Discussion Best novel in ScribbleHub: The Man Who Killed the First Monster

Discussion in 'Novel Discussion' started by userunfriendly, Apr 4, 2020.

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  1. userunfriendly

    userunfriendly A Wild Userunfriendly Appears!

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  2. slightofhand

    slightofhand Well-Known Member

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    Nice try Scribblehub advertising department...
     
  3. userunfriendly

    userunfriendly A Wild Userunfriendly Appears!

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    Cthulhu don’t work for advertising. :ROFLMAO:

    Go read. You will see why I started thread.:p
     
  4. TheZephyrStorm

    TheZephyrStorm Rock God

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    I will give it a try but I promise nothing else
     
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  5. userunfriendly

    userunfriendly A Wild Userunfriendly Appears!

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    It does not disappoint.;)
     
  6. Anra7777

    Anra7777 All powerful magic grammar hamster queen pirate.

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    “But he seldom makes the same mistake TWICE, and that's what we find so realistic.”

    >_> *known to make the same mistake multiple times hamster*
     
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  7. userunfriendly

    userunfriendly A Wild Userunfriendly Appears!

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    The MC, like every human being, makes new mistakes all the time.:ROFLMAO:
     
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  8. Viola

    Viola Studio Ghibli Fanboy Mother of Learning Fanboy

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    I've gotta ask. In what way?

    I only got to chapter 2. The story has good potential, the direction of the writing and story is good... but it needs some serious editing. I left a pretty scathing but constructive review in the comments on chapter 2 because I didn't want to influence a novel I thought had great potential in a negative way.

    Edit. Should say I did read your review.
     
  9. elengee

    elengee Daoist Ninefaps

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    Pretty sure when i saw the novel the first time i was like oh cool , as i like those rpg apocalypse novels where MC kills a goblin or whatever before anyone else etc. Can't remember why but was incredibly turned off from the story within 2 chapters as well.
    Typically this happens if there's turrible writing or a bad story, don't remember which it was for me at the time.
     
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  10. Viola

    Viola Studio Ghibli Fanboy Mother of Learning Fanboy

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    That was me too when I was just checking it out. It hits some interesting beats even within the first 2 chapters and the direction of the writing is good, he has the ideas and timing down. But the structure and technical quality is so poor it blends heavily into the flow of it all and makes it barely easier to get through than a passable MTL.

    All fixed with even some basic editing. Enhanced a lot with some good editing.

    This needs to be re-edited.

    I see potential so I won't bring this up in a review and potentially hinder it's growth, but it needs to be said so I'll say it here.

    I hope this is taking constructively since it is meant to be so.

    I'll use 2 paragraphs to show the two types of editing I think this needs.

    First one covers flow and structure mostly.

    "His head was aching and the first thing he saw was the night sky. Yet his view always shifted as if he was moving but his legs weren’t moving. He felt pain over his back like something scratching over the back of his skin. He looked around and saw the bare back of a person. His sight was still hazy as he could barely see a blur but as his vision recovered by time, he noticed who this person was."

    - His head was aching as he opened his eyes and saw the night sky.

    You don't need to tell us specifically that this is the first thing Jason sees, coming up to this paragraph we know he was knocked unconscious and just regained his consciousness. So just tell us what he sees, say he opened his eyes like you did and we know it's the first thing he is seeing. In that sentence you are repeating yourself, though it isn't egregious... given what was said before it is still true.

    - His view was shifting as if he were moving without his legs.

    When you say 'always' instead of 'was' it makes us seem detached from Jason and what's going on. He just woke up and as no idea what is yet going on. Bring us in, engage the reader more. Little things like this help keep interest more as the reader just fell closer to the events and characters. Not saying inky do this but in a case like this the word always pulls you out. At least it did for me.

    - He then felt a wave of pain rake across his back as he quickly looked around and saw the outline of a person.

    I combined the next 2 sentence because both were just short blurbs to give information. The abruptness combined with how short each on was took me out of it. In the first sentence you again repeated yourself, so I think just cutting it out and combining the two makes it more concise and makes it flow much better.

    Also by saying the outline of a person instead of the back of a person flows better. Before you said the word back 3 times withing a couple seconds of each other in reading time. Its awkward. Plus using the word outline hints that his vision hasn't fully returned. Previously it sounded like he could see fine until he couldn't. This way those two thoughts flow together better.

    - His vision was a blur, it wasn't until he willed his eyes into focus that he realized what exactly it was he saw.

    This again drags the reader in more, or so I feel. It also doesn't use two different words for the same thing in the same sentence ie. Sight & Vision. Just one of those small things that gives a person pause if they are reading carefully and engaged.

    Also using realized instead of notice just seems more intense. He just came to, to find himself being dragged away by a murderous goblin. Add some gravitas. There are real stakes here... or so we should be lead to believe.

    "His head was aching as he opened his eyes and saw the night sky. His view was shifting as if he were moving without his legs. He then felt a wave of pain rake across his back as he quickly looked around and saw the outline of a person. His vision was a blur, it wasn't until he willed his eyes into focus that he realized what exactly it was he saw."

    This is my take and fixing the flow and structure of this paragraph to help keep the reader more deeply engaged. I obviously feel this is a better way of going about it while still hitting all the points you hit in your own paragraph.

    2nd paragraph in my comment to this.
     
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  11. elengee

    elengee Daoist Ninefaps

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    The part where the first appearance of a monster, with the woman being like help, was very movie-esque, like in a thriller/horror movie like aliens or whatever, definitely more depth in that regard than a 'oh a green thing, grab a pipe, bam'. Just missing some of the brutality you'd get from the visual impact of such a thing but that's a matter of genre, not story.
     
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  12. Raneday

    Raneday Ara Arara

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    Have you tried reading TreeTree's story? Tree of Aeon
     
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  13. Mateeushoffman

    Mateeushoffman [陸軍] [Bored]

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    I was going to try but there's a "tragedy" tag, I'm not a fan of that.
     
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  14. SugarHighWolf

    SugarHighWolf Well-Known Member

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    I have to disagree. The best novel on scribble hub is "He Who Fights With Monsters".
     
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  15. Devil Heart

    Devil Heart Well-Known Member

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    Heol i literally just read this today
    Actually i come to this forum cause i thought the title is this
    It turns out a different novel
    Oh well good to know another novel on my reading list
    Hahahahhahaha
     
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  16. Tanyia

    Tanyia Well-Known Member

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    Will read... after I finish this other novel :blobdead:
     
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  17. DeirdreH

    DeirdreH Well-Known Member

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    There are good novels on ScribbleHub? I occasionally end up on that site by accidentally click on one of the spam links on the front page and 9 times out of 10 either the tags or the description look like cancer.
     
  18. userunfriendly

    userunfriendly A Wild Userunfriendly Appears!

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    :ROFLMAO: That’s what I thought...3 months ago. Then I found this last week.:D

    As mentioned, needs editing..but most authors don’t have editors. And as an editor myself, YOU CANNOT DO YOUR OWN EDITING EFFECTIVELY!!!

    Sad, but true.:p I edit, and the translator goes over my edits. :rolleyes: