I know, I know. I generally put too much personal info but I really do need general advice. My (20F) bf(19M) have been dating for about 3 months now. He has this habit drinking a bunch when I do something that upsets him. I can tell he’s upset and try to get out of him but he never says anything. He goes and gets black out drunk (He blacks out easily) with his friends and then comes to me, physically or over something phone basically asking do you love me? It’s okay if you don’t? Tell me. Over and over. With that, I have always said yes and I have been upset with him when he behaves like this. This time we are separated because we are in quarantine. We are really physically people and being with each other physically is important to us. As of now, being physically apart has taken a toll on us, especially on him. I recently ask if we could not text everyday. Like we don’t have to text everyday. He agreed to it but I personally do t think he took it well. He tends to worry he’s too clingy and I think my request made it worst. This was something I was afraid of so I held back asking until now. I don’t think it got through him when I tried explaining that I felt like texting everyday especially during quarantine when everyone’s live are the same is super repetitive and that we should text when we have something to say mainly. I am not a good texter tbh. I believe my request made him think that I was losing interest in him. He has insecure about ur relationship due to a lot of different things I won’t explain. He has now asked that question again. Do you love me? I don’t know what to say. To be honest, I sure many of you think that’s really early in the relationship to say those words. He has also been farther along and I always felt like I was trying to catch up to him in the feelings department. I do believe I love him at times. When I’m spending time with him, I find myself smiling and I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside that I don’t get for others. I took that as what I think my feelings are. This is my first relationship so tbh I don’t know what love romantically means. I think I love him sometimes when I spend time with him and am there with him physically. But other times, I’m not in love. I really like him but I don’t love him unconditionally. I don’t love him with infatuation. What do I say? I can’t say, I love you sometimes. I can’t say I don’t know. Logically, I know I should tell him. But I want don’t ever want to hurt him in anyway. I know by telling him this. I will absolutely hurt him. He loves me. He loves me very much. I know that. How do I tell a man that loves me so much, how I’m feeling? I don’t want to lie. Ever. I don’t want to lead him on as some people say. I don’t want to hurt him. What do I do?
I don't think the def. of love is the same for everyone. You don't hv to be madly in love with him, you don't hv to match up to his feelings; take your time building up your relationship... give it time and see where it goes from there. Maybe your feelings will be stronger then. And I think you hv to be more honest. Tell him all those things you disclosed here, that being with him makes you smile and feel warm and fuzzy inside. That would be a good start. You don't hv to explicitly mention "loving him", hesitate, deny or reassure; just mention what you truly feel from the heart.
The subtext of you asking not to text everyday is: Your day isn't interesting, you aren't capable of coming up with interesting topics of conversation, etc. Which might be true, but still a fairly brutal subtext. If you decide to stay together do something online together, it doesn't matter what. Online scrabble, World of Warcraft, jigsaw puzzles, you can chat about the game and play it an hour a day if you have voice chats of any type setup. Texting/email is the worst communication except for no communication.
It's really a complicated situation tbh. You love him but not too much, as what you've said. If he really loves you, he would be hurt too deep either you delaying the matter or halfheartedly love him. I hope you'd take some time to think of it before you decide on anything. Relationship is really complex. You can't avoid hurting yourself or any one else in this matter. Like the case when two people are in love, it is inevitable for someone who loves you or your boyfriend to feel hurt when he/she learns about it
Is this... a subreddit post on relationships? It looks line one. Certainly is. I'll be honest with ya, I ain't reading ya post, but I'll tell ya very good advice for any given situation. Specially when it involves relationships. COMMUNICATION! All you need is to communicate on the same line on the same page... BUT! Of course, there are boundaries in all relationships, no matter how "open" they are to each other. Before addressing your concern to him, I recommend having a bottom line. Be firm about it. If the situation rises to the point you need to make this thread, then don't shy away from whatever happens next. Do it. Communicate! It's better to burn a bridge or cross it than leave it halfway done.
