Well, this is just a small thing I made for a project in school. It was heavily inspired from the stuff I read here, so I figured, why not post it? It's a bit long though for a one-shot (maybe) at 3,000 + words. And as a fair warning, there is some very very very slight BL. Like, I just added it as a twist in the ending because I wanted to impress the teacher lmao. The task: Write a story utilizing description (so there might be spots with detailed description lol) Genre: Fantasy, Adventure, Comedy (or at least I tried??) Self-depreciating thoughts of mine before you start: Spoiler For one, it's a bit long for a short story. And the emotional scene somewhere near the end was a bit rushed. In fact, a large part of this is rushed, since I continuously wrote it from 10 PM to 3 AM. So there might be some...questionable stuff (spoiler: Lich-Centipede boss) Idk I'm personally not too satisfied with it. Actual Story: Spoiler “So you’re telling me…we’re what again?” Cameron Zenith Sielle stared hard at his childhood friend of five years and tried to see if there was any trace of jesting on his handsomely carved face. Sadly, the striking blue eyes of the other held none of the sort. In fact, they were deadly serious, as if the person was discussing matters of life and death and not something a mental case would spout. “Let me say it again, Cam. We’re cannon fodder characters in this story! When the protagonist comes along, we’ll be reduced to the sidelines, or worse, become the villains that will launch them to power with our evil ploys!” The 16 year-old youth named Ruse Calendula Larai began lecturing. “Can’t you see?” Cameron shook his head, letting the straight silver locks he possessed drape over his bright red eyes. His expression was one of resignation. Being friends with the guy in front of him since they were both 11 year-old children somehow desensitized him to his outlandish antics. Although this one claim he had surpassed all the other instances, Cameron wasn’t exactly surprised when he said it. “No, I don’t.” He replied, deciding to play along. “Can you tell me why again? I’m genuinely interested, really.” Ruse completely missed the sarcasm dripping from his tone and answered as if the albino boy actually wanted to know. With enthusiasm, he launched into a tirade explaining the whole concept of heroes and villains. “You see, we’re both nobles. I’m the Great General’s son and you’re from a Ducal lineage. I mean, look!” He motioned grandly to the balcony they were currently occupying. Compared to ordinary households, this one was noticeably fancier with its ornate chairs and wide space. The rails were even sculpted from marble, made to emulate vines and leaves with flowers blooming here and there. Even the snacks they were feasting on were made by the Sielle Clan’s stay-in pastry chef. “Aside from that,” Ruse continued, “Both our parents are still alive, and we’re pretty powerful, too. Didn’t you place first in the Mage’s ranking in the academy last year?” Cameron nodded in reply. He had indeed won the top spot after developing his own barrier utilizing pure mana and besting the old placeholder in magical combat. Now that he thought about it, Ruse himself was also quite competent. As the son of the Great General, he was trained in the art of wielding all sorts of weapons from a young age, so it was no surprise that he was the consistent first-placer in the Warrior ranks. But he couldn’t see how that proved anything. “So? What’s the connection?” He questioned the other. Ruse tsked, making his fluffy black hair sway slightly with the action. “Those three things alone already say it all! A protagonist must first and foremost have a tragic backstory. He must be a peasant from an impoverished family, a tormented orphan left to fend for himself, or both! That way, he has the motivation to push through all the challenges presented by the plot. Look at us. We’re none of those things!” “……Good point.” Cameron had to admit that he did make sense. In most of the stories he read, the main character was a person with a dark past who had to go through innumerable obstacles in order to rise to power. Compared to him and Ruse, who were relatively well-off and didn’t have lots of hardships in life aside from their studies, the protagonists there were thoroughly abused by life. Although they soon got the glory they deserved, they had to suffer for it. “And about us being strong? What does that have to do with it?” Cameron asked. “That’s what I’m worried most about.” Ruse sighed melodramatically. “I mean, setting aside our family backgrounds, we totally have the talent required to become main characters, don’t we? Well, think about it. Which person in the story is as powerful as the protagonist, but is rich and pampered?” The boy paused for effect before exclaiming: “The villains, of course!” Cameron scrunched up his eyebrows. “So you’re saying we’re the bad guys?” His friend nodded vigorously. “And maybe not just ordinary villains, but the final bosses that the protagonist has to face in the last arc.” There was a thick moment of silence that followed where Cameron hoped that Ruse would somehow say that he was just joking about the whole thing and they would be done with it, but no. The black-haired boy only looked on at him with earnest puppy-dog eyes. Cameron resisted the urge to sigh. He always knew his childhood friend was a bit of a nutcase. Aside from muttering unfamiliar terms