An otokonoko wonders about stuff #8

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ohko

【LGBTQ+ association】 【ohko is ohko!】
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Ah~ It's the holiday season!

I've actually been writing extremely prolifically over the past week thanks to the opening of ScribbleHub, and so far I've invested a lot of time and emotional energy into the novel I started. Even though the title is pretty sleazy, It's actually just clickbait (sshh!). >.< ...Well, it's more like the novel has evolved a bit from it's original intentions, so tbh I'm not even that sure if the title/synopsis reflects the overall themes of the story anymore.

In either case, there's a lot of very heavy emotional stuff going into the series, so if you like the blogs I write (either on this account or elsewhere), you might like the novel I’m writing because it deals with family emotional stuff.

Anyways, this post today is long overdue. I've actually been thinking about this topic for quite some time, but I've procrastinated on writing about it because it's a fairly controversial topic that I know that many ordinary people are liable to insta-cringing if they knew this certain detail about the real me.

Well, here's go nothing! Let's go for the low-hanging fruit first.

What's it like for a girl to date ohko-san?

I think the first time I came out to my online female friends that I was an otokonoko, I think one of the reactions they had was my girlfriend (who I've been dating for six years, cohabitating for two years) must be really lucky to have a guy who will chat about BL with her, cook, do household chores, generally understand women better, etc.

XD I guess it's definitely true to an extent. Though it's also double-sided in other ways.

Our relationship is definitely a strange one.

My girlfriend is actually two years older than me and was actually my osananajimi (childhood friend) growing up, so we actually know each other extremely well. In some ways, we are definitely still kids in the way that we interact with each other.

The other thing to keep in mind is that my girlfriend is also the main breadwinner in our relationship. Her salary is about 2-3x higher than my current one is (although I'm still in an education path), although she's also busier than me and works longer hours. On many nights, she doesn't get home until 9 or 10 pm.

Since I have more time than her, it often ends up that I'm doing most of the household chores. I do pretty much everything inside and outside the house (mow lawn, wash dishes, etc.). Sometimes I also cook twice on the nights that she comes home late because I normally like to have my dinner at regular person time. xD

The only downside is that my girlfriend has higher standards for cleanliness than I do, so the house is never clean enough. :blobsweat_2::blobsweat_2::blobsweat_2:

Though tbh, these days there are a lot of really sweet guys that will do those kind of things for their love anyways. For instance, my old roommate is a real cutie, gentle, will cook for you, and he's a real clean-freak! If I were a girl I would have definitely gone for him hahahaha.

What else...?

Oh watching reality television is really interesting.

Since I generally like guys more than I like girls, obviously I will end up commenting about the guys. The hilarious part is that my girlfriend and I share extremely similar tastes, so we'll literally be thinking the exact same things at the exact same time. Actually just yesterday we were watching REA(L)OVE which is a stupidly offensive japanese dating show on Netflix and I was totally rubbing it in that the guy I had my eyes on since the beginning turned out to be one of the best ones on the show, whereas hers turned out to be a bit more unfortunate. :blobjoy::blobjoy::blobjoy:

Technically, this is also where we run into problems.

Both my girlfriend like quite stereotypically masculine guys, and obviously I'm not much like that at all. XD

I can definitely act it (fake out it; plan out some behavior), and apparently it's reasonably effective since well... (basically if it would work for me it would probably work for my girlfriend too... cough *seme*). :blobjoy:However, it's really exhausting for me, and I don't really like faking it because in the end it's not really /me/. A little roleplay is fine, but in the end it's basically roleplaying for me.

Dating is one of the places where it's a little awkward for me.

Sex is definitely also one of the peculiar points.

We have to catch each other mutually at the right time, or else one of us will be off-sync. At this rate, I think for us it ends up being about once a month I guess? It usually ends up being funny in some way or another, but it's definitely complicated for us in certain ways that is in't for other couples, I think.

So upsides and downsides!

The emotional part of our relationship is definitely really strong though.
Do you crossdress?

Yup! I've been cross-dressing since college, though the meaning of this isn't exactly the same as what you might think.

First of all, I don't really think of it as crossdressing because it's my clothes. That's sort of the first rule for me. Early on, my girlfriend offered to let me try her clothes, but I didn't want to because that just seemed perverted to me somehow? And I don't crossdress to jack off (which is what I think most people assume of crossdressers?).

In either case, all of the clothes I wear is all my own that I buy. In this sense, it's just my clothes that sometimes I wear and sometimes I don't. I think of it as my clothes and that's it.

Second of all, I don't crossdress to appear like a girl. This is a critical point too because most people assume that crossdressers go all-out with makeup and everything. In fact, I've never done that once and I've been crossdressing for at least three years now. I don't crossdress to impress anyone else visually. In fact, I only crossdress for myself, and even then I don't even look at myself in the mirror. Obviously, I don't go outside crossdressed and I only do it when I'm home.

100% of all of the female clothing I own, I own solely because I think it's comfy in some way.

If it looks uncomfortable, I don't buy it. :blobsweat_2::blobsweat_2::blobsweat_2:

This usually means that I almost never have a full "female outfit" on at once.

I mix and mash between male and female clothing all the time. In fact, basically all the female clothes I own could basically either be classified as sweatpants or tanks or just things that girls would chill around in home in... because well... that's what I do. :blobsweat_2::blobsweat_2::blobsweat_2:

I'm not going to walk around the house in high heels and a pencil skirt while I'm doing homework, writing an essay, watching TV, or doing laundry. That's just silly. I have stuff to do you know??? I actually don't even own a dress of any kind.

