A names less story that needs to be critiqued to death.

Read it and tell me what you think. Any mistakes being pointed out would be appreciated.

part 7
part 6
part 5
part 4
part 3
part 2

 

Asking for critique voluntarily? You M, it's all Ogre now.

 

It’s by being beaten down that I can polish myself and improve.

 

Don’t be gentle with me. Be as brutal and savage as you can.

 

Mostly spacing, : nameless, name ofpegasus, the wall of text needs to be broken up a bit more into paragraphs. And minor grammar things like 'baths' should be bathes. (Unless it's plural for a physical bath), Zweihander*, awarenesses can just be Awareness.
The rest seems to be a matter of taste and genre, still too short to tell.

(*slap slap* not gentle critique *slap*)

 

I'm just an amateur, but here I go.

The pseudo-science is acceptable. I feel like i'm missing context for just about everything, but I enjoyed it. I'd suggest switching some pronouns around because there's a lot of the same ones, feeling repetitive. A Third-Person Omniscient might sound better.

The only thing I disliked was your verb tenses. Putting it in present like that make me think that about half of the combat and movement should be in *asterisks*. Maybe you could try putting the movement in past tense, like "He jumped" Instead of "He jumps".

Please write more, the story seems interesting. I'm "hooked".

 

You should use some spacing for the dialogue. Also, there's literally nothing to say about the plot because the lack of context. You should write several chapters than post it here.

 

i thought you will throw ero joke from those daring provocation

 

Her being a girl struck a critical hit, closest i have ever gotten to cybering!

 

You guys are so perverted

 

So, here's part 2, the first part of this story. Critique it to oblivion and back, please??

Everyone looks at Aiden’s fist on Isaac’s shoulder as though it were the catalyst for what just happened. Aiden himself retracts his fist and looks around. High arching walls, stained glass panels depicting various people, a ceiling depicting celestial beings… Odin, Zeus, Brahma, Ra, Amaterasu, Viracocha… “A cathedral?”

Isaac says, “You’re punch brought us to a church?”

Haylie says, “That’s impossible! If anything, your joke brought us here. It was so bad, it practically sounded like a curse. For all we know, some sort of spirit might have gotten so offended, it banished us here.”

Aiden keeps a mild tone as he says “I thought you were an atheist?” Internally, however, he racks his brain over everything that just happened. I ran into Issac and Haylie on my walk. Issac said a lame joke. I gave him a light punch on the shoulder. Some sort of spell opened underneath our feet. Now we’re here.

Haylie points at the ceiling, “We’re in a freaking church! If this isn’t a work of God, then what is it?”

Isaac says, “Maybe, magic?”

Haylie’s, “The hell do you mean magic!” prompts him to point at the floor.

Aiden looks down and discovers a complex magic circle half carved and half painted on the floor. He recognizes it as a summoning spell, a really complex one. He wonders if he’s reading it right, because parts of it seem to touch on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and four dimensional physics.

He then looks towards the door, wondering if the people who summoned them will show up soon. Meanwhile, he says, “On the plus side, this isn’t my fault.”

Haylie swats Aiden’s back, forcing him to stumble forward a few steps as she says, “This isn’t funny! We’re who knows where for who knows what! Shut up if you’re just gonna joke around!”

Aiden places a hand against his back as he rights himself. That stung? He glances towards Haylie’s arms and notices that they’re much more toned than when they first ran into each other thirty minutes ago.

Isaac then looks towards a set of large stone doors. “People are coming.”

Haylie nods and says, “There’s… 4, no 6, no 7?” Confusion then washes over her face, “How the heck do I know that?”

Aiden keeps his silence as his friends are confused by their sudden growth in perception. He glances towards the magic circle on the floor, but then looks back towards the door. That summoning circle is grades higher than what he can currently comprehend. It doesn’t appear to have a body augmentation spell weaved into it, but that’s just from what he can read. Whatever it is, I can at least tell that it hasn’t made them transcend their humanity.

Aiden then turns towards Isaac and Haylie to reassure them about not knowing where they are, but finds they’ve already calmed down. Isaac is even playing around by test running up one of the pillars. He rises seven steps and then back flips off. Aiden says, “The hell are you doing!”

Haylie is doing side jumps, but stops to say, “Well, the people coming this way aren’t dangerous.”

Aiden says, “We haven’t even met them yet.”

Haylie shakes her head as she says, “No, no, it’s weird, but we can tell. The people coming towards us don’t have any bad intentions.”

The stone doors slide open before Aiden can retort. Making a square around a man and woman are four people wielding scythes. More so than the two dressed like royalty from the 1800s in the middle of the formation, Aiden’s attention is rapt on the polearms. Nordic runes, a Taoist proverb, hieroglyphics, and things I don’t recognize… Spell synthesis? No, they’re not scythes, they’re staves. The blades act as symbols to reinforce the ability to tear a rift in the space time continuum… Probably.

Aiden says, “Where did you bring us?”

The current conversation between his friends the 6 people greeting them comes to an awkward stop. Isaac wraps his arm around Aiden’s shoulder and whispers. He says, “Obviously not Earth. They promised the king will explain everything soon. For now, they just want to make sure we’re not hurt.”

“And you’re just going with it?”

“Why not? They’re not lying.”

“And what makes you say that?”

“I can just tell. Besides, why would a prince and princess lie to us?”

Aiden shakes his head, but realizes he won’t be able to convince Issac or Haylie. He decides to remain quiet and try to pick out the truth hidden between their words and gestures. Ha ha… Yeah, I can totally do that…

The princess sighs, but says, “There is no wonder you’re wary of us. We abducted you, we brought you here for our own convenience. Please underst-”

That’s when Aiden notices something off about the girl and boy standing between the four spell casters. They have red eyes. He follows as they walk out the door for the king. A guard joins them in the marble corridor adorned with scarlet curtains embroidered with gold and bluish-purple carpets.

Issac tells the prince and princess about Earth. They along with the four spell casters and guard who are listening in are shocked by what they hear. Two of spell casters almost drop their staves while the guard almost walks into a wall. “Seriously, magic is stuff that only exists in fairytales. If you told me this was a dream, I’d believe it.”

The prince says, “You do not have magic, but you’ve been to the moon?”

Haylie laughs and shakes her head. “No, not us. NASA put astronauts on the moon.”

The princess says, “NASA? Is that the guild in charge of space travel? I’m assuming those as-toe-nauths are how you refer to your spacemen?”

Haylie says, “As-tro-naut, and yeah, for both questions. Except, NASA isn’t a guild. It’s an organization run by the government.”

While the prince and princess exchange glances at Haylie’s explanation, and comment about the pros and cons of a government funded magician’s research association for transporting someone to the moon, Aiden speaks up for the first time. He says, “Actually, what can you tell us about magic? How does it work? Where did it come from?”

Issac and Haylie perk up at the question. Their eyes gleam as they press the prince and princess for an answer with their eagerness. A chuckle escapes a pair of the spell casters, but they immediately apologize at the sharp looks they receive from the prince and princess.

The prince clears his throat. Once he has everyone’s attention, he says, “Magic, at its simplest, is weaving your mana in a certain way to produce a desired result.”

Haylie says, “What’s mana?”

The prince is taken aback by the question. Not sure how to answer, he turns to his sister. The princess purses her lips and thinks for a moment before saying, “Mana is something everything has and produces. You find it in side yourself, channel it, and use it.”

The prince cuts in upon seeing the confused expression on Isaac and Haylie. He says, “Imagine a glass of water. Whenever a spell is cast, the water goes down. The body slowly refills the water on its own over time and once it’s high enough, another spell can be cast.”

