and procure divine treasures.'

Alex felt a headache coming on. "Just where are these relic sites?"

'All over the world Sir: Asia, Europe, the Mediterra--'

"Is there one in Brooklyn?"

'...No, Sir.'

"Then how do you expect me to get there? I can't even afford an Uber to Manhattan."

Scott rubbed his energy beard for a long time before replying. 'I know how we can make money, Sir. However, we first need to visit someone nearby.'

"Who?"

'An old friend.'

***

Alex gazed upon a crumbling, dirt-colored residential building.

"This place should be condemned. It's even worse than where I live."

He'd just gotten off a long train ride and was guided here by Scott.

'This bastard better not be taking me to sell my kidneys. This place definitely looks it houses an evil doctor or two.' Alex crossed his arms over his sides in worry.

'Sir, please summon my soul form in the shape of my body.'

"Can I do that? If so, why didn't you just come here yourself? I could've been living my best life at home."

'You can, Sir. I could not battle, but to simply appear for a short time is possible. However, I would not be able to stray too far from you.'

"Fine." Alex summoned him through their soul link. Scott soon appeared next to him as Alex looked at him curiously. "You a ghost now?"

"...I don't believe so, Sir."

"Good, let's get this over with."

Scott led him down some stairs to a door. Alex knocked and they waited.

After a minute, the door creaked open. A head slowly peered out in hesitation. It belonged to an unkempt middle-aged man with a dead face. His skin was as pale as a ghost, with menacing long black beard and hair, streaked with gray. He looked like depression personified.

Upon seeing Scott, the man's eyes briefly lost focus and his face became bewildered. Several seconds later, he just sighed under his breath, walked inside his apartment, and sat on an old, dirty sofa. He left the door open so Scott and Alex followed behind, finding random places to stand in the room.

The place was filthy. Barely any light was able to enter from the tiny windows by the door, making it seem more like a cave than a living space.

"Why have you come?" The unknown man asked.

'Scott, who is this old NEET? Is this a friend of yours through the John Wick hobo network?'

'He's indeed a friend, Lord, but he's not a NEET. At least, he's not only a NEET. His name is...Hades!'

...

Alex yawned.

'Also known as...Pluto!'

...

'That's not even a real planet anymore.'

'Hades, of the Olympic pantheon!'

...

Alex picked his ear with his pinky.

'Hades, the lord of the Underworld!'

'Lord of the Underworld my ass! Is this the Underworld?!? A basement studio in Newark?!?'

...

'Hades has fallen on tough times recently, Lord.'

'What tough times?'

'His wife Persophone left him, Sir, for Adonis...1000 years ago.'

'How is that recent?!?'

"Why are you here? If Persephone asked you to come here to beg me to take her back, you can tell her I'm busy...being surrounded by beauties." Snort.

'Busy with his hand! He's still sulking! It's been 1000 years and he's still sulking!' Alex's eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped at this specimen.

Suddenly, Hades' eyes became large as he put on a hopeful expression. "How is she? Is she well? Can I see her? When is she coming?"

'He's hopeless! She's not coming bro!'

"Hades, Persephone didn't send me," Scott replied.

Hades' face promptly returned to apathy. "Why are you here then?"

"...Zeus and Poseidon are dead," Scott answered.

Hades shot up out of his chair. "What?!? Impossible!"

Scott sighed. "Can't you feel it?"

Hades froze. Several moments later, his face became extremely difficult to look at.

"It's as you've probably guessed. The apocalypse is coming," Scott continued.

Hades' face became even whiter than normal. He slumped back down on the sofa, leaning back against the cushion like a man waiting to die. "Why waste your time here? We're all doomed."

"No, we have a chance. Hades..." Scott turned towards Alex. "This is my Lord. He will be our salvation."

Alex crossed his arms, raised his chin, and gazed far off into the distance.

Hades scanned Alex up and down and sneered. "Is that a joke? A chosen one? Wishful thinking, he has NO chance."

"No...he can do it. I've seen the possibility with my own eyes." He looked at Hades meaningfully.

Hades' face grew serious as he locked eyes with Scott. A few moments later, he turned back towards Alex. He leaned forward in his seat, clasping his hands together in front of himself, studying this chosen. "Are you certain?"

"As certain as I can be."

Hades tilted his head down, staring at the ground for a long time before finally asking, "What do you need from me?"

"Become my Lord's General. With you, we might stand a chance."

Hades continued to watch the ground for some time. Finally, he slowly stood up straight. He looked at Alex again. This time, his temperament completely transformed. From gloomy, his aura grew to that of an inescapable black hole, eyes glowing with the dark determination to swallow all existence.

"Allow me to properly introduce myself. You may call me Hades. Please allow me to serve you...my Lord."

 

7: Helm of Darkness

"An intimidating personage sitting on a throne of sulphur, holding the scepter of his realm in his right hand, and with his left strangling a soul." - De deorum imaginibus libellus, chapter 6, "De Plutone"
------------

The next day. *Woof* *Woof*

"Yea, your foods coming." Alex was pouring Barney his dog food while training the new intern.

"Hades, welcome to the team. As long as you meet your quota, you'll enjoy a long career here," Alex said to Hades, who now existed in his inner world.

'...It's an honor, my Lord.'

Meanwhile, Scott was busy giving Hades a tour of Cardopolis. When seeing the majestic city of cards, Hades was also shocked. Then he grew furious, berating Scott for swindling him to follow a crazy bastard that would build something like this. Eventually, he calmed down after Scott explained Alex's background to him.

"Still. What use is this bizarre civilization going to be to the Lord?" Hades asked.

Scott sighed. "Probably none, but who knows. I'm going to keep exploring to find if there is anything valuable here. If not, we'll just have to make do without any resources for now. Meanwhile, you should go introduce the Lord to your ability." Hades nodded.

"Lord," Hades petitioned.

"AHH Damn! Don't you knock?!?" Alex had stubbed his toe on a doorway when the unexpected voice of Hades suddenly spoke to him.

"...I apologize Lord. I'll be sure to...knock from now on."

"What is it?"

"Lord, is this a good time for me to introduce my ability to you?"

Alex was about to say he was busy, remembering Scott's useless sandals, before reconsidering. 'Wait, this guy Hades has a rep, he probably even has a Wikipedia page. I don't have much hope but let's see what he can do.'

Alex walked over and sat down on the couch preparing for disappointment. He swung his right arm around, warming it up for the impending throw. Barney panted, growing excited for the upcoming game of fetch. "Yes, go ahead."

"Please summon my soul item, Lord." Alex did as instructed.

A light ball emerged in front of Alex, quickly materializing in his hands to form a helmet. It was pitch black matte, seemingly absorbing all light around it. Shaped in a simple greek style, it protected the whole head down to the jaw, including both sides of the face. The areas of the eyes, nose, and mouth were uncovered, save for an armor strip hanging down the bridge of the nose.

It was the coolest helmet Alex hadever seen.

"Lord, this is the Helm of Darkness."

Even the name was cool. Alex almost got excited just based off that, but he would not be fooled twice. "What's its ability?"

"It makes the wielder invisible."

Alex stood up and unleashed a savage barrage of fist pumps into the air. He began to launch dance moves around the apartment while shouting out various emotional phrases. Barney ran circles around him, jumping up on his hind legs to join the dance-off. Only after exhaustion hit after many minutes did he finally calm down. He remembered something.

"Scott, don't you feel any shame? Why couldn't you bring out something cool like this? Instead, you make me look like a brokeass hipster. Hades, well done, you just took the lead in the running for a promotion."

Hades sheet-white face bloomed red as his lips slightly curved upwards. The lord of the Underworld was blushing.

