An otokonoko wonders about stuff #11

To read previous posts in this blog series, click here.

Heyaaa, it's been a long time since I've written something here, right?

Lately I've gotten back to using omegle again, and I've made a tumblr to dump my omegle conversations. Most of the conversations are about politics, but so far I've had one or two related to gender. Yesterday, I ran into someone on the #nonbinary tag that reminded me of a few things, so here I am on NUF today writing a blog!

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When I was talking to this nonbinary stranger, I realized over the course of the conversation that I'm an incredibly lucky and fortunate person. During the entirety of my journey over the past decade, I have always been safe and loved. I never needed to go to dangerous places, and I had people in the background supporting me (whether or not I wanted to lean on them). I didn't need to worry about money, I was never kicked out of the house by my family, and I didn't need to worry about being physically and emotionally abused by people who have "tranny fetishes".

I'm engaged to the most amazing person in the world, I'm in love, and I have a job.

I am so ridiculously lucky that it's not even something to smile about.

I'm lucky because there are so many transgender people who are very very very similar to me, but have gone through so much terrible shit simply because they live in a different place than I do -- or because they weren't as lucky as me to have supportive friends or a family.

And it's humbling to think that if I had been born somewhere else, I wouldn't be the lighthearted ohko or (insert-clone-name-here) that many people know me to be. It's scary to think of living in something like a constant nightmare, barely able to breath because the walls of the world are just so crushing.

It just gives some perspective.

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I think it's really hard to summarize the person I was talking to, but I think this line summarizes the gist of the conversation:

" irl no ones using my correct pronouns, i get called faggot and tranny, but in bed, these men want my body for what it is "​

Those words, at least to me, illustrate something so dark (yet so common) about the transgender umbrella experience. There is just this depressing hole of negativity that people find themselves in, and it's so hard to see where any light is going to come from.

I think it's really painful to watch people struggle, desperate to do anything that makes the suffering in their head a tiny bit better.

I feel like I can relate to many of pieces of it, although I haven't personally experienced things to such extremes. Even me (with all the fortunate things I have in my life), my self-esteem isn't good. I think of myself as repulsive and ugly. I can relate to the impulsive desire of being wanted by somebody... anybody... even if it means basically being used like a dirty rag by fetishizing men who don't care about you.

I've gone through years feeling worthless.

Since I would think that I'm worthless, I would feel desperate enough to give up anything to convince people to stay with me. I wouldn't mind being used, exploited, abused, or mistreated. If you don't think you have much worth, the bar is set so low that it is self-destructive.

I know what that feels like.

And it's terribly damaging to succumb to the feelings of worthlessness.

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I'm not kidding when I say that I think NUF saved me. Novel Updates Forum happened to appear at a time in my life when things were very hard, and I found a community of people who helped give me a sense of self-worth.

I think I am forever indebted to the guys I crushed over — who were understanding and sympathetic. Even though they couldn't reciprocate my feelings, they didn't see me as just trope, and they spoke to the person underneath my skin. They gave me confidence and could make me laugh.

I'm am indebted to my friends, who always told me that they see a kind person behind the computer monitor. They liked the person who was the core of me — regardless of my gender identity or which clone I happened to be using. They helped me develop a sense of my identity that I'm proud and comfortable about.

I'm also indebted to everyone I interacted with — who by the virtue of purely crossing paths, gave me the opportunity to explore different ways of expressing myself. It has enormously helped my sense of self-worth to know that there are people who like me even though they don't know anything about my gender.

NUF has given me a lot of confidence.

And I think because of that confidence and self-worth, I think my life trajectory has been positive in the recent years.

However, I think many transgender people have this underlying feeling: "because I am trans, I am worthless."

It's very hard to fight that feeling. But fighting that feeling is so important, and the people who gave me a sense of self-worth were the ones who saved me.