Help Me Be a Better Writer!!!

Those are nouns. His adjectives are like that.

MC is partially based after me.

That's how I speak.

I can't be flexible with his vocabulary, as it will KILL his characterisation.

 

As a note, sfx are not always needed, they can be replaced with a sentence and be more effective, I think. I'm not really a fan of sfx in the first place... For example:

-The sirens are wailing with repetitive beeps, red lights incessantly flashing, dyeing everything in crimson.

Aaand the beeps are gone.

Replacing sounds with words is more descriptive, I think.

Another example, if a character is driving and then the car crashes, instead of having the character driving peacefully and then just writing CRASH!!...

Xxx turned in the next intersection. He liked the scenery in this particular road, his eyes drifting to the red maple leaves complimenting the grass of the park that came into view in the driver's side. Suddenly,

CRASH!!

----

Xxx turned in the next intersection. He liked the scenery in this particular road, his eyes drifting to the red maple leaves complimenting the grass of the park that came into view in the driver's side.

Suddenly, a loud crash accompanied by a grand vibration assaulted him...

---

If you are going to describe what's going on anyway, then don't write the sounds, incorporate them. Let the reader feel the sound themselves.

If the mc is in a concert and suddenly some instrument goes BOOM, write 'the sudden boom of the instrument reverberated within xxxx's chest, invading their ears and deafening them for a while.'

----

Also, at the beginning, the MCs panic reduces a bit the sense of urgency.

He spaced out for too long, I don't believe someone with 10 years of experience in that field would panic for that long, even if he never expected that outcome. So, I recommend you either have him be shocked for some time, then have him try to come with countermeasures, while switching these shocked thoughts to in between his decision making and the dialogue with the others. If you make a panicked situation, then make the reader feel panicked too; the danger is upcoming, the characters need to move fast.

 

Ouch.

I think I'll create a Google Doc then. I'm on my phone though, so no MS word.

 

Agree

 

He didn't space out for that long? The info he conveyed when he spaced out, was something that he absolutely needed to convey to the reader. I had to introduce it in the prologue, or the rest of the story won't make sense. That's the only way I saw to introduce it.

Nevertheless, he hasn't lost before. Notice, that he didn't say the words 'lose' or 'weak' until the end of the prologue.

His previous motto was "Ne Plus Ultra". He has never lost before, so was incredulous. Incredulous, and shocked. I was also trying to convey the magnitude of that shock.

 

I think it is quite good overall for the prologue.

one thing that put me off with the story is when he found the answer why he lose at the end. weak. just that.The MC is intelligent, he prepared against everything, with countless countermeasure for every scenario, yet he still lose. In the end his friend says to his face that he is weak. That is part good, but at the end he is just rambling at how weak he is how he lose everything because he is weak and then want to be stronger. On this part, instead of him lamenting on how weak he is, it would be better instead for him to be questioning why his friend say he is weak. he is too dependent on the panopticon, he formulate good plan but always avoid risking his friend to achieve the goal, etc. the MC trust his friend, if he say he weak, then he probably is. but his intelligent mind would question himself why his friend say he is weak. it is okay if he find why he is weak immediately, but you should explain what kind weakness it is. you can't have vague concept of being weak and strong with the story focusing on mind game. or you can also continue with him still looking for answer and then someday he realize what his friend meant.

 

You think I should scrap the beeping?

In its defence though, good SFX is just more powerful than describing the sounds. I think it's called Onomatopoeia.

I'll scrap the beeping, if it detracts from the story, but I can't scrap the SFX of the Nuclear explosion.

 

You're going to love chapter 1, once I've rewritten it.

I can answer your questions, but it's massive spoilers.

The last few paragraphs, we're the MC's second rebirth. His second epiphany. It's very decisive for his life. His life was forever changed that day.

 

Spoiler

But he is.

 

I'll add it then.

 

I think it's a matter of personal opinion. I don't like sfxs in my novels the same way I don't like veggies in my rice xD some people do. but it's a good resource for you to know that not all sounds have to be sfx'd.

 

Do you have any other critique.

 

Repetition is fine--it can add flavor to a text because of its emphasis, but too much flavoring and you lose the taste of your dish beneath it. So think of it like saffron--a delicate spice to be added here and there to highlight and contrast what you want to say. It's almost the same principle when you're spelling a word, for example. Pick any word you like and write it down. Then write the same word ten times. Then a hundred times. By the time you're done, it's likely that the word itself will distort and look strange to you--as if the spelling is wrong, or as if the word itself is nothing more than a random jumble of meaningless letters.