Isaac says, “We have mana too?”

The princess’s reassuring, “Every living creature produces mana. Everyone is capable of using magic,” almost makes Aiden laugh out in ridicule. Instead, Aiden says, “How do you use magic?”

The prince says, “Through circles. By infusing a pattern with mana, you create magic. That’s what the gods taught us.”

Isaac says, “The gods?”

The princess tilts her head at the remark. “You don’t have them in your world?”

Isaac says, “The idea of a God exists, although, after all of this, I’m going to start praying to him a lot more now…”

The princess says, “One moment, your world only has one god?”

Haylie says, “No, I wouldn’t say God exists, people just believe in him.”

The princess says, “But only one?”

Issac says, “Well, one ‘real’ God. The rest like Zeus and Odin are just myths and stories.”

The prince and princess exchange another set of glances. The prince then says to everyone, “Zeus and Odin are two patron gods here. In your world, are any other gods regarded in such a manner?”

Issac says, “Well, to name a few… There’s Athena, Loki, Ra, Isis, Apollo, Hades, Poseidon, and Hercules, I think.”

The prince goes to say something else, but stops as a large, twin sided, wooden door comes into view. He looks himself over and straightens his collar. The princess, the guard escort, and the spell casters also check themselves over and adjust any blemishes on their clothing. Isaac and Haylie are infected by the atmosphere and do the same. Interesting, this is completely different from when they were waiting for the prince and princess. They’re actually nervous. Maybe it wasn’t a sham hypnotic spell and they really are more sensitive to other people’s characters.

Aiden waits for the prince to open the door, but two of the spell caster walk forward instead. They place their hands on the two halves of the door and the Nordic runes painted on them glow. The door’s frame then glows crimson and the two parts slide open to reveal a man seated before an obelisk.

Carved on the side of the obelisk facing them is a being with three heads and four arms seated cross legged on top of a lotus flower. Each hand holds something different: a tablet, a bead necklace, a kettle, and a lotus flower. The Para Brahman?

The prince and princess lead the way into the room, kneel, and lower their heads. Behind them the guard, the spell casters, Isaac, and Haylie follow suit as the prince says, “Father, we have summoned the saviors.”

The king, his attendants, and the various members of the aristocracy don’t seem to notice as they frown at Aiden. Everyone kneeling, sensing something wrong at the long pause, looks up and follow the king’s glare. Aiden remains on his feet and stares down the king. He has red eyes too.

The king says, “You refuse to kneel?”

“I kneel to nobody.”

“I will only over look this disrespect once.”

Aiden wants to thank him for his kindness, but refrains to keep from causing a commotion. He holds his tongue and waits for the promised explanation.

 

All eyes falls on Aiden's fist pressing against Isaac's shoulder. Ignoring their gazes, Aiden retracts his fist and observes his bizarre surroundings. High arching walls, stained glass panels depicting various popes, a ceiling painted with celestial beings… Odin, Zeus, Brahma, Ra, Amaterasu, Viracocha… “A cathedral?”

“Your punch brought us to a church?” Isaac glances around incredulously.

“That’s impossible! If anything, your joke brought us here. It was so bad it sounded like a curse. We might have been banished by some sort of offended spirit."

“I thought you were an atheist?” Aiden mildly remarks. Internally however, he racks his brain as he trawls through the previous events. I ran into Issac and Haylie on my walk, Issac said a lame joke and I gave him a light punch on the shoulder. Some sort of spell symbol opened underneath our feet -- and now we’re here.

Haylie stabs his finger at the ceiling, “We’re in a freaking church! If this isn’t a work of God, then what is it?”

“Magic maybe?” Isaac suggests.

“The hell do you mean by magic!” Haylie exclaims as he stared furiously at the marble flooring.

Aiden follows Haylie's gaze, and he discovers a complex magic circle half inscribed and half painted onto the ivory tiles. He recognises it as a summoning spell, a really complex one. He wonders if he’s reading it right, because parts of it seem to touch on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and four dimensional physics.

Aiden swivels his head towards the door of the chapel/cathedral, wondering if the people who summoned them would show up soon. “On the plus side, this isn’t my fault," He remarks.

HIs words drew a swat and a pointed glare from Haylie, “This isn’t funny! We’re who-knows-where for who-knows-what! Shut up if you’re just gonna joke around!”

Aiden rubs his back as he rights himself. It stung? He glances towards Haylie’s arms and notices that they’re much more toned than when they first ran into each other thirty minutes ago.

Isaac stared at the massive stone doors of the cathedral, a frown on his face. “People are coming.”

Haylie nods in agreement, “There’s… 4, 6, no -- 7?” Confusion then washes over her face, “How the heck do I know that?”

Aiden keeps his silence as his friends are confused by their sudden growth in perception. He turns to get a second look at the summoning circle, before darting his eyes back to the enormous stone doors. That summoning circle is grades higher than what he can currently comprehend. It doesn’t appear to have a body augmentation spell weaved into it, but that’s just from what he can read. Whatever it is, I can at least tell that it hasn’t taken away their humanity.

Turning towards Isaac and Haylie to reassure them, Aiden discovers they’ve already calmed down. Isaac is even playing around by test running up one of the pillars. He ascends seven steps up the elaborate pillar and back flips off. “The hell are you doing!”

Haylie is doing side jumps, but pauses to say, “Well, the people coming this way aren’t dangerous.”

“We haven’t even met them yet.”

Haylie bobs her head, “No, no, it’s weird, but we can tell. The people coming towards us don’t have any bad intentions.”

The stone doors slide open before Aiden can make a snarky retort. There were 6 people, four men wielding scythes surrounding a man and a woman protectively. Rather than the pair dressed like royalty from the 18's in the middle of the formation, Aiden’s attention is rapt on the polearms. Nordic runes, a Taoist proverb, hieroglyphics, and things I don’t recognize… Spell synthesis? No, they’re not scythes, they’re staves. The blades act as symbols to reinforce the ability to tear a rift in the space time continuum… I think.

“Where did you bring us?”

The current conversation between his friends the 6 people greeting them halts awkwardly. Isaac wraps his arm around Aiden’s shoulder and whispers, “Obviously not Earth. They promised the king will explain everything soon. For now, they just want to make sure we’re not hurt.”

“And you’re just going with it?”

“Why not? They’re not lying.”

“And what makes you say that?”

“I can just tell. Besides, why would a prince and princess lie to us?”

Aiden shakes his head, but realises he won’t be able to convince Issac or Haylie. He chooses to remain silent and pick out the truth from their words and gestures. Ha ha… Yeah, I can totally do that…

The princess sighs, “It is understandable that you’re wary of us. We abducted you, brought you here for our own convenience. Please underst-”

That’s when Aiden notices something off about the girl and boy standing between the four spell casters. They have red eyes. He follows as they walk out the door for the king. A guard joins them in the marble corridor lavishly adorned with scarlet curtains. The curtains were embroidered with gold and bluish-purple carpets.

(Idk what ya mean by "The curtains were embroidered with gold and bluish-purple carpets." so i didn't edit it. also "Isaac tells the prince and princess about Earth" sounds wrong, would suggest an edit)

Issac tells the prince and princess about Earth. The prince and princes, along with the four spell casters and guard who are listening in are shocked by what they hear. Two of the spell casters almost drop their staves while the guard almost walks into a wall. “Seriously, magic is stuff that only exists in fairytales. If you told me this was a dream, I’d believe it.”

“You do not have magic, but have been to the moon?” The prince states with a raised eyebrow.