I'm not trying to impress anybody. That's not why I crossdress.

Honestly, it's been more than three years and I don't even think of it as crossdressing anymore.

It's just my clothes. I don't really have that many more words for it. Sometimes I wear black socks and other days I wear white socks. Sometimes I wear skirts and other times I wear shorts. *shrugs* There's really no reason anymore other than "I feel like it" now.
Why do you crossdress?

I started crossdressing in college during the period I was having heavy gender dysphoria.

Basically, crossdressing helped me manage my gender dysphoria and made myself feel better. You can think of it as self-medicating in a sense.

How to portray it... during my college, my head would constantly be filled with a constant spiral of depressing thoughts:

"You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. You're not a real girl. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [I]Ugly. [/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I][/I]"

^ Something like that. On infinite repeat. It doesn't stop.

Looking at mirrors definitely made my gender dysphoria worse back then. Honestly, it was the same thing about any part of me that was obviously masculine, like facial hair stubble, certain male sexual organs, my voice, my shoulders... lots of things are triggering!

I think gradually, I figured out a lot of things that would help me feel better and calm myself down.

Obviously, getting rid of the body hair. >.<

Also throwing out all the mirrors that you have in your room.

Crossdressing was another one of them.

Initially, I just bought a tank top and just wore it to sleep, because well... my gender dysphoria was always worse at night, and that's where I needed the help. After that, I basically just had a large variety of different girl clothes I just used as pajamas.

I also had female underwear.

Those were basically for wearing underneath my clothes when I needed to go outside, particularly on the days that I was feeling especially anxious, needed courage, or couldn't afford to be distracted by stupid things like gender dysphoria.

For instance, sometimes I wore a sports bra (no cup, obviously, because I'm flat) underneath a sweater.

And that's basically it!

That's the extent of my crossdressing.

Several years later, I figured myself out a lot better (e.g. I think of myself as non-binary now), and my gender dysphoria improved. I still crossdress fairly frequently largely because of habit though. I mean, at this point I'm just used to it. Over time it just became a part of you that you just sort of forget about because it's there all the time.

I mean, clothes are clothes. Is there really that much more meaning to it?

I crossdress fairly casually, and not for the camera, so I guess that sums it up?​

What does your girlfriend think of you crossdressing?

Well, I thought she would have more of a reaction in the beginning, but honestly she didn't even bat an eye.

At this point, I think she's just super used to it.

Actually sometimes she teases that I'm in "wife-mode" when I'm coincidentally wearing a skirt and doing housework (which is about like... well I wear skirts about 50% of the time regardless of what I'm doing at home, these days). It's just all good-natured stuff.

I don't crossdress for sex though.

It's mostly because my girlfriend is straight and she's just not attracted to that. XD

But I mean, I don't really have any desire to crossdress for ero things in the first place. I think at that point it just becomes a fetish, and I don't have that fetish. *shrugs* In the end, it's just clothes to me.
Do you have any plans to do "all-out" crossdressing?

Nope, not really.

While I think it's pretty cool how crossdressers online can manipulate their camera angles and everything to capture the most feminine shots of themselves that make them appear like girls, I actually hate cameras.

Besides, 90% of the time, it's all about getting the right angle.

Photographs + ohko = Not happy

Honestly, I think it's pretty tedious and takes too much work and all of that stuff.

It takes wayyyy too much effort to figure out how perfect makeup, finding clothes that are flattering for your body type, redoing my hair entirely, and lots of different things I really don't have an interest for when it's just for a photograph.

Also, you can ask any girl, but shopping for clothes is depressing.

So many things look bad after you try them on and accentuates the wrong things (and expensive)! Q_Q If you're a guy on a shopping date with a girl, please understand this is the reason why it takes forever to buy clothes and they need to keep going in and out of changing rooms............

I don't have the heart or energy to do that, so in short, I shop comfy at that's it. XD​

Comments

    1. SummerForest Jan 3, 2019
      @Loni4ever, it is strange that women wearing pants are not seen as crossdressers, but powerdressers. When I was a teenager I was the only girl in my locality wearing denims but no one ever referred to me as a crossdresser.
    2. Loni4ever Dec 30, 2018
      This kinda makes me think of how sometime in the past, it would probably be seen as crossdressing for women to wear pants. But not anymore :blob_grin: the way you describe it, I also don't think the word "crossdressing" fits for your clothing behaviour... it kinda isn't the same if the intent to seem like that gender isn't there. Like, if I saw some guy wearing a dress and not acting differently at all, I'd at first be like "probably ... crossdressing", but then I'd be like "but is he really :hmm:" XD
    3. ohko Dec 30, 2018
      @Katsono Well, everyone's reference points are different! I'm actually quite satisfied with our frequency, and really every couple is different and has different needs!
    4. Katsono Dec 30, 2018
      Yeah I can see you probably thought I was envious of sex, even if it's just once a month.

      Nah anyway it's not like it's a big deal but I still wouldn't want it like that and you say it's not really satisfying at that.
    5. ohko Dec 30, 2018
      @Katsono it's just hard to tell online because we can't see each others faces, and as a result it's sometimes difficult to read people's expressions just from what they write. :blobsweat_2:
    6. Katsono Dec 30, 2018
      Where's the sarcasm? It's just a mocking tone, I wouldn't want to have bed time only once a month.
    7. ohko Dec 30, 2018
      @Katsono was that sarcasm? I can't tell :hmm:
    8. Katsono Dec 30, 2018
      Sex once a month? Wow. Yeah totally not envious.