What I Write



《The Đevîl's Cøñsørt》『♡Hayyan's Female Version』, Female
Blog Posts:
I thought this would be a good place to save things I scribble when I'm in a bad mood or a very good mood (mostly bad moods). Please feel free to ignore this..

If I have to control myself,
to refine,
to compromise,
is it really writing?

And here I thought,
we write to express ourselves.


When your life is so distorted,
Your precious dreams all shattered,
Your mind , a place so terrible,
Your soul unrepairably destroyed,

You achieve the ability
To write so beautifully,

Things that can build up ones personality,
Add hopes and dreams to ones life,
Sprinkle colour to ones dreams,
And give wings to ones soul...

To you I am like a punching bag to a boxer.

The boxer could swear he loves his punching bag..but all day, everyday what he does is punch it..and enjoy doing that..the bag is not being loved.

It's being used..
and being hurt.

Just like that you can admit all you want that you love me.

The truth is you love hurting me..knowing I'd never leave you, no matter how much you break me to relieve your frustrations and problems. You enjoy hurting me so much and cover it up saying you stick around because you love me..

But we both know that's far from the truth.

And I have decided..I'm done being your punching bag.

I hate it...

Seeing you smiling without me by your side..Seeing you laughing at something funny your friends said..Not caring to see I'm not there to laugh along with you..Seeing you having fun with others..

But, my heart still flutters...

When you laugh with others and still instinctively look at me..Not having to search..Aware of where I sit in the cafeteria..Even when I am sitting far away and not right by your side..

My heart flutters...

At that brief moment our eyes meet..Before you look away, a smile still adorning your lips..Or before I lose courage and look away..Praying to gods you wouldn't notice how you still make me blush..

And I still wonder...

Were you trying to show me you are happy without me..


Were you wishing I was there with you..Just as much as I wish you were sitting next to me..

I cling so desperately to you that once you force me to let go, I don't know what to do with myself.

The emptiness is so overbearing.

I sometimes question whether I should really go on or end myself. If I was looking at me now from another point of view, I 'd laugh, and would ask me to not to be so stupid, that you are not worth it, that I should move on.

But now that I'm standing here, I don't see how that's an option. Like I never loved you. Just like you never did,,, so easily moved on.

The only thing I can do as for now, is to ask myself over and over 'cause I don't have the courage to ask you, wasn't I worth fighting for? Wasn't I worth the risk? Like I risked everything for you?

It's scary how much someone can mean to you. How someone who was a complete stranger can turn out to be the reason you keep on breathing everyday.

How much your mood is affected by theirs. How quickly their smile can lift your spirit up. How simply, even just one kind word from them can make you feel like you are on cloud nine. How much one little act showing they care, can put you on top of the world. How much their millisecond of attention can make you feel so special.

How much their sadness makes you sad. How willing you are to destroy worlds if that brings back their smile. How accurately you can remember the conversations you had together, with so much detail etched into your mind, even when it was just a passing by Hi.

How you seem to be able to think of that person in every second you breathe, even when dreaming, and yet would not get tired of it. How someone can be your everything while that person is having no clue that you exist. It's truly scary indeed.

It's not easy to put in to words how you are feeling, be it spoken or written down. It takes courage to admit your deepest, truest feelings. It takes much more than that to shape those feelings in to words.

It's hard when all you need to do is to pour your heart out, but you can't find the right words.

It's hard when all you need to do is to dance to your heart's content, but you can't find the right steps.

It's hard when all you need to do is to sing, but you can't find the correct tune.

It's hard when all you need to do is to smile, but you can't think of a reason to be happy.

It's hard when all you need to do is to cry, but your eyes have dried up after so much crying.

It's hard when all you need to do is to dream, but you are forced to live in the reality instead.

It's hard when all you need to do is to love, but you can't find the courage to take the risk of having your heart broken.

Sometimes we feel too much, even words fail at describing them. Sometimes we feel too less, even the sweetest words in the world would not be able to fill that emptiness.

We were breaking their fragile hearts, bit by bit, taking piece by piece at a time. And today, we destroyed their souls, completely, at once. They didn't put up a fight, and we didn't hesitate.

People notice the ones that hurt them more than the ones that give them endless love and kindness. It's just the human nature. It's also the very reason why we all end up getting hurt.

Why do we undervalue ourselves?

Why do we think we are not good enough?
That we are not worthy? That we don't deserve something good..? Something great!? Why do we put ourselves down?

Why do we prioritize others' needs over ours? Why can we see everything that others have but nothing that we have ourselves?

Why is it so easy to fall in love with someone else yet so hard to love ourselves?

Why are we not happy with what we have? Why do we feel as if the things we lost are the only perfect things? Why do we think that the things we don't have are the only valuable things? Why do we crave for the past and ponder over the future?

Why do we spend the present moment thinking about a moment lost or a moment that is yet to come?

Why do we ignore the ones that love us? Why do we love the ones that ignore us? Why do we beg the ones that leave us to stay? Why do we make the ones that care about us leave? Why do we leave the ones we care and be with the ones we never really loved?

Why do we make small talk when we can converse so deeply? Or just hold hands and share a mutual silence? Why do we sleep when the stars are shining outside? Why do we stare at a screen sitting next to a person?

Tilgarial, imK, Nancy2303 and 3 others like this.


    1. HNCKrstl Mar 29, 2020
      Nancy2303 likes this.
    2. HNCKrstl Mar 29, 2020
      SummerForest likes this.
    3. HNCKrstl Mar 29, 2020
      Gandire Alea likes this.
    4. Nancy2303 Mar 28, 2020
      HNCKrstl likes this.
    5. SummerForest Mar 28, 2020
      *hugs Hansi tight*
      ...know how it feels...
    6. Gandire Alea Mar 28, 2020
      Is not ignoring this~