Haylie laughs and shakes her head. “No, not us. NASA put astronauts on the moon.”

The princess says, “NASA? Is that the guild in charge of space travel? I’m assuming those as-toe-nauths are how you refer to your spacemen?”

“As-tro-naut, and yeah, for both questions. Except, NASA isn’t a guild. It’s an organisation run by the government.”

The prince and princess exchange glances at Haylie’s explanation, and begin discussing about the viability of a government funded magician’s research association for transporting someone to the moon. Aiden speaks up for the first time, “Actually, what can you tell us about magic? How does it work? Where does it come from?”

Issac and Haylie perk up at the question. Their eyes gleam with eager as they press the prince and princess for an answer. A chuckle escapes from a pair of the spell casters, but they immediately apologise at the sharp looks they receive from the prince and princess.

The prince clears his throat, "Magic, at its simplest, is weaving your mana in a certain way to produce a desired result.”

“What’s mana?”

The prince is taken aback by the question. Not sure how to answer, he turns to his sister for help. The princess purses her lips and thinks hard for a moment. “Mana is something everything has and produces. You find it inside yourself. Channel it, and control it.”

The prince cuts in upon seeing the confused expression on Isaac and Haylie. "Imagine a glass of water. Whenever a spell is cast, the water goes down. The body slowly refills the water on its own over time and once it’s high enough, another spell can be cast.”

“We have mana too?”

The prince's reassurance, “Every living creature produces mana. Everyone is capable of using magic." almost makes Aiden burst into laughter. Aiden follows up with another question, “How do you use magic?”

“Through circles. By infusing a pattern with mana, you create magic. That’s what the gods taught us.”

“The gods?”

The princess tilts her head at the remark. “You don’t have them in your world?”

“The idea of a God exists, although after all of this, I’m going to start praying to him a lot more now…” Isaac grins.

“One moment, your world only has one god?”

“No, I wouldn’t say God exists, people just believe in him.”

“But only one?”

“Well, one ‘real’ God. The rest like Zeus and Odin are just myths and old stories.”

The prince and princess glanced at each other. “Zeus and Odin are two patron gods here. In your world, are any other gods regarded in such a manner?” The prince asks.

“Well, to name a few… There’s Athena, Loki, Ra, Isis, Apollo, Hades, Poseidon. And Hercules, I think.”

The prince begins to reply, but stops as a twin sided, wooden door comes into view. He looks himself over and straightens his lopsided collar. The princess, the guard escort, and the spell casters also do a once-over and adjust any noticeable blemishes on their clothing. Isaac and Haylie, compelled by the solemn atmosphere, follow suit. Interesting, this is completely different from when they were waiting for the prince and princess. They’re actually nervous. Maybe it wasn’t a sham hypnotic spell and they really are more sensitive to other people’s characters.

Aiden waits for the prince to open the door, but two spell casters walk forward instead. They place their hands on the two halves of the door and the Nordic runes painted on them glow. The door’s frame then glows crimson and the two parts slide open to reveal a man seated before an obelisk.

Carved on the side of the obelisk facing them is a being with three heads and four arms seated cross legged on top of a lotus flower. Each hand holds something different: a tablet, a bead necklace, a kettle, and a lotus flower. The Para Brahman?

The prince and princess lead the way into the room, kneel, and lower their heads. Behind them the guard, the spell casters, Isaac, and Haylie follow suit as the prince says, “Father, we have summoned the saviours.”

The king, his attendants, and the various members of the aristocracy don’t seem to notice as they frown at Aiden. Everyone kneeling, sensing something wrong at the long pause, look up and follow the king’s glare. Aiden remains on his feet and stares down the king. He has red eyes too.

“You refuse to kneel?”

“I kneel to nobody.”

“I will only over look this disrespect once.”

Aiden wants to thank him for his kindness, but refrains himself. He holds his tongue and waits for the promised explanation.

--

I casually edited some parts, you can look through it with DiffChecker to see if you like them. ur story's fine but Aiden sounds like an edgelord and I personally detest him. like fking hell man just kneel. another thing is that it is implied that the prince and princess have summoned 'saviours' like aiden and friends before, but they do not have preparations in place to ensure said 'saviours' take the necessary etiquette in front of the king. The story is also moving too fast. There are several loopholes in any isekai story and you should take your time to cover them up slowly. Another thing ur just brushing off the prince and princess like disposables, which should not happen in any story unless they're side side characters, and the people who receive the 'summoned saviours' are not extreme side characters in any isekai novel. they don't even have names. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

While we are also told that isaac and haylie have special powers, it is pretty clear that aiden had been taught with magic even long before his summoning. This a good move by the author. it is also stated that magic has some correlation with science which is fairly interesting. Personally, i don't really do writing since i value plot 10x more than writing, so your story is rated pretty high on my book overall.

It's kinda exciting to see how this will go tbh. will aiden and friends be caught up in some political strive for power in between the prince and princess? hey if that happens maybe some tension in this part would be good. Also, i'd suggest rewriting everything thus far in past tense because it's much easier for beginners. everyone has trouble writing in present tense.

BUT WHY RED EYES :O

 

Thank you for your feed back. I’m glad to hear you found it interesting. A lot of what you mention is going to be addressed, I’m just afraid of bombarding the readers with too much information. Aiden also isn’t very happy with being summoned, so he’s shutting himself in a bit. (Forgive him for that and me for making him like that,
The names will be introduced soon!

But for the red eyes, IT’S A PLOT POINT
As for why the author chose red eyes! RED MAKES THINGS 3X COOLER.

 

maybe i was a little too harsh or are you an m

https://www.diffchecker.com/K9vbLblH anyways forgot to link the diff checker but yeah your story is nice. but red eyes = vampireee

 

It’s only by accepting the harshest of words that a writer can improve. If you want to rip me to shreds, then I accept with open arms!

 

I.... I just read Gender bender because of u @Gandire Alea... U tainted my soul...

 

I said skip to part 2

 

Okay, here's a revision with a continuation!
Please critique part 3 to death!!


Everyone looks at Aiden’s fist on Isaac’s shoulder as though it were the catalyst for what just happened. Aiden himself retracts his fist and looks around. High arching walls, stained glass panels of various holy people, a ceiling carved with celestial beings… Odin, Zeus, Brahma, Ra, Amaterasu, Viracocha… “A cathedral?”

Isaac says, “You’re punch brought us to a church?”

Haylie says, “That’s impossible! If anything, your joke brought us here. It was so bad, it practically sounded like a curse. For all we know, it offended some sort of spirit so it banished us here.”

Aiden keeps a mild tone as he says “I thought you were an atheist?” Internally, he racks his brain over everything that just happened. I ran into Isaac and Haylie on my walk. Two, Isaac said a lame joke. Three, I gave him a light punch on the shoulder. Four, some sort of magic circle appeared underneath our feet. Now we’re here.

Haylie points at the ceiling, “We’re in a freaking church! If this isn’t a work of God, then what is it?”

Isaac says, “Maybe, magic?”

Haylie’s, “The hell do you mean magic!” prompts him to point at the floor.

Aiden looks down and discovers a complex magic circle half carved and half painted on the floor. He recognizes it as a summoning spell, a really complex one. He wonders if he’s reading it right, because parts of it seem to touch on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and four dimensional physics. Part of it is different from the one before.

He then looks towards the door, wondering if the people who summoned them will show up soon. Meanwhile, he says, “On the plus side, this isn’t my fault.”

Haylie swats Aiden, forcing him to stumble forward a few steps as she says, “This isn’t funny! We’re who knows where for who knows what! Shut up if you’re just gonna joke around!”