My dumb brain can only think that you have to tell him to not text you everyday. But this will definitely hurt him, so you will have to do something mitigate the damage. As for what to do? I don't know, you can give him something, made an agreement about something, or just anything that will make him less hurt. Keep in mind that this is just from some random person on the internet.
The best option would be to go to a counselor. They will give your way better advice than what you will get here. As for my take, 'love' isn't what mass media tells you it is. IRL you don't just give unconditional love 24/7 to someone. There will be problems. There will be fights. There will be arguments. You will absolutely hate each other sometimes. But what a relationship entails is that you guys will have put effort into communication and actively try to make it work out.
This one is a gold advice. Yes, the definition 'love' is not the same for everyone, and there's no telling which type is the 'best' or 'worst'. I think the key to a healthy relationship is trust, toleration without being stepped upon, and communication. and yes, i 100% agree with this too! I believe that you need to communicate this with your bf. About the pace of your relationship, about how you feel, about how he feels about you. From your story, it seems that he is worried about something. Maybe the both of you should try to make time and properly discuss it (not with messsges, but a call/vidcall, maybe?). I know about not wanting to hurt your significant others. But in relationships, usually discussing a problem would be better than let it fester, even though it'll sting a bit. Focus on how to handle this challenge 'together' as a 'couple'. It's not you vs your bf, but you and your bf vs the problem.
I'm not an expert so take my advice with a grain of salt. It's normal to have relationship problems. Just don't give up too soon when the problem is too difficult. Communicate with eachother, ask him what the problem is and what you can do to help and etc. When you say you love him, it doesn't have to mean that you should be happy and bright around him at all times. Loving for another means caring for them unconditionally and respecting eachother. But there are times where you have to put a foot down when there's a problem. And the first step is communication. First relationships can be pretty difficult since the both of you don't know what to do, but as long as you guys make an effort to know and love eachother, then you're good to go
Relationship is a complex emotions that are quite hard to decipher. Your feelings may not be the same yet how you progress depends on how you proceed. People are always insecure about many things but you don't need to completely devote to understand the definition to make out your feelings. Take it slow and proceed upon your pace. Your BF is just afraid but always be honest with him. I think its best that you should call rather than text most of the time since thats how insecure text are to others. You might think that texting is fine but people can always misinterpret words and ended up conflicting the relationship you both had. While honest is the best choice, you also need to be try to ask him to proceed to with both your paces. Just because he loves you that much, doesn't mean you have to do the same. Always be calm and try to take on the relationship at your own pace and be open with one another. Relationship is mostly done on trust and acceptance rather than be honest and clingy. While you seem to be the older one, you don't have to act mature all the time and try to understand one another. While you are new to the relationship, you should try to be open and understand how love works at your own pace. While i've never been in a relationship before, its always be first to understand everything before proceeding on the choices you pick. You have the freedom to chooose and you only need to be understanding to not only to your partner, but to yourself as well.
None of my past relationships ever worked out, so don't take my advice seriously, all I know is that it always ended 'cause of some sort of miscommunication. So yeah, talk to him about what you feel and ask him what he feels about it. Also, don't worry too much about not always liking him. Dating someone requires you to take in the full package, not just the good stuff. There's bound to be things you don't like about them or things you both don't see eye to eye with, it's perfectly normal. You both can try to sort things out with each other, it's a team effort afterall.
@leo.d. That’s a tough question with no easy answers. Personally, I believe honesty is the best policy. I would tell him that you care deeply about him, but it’s a little to early to know all the feelings going through your heart. Especially since your unsure what love means. It’s an age old question. What is love? And you’ll get a thousand and one answers. Even after hundreds of years people are still trying to figure it out. So you not knowing what love is. Is not that strange. Besides if he is Mr. Right he will respect your thoughts and will be understanding. Also to tell you the truth he does seem a little clingy. Maybe a little space will do him good. Whatever you do. Realize you can be a little selfish. This is your life too. Do what makes you happy.