like cellphone, computer, and internet every now and then, the guy was a bit……slow, to put it nicely. Maybe all the weapon training reduced his brain into pure muscle. Either way, he was his friend, and he would support him with this conspiracy theory of his if it made him happy. Of course, he would make sure that they both wouldn’t end up looking like idiots because of it in the process. Thus, four years went by in a flash. The two boys finally completed their education in the kingdom’s academy, with them placing first in their respective fortes. Cameron was hailed as one of the most talented mages that graduated in the last decade; meanwhile, Ruse received the king’s recognition because of his exemplary fighting skill. Yet, the “protagonist” that they predicted would transfer in the middle of each term was unexpectedly was still missing in action. “Just wait. Maybe this isn’t a school-based story.” Ruse told Cameron as they stood on the academy’s stage, receiving their awards. “We’re 20 year-olds now, so maybe this is a young adult novel. Ugh, that means there’ll be unnecessary drama and more complicated plots. There might even be romance and whatever.” He said under his breath, a look of extreme disgust on his face. “Anyways, we’ll encounter him soon enough. But in order to prevent us from falling to the path of becoming the unfortunate villains, we must be nice to him!” A week later, the duo was tasked by their families to go out and explore the world, complete quests and bring glory to their name. Most noble-born children did this traditional venture that lasted for one year after graduation. It was a practice dating back to the very existence of the academy itself, and a golden opportunity for newly inducted mages or warriors to make names for themselves. As expected, Ruse proclaimed that this journey was when they would have a fateful encounter with the protagonist. However, even as they trekked the outskirts of their kingdom, hitched a ride with a travelling caravan, and even sailed across the Kynareth Seas, they still found no trace of this supposed protagonist. “How do we even know someone’s the main character anyways?” Cameron questioned Ruse as he sat on a log, warming himself up by the flickering orange flames of their campfire. He had long since outgrown the juvenile teen he was when they first talked about this matter. His silver hair had been dulled a bit by the harshness of the wilderness, and it had grown quite long, reaching the nape of his neck, but it still shone brightly under the full moon. His dark mage robes, embroidered with runes that gave him protection from most attacks, did little to conceal his still slender body. He had an elegant disposition that couldn’t be dampened even by camping in the wild for a few days. Ruse took out some furs from his pack and passed it to the other, knowing he was weak to the night’s chills. Compared to the albino’s fairly slim build, he had broader shoulders and a sturdy constitution befitting a warrior. His face and abdomen had also become more chiseled as he aged, giving him a rugged sort of charm. But unlike Cameron, his hair was still short, not even reaching his ears. Only the top part that grew to the front was a bit long and fluffy. “Simple.” He replied. “You’ll just know it when you see them. They’re the favored children of the world’s fate, after all. They’ll have that unique aura about them.” Cameron nodded upon hearing this response. Although the two of them were already on their first few steps to adulthood, Ruse still firmly believed in the theory he had made all those years ago. Of course, being a good childhood friend (who couldn’t be bothered anymore), he simply got used to the occasional talks they had discussing this “protagonist” and even seriously gave suggestions to improve their plan on how to avoid the unfortunate ending of dying via the plot development. “Anyways,” Ruse yawned as he laid down on the bedroll inside their tent. “Get some sleep; we have another day of travelling tomorrow.” He then closed his eyes and began drifting off into slumber. However, it was obvious to Cameron that the coldness of the night was bothering him as evidenced by the slight tremble of his body. Sighing, he stood up and set down his own bedroll next to the guy. Afterwards, he draped the furs from earlier on top of them both. Ruse was startled by this. He initially tried to give it back to him, but the albino just smacked his hand away when he did, reasoning that the climate here in their current area was quite cold, so he better suck it up and share with him. If one of them got sick, then it would be a hindrance to their adventure. Hearing this, Ruse relented. He relaxed once more and relished in the warmth provided by both the fur blankets and Cameron’s body heat. It was a welcome respite in the biting cold. Soon, even Cameron was asleep, feeling a sense of security being next to the other. When dawn came, they both tidied up the camping grounds and began to set off. However, before they could get far, a man ran up to them with a frantic look on his face. “Help us, travellers!” He cried out. “Corrupted sprites are wreaking havoc on the shrine of our Goddess, Locusia!” The two paused in their tracks. Immediately, Ruse widened his eyes in fear. “Oh no… Isn’t a development like this for the protagonists? Villains don’t get asked to save random people. What should we do, Cameron? If we help, we might