I have a very clear boundary separating my online self and offline one... It's almost a 180º turn in all honesty, I'm really really different offline and online.
I can be myself online, while offline I'm shackled. I feel comfortable online, while offline I just can't wait for some online time. You can hardly say it's the same person... And honestly, it might not be.
A few days ago though, I saw the boundary between them getting blur... It was... Confusing. When I am offline I tend to get stressed more easily and have a hard time explaining myself... I don't quite act the way I want... Online I tend to be calmer, because I'm more at ease and am relaxed...
However, what happens when a topic I'm very used to IRL is brought to my OL? It got confusing... It got messy. I am so used to talking about it, that I talked in the way I always do... And it kinda... Hurt me to see myself like that.
I talk a lot, I always talk a lot, I make walls of text and I am no good at stopping unless someone tells me to stop... And I... Happened to see a game design decision that didn't quite feel like it was good... I think it's important to say those things out, because they need to be tested and changed, it's part of the game making process... But giving constructive criticism is something that needs to be done very carefully, because you're talking about something made by someone else after a lot of effort... I know that personally back when I received writing feedback and got seriously annoyed at what some people told me.
Yet I wasn't able to think much and just started blurting out my thoughts... It was strange... It is something I do all the time IRL when talking about games, it's the thing I talk the most about IRL, so it's absolutely normal for me to talk about it like that... But I should have known better... And I should have said it better, I'm better than that... Why did I say it like that?
I saw my RL self in the middle of my online self... It was wrong. Simply wrong. They aren't supposed to be the same, not now at least, not while I still hate my RL self, I want to make the way I am IRL to become the way I am online, not the opposite.
It made me start to wonder how did the boundary suddenly get blurred just because of a topic I'm used to talking about IRL... Was it really that much of a thin boundary? It felt thicker... It felt way way thicker than what it might be... It's troubling.
Perhaps it has been thinning since long ago, since I started to allow my depressive sides to appear online... But I don't want them to merge, not yet, it's not time... I can't let it become the same... Not when I still hate what I am IRL... One step at a time, I still need to do too many things before I am comfortable with myself, and I don't need to do those things online, they are done already.
I wish I could hurry up and stop hating myself... Would make things a lot easier... Haa... If only... I really hate thinking in "ifs", but I can't help doing it at those moments... I need to change faster... I might be reaching my limit... It hurts.
Boundary
Author
AliceShiki
『Ms. Tree』『Magical Girl of Love and Justice』, Female
- Messages:
- 24,650
- Likes:
- 98,372
- Points:
- 834
- Blog Posts:
- 140