This is the effect that overuse of repetition has on your prose. If you really feel the need to repeat yourself, you can do it in more subtle ways that are just as (or even more) effective. Space out rhetorical questions with a sentence or two. Don't use more than two questions in a row. Add synonyms or phrases. Still, use them sparingly. Once the reader gets what you're trying to say, it just gets tiring reading the same thing over again, rehashed in different ways. You may like your potatoes, but could you force them down as the main course of every single meal? Additionally, repetition is a device that slows down your writing by nature, forcing the reader to focus on what has been said before. It's a good breather in the middle of action, but too much of it and you'll lose momentum; the prose will stall and your readers' excitement will drop.

Overall, I still have to say this is better than the first version of your prologue. The text isn't as dense (though it's still jam-packed with info), and you've taken the time to show us glimpses into your character as well. I see you've been incorporating the suggestions you got from RRL, which is good. I understand that you're still starting out, so I won't demand you create a perfect story straight away, but there are still aspects of this prologue you can polish. For now, I recommend you focus on pruning your repetition. Here's a short article that sort of explains what I feel about it as a writing device (you can finish it in 2 minutes): http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/07/05/the-power-of-repetition/

Less is more. Less is more. Less. Is. More.

(Ironically, I had to repeat that to make my point. Hahah~)

 

What repetition would you suggest I cut out?

Things I'm not cutting out:
"Stronger", and "weak". These two HAVE to stay.


I'm willing to deal with the other repetitions. Which one do you think needs to go.

The protagonist's reaction when he found out they were under attack, was incredulity, shock, disbelief.

How? How could it happen? Where did I go wrong?

I'm conveying the protagonist's thoughts. He does think like that. He first rejects it. How? Wasn't I flawless? Weren't my preparations perfect? Then tries to solve it: Where was the error? When was the error?

I'm writing from first person POV. There are things that I can't do, without killing the POV character. I will appreciate suggestions to make the repetition less boring to the reader though.

 

Same one as Ruyi.

Your MC is highly experienced, and seems to be living for the second time or having a second chance. Meaning his thoughts won't be the same as a young person; he won't dwelve in unnecessary thoughts for long, and if he does, he will still priorize taking action and do what he must, analize his surroundings and the situation and coming to a solution as fast as possible.

He is not a common person, don't make him think/behave like a common person. It's fine if he has insecurities and fears and is she'll shocked, but after living in the manner you described, reacting to any, ANY situation as fast as possible while analyzing all Intel and possible outcomes will be a second nature to him, so his thoughts will be separated in two: the ones which control and dictate his actions as if he is a machine hell bent in not losing/dying and make him take fast decisions, and the thoughts that refuse to accept the reality. How you weave or manage these two lines of thoughts while still keeping a sense of urgency will perfect your MC.

Remember, be coherent with your characters. Their history and life experiences become undeletable scars in their character, and you as the author are the one who must never forget this the most.

 

The one paragraph I have the most issue with would be this one:

That is all. There was my answer. I am WEAK. Weakness, that is my sin. That is why I had to sacrifice my brothers. Because of my weakness I have lost the last two humans I'd loved. Due to my weakness, I'm fleeing into the night, tail between my legs; the beaten dog that I am. As a consequence of my weakness, I have lost the fruit of my last decade of labour. Owing to my weakness, I am powerless; a king without a kingdom. A player with naught but one piece. Affected by my weakness, I am lonely; deprived of my nakama. Weakness that is my sin.
​

and

Stronger, stronger, and stronger. Yet stronger again. Stronger, and stronger and stronger. I'll never lose again. Stronger, stronger, stronger. I'll keep on getting stronger, continuing surpassing myself, stronger without any end in sight. I shall wake up each new day stronger than the last.​

I understand you're trying to emphasize his weakness/improving strength, but so much repetition of the same word dilutes its power and effectiveness. Also, you're using lots of bulky words when simpler ones would send a stronger message. Your sentence structure is more or less the same throughout, which makes your prose sound "flat." There's a lack of variation in rhythm, flow, and cadence. Hmm, I'll do a sample re-write of it at the bottom to explain what I mean. As for your other questions~

You could either try:

How? Where did I go wrong?​

or

How could it happen? Where did I go wrong?​

The extra 'how' there is a little redundant. You don't need two when one will do. Then your readers will focus on the message, rather than that extra third question mark in the same line.

All right, back to your paragraph/passage. This is just a re-write for stylistic purposes. For the sample below, I will try my best to keep to your goals of 1) using repetition, 2) 1st person POV, 2) keep "weak" and "strong" in there somewhere

Spoiler: Original Passage

That is all. There was my answer. I am WEAK. Weakness, that is my sin. That is why I had to sacrifice my brothers. Because of my weakness I have lost the last two humans I'd loved. Due to my weakness, I'm fleeing into the night, tail between my legs; the beaten dog that I am. As a consequence of my weakness, I have lost the fruit of my last decade of labour. Owing to my weakness, I am powerless; a king without a kingdom. A player with naught but one piece. Affected by my weakness, I am lonely; deprived of my nakama. Weakness that is my sin.​

I can't remain like this, I can't remain in sin. I can't remain weak.

