When I was 16

Author

vieauty

professional sick in bed idiot, Female
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These past few days, nothing fits and guilt keeps coming back to me.

For sixteen years, I have lived and I have enjoyed life. Yes, I still may not get the whole potential of it but... I think for the majority of people in this world who got it worst, I am pretty lucky.

Everyday, I got food ready at the table, waiting to fulfill my greedy appetite that makes me gain weight and be round. I have all the time in the world. I was just binge-watching my favorite Korean dramas in Netflix or Viu all day, not caring that I could have used up my time by cleaning and learning and doing stuff that is with sense and not indulging my craving for some fantasy that makes my cheeks turn red and satisfy my love for the Korean Wave.

But what can I do? Everything was so weird and I was so confused that I even not know how to think! For months, I've been forced to come back to the reality that hurts me. I kept running for years and I kept blaming everyone about how fucked up I am, which is so weird because how did it become their fault? It was me. I am the one who is weird and the one who accepted the twisted way of processing and expressing myself as a human being, because what can I do?

I've never felt. I've never realized and absorbed pain well. You can say that I am an optimistic girl, but the truth is, I wasn't. It was all weird because I couldn't process pain well. I couldn't feel pain and that's why... I couldn't really relate to it. Because I am fucked up. I am both a twisted reality and a distorted truth. And frankly, I am scared.

But it has been a while, I hope things will change.

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Comments

    1. vieauty Sep 30, 2021
      @Mr Popo hehehehe~ mr popo, such mind you have~ yesssss, thank you for your words. kinda need that too uwu
      Mr Popo likes this.
    2. vieauty Sep 30, 2021
      @Cutter Masterson really, thank youuuuu, cutter-san! i needed that today! same as you too~ i will support you too and you are also a good person and friend! thankful for your existence!!!! YIPEEEEEE GANBATTEEEEE TO US (^o^)
      Cutter Masterson likes this.
    3. Cutter Masterson Sep 30, 2021
      @vieauty a couple of things. One your to hard on yourself. I never had a childhood, but I’m not resentful of your good fortune. Quite the opposite. I am happy you got the chance to live freely. Second you are a good person. Would an ungrateful and narcissistic person regret any of their choices. The answer is no. Third your quite normal. We all wish we could have done better or more. Hindsight is always so perfect, but in the moment it’s a tough call. So don’t belittle yourself. You are kind and thoughtful person. Your also a good friend. Your qualities shine through in your posts. If you want to do more. Than the only way to do it. Is to go do it. Lol. We’ll support you. But always remember you can’t do everything and it’s alright to have some personal quality time by yourself. I wish you luck
      Daisydacrazy and vieauty like this.
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