What I Have Realized In Philosophy Class

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vieauty

『chaos』《Chibi Sociopath-chan~》『⚓』《cri's》, Female
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I believe that those who endure, who also loves, and is kind will always be the best kind of people.

I have a rough childhood. I was a child with anger issues and a lot of insecurities. A mean kid who is just hurt by life yet still keeps on trying to be the best version of myself even though I know that deep inside, I am broken into many pieces that I can't ever put back together again. A kid who have a lot of hate to give for all the burning things I have to swallow in order to survive all the things I have faced... I am full of anger, insecurities, hate... Yet I still truly believe in good, in love, and in God... and in myself that shall guide me throughout it all.

But as times passed by, my resolve started to weaken. The things I love... I started to forget. And my faith has been there yet lost... And I try hard to stand on my own two feet, pushing myself to the limit, and trying as hard without a certain direction. And I am lost in a middle of a vast plain, a crowd of strangers I can never connect with.

I am just there.... staring, trying, but have forgotten what it is that I should really be doing...

Then, everything stopped in this world. And I was forced to rest, to understand, and to contemplate about everything I have done and happened. And I was there, I realized things I can never realize... That I should have rested. That I should have thought it was what it is... That everything is just a fragile illusion of an idealist.

And I... I felt so tired for the very first time. I started to not use social media, not contact my friends for months, and I buried myself into the deep abyss of my mind and into the books I have always wanted to read. And I rested... whilst drowning in my own ocean of despair.

I was just there... Trying to figure it all out. Then, I have realized my wrongs, my mistakes, what I should do, and what should I let go in order to move forward.

I have realized that hate can never do anything but be a burden. That a heart full of hate is nothing but an empty shell as it wasn't used to love... and to receive love. Hate is something that twist a good man into someone so vile, cold-hearted, and mad. Hate is an emotion that weighs people down... That makes it hard to breathe in this world as you always remember the things you wanted to forget because the heart is there... Full of hate.

I have realized that hate also push kind people to commit the worst acts of all. That hate is nothing but a fuel for a corrupted heart. That hate is a lazy emotion that makes you want to just... don't do anything. And that hate makes pain so intense that you forget how to endure... and how to be rational even though everything just hurts...

Pain is made to make us stronger... But that should never be used as an excuse, being hurt and inflicting pain shouldn't be the norm. But we can never deny that most of the strongest and best people out there have endured pain we can never imagine... and that's amazing. It is amazimg that they stayed kind and is still kind after going through what they have gone through.

And I am proud of my pain. My hate, I do regret... But I don't regret to be the person I am today. I am kind, bad, imperfect but I am so glad that I endured and I am here as a survivor of the pain I felt. And I do not regret everything I did in order to correct my wrongs and be the person I am today.

And I am sincerely happy... And glad at where I am now. Baby steps... I will become better by enduring, loving, and being as kind as I can be.

Comments

    1. Nefasdetestasti Oct 13, 2021
      Don't give up, keep fighting.
      vieauty and One Perfect Veteran like this.
    2. Bad Storm Oct 13, 2021
      Pain is not made to make us stronger. It's your body telling you that something is wrong. Whether it's physical pain or emotional pain. So don't just accept pain. Recognize it. Observe it. Find what's causing it. And try to solve it.

      I find that the best way to recover from going down that abyss of hate and regret is to be more lenient towards yourself. Accept that you made mistakes, that you're flawed, that there were things you shouldn't have done or should do. And slowly from there, build yourself up again. I think you're doing great. Keep it up. No rush. :blob_patpat:
    3. vieauty Oct 15, 2021
      Nefasdetestasti likes this.
    4. vieauty Oct 15, 2021
      @Bad Storm YESSSS YOU ARE SO RIGHT SENSEIII AHHHH UWU <3 ARIGATOUUUU SO MUCHHHHH MY HEART IS HEALINGZ A BITTTTT