Aiden feels his shoulder where she hit him as he rights himself. That stung? He glances towards Haylie’s arms and notices that they’re much more toned than when they first ran into each other thirty minutes ago.

Isaac’s head snaps towards the set of large stone doors at the end of the chamber. “People are coming.”

Haylie nods and says, “There’s… 6, no 7 of them?” Confusion washes over her face as she adds, “How the heck do I know that?”

Aiden keeps his silence as his friends are confused by their sudden growth in perception. He glances towards the magic circle on the floor, but then looks back towards the door. That summoning circle is grades higher than what he can currently comprehend. It doesn’t appear to have a body augmentation spell weaved into it, but that’s just from what he can read. Whatever it is, I can at least tell that it hasn’t made them transcend their humanity.

Aiden then turns towards Isaac and Haylie to reassure them about not knowing where they are, but finds they’ve already calmed down. Isaac is even playing around by running up one of the pillars. He rises seven steps and then back flips off. Aiden says, “The hell are you doing!”

Haylie is doing side jumps, but stops to say, “We just want to see what we can do. Besides, the people coming this way aren’t dangerous.”

Aiden says, “We haven’t even met them yet.”

Haylie shakes her head as she says, “No, no, it’s weird, but we can tell. They don’t have any bad intentions.”

The stone doors slide open before Aiden can retort. Making a square around a man and woman are four people wielding scythes. More so than the two dressed like royalty from the 1800s in the middle of the formation, Aiden’s attention is rapt on the polearms. Nordic runes, a Taoist proverb, hieroglyphics, and things I don’t recognize… Spell synthesis? No, they’re not scythes, they’re staves. The blades act as symbols to reinforce the ability to tear a rift in the space time continuum… Probably.

Aiden says, “Where did you bring us?”

The current conversation between his friends the 6 people greeting them comes to an awkward stop. Isaac wraps his arm around Aiden’s shoulder and whispers. He says, “Obviously not Earth. They promised the emperor will explain everything soon. For now, they just want to make sure we’re not hurt.”

“And you’re just going with it?”

“Why not? They’re not lying.”

“And what makes you say that?”

“I can just tell. Besides, why would a prince and princess lie to us?”

Aiden shakes his head, but realizes he won’t be able to convince Isaac or Haylie. He decides to remain quiet and try to pick out the truth hidden between their words and gestures. Ha ha… Yeah, I can totally do that… Why couldn’t Kalani be here instead?

The princess sighs, but says, “There is no wonder you’re wary of us. We abducted you, we brought you here for our own convenience. Please underst-”

That’s when Aiden notices something off about the so called prince and princess standing between the four spell casters. They have red eyes. He follows as they walk out the door for the emperor. Joining them within the marble corridor adorned with scarlet curtains embroidered with gold and bluish-purple carpets is a guard with violet trimmings on his armor.

Isaac tells the prince and princess about Earth. They along with the four spell casters and guard are shocked by what they learn. Two of spell casters almost drop their staves while the guard almost walks into a wall. “Seriously, magic is stuff that only exists in fairytales. If you told me this was a dream, I’d believe it.”

The prince says, “You do not have magic, but you’ve been to the moon?”

Haylie laughs and shakes her head. “No, not us. NASA put astronauts on the moon.”

The princess says, “NASA? Is that the guild in charge of space travel? I’m assuming those as-toe-nauths are how you refer to your spacemen?”

Haylie says, “As-tro-naut, and yeah, for both questions. Except, NASA isn’t a guild. It’s an organization run by the government.”

The prince and princess exchange glances at Haylie’s explanation and begin discussing the pros and cons of a government funded, magician’s research association for transporting someone to the moon. Aiden interrupts before they get lost in their new topic. He says, “Say, what can you tell us about magic? How does it work? Where did it come from?”

Isaac and Haylie perk up at the question. Their eyes gleam as they press the prince and princess for an answer with their eagerness. A chuckle escapes a pair of the spell casters, but they immediately apologize at the sharp looks they receive from the prince and princess.

The prince clears his throat. Once he has everyone’s attention, he says, “Magic, at its simplest, is weaving your mana in a certain way to produce a desired result.”

Haylie says, “What’s mana?”

The prince is taken aback by the question. Not sure how to answer, he turns to his sister. The princess purses her lips and thinks for a moment before saying, “Mana is something everything has and produces. You find it inside yourself, channel it, and use it.”

The prince cuts in upon seeing the confused expression on Isaac and Haylie. He says, “Imagine a glass of water. Whenever a spell is cast, the water goes down. The body slowly refills the water on its own over time. Once it’s high enough, another spell can be cast.”

Isaac says, “We have mana too?”

The princess’s reassuring, “Every living creature produces mana. Everyone is capable of using magic,” almost makes Aiden laugh out in ridicule. Instead, Aiden says, “How do you use magic?”

The prince says, “Through circles. Magic is created when you infuse a pattern with mana. That’s what the gods taught us.”

Isaac says, “The gods?”

The princess tilts her head at the remark. “You don’t have them in your world?”

Isaac says, “Most of us believe in God. Honestly, after all of this, I’m going to start praying to him a lot more now…”

The princess says, “One moment, your world only has one god?”

Haylie says, “No, I wouldn’t say God exists, just the concept of one.”

The princess says, “But only one?”

Isaac says, “Well, one ‘real’ God. The rest like Zeus and Odin are just myths and stories.”

The prince and princess exchange another set of glances. The prince then says to everyone, “Zeus and Odin are two patron gods here. In your world, are any other gods regarded in such a manner?”

Isaac says, “Well, to name a few… There’s Athena, Loki, Ra, Isis, Apollo, Hades, Poseidon, and Hercules, I think.”

The prince goes to say something else, but stops as a large, twin sided, wooden door comes into view. He looks himself over and straightens his collar. The princess, the guard escort, and the spell casters also check themselves over and adjust any blemishes on their clothing. Isaac and Haylie are influenced by the actions and do the same.

Aiden’s amused by the anxiousness in their tense movements. They’re actually nervous. This is completely different from when they were waiting for the prince and princess. Maybe it wasn’t a sham hypnotic spell and they really are more sensitive to other people’s characters.

Aiden waits for the prince to open the door, but two of the spell caster walk forward instead. They place their hands on the two halves of the door and the Nordic runes painted on them glow. The door’s frame then glows crimson and the two parts slide open to reveal a man seated before an obelisk.

Carved on the side of the obelisk facing them is a being with three heads and four arms seated cross legged on top of a lotus flower. Each hand holds something different: a tablet, a bead necklace, a kettle, and a lotus flower. The Para Brahman?

The prince and princess lead the way into the room, kneel, and lower their heads. Behind them the guard, the spell casters, Isaac, and Haylie follow suit as the prince says, “Father, we have summoned the Apostles.”

The emperor, his attendants, and the various members of the aristocracy ignore them as they frown at Aiden. Everyone kneeling, sensing something wrong at the long pause, looks up and follow the emperor’s glare. Aiden remains on his feet and stares down the emperor. He has red eyes too.

The emperor says, “You refuse to kneel?”

“I’ve had bad experiences.”

“I will only over look this disrespect once.”

Aiden wants to thank him for his kindness, but swallows his anger to keep from causing a commotion. He holds his tongue and waits for the emperor’s promised explanation.

The emperor glares at Aiden for a bit and says, “I am Marcus Pax Augustus Aurelius, emperor of the Holy Aelia Empire. Chaos threatens my land and people. The gods warn that C’thylla will manifest within this year and birth the end. We summoned you, Apostles, for it has been proven since before my glorious empire even touched land that the surest solution to any trouble is through your assistance. We shall provide you with shelter, knowledge, and training. Go forth, rid us of this evil, and return as heroes.”

