Very nice having basic approval from the people around me to validify my purpose and satisfy my insecurities. But you know what's better than all of that? Being aware of the fact that you're indefinitely stagnating and slowly degenerating, but not making an effort to pull yourself out from the gutters because of stubborn contempt and empty pride on the stance of being "satisfied" with your current state of life.
Another thing that makes my day better is craving the attention and care of people in the internet because of how lonely I am in real life, but due to the pride and contempt I said above, I reject their care and goodwill, instead acting like an asshole to prove to myself and everyone around me that "I don't care," which is not the case.
I care a lot about what everyone think and say, I care too much in fact, so much that a single compliment would make my day and an accurate insult would ruin it. And I hate that, I hate how much of a slave I am to my emotions (though I'm aware that it's more or less normal), I hate how easily swayed I am regarding what other people think and say about me, so I drown it out with forced apathy and disregard.
I find it very useful that I know a little about many subjects, as it leaves me rarely in a situation where I can't say anything about the topic being discussed with me, as generally adding basic information about the topic shows to the individual you are speaking to that it's a productive discussion.
Honestly, most of the points you've discussed above are really common points in human social interaction and something that is very useful to have an understanding of. You are by no means the only person so easily affected by simple compliments and insults by those around you. Most of the people you speak with likely feel the same.
But there is an aspect of self-control everyone needs to learn while they're talking, and that can only really be learned by experience. Some people are far more experienced in that regard, so it can feel quite offputting to individuals who haven't figured quite how they want to act in social settings. Just keep working on it, self reflect like you're doing now, and you'll eventually figure it out.
Of course having your knowledge spread out to be more flexible on discussions is a good thing, I never said it wasn't, what annoys me is how I act with such knowledge.
I already pointed out how I'm aware that such feelings, emotions, and thoughts are normal, but if you were to meet me in real life, you'd realise how the intensity of such "normal" things make it not normal. You think I haven't worked it out? I figured things out long ago, and as I've said above, I am not gonna make an effort to change them.
I speak these words because I don't hold them in much importance anymore, same goes for the corresponding replies or responses. As for the social setting part, I'm mature enough to know what I need and want to act like.
To be honest, trying to understand what I say would be very annoying if one isn't aware of my general situation. The fact that you bothered to type all those things, even if you misunderstood some things, already comforts me.
One last thing, I know some may wonder as to why I'm saying such things if I really "don't place much importance" in them, what matters to me here isn't the actual information about the topic, but the conversation. It's fun talking to be people, talking about this is just an add-on.
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