anger the protagonist by stealing the quest meant for him.” “Hmm,” Cameron pretended to think. “Let’s just help. If the protagonist gets mad, we’ll just deal with him. I mean, look at the poor guy.” He said, fully intending to lend his aid. Although he had always indulged in Ruse’s theory, he didn’t want this tolerance of his to prevent him from doing what he needed to do. So the two, following Cameron’s advice, set out to the shrine of Locusia in order to defeat the corrupted sprites. Upon their arrival, they were met with a scene of carnage and chaos. The priestesses and priests doing their worship service were scattered on the ground, either dead or injured. The shrine, which was probably immaculately pristine and sacred before the attack, was now absolutely wrecked, with chunks of marble all over the place. Amongst the destruction, the corrupted sprites wandered about in humanoid form. However, they were slightly transparent, tinged with a malevolent violet hue that radiated with the evil they were tainted with. The dark recesses in place of their eyes, with some even dripping a viscous black liquid, along with the eerie smile plastered on their faces indicated that their shapes were the only thing human about them. Even their hair, which floated as if it weighed like nothing, further proved that they weren’t normal. Immediately, Cameron chanted a spell to seal off the area and prevent any of the assailants from escaping. Then, he buffed Ruse’s defensive and offensive power while enchanting his sword in order to help him deal better with the dark sprites. Once he finished this, the black-haired man launched himself into action, running for the nearest target in order to cut it down. Ruse slashed horizontally, striking the sprite right in the middle of its abdomen. It screeched, swinging its claws that crackled with lighting in order to retaliate, but before it could hit its attacker, a transparent barrier prevented it from doing any damage. Then, a fireball struck the final blow needed for it to be defeated. The sprite shrieked one last time before it faded into dust. “Thanks.” Ruse nodded briefly to Cameron as he went forward to tackle his next opponent. Because of their coordinated teamwork combining both magic and fighting skill, they soon reduced the number of sprites until there were none left. They were used to this, after all. Aside from the time they spent in the academy doing team battles, their experience while travelling further honed their abilities. Together, they were practically unstoppable. “Done.” Ruse breathed out as the final sprite became nothing more than dark violet sand that blended among the many more piles in the perimeter. He sheathed his swords, panting heavily. It had been quite some time since he went all out like that. Although the opponents weren’t really strong, their numbers made them hard to deal with. Cameron, on the other hand, was now working on healing the injured people who were caught up in the attack. The man that approached them earlier expressed his gratitude. “Thank you, our saviors. Locusia is a Goddess who always honors good, so on behalf of her greatness, we give you these.” He then motioned to two of the priests behind him. They stepped forward and presented a pair of amulets to the duo. They were quite simple at first glance, but upon closer inspection, one could see the superb craftsmanship of the forger who made them. The metal surrounding the rectangular pendants of the thing was carved with runes almost invisible with their miniscule size. Each stroke of the characters was precise and elegant, as if a calligrapher was the one who worked on it. Ruse didn’t want to accept them, because he knew that these amulets held great power in them—power that the protagonist was supposed to get. But Cameron, being the more level-headed of the two, persuaded him to take it. In the end, they got the reward and even a follow-up quest to take it to the Drasil Ruins in order to find out more about them. Thus they embarked on a long string of adventures. In the ruins, they met the ghost of the fallen Dragon God, Skor Astromeir, who recounted to them about how his wife crafted those amulets before her death. He told them that her spirit was still wandering the lands of his old kingdom, so he asked them to pass on a message to her. After they did so, the ghost of Madam Astromeir turned into orbs of light that floated to the sky, creating a new constellation. However, Cameron noticed that the constellation resembled a rune that symbolized a place—the Virid Falls. Convinced that the spirit’s final words, “As I lay to rest, evil awakens” were supposed to guide them toward something they needed to stop, they set out to the location while gathering clues on what they were up against. Apparently, behind the cascading waters was a tomb where resentful energy festered over an ancient corpse. It was being held back by Madam Astromeir’s spirit, one of the last remaining pure souls in the world. When she finally moved on, there was nothing left to prevent the darkness within the depths from breaking lose. Ruse and Cameron were too late when they arrived. As they faced the falls, a shockwave of evil spread from the place and made all plants within fifty meters wilt instantly. The grass turned into the same violet color as the corrupted sprites they faced before, the vines grew spikes and even the flowers became tainted. Day turned to night in