Simultaneously, Scott hung his head down in silence. One man's joy became another man's sorrow.

Alex took the Helm and went over to his bathroom mirror. While watching his reflection, he put it on and gawked when he disappeared. He took it off and reemerged. Then he did this about 20 more times to check he wasn't dreaming. While wearing the Helm, he could view his body normally, but from all external perspectives, he was not there.

"I need to properly study this power. I can't slack off." He decided it was time for experiments.

The scientific process involved teasing Barney for a quarter hour. By the end of the experiment, Barney was convinced the apartment was haunted as he went to hide in the corner, laying on his dog bed with a chew toy squeaking in his mouth.

"My hypothesis was correct: Barney is scared of ghosts."

Meanwhile, Scott had been exploring the large world of Cardopolis since yesterday, but had yet to find anything that could be of use to the Lord. This civilization was a very strange one. He had never heard of anything like it. Somehow, these people had managed to use cards as their fundamental building block of everything, as other worlds might use cement or stone.

The planet itself was rich in these card-shaped minerals of various sizes, which could also be cut and transformed. It was a great shock to him when he first dug into an ore vein and discovered such a thing. However, outside of being interesting...

Scott was on his last hope. He had found a reclusive temple in the mountains that was releasing unusual energy. He entered secretly without anyone perceiving his existence. In inner worlds, Generals were extremely powerful, with a multitude of abilities, so this was a casual matter for him.

Passing by several card courtyards with majestic gardens, he stumbled upon...a woman's back. Her long black hair draped over her white silk robe down to the small of her back, where it was tied into a loose ponytail, as if holding it back from blanketing the entire room in its elegance.

Scott felt that strange energy pouring out from the front of this mortal. With growing interest, step by step, he approached her side. Finally, he saw it. His eyes opened wide with shock and he gasped.

'This is...'

 

8: Seal card

James was rollerblading on the boardwalk. It was a beautiful day out, not too crowded, which allowed him to savor the salty breeze without a care in the world. Occasionally glancing at the ground to confirm his clear path, he began to wonder about his life. Looking bac--"AAAHH!"

*PPTHUD*

Something had appeared out of thin air, tripping the man.

Near the head of the rollerblader squirming on the ground, Barney panted, looking on. He occasionally glanced upwards at the man holding his leash, wearing a sinister dark helmet. It was Alex.

They were on their daily walk. Barney had just finished doing his unholy business when this juggernaut wannabe had come rolling into the aftermath--a poop.

'Barney's invisible since he's in a chain of contact with me just like my clothes, but once something leaves contact, it becomes visible again.' As he rubbed his new Helm, Alex took a last look at the pitiful guy, still moaning on the ground. 'You got fragged bruh, get helmed.'

...

Back in the apartment, Alex had removed his helmet, allowing Hades to return back to Cardopolis.

'Sir, I've discovered something!' Scott announced with eager voice.

"If you're going to tell me about their card-shaped bikinis again..."

'No, Sir. This is something that may be of great use to you!'

"Very well, tell me."

'Sir, it's best if you see it for yourself. I am currently holding it. All you have to do is connect through our soul link, and you will be able to transfer it to the outside. This will be a great weapon for us!'

Alex decided to follow his instructions and summoned the item. A light ball appeared above his hand, this time forming...a palm-sized blank white card. It had a smooth glossy surface that felt similar to plastic.

Alex entered horse stance, wound up, and shuriken-threw it into the wall.

*PLOP*

The card was now laying peacefully on the ground.

...

"Is this your great weapon? Shouldn't it at least explode when hitting things. Even Gambit's candy ass could do that much."

'Sir, it's not that kind of weapon. This item is called a Seal card.'

"Seal card? Ok. How does it work?" Alex picked the card back up. It was surprisingly resilient and had taken no damage from hitting the wall.

'Seal cards can Seal and Unseal material objects inside of them.'

"Oh?" Alex's ears perked up. "How do I use it?"

'Sir, you simply go nearby the object you want to Seal. Then you must focus your mind on the object and use the Seal command.'

Alex walked over to an old lamp. He held the card up at head-level. "Seal!"

The lamp rapidly turned into a ball of light and entered the card. Alex's eyes widened. The card now had a small illustration of the lamp on one side. "Ok. How do I get the lamp back?"

'Sir, you simply do the same but with the Unseal command. You can also control the placement by concentrating on it.'

"Unseal!" The lamp appeared in the exact same spot. Alex smiled and stared at the card. It didn't take long for him to start generating many ideas. It was then that the card in his hand turned to ashes. "...Scott...please tell me that wasn't valuable"

'Sir, you could say it was very valuable, and you could also say it was quite inexpensive. I've never seen anything like these cards, but I believe I've found a way to procure many of them in the future.'

"What can we do with them? Can we take out items from Cardopolis?"

'Indeed we can, Sir!'

Alex's eyes shined. "Then go Seal me a nuclear weapon!"

'I'm afraid Cardapolis does not have nuclear weapons, Sir.'

"No nukes? That's alright, then missiles, grenades, automatic rifles..."

'...About that Sir.' Scott cleared his throat about 10 times. 'Cardopolis does not have weapons.'

Alex had a bad hunch, like a bucket of ice was about to be dumped over his head. "What do you mean?"

'Sir, Cardopolis is a society that firmly believes in peace. They do not have any weapons capable of great destruction. Their ideology is...' Scott gulped as his forehead became moist. 'Why fight when we can have fun playing with cards?'

...

A vein bulged in Alex's head. 'These bastards have been living too carefree. Should I smite them? Start a great flood?' He started thinking up various plans of how to express his wrath to these unworthy sinners.

Several minutes later...

Sigh. '...It's not their fault. Those ideas came from me. It seems I was really the most foolish 7 year old on the planet. I just wanted to play happily all day. It appears now that what I should've been doing is looking for the old ultraviolence. This must be what they mean by 'with age comes wisdom.' ...Alright, let's work with what we have.'

"What weapons can we take out then?" Alex asked.

'Sir...they have some fine kitchen knives and farming equipment.'

Alex started to make detailed preparations for the great flood.

 

9: Card cultivation system

God gazed down upon the beauty of and serenity of his perfect utopia and said, "This world is too peaceful. They need to start some wars so I can get my hands on some weapons. Should I assassinate a world leader? Or maybe I could blow up a building." He was not a merciful God.

Scott and Hades stood nearby, sweat covering their faces thinking, 'I must do my job well. I don't want to incur this demon's punishment.'

"Hades, how are you enjoying Cardopolis?" Alex asked.

"It's quite beautiful, Lord," Hades replied.

"Yes, a little too beautiful. It could use a touch of...fire and brimstone"

'...But we live here Lord.' The two Generals discovered their patron was a slum lord.

...

"I've been wondering something. Hades, so you were a God on Earth right?" Alex questioned.

"Yes, Lord."

"Aren't you upset about going from a God to being my General now?"

"No, Lord. It's a great honor. More importantly, whether God or General, there's no difference when you're dead. The apocalypse is coming. Scott has convinced me that the best method of stopping it is to follow you. That's also what I believe."

"Hmm...alright. So, I take it there are many more Gods on Earth? And they've been living for thousands of years?"

"Indeed, Lord." Hades answered.

"Is there a flying spaghetti monster?"

...

"Not to my knowledge, Lord."

"Ok, what do the Gods do all the time?"

Hades thought for several seconds before responding. "Everyone finds hobbies, Lord...For example, Apollo enjoys stalking celebrities."

...

Alex had closed his eyes and was chewing on both lips. It was so bad that he was embarrassed just by knowing a relative.

"Ares is a LARPer."

...

Alex had now scrunched up his face and turned his head as far to the right as it could go. His ears were trying to escape but his body wouldn't listen. Most of him wanted it to stop but part of him needed to hear more. "And you?"

"Me, myself Lord...I troll," Hades said.

...

"You...troll?" Alex was weighing the benefits of dying now vs. continuing living.

"Yes, Lord, on internet forums. I tell people I'm Hades and argue with them. That's how I bring them to the Underworld and make them suffer."

...

'These scoundrels are all just NEETs and trust fund babies...They've been living too long.' Alex was beginning to lose faith in his new employee.

"So Gods don't age, can they die?" Alex inquired.

"Yes Lord...by killing each other." Hades responded

Alex's eyebrows arched. "Why would Gods kill each other?"

"Any reason really. Sometimes just for a laugh. Before modern society's tv and internet, we were awfully bored you see." Hades answered then looked at Scott. "Hey, you remember that time I got Zeus drunk and dared him to kill Asclepius as a joke? And then he actually thunderbolted him! Haha, yea that was funny. Everyone on Mount Ollie laughed their ass off!"

...

'So this guy's a troll and a psycho...well, what could I expect from the 'King of the Underworld?' Alex shook his head.

"...Scott, so why have you asked me to come here?"

"Sir, I've brought you here to meet someone, a mortal."

Alex's eyes slightly widened. "Oh, who is this mortal?"

"The one I received the Seal card from. Allow me to take you, Sir." Scott did his arm wavy thing and the world moved until they were inside of a luxurious estate on a mountain. "Please follow me, Sir."

Alex walked as he busily looked around. Similar to the rest of Cardopolis, the courtyards and structures here were also made of cards, but they held an ethereal quality to them, as if they were here and not here at the same time.

Scott led Hades and him into one of the buildings. There, Alex was taken aback when he saw...a woman. Her long flowing hair, parted in the middle, accentuated her gentle round face. Her skin was ivory and velvety like jade, as if the sun's rays had never dared to touch her. The impression she gave to people was of warmth and welcome, the feeling that regardless of what they had done and whatever difficulties were on their mind, as soon as they saw her, everything else disappeared...and they were home.

"My Lord." The woman sat on her knees and kowtowed when they entered.

Alex's eyes grew as big as saucers when he saw her, then he frowned. 'Why do I feel like I've seen her before?'

"Can she understand me?" Alex asked.

"Yes, Sir. Cardopolis has grown from your influence so the language has also naturally developed to be similar to your own. Allow me to introduce you, this girl is Leena. She is the card cultivator who produced the Seal card you used," Scott introduced.

"Card cultivator?"

"Sir, the inner worlds of chosen ones usually support a specific type of strengthening system, such as cultivation or magic. When I was exploring Cardopolis, I discovered that here, they practice a very unique system, that's card cultivation!" Scott explained.

"In card cultivation, the practitioners imbue cards with their soul power. One variation of this is where they create space pockets inside of the cards, allowing them to store things. That is how Seal cards are made. Their cultivation is built around this process similar to how an alchemist creates potions, or a Taoist may focus on creating charms," Scott continued.

"This is quite a surprise...How many card cultivators are there in Cardopolis?" Alex asked.

"Not many, Sir. Just like other cultivation systems, card cultivating is a hidden mystic art and few have the talent for it. However, if we Generals actively promote such a system and scour the citizens for talents, we can increase that number. That would allow us to raise the number of card cultivators and thus the number of cards produced," Scott answered.

"Yes, good...Let's build a human assembly line." Alex's eyes envisioned turning the entire world into a factory. At this comment, Leena slightly frowned and her eyes grew sad. Alex noted this. He didn't know why, but he started to feel bad. "Leena, is it? Don't worry, I was just joking before." He tried to put on his most sincere smile.

To Leena, it looked like he was crying. When she realized God had seen her unhappy reaction, she grew incredibly flustered and afraid. She quickly kowtowed again. "Please forgive me, Lord. I did not mean anything by it! Although I do not know what it is, I will happily become a human assembly line as you wish!"

Alex frowned. For some reason, when seeing this, he felt a stinging in his chest.

"There's no need to be so formal with me Leena, rise." Leena was dumbfounded, but not as much as Hades and Scott.

'I would've put money on him killing her before seeing this,' the Generals thought. They were seeing a new side to their Lord.

Leena was still flustered, but she hesitantly rose to stand with them, though still not daring to look at anyone directly in the eyes.

"You can call me Alex."

Leena barely managed to sneak a peek at Alex from the corner of her vision. He wasn't particularly handsome. He wasn't particularly tall. His dark hair and eyes did not stand out from anyone else. But he had one thing that others did not, "He was God!"

 

10: Lucid dreaming

"I dreamed I was a butterfly, flying in the sky; then I awoke. Now wonder, am I a man who dreamt of being a butterfly, or am I a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?" - Chuang Tzu, Tao dream master
------------

Once again standing in the sky, Alex and Scott overlooked the grand civilization of cards. The city below was larger than life, a sight that never ceased to amaze.

Hades had left to explore Cardopolis while the two had a discussion.

"How can the cards be so sturdy ?" Alex wondered.

"Sir, the card minerals they extract are themselves very sturdy. On top of that, one ability of the card cultivators is to reinforce the material through their souls. Then there are the card mechanics who actually build and mold these cards to create these structures."

"How come I don't see any vehicles like cars?"

"In every inner world, the fundamental laws of nature are slightly different. Here in Cardopolis, the physical laws allowing such processes as ignition do not function in the same way as on Earth. As such, much of the technology from the outside world, such as mechanical engineering, simply cannot be developed here.

"I see..." Alex began to understand his world. "There's something else...That girl, Leena, is it possible I've seen her before. I mean...before awakening?"

Scott was astounded but replied. "It is indeed possible, Sir. While unawakened, there have been stories of chosen ones stumbling into their inner worlds while dreaming..."

"While dreaming?" Alex 's eyebrows raised.

"Yes, Sir. It wouldn't feel any different than a normal dream, except you would actually be wandering in a real place, your inner world...If you had done so, it's not impossible you may have seen her."

'...It's her' Alex now knew why she seemed familiar. Recently, he had a dream of observing a strange and beautiful girl. It's just that, he never thought she would actually be real.

"Sir, while it was uncontrollable before, now that you have awakened, you can actually enter Cardopolis at will while asleep, you can practice lucid dreaming!"

"Lucid dreaming?"

"Yes. However, you will still be an energy body, unable to interact with anything or anyone. If you travel without a General, then all of the citizens will also be unable to see you, Sir."

"I understand." Alex was deep in thought. Scott hadn't noticed but Alex felt like his heartbeat slightly accelerated, even though his energy body didn't have a heart.

"Sir, regarding the Seal cards..." Scott got back to business.

"You said we can use them to take items out of Cardopolis, right? So what can we take?" Alex was now excited to create a trading empire.

"Sir, I'm afraid there isn't anything I've found, outside of the Seal cards themselves, that would be worth the cost of such an endeavor."

"What cost?"

"Sir, anytime you take something out of Cardpolis, it consumes soul energy from both the God and the inner world. If you do it too much, the world itself may collapse, which would also lead to your death. When most chosen want to extract an item from their inner world, even a small one, they can only do such a thing once every year or two without causing permanent damage."

Alex frowned deeply at this news.

"Nevertheless, Cardopolis is actually quite amazing in this respect."

"How so?"

"The Seal cards have two important advantages. The first is that the cards themselves carry very little energy. The Lord should be able to extract a large number of them before creating any significant strain on the world. Second, the process of Sealing acts as energy compression. This means if the Lord ever chose to extract or deposit anything to Cardopolis, the cost would be significantly reduced."

"Deposit? So I can bring things inside as well?"