The emperor’s attendants and the aristocracy clap and cheer. The prince and princess rise up and lead Aiden, Isaac, and Haylie out of the hall and into a side chamber. Joining them is the guard. While Isaac and Haylie are too overwhelmed to speak, Aiden is fuming. He speaks the moment the door shuts. He says, “The hell is this! What about sending us back home?”

His remark help Isaac and Haylie recover from their shock. They gap at each other and back at the prince and princess. They both says, “Is that true, you can’t send us back?”

The prince holds up his arms in an attempt to sooth the brewing trouble. “No, no, father is gravely concerned about this danger. He forgets you Apostles are taken from another world when summoned. Please forgive him.”

Aiden says, “What about us getting home?”

The princess smiles and says, “Please, discard those fears. C’thylla’s emergence is destabilizing the boundary between worlds. We were able to summon you, but we cannot be able to send you back until after this threat passes.”

“How?”

The prince says, “With the summoning circle. Do not let the name misguide you. It was a gift from the gods. Rest assured, it can both summon and return.”

Aiden doesn’t say anything, but his expression remains unconvinced. A gift from the gods…

Isaac looks Aiden over and sighs. “Man, Aiden, I was completely swept up with everything that’s happening. How are you so calm?”

“I’m furious!”

The guard says, “That’s even more impressive. I was doubtful at first, but Apostles really do bring hope. I look forward to fight at your side.”

Aiden clicks his tongue, but doesn’t say anything else.

Haylie says, “Are you sure we can even help you? We don’t know anything about fighting. And honestly, I… I don’t think I could hurt anyone…”

The prince places a hand upon Haylie’s shoulder. He waits for her to look up before saying, “We have complete faith in all of you. I’m certain you’ve noticed, but you are no longer the same as from before you came to this world. You’re bodies, they don’t show it, but they have been pushed to the limits of humanity. More than that, you will not be alone. The three of us will be traveling alongside you as well.”

The princess says, “Setting the three of you on your own after summoning you would be much too selfish of us. Escorting you across this land and partaking in your hardship alongside you is the least we can do for you who are our Apostles.”

Isaac says, “Is that okay? You’re a prince and princess. Do you even know how to camp? I mean, shouldn’t you stay here where it’s safe?”

The prince and princess give them wry smiles. The prince says, “Perhaps it’s time we properly introduce ourselves.” He holds his right fist to his chest and kneels as he adds, “I am Titus “Flamma” Aurelius, the 13th heir to the Holy Empire.”

The princess curtsies and says, “I am Faustina Minor Aurelius, 7th daughter to the Holy Empire.”

Titus stands and says, “Our positions… are noticeably low. Our ages, however, allow us the unique honor of being your escorts. We may appear to be taking advantage of your circumstances, but please believe me, we truly wish to keep chaos from engulfing this land.”

Aiden says, “Wait, you knew how old we’d be? Are your Apostles always around our age?”

Titus says, “Yes, the gods always send us Apostles who possess the courage and energy needed to light hope within our hearts.”

Faustina notes Aiden’s frown and says, “You disagree?”

Aiden sighs as he says, “We’re 18. Sure, we’re technically adults, but the hell do we know about saving a world? Only an idiot would think this is a good idea.”

Titus takes on a firmer tone as he says, “You’re insulting our gods?”

“If they’re moronic enough to entrust the fate of a world to clueless children, yeah.”

The guard grabs Aiden’s collar before anyone else can react. He stares into Aiden’s eyes and says, “Take that back.”

Aiden opens his mouth to say something, but then swings his leg around and into the guard’s head. The surprise attack knocks the guard into the stone wall where he then drops onto a knee. Titus and Faustina place themselves in front of the guard to stop Aiden from continuing while Isaac and Haylie try to restrain him.

Aiden lowers his leg, but doesn’t rush forward to continue attacking. Titus and Faustina send him reproachful stares to which he says, “He threatened me first.” He then glances towards the guard and adds, “Don’t get so worked up. You’re the ones who summoned us. There’s absolutely no reason for us to be grateful about any of this.”

The guard grits his teeth as he stands back up. He straightens his out his uniform and says, “The gods have sent us numerous Apostles in the past. Each one completed their quests with valor and honor. I continue that greatness which flows through my veins by serving this land.”

Faustina claps her hand before Aiden can retort. She wears a soothing smile practiced through years of life in the palace and says, “Being summoned to another world and then being asked to save it must be a lot for all of you. Why don’t we lead you to your rooms so you can rest until the banquet tonight?”

Aiden shrugs and follows Faustina out the second door.

Haylie uses the opportunity to change the subject by asking what palace life as a princess is like. The answers that revolve around religious ceremonies have an overt lack of detail to them. She speaks phrases like, “We do it four times a year,” or “take a purification bath in a sacred lake,” but then stops in wait for the following question. Haylie is tactful and doesn’t inquire further detail.

 

Overall, it seems like an interesting story. There are some Cliches, but for the most part, they are mixed up enough that it does not seem dull. The Character dialog and interaction is very Stiff though. Part of it is just that Present tense isn't the best for a third person Narrative. It works better for Second or First.
The character's reactions themselves seem kind of strange as well. For example, has it been established that they are the kind of character that would be able to recognize Spell formations? (<.< I forget) Or for that matter, Einstein's Theory of Relativity and 4th Dimensional equations in such a format?
Why are the others so calm and accepting that they're able to start friendly chatting away and asking complex questions as soon as the Prince and Princess show themselves?

World Building Is good and all, but it needs to be done naturally. Remember you're NOT trying to explain things to the reader. The CHARACTER is LEARNING things.

My suggestion would be to do what alot of other Authors do.
Don't try and make a Character from scratch. Rather, base your Character off of someone. Write the Character like they are that person in that situation. How would they react? what would they do or think? Make it more natural and flow smoother.

Other than that, It's got potential.

 

And here is an update of what I have written. I have made minor changes to the beginning and made it long. Over all, I have completed the prolouge. It should make a bit more sense now that it is finished. Tell me what you think~
(I want to put it in a spoiler bar, but do not know how...) ;-;


Everyone looks at Aiden’s fist on Isaac’s shoulder as though it were the catalyst for what just happened. Aiden himself retracts his fist and looks around. High arching walls, stained glass panels of various holy people, a ceiling carved with celestial beings… Odin, Zeus, Brahma, Ra, Amaterasu, Viracocha… “A cathedral?”

Isaac says, “You’re punch brought us to a church?”

Haylie says, “That’s impossible! If anything, your joke brought us here. It was so bad, it practically sounded like a curse. For all we know, it offended some sort of spirit so it banished us here.”

Aiden keeps a mild tone as he says “I thought you were an atheist?” Internally, he racks his brain over everything that just happened. I ran into Isaac and Haylie on my walk. Two, Isaac said a lame joke. Three, I gave him a light punch on the shoulder. Four, some sort of magic circle appeared underneath our feet. Now we’re here.

Haylie points at the ceiling, “We’re in a freaking church! If this isn’t a work of God, then what is it?”

Isaac says, “Maybe, magic?”

Haylie’s, “The hell do you mean magic!” prompts him to point at the floor.

Aiden looks down and discovers a complex magic circle half carved and half painted on the floor. He recognizes it as a summoning spell, a really complex one. He wonders if he’s reading it right, because parts of it seem to touch on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and four dimensional physics. Part of it is different from the one before.

He then looks towards the door, wondering if the people who summoned them will show up soon. Meanwhile, he says, “On the plus side, this isn’t my fault.”

Haylie swats Aiden, forcing him to stumble forward a few steps as she says, “This isn’t funny! We’re who knows where for who knows what! Shut up if you’re just gonna joke around!”

Aiden feels his shoulder where she hit him as he rights himself. That stung? He glances towards Haylie’s arms and notices that they’re much more toned than when they first ran into each other thirty minutes ago.

Isaac’s head snaps towards the set of large stone doors at the end of the chamber. “People are coming.”

Haylie nods and says, “There’s… 6, no 7 of them?” Confusion washes over her face as she adds, “How the heck do I know that?”

Aiden keeps his silence as his friends are confused by their sudden growth in perception. He glances towards the magic circle on the floor, but then looks back towards the door. That summoning circle is grades higher than what he can currently comprehend. It doesn’t appear to have a body augmentation spell weaved into it, but that’s just from what he can read. Whatever it is, I can at least tell that it hasn’t made them transcend their humanity.

Aiden then turns towards Isaac and Haylie to reassure them about not knowing where they are, but finds they’ve already calmed down. Isaac is even playing around by running up one of the pillars. He rises seven steps and then back flips off. Aiden says, “The hell are you doing!”

Haylie is doing side jumps, but stops to say, “We just want to see what we can do. Besides, the people coming this way aren’t dangerous.”

Aiden says, “We haven’t even met them yet.”

Haylie shakes her head as she says, “No, no, it’s weird, but we can tell. They don’t have any bad intentions.”

The stone doors slide open before Aiden can retort. Making a square around a man and woman are four people wielding scythes. More so than the two dressed like royalty from the 1800s in the middle of the formation, Aiden’s attention is rapt on the polearms. Nordic runes, a Taoist proverb, hieroglyphics, and things I don’t recognize… Spell synthesis? No, they’re not scythes, they’re staves. The blades act as symbols to reinforce the ability to tear a rift in the space time continuum… Probably.

Aiden says, “Where did you bring us?”

The current conversation between his friends the 6 people greeting them comes to an awkward stop. Isaac wraps his arm around Aiden’s shoulder and whispers. He says, “Obviously not Earth. They promised the emperor will explain everything soon. For now, they just want to make sure we’re not hurt.”

“And you’re just going with it?”

“Why not? They’re not lying.”

“And what makes you say that?”

“I can just tell. Besides, why would a prince and princess lie to us?”

Aiden shakes his head, but realizes he won’t be able to convince Isaac or Haylie. He decides to remain quiet and try to pick out the truth hidden between their words and gestures. Ha ha… Yeah, I can totally do that… Why couldn’t Kalani be here instead?

The princess sighs, but says, “There is no wonder you’re wary of us. We abducted you, we brought you here for our own convenience. Please underst-”

That’s when Aiden notices something off about the so called prince and princess standing between the four spell casters. They have red eyes. He follows as they walk out the door for the emperor. Joining them within the marble corridor adorned with scarlet curtains embroidered with gold and bluish-purple carpets is a guard with violet trimmings on his armor.

Isaac tells the prince and princess about Earth. They along with the four spell casters and guard are shocked by what they learn. Two of spell casters almost drop their staves while the guard almost walks into a wall. “Seriously, magic is stuff that only exists in fairytales. If you told me this was a dream, I’d believe it.”

The prince says, “You do not have magic, but you’ve been to the moon?”

Haylie laughs and shakes her head. “No, not us. NASA put astronauts on the moon.”

The princess says, “NASA? Is that the guild in charge of space travel? I’m assuming those as-toe-nauths are how you refer to your spacemen?”

Haylie says, “As-tro-naut, and yeah, for both questions. Except, NASA isn’t a guild. It’s an organization run by the government.”

The prince and princess exchange glances at Haylie’s explanation and begin discussing the pros and cons of a government funded, magician’s research association for transporting someone to the moon. Aiden interrupts before they get lost in their new topic. He says, “Say, what can you tell us about magic? How does it work? Where did it come from?”

Isaac and Haylie perk up at the question. Their eyes gleam as they press the prince and princess for an answer with their eagerness. A chuckle escapes a pair of the spell casters, but they immediately apologize at the sharp looks they receive from the prince and princess.

The prince clears his throat. Once he has everyone’s attention, he says, “Magic, at its simplest, is weaving your mana in a certain way to produce a desired result.”

Haylie says, “What’s mana?”

The prince is taken aback by the question. Not sure how to answer, he turns to his sister. The princess purses her lips and thinks for a moment before saying, “Mana is something everything has and produces. You find it inside yourself, channel it, and use it.”

The prince cuts in upon seeing the confused expression on Isaac and Haylie. He says, “Imagine a glass of water. Whenever a spell is cast, the water goes down. The body slowly refills the water on its own over time. Once it’s high enough, another spell can be cast.”

Isaac says, “We have mana too?”

The princess’s reassuring, “Every living creature produces mana. Everyone is capable of using magic,” almost makes Aiden laugh out in ridicule. Instead, Aiden says, “How do you use magic?”

The prince says, “Through circles. Magic is created when you infuse a pattern with mana. That’s what the gods taught us.”

Isaac says, “The gods?”

The princess tilts her head at the remark. “You don’t have them in your world?”

Isaac says, “Most of us believe in God. Honestly, after all of this, I’m going to start praying to him a lot more now…”

The princess says, “One moment, your world only has one god?”

Haylie says, “No, I wouldn’t say God exists, just the concept of one.”

The princess says, “But only one?”

Isaac says, “Well, one ‘real’ God. The rest like Zeus and Odin are just myths and stories.”

The prince and princess exchange another set of glances. The prince then says to everyone, “Zeus and Odin are two patron gods here. In your world, are any other gods regarded in such a manner?”

Isaac says, “Well, to name a few… There’s Athena, Loki, Ra, Isis, Apollo, Hades, Poseidon, and Hercules, I think.”

The prince goes to say something else, but stops as a large, twin sided, wooden door comes into view. He looks himself over and straightens his collar. The princess, the guard escort, and the spell casters also check themselves over and adjust any blemishes on their clothing. Isaac and Haylie are influenced by the actions and do the same.

Aiden notes the anxiousness in their tense movements. They’re actually nervous. This is completely different from when they were waiting for the prince and princess. Maybe it wasn’t a sham hypnotic spell and they really are more sensitive to other people’s characters.

Aiden waits for the prince to open the door, but two of the spell caster walk forward instead. They place their hands on the two halves of the door and the Nordic runes painted on them glow. The door’s frame then glows crimson and the two parts slide open to reveal a man seated before an obelisk.

Carved on the side of the obelisk facing them is a being with three heads and four arms seated cross legged on top of a lotus flower. Each hand holds something different: a tablet, a bead necklace, a kettle, and a lotus flower. The Para Brahman?

The prince and princess lead the way into the room, kneel, and lower their heads. Behind them the guard, the spell casters, Isaac, and Haylie follow suit as the prince says, “Father, we have summoned the Apostles.”

The emperor, his attendants, and the various members of the aristocracy ignore them as they frown at Aiden. Everyone kneeling, sensing something wrong at the long pause, looks up and follow the emperor’s glare. Aiden remains on his feet and stares down the emperor. He has red eyes too.

The emperor says, “You refuse to kneel?”

“I’ve had bad experiences.”

“I will only over look this disrespect once.”

Aiden wants to thank him for his kindness, but swallows his anger to keep from causing a commotion. He holds his tongue and waits for the emperor’s promised explanation.