A stream of water running down my face, I scream:

"TSUYOKU NARITAI!!!"

Stronger, stronger, and stronger. Yet stronger again. Stronger, and stronger and stronger. I'll never lose again. Stronger, stronger, stronger. I'll keep on getting stronger, continuing surpassing myself, stronger without any end in sight. I shall wake up each new day stronger than the last.

"Tsuyoku Naritai."

My new oath.​

​

Spoiler: Ruyi Version

There was my answer. I was WEAK, and that was my sin. Because of that, I had to sacrifice my brothers. Because of that, I lost the last two humans I loved. It sent me fleeing into the night with my tail between my legs like the beaten dog I'd become. Ten years of labors were lost, the fruits fallen and forgotten. Now I was powerless, a king without a kingdom, a player--with naught but one piece. Plagued by its curse, I was lonely; deprived of my nakama, weak.

I can't stay like this. I won't remain in sin. I can't be weak!

A trail of tears streamed down my face as I screamed.​

"TSUYOKU NARITAI!!!"

I had to get stronger. More and more, stronger and stronger again. I would never lose a second time. I'd keep striving forward--make myself better--make my strength higher--continuing to surpass myself without end. Each day, I vowed to wake up stronger than the last.

Tsuyoku Naritai.

My new oath.​

Main focus of this was to keep the spirit/meaning of the passage and bolster the strength of its message. Attempts were made to preserve the original structure/phrasing of the text. Tenses were adjusted for uniform tense throughout.

Rewriting focused on adjusting the "flow" of the piece, especially sentence structure/syntax, while repeated repetitions of the same word were replaced with pronouns or indicated by context clues in the text. Author may have used too many dashes because she likes them, oops.

​

​

Both the original and rewritten versions of your paragraphs follow the "tell" instead of "show" approach. I personally feel that "showing" resonates with your readers more in this case--an emotionally-driven prologue--but it's your story so I won't force you to change your style.

Hope that helps.

EDIT: Fixed some minor errors here and there, changed a few words for clarity.

 

It's a minor point in your prologue but I think it's worth bringing up: you need to understand the limitations and constraints of first-person narrative. There are things that you can write in third-person narrative that simply don't work in first-person.

Specifically, the lines in which Lancelot is describing the expression on his own face. No one does that. Think about it, how many times do you stop and mentally go over what kind of expression you're making? Unless you're an actor or are otherwise specifically trying to project a certain image, the answer is probably never. And no one, in an emergency, is even going to think about listing every variation in their expression, unless they want to do something with it (for example, if they can tell that their façade is crumbling, or if they're trying to look reassuring even though inwardly, they're panicking).

Other people can describe his expression. He can describe the expressions of others. But unless he is being portrayed as a character who deliberately observes himself even in an emergency, he cannot describe himself as he would other people. I'm sorry to belabour the point, but it really irritates me when writers treat first-person narrators as though they were third-person ones. One of the strengths of first-person narrative is that it's quicker to get closer to the narrator, and it really breaks immersion when they do something blatantly "narrator-like" rather than "character-like".

(For example, when a character suddenly stops and gives a detailed description of what they look like for no reason whatsoever. Again, no one does that. You can have a character describe their appearance, sure, but not in the same way that a third-person narrator would. Same with world-building: why is Character A explaining, say, the country's political set-up? What, in the course of their day, has led them to need to do so?)

When it comes to giving information, you have to constantly juggle what the reader needs to know and what the character can plausibly provide in any given context. And if that means that the readers have to wait another chapter or two to receive non-crucial information, so be it. The character is there to live their lives, not spoon-feed information to the reader.

With all that said, this prologue is much better than the original one, in large part (to me at least) because we're catching Lancelot in mid-action rather than being treated to a fairly random exposé of his situation. I also think the rhythm of your sentences flows much better and makes for more stimulating reading.

 

He's never lost though. He's never lost. He's going through disbelief, rejection.


He hasn't ever lost AT ALL.

 

I thought I brought across the MC, making countermeasures when he was told to snap out of it.

Also, he was running away from the truth, from what he needed to do. Once he stopped and faced reality, there might be a need to sacrifice his brothers. He didn't want to do that. Didn't want to accept reality.

Even his first suggestion was a fluke of a suggestion.

He already had plans and countermeasures for the failure. He merely needed to give authorisation for them to carry out the appropriate plan.


So he was prepared, he was shocked as well.

 

I will go and fix that. I will cut that out.