A Girlfriend

I've been getting asked this a fair amount of times in recent months: why don't you have a girlfriend, do you even like girls?

And to that I would say: yes, I do like girls, they're pretty and smell nice, and their smiles are something I would sacrifice no small amount for.

And then they would press on: then why don't you have a girlfriend?

And I would give them one of the many reasons that were technically true but also not completely. Most of it would be reasons related to simple doubt: they're way out of my league, long distance is a bitch, I'm just not interested in having a relationship.

And again, all of these reasons are true in part, as I do think all of these things, but if I were to say that these tiny reasons were wholly why I've never tried to get a girlfriend before, then I would be lying.

The main reason is because it would be too painful. Not the ending part, as there must always be one, and it is something that I would indeed dread, but the painful part to me is just the general idea of it: having a girlfriend.

Now you might say: what's so painful about that, wouldn't that be nice - the very opposite of painful?

And to explain that I'll share a story:
When I was in middle school, my class went on a field trip to the zoo. A girl had left her umbrella somewhere, and being the kid that I was, I ran off to go get it. I'd be lying if I didn't say I had left at least the tiniest bit heroic, imagining that the girl would thank me like some noble knight, and I would bow graciously in welcome to the gratitude, but I think most boys are like that. This was many years ago, so I don't exactly remember how I found it, but I do recall it involving a lot of running around and that I did eventually find it.

Now here was the trouble, I had lost the group I was assigned to. This was back in the days where most kids didn't have cell phones, so I was in a bit of a pickle. Luckily, I had run into another group from our school, and one of the kids there did actually have a cell phone; they called the chaperone of my group and all was well, or at least that's what I had thought. I was completely oblivious, I suppose I still am, though hopefully a little less. I like to do what I feel is right, without much care for consequences. I know I should probably think things through more, but that would seem so much less fun, in my eyes at least.

So I returned to the bus and gave the girl back her umbrella; it was a far more casual affair than I had imagined; it was on the bus and it was about to leave, and I had been tired out from all the running around. And so when we returned, or perhaps the day after, you'll have to excuse my poor memory, as this was a long time ago, I was called into the school's office; a long table of four or five people sat in front of me, and as I stood in front of them, wrapped in their silence, I felt I was being judged rather harshly, though for what reason I knew not a clue at the time. They were scolding me for leaving my group. I don't recall if I tried to explain myself or simply kept silent. Many times it's best to simply take the punishment silently, even if you felt you did nothing wrong, and I think I was wise enough to know that at that age.

Now you may be wondering what does this have anything to do with having a girlfriend. And to that I say I'm getting there.

They told me I had worried the chaperone, that she cared about me. I don't recall if those were the exact words, but it was something to that effect. I broke down sobbing and crying at that very instant. I didn't know why, and the table of people looking at me seemed just as confused, they wanted to make sure I knew what I did was wrong, but they didn't intend to make a little kid cry their eyes out.

It was way too painful, being told that someone cared about me. I was and still am very sad and very lonely, but I don't really realize or feel it. Because I've always been alone. The idea of someone caring about me, the contrast to my loneliness, it is a pain I cannot bear.

I'm happy as I am, though I suppose that sounds like the biggest lie ever conceived. It would be more painful for me to be loved than to be thought nothing. I'm not afraid of what will happen, of the unknown. I know what will happen, and I choose a different path, I choose to steer in the other direction.

Though I do expect to fall in love someday, against my own volition, but I'll deal with that ordeal when it comes.