Leaves fell instead of tears

My summer story - 4 months a year of untouched disappointment and dread in this house, and a progressively worsening plot since 2014.
i spent the first summer crying over feelings i didn't understand and letting my tears dry on marble tiles, and i don't remember if it was because i couldn't get up or because i wouldn't get up-
9-year-old me had a sad little ritual of falling asleep every night hoping that morning would bring comfort or clarity in any shape, but it didn't, and so i started crying in front of my god. then autumn came and leaves fell instead of tears and as things got better, i believed in god more than ever.
the second and then the third summer came, and both years i cried into my beloved marble tiles, again, about boys. the fourth summer, i cried about a girl; not about how she couldn't love me back, but how i could. i asked god if this was okay, he'd make me listen to silence, the sound of my blood in my ears and my own shaky breaths, then hang up on me every night.
the fifth summer, dial tones started giving déjà vu- god stopped answering the phone and i had no one left to talk to and so much useless faith that i didn't know what to do with. i looked away for a minute(two months) and when i looked back, god existed only in pockets of guilty air between me and any other boy's mouth. so i stopped calling, the faith wrapped itself around someone else's tongue and i didn't dare close my eyes for a second.