"Indeed, Sir."

Alex thought about it but there wasn't anything he wanted to bring inside now. Even if there was, he couldn't even afford to buy it. "How many Seal cards can we get?"

"Sir, Leena has provided us with several dozen. The process of creating Seal cards is time consuming but with our support, it should gradually speed up. I recommend we speed up the time flow between Cardopolis and Earth to 100:1 so we can produce more cards. Would you like for me to do so now, Sir?

Alex thought about it. It would make the world develop much faster and generate more Seal cards, but then he frowned when he remembered something. He saw a hazy image of a girl brushing her hair with a shiny green comb. She sat in a room across from a full-length mirror, humming a beautiful tune..."No."

Scott was slightly shocked as he only saw benefits to the time acceleration and no drawbacks, but he would not question his Lord.

'I couldn't watch her grow old and die...' Alex thought as he gazed at the passing clouds.

 

11: The power of the Illuminati

Alex was back on Earth sitting on his sofa, eyes closed, seemingly in deep reflection over an extremely important matter.

'Netflix or Xbox Game Pass...I can't afford both this month...Wait...'

"Scott!"

'Yes, Sir?' Scott replied.

"You said you had a plan to make money..."

'Yes, and I believe we are now ready for it, Sir. The plan is quite simple. We are going to steal.'

...

'I suppose I shouldn't be surprised with these hobos,' Alex thought. "From who?" he asked.

'The Illuminati, Sir.'

"...Are you trying to get me suicided on a doorknob?"

'Don't worry, Sir. I have a foolproof plan. Don't forget, you have the power of invisibility now. They will never even see you coming.'

"Hmm, I'm listening."

"The family we will steal from is called the Rodwell family who have control over the North American region. Currently, they are the weakest of the 9 families due to having lost a war in 15th century Europe versus another family. At the time, most of their senior members were wiped out and their foundation decimated...'

'The remnants fled to the United States where due to a lack of powerful generals and items, they decided to focus on developing science and technology. This decision was actually the primary contributor to the current modern age of mortals...'

'While all the other families live in relative seclusion, mainly focusing on cultivation, the Rodwells have spent the last 500 years focusing on building an economic and military empire in order to attempt a resurgence.'

Alex listened in fervent attention. "Wow, so you say they focus on technology. What are we talking about here? Cyborgs, mechas, super soldiers?"

'Yes, Sir.'

"...I didn't actually expect you to say yes for once."

'As far as personal fighting ability, their chosen are rather weak. The main issue is they lack powerful Generals and cultivation resources. The most powerful of their Generals died in Europe when their chosen were killed.'

"So Generals die when a chosen is killed?"

'By default, yes Sir. In the case of the 9 families, they possess a method to sign soul inheritance contracts with each General. With such a contract, when a chosen dies, his General's soul is automatically transferred to a chosen heir. However, this only works once in the sense that if the heir also dies before he has a chance to sign a new contract for the next heir, the General dies all the same. This is what happened to the Rodwells.'

"Hmm, what about outside of personal fighting ability?"

'The Rodwells can be said to be the family that relies the most on external resources. This includes both manpower and technology. They employ many soldiers and for good reason; Their actual number of chosen is far less than all other families. This is a problem that they may never fix. As for external resources, they have the best technological weaponry in the world. In addition, their inner worlds also focus on science and technology.'

"Oh, what are their inner worlds like?"

'Some are likely even more advanced technologically than the Earth. Biotech, mechanics, artificial intelligence, robotics, energy weapons, and more are fields that they develop inside of their inner worlds. However, they still suffer the same problem as all chosen, they cannot easily extract many items from their worlds. So these super technologies on Earth are very scarce.'

Alex knit his brows. They didn't sound like pushovers. If he made a mistake, he'd probably end up in a floating tank getting probed and prodded somewhere. "This money that we'd be stealing...where specifically does it come from?"

At this question, Scott who is usually stoic and calm, lightly frowned. 'That answer is simple Sir, human exploitation.'

Alex didn't expect this response. "What do you mean?"

'The Illuminati see non-chosen humans as cattle. Societal manipulation, kidnapping, assassination, forced labor, human experimentation, and ritual sacrifice are activities that all of the families engage in on a daily basis. If they find a human useful, they don't hesitate to use any means necessary to capture or otherwise force them to act under their will. Humans don't realize that these days, they are simply financial slaves living in a giant hamster cage.''

"...Wow, they do all of that. You know, these guys sound like real jerks!" Alex breathed a sigh of relief that he was the good guy in this feud.

"Well I think I get the idea, so don't keep me in suspense all day. Where is it exactly that you want to steal from?"

"Sir...we're going to rob the Federal Reserve."

 

12: Artistic Renaissance

"Ok here's the plan. I'll drive the getaway car, and you go inside and rob the money. Sound good?"

'...Sir, although we can appear on Earth in soul form, that's the extent of it. Similar to your limitations in Cardopolis, we cannot physically interact with any objects,' Scott answered.

"That's very...convenient. How do I know you two are not just con men and this whole thing hasn't been a big plot to get me to be your fall guy for this robbery?"

...

Scott didn't have a response to that, but that only made Alex's suspicions grow.

"Take me to Hades, I need to cross-examine him."

Alex entered Cardopolis with Scott's help and soon they found Hades.

"What the hell are you doing?!?" Alex shouted.

It was night time and Hades was dressed in a black cloak. In the middle of the city, he stood at the side of a large building, with a spray can in his hand...doing graffiti.

The yell startled Hades. Realizing he'd been caught, he was preparing to run away when he saw it was his Lord and Scott. Immediately, he made what he believed to be the most intelligent response and hid the spray can behind his back. "...Nothing, Lord."

"Is that nothing?" Alex pointed to a giant mural made in intricate color illustrated across the side of the building. The shading work and realism of the figures were truly impressive, making the piece worthy of standing amongst the finest of ancient Greek art.

Atop the magnificent exhibition, in bold imaginative lettering was the text, "Ladies Man Hades."

It was a mural of Hades on a throne, surrounded by women fawning over him. Little did anyone on the scene know, this mural would later be known as Cardopolis' first masterpiece. It would ignite an artistic renaissance in Cardopolis, the likes of which would advance art and culture into a new age.

"...It wasn't me, Lord."

"The hell it wasn't!"

"...I get bored, Lord." Hades finally took responsibility. The first step of recovery is admitting you have a problem.

"Alright look, we don't have time for this. Scott's come up with a great plan to get rich and it involves you robbing the Federal Reserve while we drive the getaway car."

"Lord...I can't interact with any physical material on Earth."

"Damn! You two already coordinated this in advance, didn't you?" Alex grew even more suspicious.

After a long time of examining the two cheats, trying to get information from their mischievous eyes, Alex finally sighed. "Alright, this isn't a place to talk." He looked up at the mural and almost threw up. "Let's go to the sky lounge."

Hades and Scott looked at each other, confused about where the sky lounge was.

Witnessing their lack of imagination, Alex just shook his head. "Just take me to a random place in the sky...let's go."

Moments later, they were in the sky lounge.

"Alright. Scott, talk about your plan." Alex said

"Yes, Sir. It's quite simple. Wearing the Helm of Darkness, you will enter the Federal Reserve Bank in Manhattan. Inside, there is an elevator that goes down to the vault which holds cash and gold. The bank staff opens the vault daily so all you have to do is follow the staff down the elevator, steal some cash while invisible, and go back up. It's that easy."

Alex stroked his energy chin. "It seems reasonable..."

"How much can we get?" Alex asked.

"The gold vault houses approximately 500 thousand gold bars weighing over 6000 tons combined. Considering the gold and cash, the value...is over $250 billion."

Alex's eyes became gold colored. "When would we do it?"

"Tomorrow would be appropriate, Sir." Scott responded.

Alex deeply exhaled and clenched his teeth. To Scott and Hades, he seemed to be struggling with the morality of stealing.

'There's a server event in PUBG tomorrow with some nice items lined up.' He was weighing the value between infinite money and limited items in a video game.

'Money will always exist, but limited items...' Not everyone is a slave to money. Some people have higher principles.

'No wait, for millions of dollars I can just buy accounts with all the items I want.' It was a perfect example of the power of human reasoning.

"Ok, the plan is set, we'll go tomorrow. You two better not fool around in Cardopolis and get distracted. Tomorrow's important and we can't fail. I've heard that in prison, they only let you choose between a dozen books and some old movies. I'd rather get gang-r*ped than have to sit through an Adam Sandler movie again."

...

"You can feel relieved, Sir." Scott assured him.

"Of course not, Lord," Hades said as he squeezed tightly on the spray can behind his back. He wouldn't stop...he couldn't stop.

 

13: Robbing the Federal Reserve

Alex was currently wearing the Helm of Darkness and Scott's sandals, looking up at his future victim.

He gazed upon the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, a 22-floor building in Manhattan constructed of the finest limestone. It's tall arched windows hinted at the biblical fortune hidden inside.

'I've learned today that the Helm of Darkness also works as a lifetime MetroCard, but the ride was still a pain.' Alex had enjoyed hopping the metro's turnstile like a boss, but he suffered on the train whenever someone would try to sit on him. Being undetectable was a double-edged sword.

At the door of the Federal Reserve, stood police officers, but he was fearless as they had no clue he was right next to them. He waited by the bank entrance until someone opened the door, at which time he entered behind them before the door swung closed.

The inside of the bank consisted of an extremely long corridor. It was accented by stone pillars reaching upwards and ending in graceful arches that met the two-story ceiling. This created the illusion of being inside a financial cathedral. The lights made the interior glow in golden hues against the backdrop of rich, rosewood furniture. It was the embodiment of elegance.

'This definitely looks like a place where Illuminati would meet to devise malicious schemes.' Alex's mind immediately went to a dark place. He walked down the corridor, careful not to bump into an occasional passerby.

'Where is the elevator?' Alex asked.

'All the way in the back, Sir,' Scott replied.

He continued walking to the back of the bank. Finally, he saw a stainless steel, extremely wide industrial elevator located all the way in the rear.

'What time do they do their daily deposits and withdrawals?'

'In 15 minutes, Sir,' Scott answered.

'How do you know all this?' Alex probed.

'...Google, Lord.'

...

'Google has everything now.' Alex decided it was best to trust his General for once, at least while he risked being caught and put in a cage, tied up with a face mask like Hannibal Lecter.

He waited again for a short while until he saw 3 people walking to the elevator. Behind them were two security guards pushing a large cart covered with a tarp. Alex nearly started drooling when he saw yellow light glimmer from the bottom right corner. It was a cart of gold!

'Don't be impatient, that's just an appetizer, the real main course is still downstairs.' Alex held himself back from stealing this gold and running immediately.

The three bank staff went over to the elevator's security panel before all scanning their key cards. Only after all 3 of them did so, did the elevator door open from the middle. The inside of the elevator was very spacious. There was enough room for a dozen individuals along with the large cart.

The cart of gold was wheeled in by the security, followed by the staff, and finally an unseen thief. Soon after, the door closed and the elevator began its descent.

'This elevator sure is slow and we've been going down for ages. Is this thing taking us to the Underworld?' Alex was growing impatient.

'There is no such elevator to the Underworld, Lord,' Hades clarified.

'I know, I was just jok--.'

'The Underworld had an escalator, Lord. I felt it would be more convenient.'

Alex nearly fell over and knocked into the guards before reminding himself to try to not talk to Hades before the robbery was finished.

'Sir, the vault sits 80 feet below street level. The reason for the slow descent is that gold is extremely heavy, so the elevator was built this way for safety,' Scott answered as a normal person would.

Finally, the elevator reached its destination and stopped. The metallic door opened. The security wheeled out the cart of gold and everyone exited the elevator before the door closed.

They exited into a large room with polished marble walls and floors. In the center were two massive metallic doors made of cold dark metal. Each one connected to a bronze-colored wheel shaped like a car's steering wheel, but closer in size to a sea vessel's helm.

The three bank staff proceeded to use keys attached to their necklaces to unlock each one. Finally, each of the two security staff grabbed a wheel and pulled them apart, causing the two doors to open with a sound of steam escaping.

The inside of the doors opened up to a small hallway. The 5 staff members proceeded to wheel the gold and head onwards, leaving the gate open behind them. Alex tiptoed nearby, his heartbeat slowly rising in anticipation. He only took a few steps when suddenly, he was frozen in place, nearly instinctually raising his hand to shield his eyes. 'El Dorado...' he thought.

There it was. Blinding yellow light.

 

14: Smash you with gold!

Within one of the most industrialized cities in the world, Alex found mountains.

Mountains of gold bars shining so bright they would shame the sun.

Mountains of paper cash fuming of paper and ink.

He had to stop himself from diving into the gold like Scrooge McDuck.

'Scott, when I told you I needed money, I meant like for an airplane ticket, but you've really over-delivered today! Good lad. You can expect a positive evaluation coming your way this end of quarter!' Alex complimented Scott.

'...Thank you, Sir.' Scott still had no idea what he was talking about.

Alex looked around. Besides the gold and cash mountains, there were over 100 mini-vaults filled with gold, each with a set of 4 combination locks. He stood and watched as the 3 staff members began to open one of them.

Meanwhile, the security staff removed the tarp, revealing the delicious gold underneath that they had apparently planned to deposit today. The gates for the mini-vaults had air holes, so Alex was pretty sure he could Seal the gold behind them just by standing near their gates.

Besides the mini-vaults, all the way at the end of the extremely long hallway, there stood one unique thing. It was a grim, solid steel door. There were no combination or digital locks on it. Instead, all it had was a single hole for a skeleton key. 'That's weird,' Alex thought. He tried looking through the keyhole but couldn't see anything on the other side.

Checking that he was far enough away from the staff so that they wouldn't notice, he tried using a Seal card and focusing on whatever it was behind the door. Nothing happened. 'It seems unless I see the object, the Seal card won't work. No big deal, there's more than enough gold here to satisfy me.'

He walked back towards the staff who had now opened the mini-vault. While walking, he watched them and thought about his next move.

'Now, what's going to be the first appetizer? I can't just snatch these mountains and run because I still need these people to get back up the elevator. I could nibble some off the edges and they probably wouldn't notice, but there are cameras here so you never know. It would be bad if I was cau--.'

"AH!"

BANG

...

Alex was rubbing his elbow as he got up off the floor. 'Damnit! Scott, your stupid sandals made me slip! If I wanted to look like an idiot, I would've just worn UGGs!'

Scott's eyes fluttered and his ears turned red in shame. It was at this moment that Alex noticed he had something more important to do than berate Scott. All of the staff were not staring in his direction. The two guards now had their guns drawn, looking around suspiciously. "Whoever's there, come out!" one of them shouted.

Alex shook his head, 'So much for doing this job like a ninja. Fine, I was going to have mercy on you bastards and leave you some soup, but now I'm going to raid the whole supermarket!' Alex knew the best way to deal with this situation. It was to turn his embarrassment into shameless anger.

The guards still didn't see anything. They just heard a strange noise some distance away, so they weren't exactly suspecting an invisible enemy. Alex quietly tiptoed around the guards. The three additional staff were still standing near the gate they had opened. Alex snuck to the hidden side of the cart and quietly took a gold brick that quickly became invisible.

'Scott, you were right, these are heavy.' Alex felt the brick weighed 30 pounds. He tiptoed back to the guards.

One of the guards spoke. "Maybe we were just hearing thi--."

KLUNK!

The guard promptly fell unconscious on the floor. The other guard quickly ran over to check on him. "Christop--!"

KLUNK!

Two large men now laid unconscious on the ground like it was a frat party. The three staff didn't know what to do. Unfortunately, they didn't get much time to decide. "What should we--."

KLUNK!

KLUNK!

KLUNK!

"Smashed you with gold!" Alex felt good. Too long had he been hiding like a rat. "Ok, let's get to work. Scott, how much can each card hold?"

'Sir, each card has a space of 100 cubic meters. One should be enough to hold an entire stack of gold.'

"Good." First, Alex ran to the mountain of gold. "Seal!" The mountain turned into light and entered the card, forming a small cartoon gold mountain on one side. The sight of it brought joy to Alex's eyes, the likes of which could only be compared to witnessing the birth of your first child.

Then the money.

"SEAL!"

Then the mini-vaults.

"SEAL!"

"SEAL!"

"SEAL!"

...

At this time, a handsome man in a navy blue suit was standing in a security room. His eyes were perpetually narrow as if everything that passed by their sight was automatically deemed worthless. He was watching a very interesting scene on the monitoring equipment.

"Sir, this is the anomaly." A security officer pointed to the cameras where you could see with the naked eye as the gold in the safe was repeatedly vanishing. "This began several minutes ago. First, all the staff fell down unconscious one by one and now this."

"Oh...interesting. I'm very curious as to who would have the courage to attack my Rodwell family like this...Send in the sweeper team."

 

15: Fighting the world champion

Eighty feet underneath the ground of New York City, the largest robbery in its history was currently taking place.

"Scott, I need more Seal cards!"

'Sir, I only managed to collect another half dozen from some cultivators, but I will send them to you immediately.'

In front of Alex emerged balls of light that quickly turned into cards. Alex felt great disappointment he didn't have enough to take all the gold from here, but before he could complain, he was interrupted. He heard the sound of the elevator opening, followed by many footsteps. His face turned pale.

'Oh no. It must've gone back up when I was running around.' He peeked his head around the corner and saw a dozen men armed to the teeth with body armor, in tactical formation, and pointing automatic rifles in his direction.

Alex stared down a dozen gun barrels, each of which could blow his head off. 'Not good...Wait, they can't see me. They probably don't know I'm here.'

"We know you're here and that you're invisible. Come out and show yourself with your hands up, or we will come in and kill you."

...

'Scott, this was your plan. Give me a play here.'

'Don't die Sir.'

...

'Hades, do better!'

'It's ok to die, Sir. Going to the Underworld is a part of life.'

'Part of life my ass! Who wants to argue on internet forums and go to your Underworld!?!'

Alex shook his head as he thought to himself, 'I have the worst f*cking assistants...'

Sigh...

'How am I supposed to get out of this. I have no gun. All I have is these stupid bricks! Wait...'

Alex took out a Seal card and looked at it for a few seconds. He peered his head back out at the heavily armed men and steeled himself. 'Here goes nothing. Smash you with gold!' He threw out the seal card into the room where the gunmen were located. It immediately became visible when leaving his hands.

"Unseal!" he shouted as he kept his back against the wall.

KLANK! KLANK! KLANK! KLANK! KLANK!

Gold immediately poured out from the hallway past his feet like a flood. When the golden river finally stopped gushing, he peered back out to view his work. The entire entrance room and hallway were filled up to waist height with golden bricks. The soldiers...crushed like ants. Alex gulped.

"Scott, old friend, can you do me a favor? It's nothing big...just when the police come asking, would you mind taking the fall for this mass murder?"

'...Of course, Sir.'

"That's good. I'll be sure to tell the jury what a good employee you were. In any case, we better get the hell out of here." Alex proceeded to reseal the gold blocking the elevator. Soon after, a path to the elevator once again opened. He ran to the three unconscious staff members and took their elevator key cards.

It felt like ages, but in reality, between the gunmen coming out of the elevator and Alex recollecting the bricks, only several minutes had passed. Finally, he was preparing to head back up when he heard the elevator open again. Alex peeked at the sight from around the corner, expecting even more men to come. He was surprised when only one man in a navy blue suit stepped out.

Upon seeing the squashed soldiers, the man's eyes firs became round, before quickly returning to his usual, apathetic gaze. 'I don't know exactly what happened here, but it looks like these lowly worms weren't up to the task,' the man thought.

"Mystery thief...which family are you from?" The man loudly asked, his voice reverberating through the space.

...

"Not going to talk? Fine have it your way." The man squeezed his fists and held them in front of him. At that moment, two balls of light emerged on his hands and turned into bright red boxing gloves.

'Is that a soul item? Can any of you tell who the General is?' Alex asked.

'Yes, Sir. Once a soul ability is activated, nearby Generals can sense some information regarding the identity of the soul ability's General. That soul weapon should belong to Muhammad Ali,' Scott replied.

'Muhammad Ali, the greatest boxer of all time? That could be considered...not great for me. I'm pretty sure he could take my head off with one punch. Fighting the heavyweight world champion's soul weapon? No thank you. I can't let him attack me...'

"Little rat. Come out, come out, wherever you are." The man teased. "Hey rat, remember the name of the one who killed you today when you talk to Hades in the Underworld." He started walking forward step by step.

Alex's eyebrows pinched together.

'I didn't do anything, Lord,' Hades was already begging for forgiveness.

"My name is John Rodwe--"

"Smash you with gold!"

KLANK! KLANK! KLANK! KLANK! KLANK!

The man never got to finish his sentence as his sight went black.

 

16: The greatest magician

"Escapology has one thing going for it that probably made Harry Houdini such a superstar in his day and a legend in the present. Everyone wants to escape from something. Taxes, contracts, illness, work, the multitude of burdens that we chafe under are shadows from which we want to escape." - James Randi
------------

Alex was getting pretty good at picking up gold bricks and using them to squash ants.

"Are all chosen ones so weak?" Alex asked his Generals.

'Sir, this particular man seemed very arrogant and foolish, and this environment is perfect for Lord's Seal cards. It's important not to underestimate your future opponents.' Scott answered.

Alex nodded. After resealing the gold blocking the entrance, he looked at the squashed body of the chosen one. The red boxing gloves were beginning to turn into light spots. 'I wonder what'll happen if I use a Seal card on those boxing gloves...Maybe I can Seal them?' Alex tried out his idea.

"Seal!"

The boxing gloves turned into light balls, but instead of flowing into the card, a light string was connected between them and the card as the gloves flew into the eyebrows of the dead man on the ground, bringing the string with it. Alex's brows furrowed.

As soon as the string touched the man's head, another light ball came out of it, moving along the string and into the card. "Did it work?" Alex looked down at the card with bright eyes expecting to see a pair of boxing gloves or maybe a cartoon Muhammad Ali. Instead, all he saw was an old copper key.

"What the hell is this trash?"

Alex focused his consciousness onto the card to see if he could understand what was inside. There, he saw a man, but it wasn't Muhammad Ali. The man wore an old early 20th-century style suit. His hair was dark with gray on the sides. It was parted such that it resembled miniature wings, as if he could fly away at any moment.

"Who the hell are you?" Alex asked.

The man appeared traumatized, completely clueless as to what was happening. He was suddenly dragged from his master's inner world into a black space, and now an unknown voice was speaking to him. "I'm...I'm Harry Houdini Sir. If I may ask, what am I doing here and what happened to my master?"