The emperor glares at Aiden for a bit and says, “I am Marcus Pax Augustus Aurelius, emperor of the Holy Aelia Empire. Chaos threatens my land and people. The gods warn that C’thylla will manifest within this year and birth the end. We summoned you, Apostles, for it has been proven since before my glorious empire even touched land that the surest solution to any trouble is through your assistance. We shall provide you with shelter, knowledge, and training. Go forth, rid us of this evil, and return as heroes.”

The emperor’s attendants and the aristocracy clap and cheer. The prince and princess rise up and lead Aiden, Isaac, and Haylie out of the hall and into a side chamber. Joining them is the guard. While Isaac and Haylie are too overwhelmed to speak, Aiden is fuming. He speaks the moment the door shuts. He says, “The hell is this! What about sending us back home?”

His remark help Isaac and Haylie recover from their shock. They gap at each other and back at the prince and princess. They both says, “Is that true, you can’t send us back?”

The prince holds up his arms in an attempt to sooth the brewing trouble. “No, no, father is gravely concerned about this danger. He forgets you Apostles are taken from another world when summoned. Please forgive him.”

Aiden says, “What about us getting home?”

The princess smiles and says, “Please, discard those fears. C’thylla’s emergence is destabilizing the boundary between worlds. We were able to summon you, but we cannot be able to send you back until after this threat passes would be dangerous.”

“How?”

The prince says, “With the summoning circle. Do not let the name misguide you. It was a gift from the gods. Rest assured, it can both summon and return.”

Aiden doesn’t say anything, but his expression remains unconvinced. A gift from the gods…

Isaac looks Aiden over and sighs. “Man, Aiden, I was completely swept up with everything that’s happening. How are you so calm?”

“I’m furious.”

The guard says, “That’s even more impressive. I was doubtful at first, but Apostles really do bring hope. I look forward to fighting at your side.”

Aiden clicks his tongue, but doesn’t say anything else.

Haylie says, “Are you sure we can even help you? We don’t know anything about fighting. And honestly, I… I don’t think I could hurt anyone…”

The prince places a hand upon Haylie’s shoulder. He waits for her to look up before saying, “We have complete faith in all of you. I’m certain you’ve noticed, but you are no longer the same as from before you came to this world. Your bodies, they don’t show it, but they have been pushed to the limits of humanity. More than that, you will not be alone. The three of us will be traveling alongside you as well.”

The princess says, “Setting the three of you on your own after summoning you would be much too selfish of us. Escorting you across this land and partaking in your hardship alongside you is the least we can do for you who are our Apostles.”

Isaac says, “Is that okay? You’re a prince and princess. Do you even know how to camp? I mean, shouldn’t you stay here where it’s safe?”

The prince and princess give them wry smiles. The prince says, “Perhaps it’s time we properly introduce ourselves.” He holds his right fist to his chest and kneels as he adds, “I am Titus “Flamma” Aurelius, the 13th heir to the Holy Empire.”

The princess curtsies and says, “I am Faustina Minor Aurelius, 7th daughter to the Holy Empire.”

Titus stands and says, “Our positions… are noticeably low. Our ages, however, allow us the unique honor of being your escorts. We may appear to be taking advantage of your circumstances, but please believe me, we truly wish to keep chaos from engulfing this land.”

Aiden says, “Wait, you knew how old we’d be? Are your Apostles always around our age?”

Titus says, “Yes, the gods always send us Apostles who possess the courage and energy needed to light hope within our hearts.”

Faustina notes Aiden’s frown and says, “You disagree?”

Aiden sighs as he says, “We’re 18. Sure, we’re technically adults, but the hell do we know about saving a world? Only an idiot would think this is a good idea.”

Titus takes on a firmer tone as he says, “You’re insulting our gods?”

“If they’re moronic enough to entrust the fate of a world to clueless children, yeah.”

The guard grabs Aiden’s collar before anyone else can react. He stares into Aiden’s eyes and says, “Take that back.”

Aiden opens his mouth to say something, but then swings his leg around and into the guard’s head. The surprise attack knocks the guard into the stone wall where he then drops onto a knee. Titus and Faustina place themselves in front of the guard to stop Aiden from continuing while Isaac and Haylie try to restrain him.

Aiden sets down his foot, but doesn’t rush forward to continue attacking. Titus and Faustina send him reproachful stares to which he says, “He threatened me first.” He then glances towards the guard and adds, “Don’t get so worked up. You’re the ones who summoned us. There’s absolutely no reason for us to be grateful about any of this.”

The guard grits his teeth as he stands back up. He straightens his out his uniform and says, “The gods have sent us numerous Apostles in the past. Each one completed their quests with valor and honor. I continue that greatness which flows through my veins by serving this land.”

Faustina claps her hand before Aiden can retort. She wears a soothing smile practiced through years of life in the palace and says, “Being summoned to another world and then being asked to save it must be a lot for all of you. Why don’t we lead you to your rooms so you can rest until the banquet tonight?”

Aiden shrugs and follows Faustina out the second door.

Haylie uses the opportunity to change the subject by asking what palace life as a princess is like. The answers that revolve around religious ceremonies have an overt lack of detail to them. She speaks phrases like, “We do it four times a year,” or “take a purification bath in a sacred lake,” but then stops in wait for the following question. Haylie is tactful and doesn’t inquire further detail.


Aiden stares out his bedroom window towards the hills of maple, oak, and hickory trees. A river can be seen flowing around the hills. He breathes in the clean fresh air and sighs. “I almost wouldn’t notice anything different… if not for this ridiculous level of mana saturation.”

He places his hands on the window frame and breaths deep. He imagines the air flowing past his lungs, through his stomach and gathering just below his navel. He lets it dissipate and exhales from his mouth. His mana reserve replenishes after only a few breaths. Like I though…

A knock on the door and Haylie’s hesitant, “Aiden? You awake?” pulls him from his thoughts.

He turns around as he looks to the door and sits against the windowsill as he says, “Yeah, come on in.” She and Isaac enter and look around. The concern on their faces is obvious, but they’re afraid to broach the topic. After some silence, he says, “So, what did the five of you chat about after I left?”

Haylie and Isaac flinch at the remark. Aiden clicks his tongue and says, “I’m not going to snap from that. I’m frustrated that we might never get to return home.”

Isaac says, “Woah, hold on. They promised that they’d send us back.”

Aiden frowns at the remark. “Why are you so trusting of them? They abducted us. Shouldn’t you be more frustrated than anything else? Most people would snap and go on a rampage.”

Haylie says, “We could say the same thing about you.”

“I’m not calm.” The contempt in his tone and scorn in his glare says everything his words don’t. Both Isaac and Haylie are taken aback by Aiden’s furry. He then sighs and, with a more laid back tone, says, “You said something about being able to feel intentions earlier?”

Haylie recovers from the shock first and says, “Yeah, we can just feel it. No one in this castle wants to hurt us. Instead, they want to encourage us and help us succeed. You really can’t feel it?”

“Even that king?”

Issac averts his eyes as he says, “Well, he’s an exception, but even then! He wants to use us, but it’s all for the sake of his county. He’ll do everything he can to help us succeed. We can tell that much.”

Aiden leans his head back as he sighs. He then glances over his shoulder and out the window as he says, “What do you think of this world?” At their confused expressions, he gives a gentle and soothing smile and adds, “All I’ve seen is this scenery. After being left here, they probably gave you the grand tour and introduced you to everyone. So, what’s this place like?”

Issac says, “It’s very religious. Everywhere we went, Faustina would point out a statue, or painting, or mural, or anything and say how it represents a god slaying a dragon or clearing a mountain for people to settle. Apparently, they taught humans the origins of magic.”