a flash. But the cake-topper was when a Lich emerged from behind the waterfall, laughing at them in its eerie jumble of voices. “Visitors! How fun!” It had taunted, raising its hands to revive its undead army. The battle had begun. Ruse faced the undead monarch head-on, dealing with the hordes of skeleton warriors it summoned at the same time. He slashed with his swords, fired away with his bow and even tried to take it on using his halberd. Cameron supported him with buffs and protective spells, occasionally shooting fireballs, ice spikes and all sorts of ranged attacks in order to weaken it. However, just when they thought they had defeated it, it unleashed its second form, which was much more terrifying than the last. At least it still had some semblance to a human before. Now, it was just a pure monster with its long, winding body and many eyes that surrounded its skin. With the hundreds of legs dangling from its segmented body, it resembled a mutated centipede. Ruse and Cameron were both tired out from the first fight. However they pushed on with trying to defeat it. At the crucial moment, however, the Lich-Centipede managed to bypass the barrier and strike Cameron with a lethal poison made from concentrated miasma. The albino lost consciousness as a result, but not before exhausting all his mana into powering up Ruse. The black-haired warrior screamed out as his comrade fell, power from Cameron flowing into his body. All sorts of emotions fueled him as he charged forward—anger, sadness, longing and determination—they channeled themselves into his spirit, triggering the amulet on his neck, the one he received from Locusia’s worshippers, to glow a bright gold. He was enveloped by a light that seemed to repel the corruption around him. It was the blessing from the goddess combined with Madam Astromeir’s runes: a shield impervious to all evil. At that moment, he knew what to do. He took the mana Cameron transferred to him and directed it to his sword. Although he wasn’t much good in magic, the albino had always tried to teach him so he was partly proficient. Then, he infused it with his will and the blessing from his amulet. If he was like a star before with the golden glow surrounding him, now he was like the sun. His whole being radiated a light that made all the darkness in the environment sizzle into nothingness. Even the grass close to him regained its vitality. He continued running toward the Lich, making sure his aim was true. Even if it tried to dodge, he always adjusted accordingly. Finally, he pierced the damned thing right on its head, making an ear-piercing scream ring out in the Virid Falls. But it wasn’t Ruse’s. No, it was the Lich’s. It writhed on the ground, recoiling from the incredibly heavy dose of holy energy that had been dealt to it. Its many eyes became bloodshot in pain, tears of blood falling from them. Slowly, its body began to burn. It tried to get away, for it knew that if he somehow distanced himself from Ruse, it could prevent its unlucky fate. However, the man made sure to never give it the chance. By the time the sun rose from the sky, the last of the Lich-Centipede had been burned to ashes. Ruse was nothing but jubilant, though. He made his way to where Cameron fell and prayed that he could somehow still be saved. If it wasn’t for him giving him all his mana, he would have never defeated the undead monarch. The blessing from the amulet was strong, sure, but that only gave him defense. Cameron’s sacrifice paved the way to turn that holy energy into an offence that could actually damage the enemy. In the grass, the albino painted a picturesque picture with his tranquil face and silver locks reflecting the first few morning rays. He was deathly still, and that made Ruse’s heart ache in anguish. The warrior picked him up gently and spoke, whispering to Cameron’s ear. “W-we still haven’t met the protagonist, Cam. D-don’t leave me like this…Without you, how can I face the overpowered main character? How can I…” Ruse’s voice cracked and he began to choke on his sobs. “How could I lose you?” Every memory he had of him and Cameron began playing out in his mind as the tears flowed down freely on his face. Since they were kids, they had always been together. As someone whose soul came from a parallel world without magic, he knew he had always weirded out the other children with his antics. Only Cameron dealt with him and even played along. They grew up in each other’s company, learning noble etiquette, studying in the academy and travelling around the continent. They shared dreams, moments and secrets. He never realized how precious the white-haired albino was to him until now. When he lost him. But suddenly, he felt a small movement in his arms. Ruse ceased his nostalgic mourning and focused all his attention to the person in his arms. Hope reignited in his heart. A second passed, then two, and then finally, Cameron’s chest heaved upward ever so slightly. He’s breathing…? To confirm he wasn’t hallucinating, he observed for a few more minutes. When the mage took three slow and feeble breaths, only then did Ruse finally believe it wasn’t a cruel prank by the fates. He rushed toward the nearest town and used a teleportation array to go back to their home kingdom, hiring the best healer he could afford with the treasures they accumulated from their adventuring. Then, he stayed beside the boy, waiting for the moment he woke up. Meanwhile, tales