Novel World Enemy / Silver Crusader

Discussion in 'Community Fictions' started by bullistic, Sep 17, 2017.

  1. bullistic

    bullistic Well-Known Member

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    Hi, this is the first chapter of something I have been working on. Would love your critique!

    Title: World Enemy / Silver Crusader

    [I am definitely in another world]


    I was sitting on top of a root of a gigantic tree in the “The Thinker” pose. Surrounding me was a forest of 10 meter thick red maple trees that towered like skyscrapers. The sun was peaking through the leaves up above me, so it seems like it is around noon.


    Earlier today I was playing the VRMMO <Light’s Savior> and was heading back to a town to hand in a quest. A strange portal had appeared in front of me and out of curiousity I jumped in. Then I lost consciousness and woke up laying on the forest floor.


    I cold breeze blows past me and I shiver. My body is muscular and large, just like my character in the game. However I am naked. It seems that although I got my avatar’s body, my gear did not make the journey.


    How do I know this is another world? First of all, the air is fresh and devoid of any pollution. Back on earth, the air felt heavy when you went outside. People actually sold cans of fresh air. This place on the other hand, felt like 100% pure oxygen. The other reason I know that this isn’t earth is because of the giant two headed bird that is circling above me. Even though earth had pollution there definitely weren’t two-headed, three meter long birds flying around.


    I suddenly got up and ran in between the trees. The bird kept following behind me. I felt it’s eyes gaze on me with bloodlust.


    [I don’t taste good, please leave!] I yelled out.


    I would be much more confident with confronting the bird if I had some sort of weapon, but all I have are my fists. If the bird continues to treat me like prey then I will have to fight back, but I really don't want to!


    My instincts told me to dive to the side and as I do so the birds claws graze my butt. It hurts! I can feel blood coming from my behind and it stings!


    <Heal>


    I think of casting the basic healing spell from the game and a golden light wraps around me. The stinging sensation goes away. Magic get! I still have my spells!


    Turning around I glare at the bird. It flew back up into the sky after its first attack. I’ve decided to test one of my long range holy attacks.


    I think <Judgement> and hold out my hand like I do in the game. A golden hammer flies out of my palm and nails the bird in the chest. The bird explodes into a mist of blood and feathers that rain down. It’s much more gory than in the game…


    The remains of the bird are painted onto the surrounding trees. I didn’t manage to escape either and have bits of bird and feathers all over my body.


    Now I definitely need to find a river. I probably look like a psycho, running through the woods naked, covered in blood. Best be leaving this place before the stench of blood attracts other animals.


    I continue running between the trees. My stamina doesn’t seem to end but I am starting to get hungry.


    Suddenly I hear a girl’s scream. I stop and look around. I hear another yell, of a man this time. It seems to be coming from the left. I get closer and closer and look from behind a tree. There is a dirt path and two people; a young girl and a old man with a cart surrounded by three men. The men are definitely bandits.


    [Give us the girl and the food old man, we won’t ask again] said the bandit with a bushy brown beard, he must be the leader. The two other bandits grin; one was fat while the other had all his front teeth missing.


    They are slowly getting closer to their two victims like a pack of wolves. Their swords are drawn.


    I would have jumped out right away but once again, I am nude. It might frighten the girl and old man. I don't want to be arrested for public nudity. Plus the bandits look really mean.


    The girl starts crying in the old man’s embrace. I guess there is no choice. I step out, from behind the tree and approach the scene.


    The bandits and their victims hear the crackling of branches and look at me. They are all shocked. My manhood is on full display. Hey, it’s not like this is a hobby of mine.


    No one is saying a word. I’m really bad at these sort of situations. My mind races... what to say…


    [I need your cloths, your boots, and your motor… your weapons.]
     
  2. bullistic

    bullistic Well-Known Member

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    Sorry just realized I should have posted it in Community Fictions, any way of deleting this thread?
     
  3. Noche

    Noche New Member

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    Nope
     
    Sharudeis likes this.
  4. Shio

    Shio Moderator Staff Member

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    Moved
     
  5. gaulby

    gaulby [Space Rabbit] [Rappy Slaughterer] [Eviscerator]

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    hmm... this is the first time I'd critique and I'm just a new author so you could take this a bit lightly.

    Although it's not actually a must, dialogues are often enclosed in double quotes "Hello." while inner monologues or thoughts are italicized.

    Another recommendation is rather than saying it as a 'thinker pose' i think it's better to describe it.
    e.g.

    Leaning forward, elbow above the knee, and lips resting on my knuckle, I thought. I'm definitely in another world.

    Surrounded by thick, towering maple-like trees, I sat on a gigantic root. With a gentle light shining through the leaves, the sun peeked, casting a shadow hinting that the time was around noon.

    Another is you should separate sentences that point to a different topic.

    e.g.
    I cold breeze blows past me and I shiver. My body is muscular and large, just like my character in the game. However I am naked. It seems that although I got my avatar’s body, my gear did not make the journey.

    should be like this.

    A chill ran through my body the cold breeze passed through the forest.

    It seems like my body is similar to that of my avatar in the game. However, my gear is missing leaving me nothing but naked.


    I also recommend using Grammarly or reverso.net to check your grammar. But don't worry it's fine to start like this, you'll start to notice your mistakes as you continue writing. (Although editing is hell)

    I hope you get what I mean, since I'm bad at explaining especially when it comes to english.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017