That’s different.

Haylie cuts in before he can continue, “But there’s no Christianity. I mean, seriously? It’s practically our world’s largest religion, but no one here has heard of it. All the other religions are here. Even weird ones like Olmec that nobody but you would know about!”

Aiden’s head snaps toward Haylie. “You remember that conversation? That was middle school.”

Haylie shrinks in on herself a bit as she gives an uncomfortable smile. “I needed a research topic back in high school…” She then shakes her head and drives away the bashfulness that overcame her. “Anyway, these are all here, but no Christianity! Doesn’t that pretty much mean it’s fake? Everyone on Earth is being lied to!”

“It’s probably the opposite.”

Aiden’s remark get the instant focus of both Haylie and Issac. They don’t say anything, but press him to continue with clear anticipation in their eyes. He looks between the two of them and chuckles as he imagines what he must have been like to others when he was younger in order to establish himself as some sort of expert on the matter. While shaking his head at himself, he says, “Well, this is just a guess, but back… home, religions, on principle, don’t get along. Here, they’re all existing side by side cooperating in harmony. That isn’t normal. Gods and goddesses, by nature, are extremely jealous entities. This world is strange.”

Haylie says, “You’re saying Christianity forced them to get along and play nice?”

“Close, I’m saying they lost to Christianity. Christianity showed up, established itself, and drove those other religions out.”

Issac says, “As in off the planet?”

“Yep. Those religions probably then found this one, discovered that continuing their feuds here in their weakened states would lead to mutually assured destruction, and compromised. Those gods and goddesses might have even encouraged everyone to work together. If you think about it, with all those invading deities here, they shouldn’t need to summon people from other worlds. One of their deities could just empower someone here. Instead, the people here were given a summoning circle, one that just so happens to connect to our world.”

Haylie says, “The world with a religion that beat the ones here…”

Issac says, “So why us?” Hesitation flashes across his face as he adds, “I mean, it’s not like we can do magic or anything. We only got this power after being brought here. What you said earlier really has got me thinking. We are just clueless kids. Would someone who actually knows something about this be better?”

Haylie says, “Like who? How would anyone know anything about saving the world?”

“I don’t know! Maybe someone like a soldier, or a cop? There are probably tons of better options than us though…”

“Maybe it won’t be that bad? C’th-something, that thing we were summoned to stop, they said it hasn’t manifested yet. This sounds more like preventing rats from infesting your house than driving them out.”

“Well, if you put it like that, then maybe it won’t be so bad. They did say they’ll be traveling with us. I doubt a prince and princess would be allowed to go around just like that either.”

“Yeah, and they’ll be teaching us magic and stuff. I’m sure this will be fine.”

Aiden watches them encourage themselves and wonders if that youthful naivety screened them as Apostles. He wants to look at the summoning circle again, but recalls that there is a lot in it that he couldn’t understand. One thing he can conclude now that he understands the situation better is that their growth in physical ability wasn’t a result of the summoning circle. Aiden then says, “Maybe it was random?

Issac and Haylie both look at him and say at the same time, “What do you mean?”

“The summoning. Maybe that circle targets people around our age and drags them here. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”

Haylie says, “Well, I’m positive that it is. Everyone we’ve met honestly told us to depend on them incase anything happens. I’m telling you, you don’t have to be so suspicious of everyone here.”

Issac says, “Yeah, speaking of which, you went way too far with kicking Gaius. You need to apologize when you see him at the banquet.”

Aiden laughs at the ridiculous request. “Don’t depend so much on that sensitivity of yours. Being able to determine if someone is an enemy or an ally is great, but that has a lot of limitations. People told you to depend on them? Well, no duh. Who wouldn’t want to claim they aided the new saviors? Actually, what’s that sensitivity say about me?”

Issac and Haylie stare at Aiden and frown. Indecision flashes across their eyes, but a knock interfere with their response.

The door opens before anyone can answer it and in steps the guard captain. He regards Issac and Haylie by saying, “I thought the two of you would be in here.”

Issac says, “You looking for us, Gaius?”

Gaius glances at Aiden to include him with his response. “The banquet will be starting soon. Please return to your rooms. Servants shall soon be arriving to help you prepare.” He then bows and leaves.

Haylie sighs and walks to the door. She glances back at Aiden and says, “Well, see you at the banquet.”

Issac follows behind her and also looks back at Aiden. Annoyance flashes across his eyes as he shuts the door.


Aiden is escorted to the great hall and seated at the far end of the high table. The bench he shares is firm and cold. Issac and Haylie sit at the king’s sides in chairs adorned with red cushions and glittering diamonds. Both of them are deep in conversation with other guests.

Those same guests soon surround him, introduce themselves, and ask him a mind numbing amount of questions about his world and what kind of magic he’s interested in learning. They then follow up by explaining how they could help him live more comfortably, acquire a powerful weapon, or teach a secret family spell that is sure to come in handy. No wonder Kalani complained every time she had to go to a banquet.

A voice then asks, “Why didn’t you kneel earlier?” The surrounding guests gap at the question, but quite down in order to hear the reply.

Aiden soon feels as though everyone is staring at him, even the king. He takes a sip of his juice, wipes his mouth, and says, “I bow to no one.” He then forks food into his mouth.

“Insolence!” Gaius steps through the gathered guest and stands before Aiden. He soon discovers that Aiden has no intention of paying him any mind and bangs his hands against the table. “Is this the etiquette taught to guests in your world?”

Aiden continues as he is and serves himself more food. Then, as he reaches for his drink, Gaius slaps the goblet from his hand. Aiden watches as it clatters on the floor and spills its contents. He glances up at Gaius and says, “How wasteful.”

“You! “This is the first time I’ve ever felt shame for the sacred blood flowing through my veins! What is wrong with you?”

Aiden wipes his face as he gets up. Then, as he finishes setting down the napkin, he hoists himself over the table and drives his feet into Gaius’s stomach. Guards surround him with spears before Gaius can hit the floor.

Aiden clicks his tongue and says, “You summoned us. Everything going on here is your problem, not mine. Your gods could bless you with the strength needed to solve this problem, but instead they gave you that stupid circle to avoid wasting their precious power.” He then walks past guards and out the great hall.

He returns to his room, slams the door shut, and takes a breath. “That guy just ticks me off.” He then shakes his head and says, “I should just get to sleep. Synthesis magic is a lot more advanced here. I should be able to figure something out tomorrow.”

Aiden claps his hands together and reshapes part of the stone wall and floor into a simple bath tub. It is filled with water pulled from the air and heated. He then strips his clothes and washes himself before slipping into bed.



Aiden’s eyes open in the middle of the night. He doesn’t sit up, but remains laying down. Intruders are concealing themselves with magic, but their spells aren’t at a strong enough level to hid from him.

He waits for one to reach his bed before spring onto his feet. The sound of metal rings out as he delivers a quick punch to knock the intruder back. Then, as he dashes for the door, the lights turn on. Knights?

Five knights draw their swords as they step to intercept him. The runes inscribed on the blades glow as their spells placed on them activate. Aiden stops and hops back. “Anyone want to explain what’s going on?”

A pair of knights holding spears enter through the door.

“I’ll take that as a no…” Aiden then turns and dives out his bedroom window. He lands in the court yard and dashes for the gate. He considers turning back for Issac and Haylie, but realizes The king probably just sees me as a potential danger to their motivation. Remove me and he’ll get two invaluable pawns for his kingdom.

He’s soon beyond both the castle and castle town dashing through the woods.