"By your master, do you mean that arrogant retard wearing a blue suit?"

Houdini wasn't sure how to answer that. If he said yes and his master found out, he would absolutely be tortured for many years. "My master was indeed wearing a blue suit last I saw him..."

"Oh...that's him on the floor. I've turned him into the new carpet."

Houdini went pale.

'Houdini...I feel like I've heard that name...Wait, isn't that the name of the clown who used to do card tricks at kids parties in Brooklyn? Bozo Houdini...that's right. How did this guy end up as a General?' Alex's evaluation of the Rodwell family just fell to the bottom.

Houdini had no idea that he went from being the greatest magician of all time to a children's party clown in Alex's mind from that moment on.

"What happened to you? How did you get here? Where's my Muhammad Ali?"

Houdini's forehead was sweating. "Lord...Muhammad Ali was a fellow General under my...former master. As to what happened, I'm not entirely sure. I was suddenly pulled out of my master's inner world and arrived here in this dark space."

Alex thought about it. "I see. If that's all the information you have...then you can go die now."

Houdini was panicking. 'How do I escape? How do I escape?' Then his eyes cast a glint as he remembered something. "Wait, Lord! I can be useful to you!"

"No thanks. I don't need balloon animals."

"No, Lord! The lock! The locked door in the gold vault! I can open it for you!" Houdini was nearly crying now as he screamed desperately.

At this, Alex was intrigued. "Oh...how?"

"Lord, my soul item! My soul item is the Universal Escape Key! It's a key that can open any lock once a day! If my former master is indeed dead, although I do not know how I am here, that would mean I am currently not bound under a soul contract. Lord, if you were to contract me as a General, then you could use my soul ability!"

Alex considered this. "Should I agree? Hmm...I have locked myself out of my apartment several times already." Rather than only seeking immediate benefits, he was considering for the future.

"Alright, I'll try to form a soul contract with you. Don't resist." Alex proceeded to connect his soul to the General in the card. Soon after, Houdini appeared above the city of Cardopolis. This was the strangest day of his life since he became a General, but when he saw the city of cards...his eyes shined!

"Alright, let's see your soul item," Alex said to Houdini who now lived inside Cardopolis.

"Right away, Lord." Houdini immediately turned into a copper key in Alex's hand. Alex didn't waste any more time and quickly went over to the locked room at the end of the hall. He inserted the key and watched it radiate light once it was turned. Then he heard a click and the heavy metal door slowly retreated, revealing a small metal room.

Inside the room, there were three displays housing three items. When Alex's eyes fell upon them, he dropped to his knees and began to shake his fists in the air like he just won the World Cup.

 

17: Finding epic loot

"Finally, the epic loot!"

Gold and money were nice, but they were no match for limited edition items. In front of Alex were three items that looked to be very limited edition.

The first was a golden apple that radiated light.

The second was a basketball sized globe that appeared to be an eyeball. When Alex looked at it, his hairs stood up and he couldn't help but get the feeling that he was gazing at imminent death.

The third was a golden sheath holding a one-handed sword with a jeweled, golden hilt.

'I can understand why that blue suit guy was in charge of this bank. Their real treasures were hidden behind a door that could probably only be opened by the Universal Escape Key of his General,' Alex thought to himself.

'Sir, we should leave as soon as possible. If more chosen surround this place, things will become dangerous,' Scott reminded him.

Alex knew he was right so he immediately grabbed the three items and returned to the elevator. He used the staffs' key cards and took the trip back up.

When the elevator door opened inside of the bank, he half expected to be surrounded by another team of gunmen, but it was completely empty. 'That arrogant idiot downstairs probably didn't think he would get headshot in 2 seconds and didn't bother calling for help. What a nice guy,' Alex thought.

He swaggered out of the building. If anyone was able to see him right now, they would be quite shocked upon witnessing his unique sense of style. In the middle of Manhattan, there was a young man with his head held high in a sinister black Helm, walking in ancient wooden slippers, and carrying a giant eye under one arm and a sword in the other.

Alex made his way down the metro. When he approached the turnstile, he snorted and hopped over it. 'A penny saved is a penny earned.' Even though he was now worth tens of billions of dollars, Alex still recognized that $2.75 could buy him a special character skin.

The metro ride was a bumpy one, Alex nearly dropped the giant eye several times, but in the end, he managed to arrive home without causing any collateral damage.

*Woof* *Woof*

Upon arriving inside his apartment, Alex put down all of his things and plopped onto the couch. He was exhausted. "Who knew smashing people with gold could be so exhausting? I feel I understand how those sports team owners feel when they're buying up top athletes."

GRRRRRR

Barney was growling at the eye which was now sitting on the coffee table. 'It seems like Barney doesn't like that thing. I can't blame him, it's creepy as hell,' Alex thought as he checked his pockets and found some remaining seal cards. He used one card on the eye and Barney finally calmed down.

After resting for a few minutes, Alex started to feel better. "Scott, what happened back there when I sealed that chosen? And how come I didn't get Muhammad Ali?"

'Sir, it seems that besides for physical objects, your Seal cards also have a function in sealing energy such as the soul forms of Generals. Regarding the specifics, I am not clear as of now. However, it would seem that once that chosen died, his soul contracts with his Generals expired...'

'When you used a Seal card on him, it created a connection to his inner world where his Generals reside and tried to Seal a General. Unfortunately, since you do not have direct access to his inner world, your Seal only pulled out a random General. That's as much as I can gather at this moment.'

"So you're telling me each time I kill a chosen, I get to do a lottery draw?"

'...Sure, Sir.'

"What about that Houdini...I thought you said one had to be a warrior to become a General."

'Sir, the requirement to become a General is soul strength rather than fighting ability. Cultivating physical power raises the strength of one's soul. Most of the qualified Generals are fighters with great power because they tend to be the most numerous in population...'

'However, there are some esoteric practices that strengthen the soul directly such as meditation. These methods may be used by monks, magicians, and others to develop strong enough souls to become Generals,' Scott explained.

'Taking pies in the face is now a soul strengthening activity?' Alex shook his head. Nevertheless, he began to imagine the possibilities of his newfound application of Seal cards. If he liked a General, he would snatch a General. Then he remembered that sideshow clown Houdini sitting in Cardopolis right now and his excitement waned.

'It's useless if it keeps throwing me trash.' Houdini, the greatest escape artist in history, will never escape from this first impression.

 

18: Why is my cultivation level negative?!?

As Barney laid on his bed chewing on his toy, he curiously glanced at the many piles of gold bricks now surrounding his bed. This was to be Barney's new palace. Now that Alex had enough gold to be a king, Barney would also become the king of the dogs.

Alex was sitting on his couch looking at three items sitting on his coffee table. They were the treasures he stole from the locked room in the Federal Reserve.

"Scott, do you know what these things are?"

'Lord, these are all items that came from chosen ones' inner worlds, also known as artifacts. Being from foreign inner worlds, they still carry traces of those energy signatures allowing Generals to be able to know some information about them. However, it would probably be best to ask Houdini.

"Hmm...take me in to see him."

'Sir, if you like you can just speak to him directly...'

"I want to see what that face painted fool has been up to."

***

Being captured as a prisoner of war rarely went well. That's why at first, Houdini was pessimistic about his new situation. That is until he saw Cardopolis, the grand civilization of cards. When he first started learning magic as a child, it was because he was enraptured by the card tricks he had seen in a book. It was the beginning of his journey. So this city, in a way, was his dream city!

He walked around the roads paved with card shaped bricks. He read the card shaped newspapers. He enjoyed dessert at a cafe served on a card shaped plate. Finally, he found himself in a convenience store which sold a variety of items, most of them card shaped. At the front desk, he saw something he recognized, a deck of Bee playing cards for sale.

"Sir!" Houdini called for a clerk.

"Yes?" a fat man came out of the back wearing card shaped glasses with slits in them.

"What do you call these?" Houdini asked, pointing to the Bee cards

The attendant looked at him as if he was an alien. "...You need to find God, Son."

"I don't understand..."

"Did you get hit over the head with a heavy card or something? That's the oldest thing known to man...The Holy Card Bible." The man's eyes showed a reverent expression.

"The oldest thing known to man?"

"The stories go that when our first ancestors came to exist, these were the first things they found, lying within and atop the ground. These holy cards taught them how to live. They gave them hope and the courage to build a society. If you want a copy, that'll be 3 cardcash."

Houdini felt that this world was meant for him, that he could understand it, and it him. He felt if he could get these cards that they would help him quickly become in tune with this place. However, when he checked his pockets, he realized that he had only just arrived here and was penniless. This was a time to improvise. "Look! It's the queen of hearts!" He pointed out the window to the rear of the clerk.

"What? Where?!?" The man promptly turned and scanned through the window. When he turned back around, Houdini was still there blinking at him.

"...My mistake Sir, I must go to a physician to get a pair of those fine card glasses."

The store clerk snorted and went back to his business.

When Houdini left, the man didn't notice that the display was now short a Holy Card Bible.

Houdini made it disappear.

***

Alex arrived to the sky lounge. "Where is he?"

"I will take you to him, Sir," Scott replied.

Moments later, the two of them were in the middle of the busy commercial district of Cardopolis. Alex's face immediately turned black.

There, with a hat on the ground full of cardcash, was Houdini entertaining a group of children with various card tricks.

"This ignoramus just can't help himself. It's like it's in his blood." Alex shook his head. "It was good I came here. Scott, watch him and let me know if he becomes Pennywise and starts murdering children."

"...Yes, Sir."

"Houdini!" Scott yelled.

Upon hearing that voice, Houdini froze mid-reach as he was pulling a cardcoin out from behind a kid's ear. He immediately sprinted over to Alex's front. "At your service, master."

"Don't call me master. One, you're not a cute female maid. Two, your last master became a pancake and I'm not interested in following his lead. Sir or Lord will do."

"...Yes, Lord."

"Houdini, I'm going back but I'll need to ask you some things when I'm there so you're going to have to cut the buffoonery short."

"Of course, Lord."

...

Alex was back in his living room, looking at the epic loot in front of him.

"Houdini, I need you to tell me what these items are."

'Yes, Lord. That golden apple is from the Silver Branch in Ireland. It is a cultivation treasure that can be eaten,' Houdini explained.

"Someone tell me more about cultivation."

'Sir, cultivation is the process of strengthening one's mind and body. In Cardopolis, there is the card cultivation system as you are aware. On Earth, however, due to richer world energy and the presence of many chosen ones with varying inner worlds, there exists a multitude of cultivation systems. Nevertheless, they can all be approximately compared based on a level system. Mortals can cultivate from levels 1 to 9," Scott chimed in.

"Interesting...What level am I now? 1, 2?"

'Negative 4, Sir.'

"How the hell is it negative?!?"

 

19: Bye bye Shane

'It turns out I'm not OP at all. Now they're telling me that I'm a waste...' Alex sulked.

'Sir, a normal human is born with level 0 cultivation. Unfortunately, in today's society, there is so much air and water pollution that when combined with the ingestion of impure food, the bodies of most humans have become extremely unhealthy and weak. Their energy channels are blocked and they may not be able to cultivate above level 1 even if they trained their whole lives,' Scott answered.

Snort. "You try not eating pizza regularly when there's a shop on every block...What can I do?"

'For you Sir, there is actually a simple solution. Simply eat the golden apple. It is a cultivation treasure that can raise one's cultivation and cleanse their body of impurities,' Scott continued.

Alex picked up the apple and held it in his hand. it was giving off faint light. The skin was slightly hard like plastic. 'I hope I don't break my teeth on this thing.' He dug in. As he bit into the apple, he felt a powerful but smooth energy rush into his stomach and then spread throughout his body.

It felt extremely comfortable. With each bite, he felt better and better. Finally, there was only a stem left. He looked down at it, then threw it to Barney. Alex sat there with his eyes closed for a long time, enjoying the comfortable feeling. 'This is like that time I was at the top of the leaderboards for a day...'

Finally, he opened his eyes...or, he tried to open his eyes, but they were stuck. 'Scott, I can't open my eyes. What the hell is going on?' he asked his General through their soul connection.

'Sir, I'm unclear. Please summon me so that I can observe the situation.' As suggested, Alex summoned Scott into the living room.

"...Sir, the golden apple has cleansed your body and expunged toxic substances through your pores. Currently, your body is covered by these black toxins.

'That's understandable, but why can't I move?'

"...Sir, it seems that in your case, the about of impurities was...a little much."

Barney was confused. He was looking at the sofa where only minutes ago, Alex had been sitting in a meditative trance. At that time, Barney had decided to take a nap. Now after opening his eyes, there was a human-sized chocolate poop in Alex's place.

'So you're telling me that I've been turned into a giant, chocolate covered raisin?'

'That's fairly accurate, Sir. It would appear as if you are currently inside a cocoon of toxins. I've heard tales that during an extremely powerful being's evolution, they sometimes form a cocoon of energy around themselves to preserve the energy within. But this is the first time I've seen one that has been created purely from impurities...' Scott clarified.

'In fact Sir, I feel you should break out urgently, before this toxic sludge manages to gain sentience somehow...' Scott was afraid of his Lord's "talent."

Alex was startled now. He didn't want to become Swamp Thing. He mustered all of his strength to move. First his arms, then his legs. Finally, he managed to stand up, breaking out of the toxic shell that had been created by his body's impurities. When he was free, he couldn't help but marvel at his newfound strength.

"Wow, I feel powerful. Scott, what's my cultivation level now?"

'Negative one, Sir.'

...

Barney was enjoying life in his golden dog bed, chewing on his most favorite new toy, an old wooden pair of slippers. Occasionally, they would emit a small whimper.

After cleaning up his living room, which had looked like the floor of a Hershey's factory, Alex went back to studying the remaining two items. "Houdini, tell me about this eye."

'Lord, this is Balor's eye. He was a giant cyclops who was the leader of the Fomorians, a group of malevolent supernatural beings in the inner world of a chosen one from Ireland. That was part of the former region of the Rodwells,' Houdini explained.

"So you're telling me there are monsters in this world?" Alex's eyes shined. "Have you met Godzilla?"

...

'Lord, from what I know, the inner worlds of chosen ones can develop other species besides humans. Balor was killed inside of his chosen's inner world, and then the eye was extracted. As far as if monsters exist on Earth, I have not seen such a thing. However, this eye is a truly deadly weapon that can launch a terrible laser...' Houdini said with a twinge of fear in his voice.

"How terrible?" Alex asked.

'It's been said to be capable of threatening a God...'

"I like the sound of that. There's this prick Shane living nearby who needs to be taught a lesson. How do I use it?" Alex unsealed the giant eyeball and began to poke and prod it trying to find its launch button.

'Lord, may I ask what this Shane has done?'

"He's been talking epic sh*t in Call of Duty. I traced his IP and found where he lives. Time to vaporize him."

'Lord, I suggest you do not use it...on Shane. I'm afraid this weapon is a consumable and can only be used once.'

Alex considered the pros and cons. Several blocks away, Shane suddenly felt a chill.

Author's Note:

The majority of the characters, items, stories, and even jokes in this novel are based on real mythology. If you're interested, you can search about them as they come up.