of their heroic exploits began spreading through the continent, earning them the reputation of mighty saviors who stopped the rise of the dreaded Lich before it could bring about chaos and destruction. After three months, Cameron stirred. He opened his eyes ever so slowly, “Ugh…what happened?” He muttered, voice hoarse from not speaking so long, as he sat up from the bed he was on. Ruse hurried over to hand him a goblet of water, which Cameron gladly accepted. As the other replenished his fluids, the black-haired warrior began telling him of how he managed to defeat the Lich as well as details of his affliction. “The amulet cured your poison, thankfully. But exhausting your mana made you enter a coma for three months. So that’s why you’re here.” Cameron nodded blankly. “I think I remember a bit of what happened…” He narrowed his eyes trying to recall. “You said… something about how you were going to face the protagonist without me…” He paused, suddenly realizing something. With an annoyed look on his face, he glared at Ruse and began ranting. “You know, given everything that’s happened so far, I think you’re the protagonist of this story. I mean, there isn’t exactly a rule that the main character needs a tragic past, and that’s practically all you’re missing.” Ruse widened his eyes at this, instantly reminded of his theory. “Well, you do make a point. But, if that were the case,” he looked downward and sighed. “I don’t want to be the main character!” He declared, crossing his arms rather childishly for someone already 20 years old. “A protagonist, especially a male one, usually ends his adventures with a harem of beauties or many suitors. I don’t want that!” Then, more quietly, he said: “I only want you.” There was a pregnant silence that followed after. Cameron widened his eyes, doing a double take at what he just heard. Although the Ruse tried to whisper, the words were still audible. In fact, since they were the only people in the room, only inches from each other, it was impossible for him to not hear. He processed the situation. After a few seconds, his face bloomed into a smile filled with relief and evident joy. “So it seems I’m not the only one who felt that way, huh?” He muttered. Right after, he replied to Ruse in a loving voice, wrapping his arms around the other playfully: “You know, there isn’t exactly a rule about the protagonist being straight either.”
The teacher isn't secretly a homophobe or something, right? Your little twist could have screwed over your grade...
Saw your tags, so I'll tell you this. Breaking the 4th wall will have a huge negative impact on your grade.
Thankfully, nah. She's one of the more open teachers we have. Oh, I hope not. That class was creative writing though, so I'm probably safe. Sorry But there was a notice at the start, so don't say I didn't warn you XD
A few mistakes here and there, but that's normal when you write at night lol. The story was nice, even gave me the feeling that it could be expanded into more chapters to include more of the characters' adventures and so on. I liked it .
Oh boy oh boy!! I really enjoyed reading this!! I read it secretly at work hahaha, it was a great pick-me-up to get through the day. When I first started I actually toggled the spoiler tag open and closed so many times because I saw those names and those physical descriptions and was like... You!! You there!! Ruse Calendula Larai!! With that name, you're clearly the protagonist! Who do you think you are calling yourself and your best friend Cameron Zenith Sielle cannon fodder, you're disrespecting all cannon fodders Girl A and Boy C!!! Once I actually got into the third or so paragraph of the story though, I loved it. This is a great play on tropes, and the story is a refreshing take on the "reincarnated genre-savvy protagonist" by upping the humor and having the POV come from the protagonist's best friend (and ML). I absolutely adored how many world-building details and action scenes you included in here. The pacing is perfect for a short story, and all the dialogue bits show good characterization and reveal the relationship dynamic between the two characters. You did so well with giving them real chemistry!! You can really feel how fond they are of each other!! The bromance to romance development works because you established a strong friendship basis and then added the momentum to make them want to get together. Bravo!! I see what you mean by the emotional scene at the end being rushed. It wrapped up overall pretty well, as it successfully concluded the driving premise (Who's the MC?) and also popped in a surprise side romance plot which, as mentioned earlier, you laid the foundation for earlier so didn't feel forced. Maybe there could've been another scene which showed hints of Cameron's feelings toward Ruse to further build tension regarding their changing relationship. Something else that I love about this story is how adventurous it feels! The RPG-like setup is pretty fun, and fits in the world of the otome-game-like nobility setting nicely. It's surprising that there aren't more litRPG-otomege mashups considering they both originate from JP novels. You really could expand this into a series if you wanted but it's also good as a oneshot. Also, another thing I have to praise you for is your writing voice and rhythm! You write like you're either an experienced writer or like you've read enough books to have absorbed the experience second-hand. Your grammar is excellent and your jokes land perfectly! You lead the reader very well from scene to scene by using time skips and jumps (btw I'm totally making up terms here so don't try to pick up anything from me, I'm just gushing). Though you said that it's too long for a short story, there actually weren't any scenes that felt like they needed to be cut, and you handled how much time each scene took with care. As the reader, I didn't feel like any of my time was wasted. Another thing! I admire how you seamlessly dropped a lot of pertinent info in between the characters' thoughts, so the reader gets to pick up all the dreadful backstory that fantasy writers have to throw at them while also being entertained by the characters' perceptions of things. Good job!! I don't know if you would like critique, but if so, well, the only thing I have to point out is the aforementioned use of character descriptions. Describing characters via hair color or elaborate wording is usually a flag that the story is written by an inexperienced writer. Things like "the black-haired raven" or "the sunny-haired blond" are most commonly used in fanfics, especially ones by teens. Since you're (probably) a teen you're not doing anything unusual, but for older audiences it's a turn-off to be constantly reminded of a character's appearance. The way a character looks should only be mentioned if it's relevant. For example, if the character's appearance causes a reaction or is compared to something new that has just entered the scene, or if something changes about the character's appearance that's important for the reader to know. Otherwise, if you're simply identifying which characters are performing which actions, it's absolutely perfect to just use their names. When you're writing it might feel awkward to have to keep repeating the characters' names over and over again, but the reader won't notice at all. Pronouns and names are the best way to go! Other possible identifiers could be job descriptions (ie the doctor, the mage), or even nicknames/insults (this idiot over there, the giant) depending on what tone you're trying to achieve, but it's important to not overuse those too much, either, or it begins to feel like purple prose. Furthermore, as I mentioned earlier (way earlier...) the biggest hurdle of this story for me was getting past the intro, specifically the appearance descriptions. Though it may be important to mention later on that your characters are handsome youths, when introducing someone to a story it's fine to be a little more plain with your descriptions, or perhaps to write it in with some humor. For me personally I attribute descriptions like "striking eyes" and "handsomely carved face" to what I read in pulp romance novels which aim to glorify the characters' beauty and make them seem desirable. In your intro, you're not trying to make your characters into someone you want your readers to do the do with, you're simply trying to introduce them. So, no need to paint them a beautiful portrait, just give us concrete and interesting details the way you might describe someone to a police profiler. "He had flowing, crimson hair like waves of lava" is somewhat embarrassing to read, but "He had long red hair that turned into waves at the bottom" is prompt, brief, and sets the image. It's just not as romantic to read, which shouldn't be a problem if you're not trying to establish a romantic mood. Similarly, introducing the character's age in that kind of adjective-like way is also jarring. It's okay to put off describing how old they are until you find a good spot to slip it in. I think you did it fairly well later in the story, when one of them (Cam?) said that they were now 20. Anyway!! Looks like I wrote an entire essay about your short story hahaha. I really did enjoy it. I hope you get a good grade, and if you like writing then please keep writing more!!
Thank you! Sadly, I try to avoid making actual novels since I almost never finish those I make. So one-shots are perfect for me. Thanks for the in-depth critique! I really learned a lot from this. The matter about overusing descriptions in the character was something I actually didn't know. I read tons of books and most of them do the same, so I didn't realize that readers tend to dislike those flowery words. Even the bit about referring to them within the prose using these descriptions. You're right on the fact that it seems awkward repeating names in the story when writing, but now that you mention it, it doesn't really seem bad when it's being read. On the contrary, using descriptions sounds weirder, especially when I just pop in their ages like that. Thanks for pointing these out! And I'm honored you took the time to write that much, and your advice is really useful, too! Thanks again.
It all depends on what you're writing of course; if you're making a historical novel ala Brontë then you'll be able to load up with as much metaphor and sweeping description as you can fit. Just for this particular story, since it has so much lightness and energy, the descriptive language for the characters felt out of place XD Thanks for considering the things I said so seriously hahaha, to be honest I just gushed and spilled out every thought in my head. I'll be glad if any of it is useful, but mainly what I hope you take away from it is that I really enjoyed your story! If you write more, I hope you'll post them for us to read.