Like many others have said, talk to him about it. You both seem to be holding back your feelings and worry is brewing on both sides. I know you're scared to hurt him but he might feel more relieved and less anxious/clingy if he truly knows how you feel. It can be hard to accept that someone doesn't quite feel the same way you do and there's a lot of pressure when one side feels more. If he loves you, he'll be understanding. Remember that you're one half of this partnership too. You don't need to follow his pace. Have a good talk with him about how you feel and take your time with the rest. If there's anything my relationship has taught me, it's to talk frequently and honestly about anything bothering you before it can fester into something more. Also, it might be a good chance to let him know that you're worried about him and whatever he's going through right now. You mentioned other things going on and it sounds like he's trying to cope by drinking.
I do think that you need to tell him that, maybe say it in a nicer word so he wouldn't hurt to much by it, and I do Recommended this Play game together or just do what you usually like if you like reading? Maybe you can tell him about the novel you currently read so you can have another topic to discuss on
*picks teeth with toothpick* Remember it is always easily misunderstood a love is unconditional attachment and full on tears. Seeing how you have described him, I'm guessing he is really hurt and maybe betrayed and is very scared of repeating it again so is making sure he isn't doing anything too much or too little. This might sound crazy, but I suggest you laugh it out when he asks you for confirmation and say along the lines "fool I wouldn't have picked up if I didn't love you." Ehh.. Maybe too cheesy. Just make the situation lighter, and give a indirect answer that you will never betray him from behind but say it on his face... If it come may. Just give a feeling of absolute confidence in him. Giving a serious talk or getting angry would just make him feel more insecure about his actions and way of life. ( After reading some above. My own view, don't reach out to him to say how awkward you are feeling, he just won't get how it's just you, he'll go Haywire thinking it's going to happen all over again and he's done something wrong again). That's something I took cue from how physical touch is important to him. Being physical means you trust him with your body. And now being away he can't seem to connect with feeling over just words. Ps- ofcourse I might be wrong, do judge it on your own.
First, you've come to the right place, and I'm baaack lol. What you're feeling is enough, you don't have to feel love all the time, not sure that's realistic or possible even. Why aren't you meeting still? I know most people aren't respecting quarantine, depends on the country I guess. Yeah texting now when life is super boring doesn't make sense and there are plenty of people like you who aren't texty, that's normal. He should understand this, but as you said he's clingy and that's not good. I've seen several relationships where one of the couple was clingy and none of them was healthy. Does he have stuff to do or does his life revolve around you? You should aim for a healthy relationship and if it stops being one, be decisive. A lot of people are staying in a bad relationship simply because of invested time, they keep throwing bad money after bad. TBH I was somewhat clingy, not that much but there was for example I girl I started going out with and she wanted an alone time sometimes. I couldn't understand that, I was bored and hyped, let's go do something, sex, cuddle, movies, drink... Anyway give it a try, if it becomes an unhealthy relationship let it go, he'll understand in a few years, or not.
If you don't like texting, you can call each other or skype or something. Texting isn't the only form of communication available at this time. If his drinking is something that bothers you, and it's to the point that you're concerned about his safety (blacking out from getting drunk doesn't sound very good), I think you need to have a conversation about that. Mainly because it's bad for his health and might lead to more behavior that would put himself in danger in the future. imho, in a relationship (at least one that you care about), honesty is the best policy. Let him know that you do care about him and you don't want to hurt him but that you're not quite where he is romantically (but you're trying your best). And don't just say you're trying your best, show it using your actions by reaching out to him instead of waiting for him to contact you and letting him know you appreciate him when you do. You don't have to feel rushed into meeting the extent of his feelings either. If he genuinely loves you, and he sees you're trying your best, he should be understanding about it. You're not at fault for not loving him as much as he loves you; it's just how you feel and there's nothing wrong with it. You also might want to ask yourself if you're staying with him genuinely because you want to, or because you feel like you have to because he loves you so much that you can't bear to break up because you know it'll hurt him. If it's the second, you should probably end the relationship before either of you becomes more emotionally attached to each other.
Read this, if you want to keep your relationship, then communication is an option, otherwise, just break up
She makes a good point. Even thou I say selfish. It’s more like are you doing this for the right reason. You can think about yourself. Caring about him is an admirable thing, but in the end do what makes you happy.