This post will pretty much be me complaining, so don’t bother reading if you got something else to do. I just feel like “talking”. So this year I lost my dad to cancer. It was a long term, emotionally draining and financially expensive battle. Although I’m proud of him for hanging on to life for so long. I know I would not wanna do that if I were in his shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I adored my dad, he was like a “god” to me. But he did have his faults, too. Let the complaining begin: I know it was not his intention, as he wanted only the best for our family, but technically because of his decision about 20 years ago now our family is all split up. One grandma and aunt/uncle in one country, one grandma and relatives in another country, my mum and dad lived in a different country to where my brother and I live as well. I mean I understand his reasoning for wanting me and my brother to study abroad when we were young, I do, but somehow I was more of an adult in my childhood than I am now. Oh, of course it’s also my own fault for being lazy and what not. But the distant family relations, the “hey I got cancer” dread, and my parents expectations despite “you can do what you want”, but at the same time “no, you can’t do that it’s a bad idea, go help me with this”. How did they expect me and my brother to grow up normal with no parental control ever since we were not even a teen? I honestly hate the fact that they made me feel like that and make it sound as if I never worked or tried anything. That’s not true. But how do you expect me to hold a stable job when every so often they gave me tasks to do from abroad? What normal employer would give me so many days off? And I always have this idea in my head: if I just ignore my family and stick to a job- hey I can do that. But I will never see my family. And life is too short, people die suddenly. My dad died like a week before the date of my flight to see them was. Cruel, right? Or is it ironic? Hehe, but it gets better. Instead of grieving like normal people, and “finally “ being free to get a stable job etc, it turned out that not only did my dad leave behind many big debts (he was a very kind hearted businessman, ok he did have money but he invested it into other business ventures when his “friends” suggested it. Where are those friends now? Somehow the fact that those businesses were used to profit them has slipped their minds, I guess. And those debts (eg bank credit to build some stuff ) was now transferred to my mum and probably my brother and I in near future. Why near future? Oh, apparently a biopsy showed that my mum has something unclear in her body, possibly a cancer. They will check again soon, but (knock on wood) if it is cancer then that type is actually worse than what my dad had... Hmmm ok now let’s go get a stable job, right? Who is gonna look after her if it’s really cancer? So no job. But hey, you are most likely gonna have all your stuff confiscated- so yes to job. So what’s the point of living in different countries? At least if we lived in the same country (with the same inheritance laws too- another mess) - I could work and see her after work if something did happen... I told her that if I was sick and knew I’d die soon - I would clean up stuff and go traveling. I think she wants to have an operation if it is a tumor. I respect that choice, but now I’m worried about all those debts and whether there would be enough money for that operation. In case if it’s needed. But hey, if it’s not cancer- it doesn’t mean something else won’t happen. Today I feel like it’s karma’s joke. My first thirty years were fine (at least on paper, let’s not count my family issues and emotional or psychological issues). Probably better than fine in many people’s opinion. (Though honestly if I had a simpler and more stable life - that would have been fine too). And now my next thirty years will be full of hardships. Especially emotionally. Not just the grief of possibility losing both of my parents before I’m even middle aged, but also having to probably pay a part of my “future” (when I do get a job, if I ever get one) salary towards repayment of those debts. Now, tell me, what’s the point of my life? I really don’t understand. I mean I used to have goals and aspirations. I wanted to help people, like social worker or coach or something (well that was before my latest depression when I decided to just read novels). And I know that we got to pay for everything in this life. And I will, even though I feel very reluctant to, as it’s the law. But I didn’t choose my parents. I didn’t chose my dad’s character or his job. I was against him sending us away, but I always did what he told me to do. Perhaps I’m weak willed. But when you see your patent as “god” and are used to following “orders”... I’m not sure what even I expected of myself back then. But with the whole karma thing we got to pay for it all, it seems. Although my dad was a workaholic and a good kind man he died of cancer middle aged. Although my mother feeds stray cats she will probably die young too. Although I wear plain jeans and T-shirts type lifestyle, I will have to help my mum repay a debt neither she not I have asked for. Yes we’ve lived well (house car etc etc) but it was never “gold covered toilet “ type well off. I mean everyone hates paying taxes, and giving part of my salary away to repay a debt would feel as frustrating as that, I suppose. Hey, karma, if I was never excessively “happy” why do I have to be in such a mess now? Somehow it doesn’t add up. Maybe it’s because I was too blinded by pride in my dad? But hey, he would not have listened (and in fact he didn’t listen on more than one occasion) when my mum and I told him that he would never see a single cent from those business ventures. I really feel sorry for my mum. She just lost her lifelong partner and has to deal with that financial mess. Perhaps it’s just a part of grieving process to feel angry, but for most people it’s about the “I lost my important person “ type anger. For me the financial worries just eclipse it all and I can’t even properly pray for his soul. And now I also have to worry about my mum. Honestly the lazy part of me would have preferred to not receive any inheritance and just work in a fast food joint. Life would have been much simpler and calmer. it’s as if I have to pay for every dollar my parents have ever spent on me (and then some). But I’m really annoyed. I mean if my parents told me, hey we used xyz amount to raise you pay us back- I would have been fine with it even if I had to sell a kidney. But I hate the idea for paying for a debt my family never saw a dollar of profits from to begin with. Sometimes I wonder if my dad did not have cancer, how would he have dealt with those debts? Technically some of those “friends” owed him (and thus now my mother) a lot of money (at least one of the several debts could be covered). But that person is unlikely to return that money now. Friends right? What’s paperwork between friends? Love and trust all over, right? (That’s my dad’s kindhearted mistake, I wonder how he would feel about that now? Probably betrayed. I know I would.) Yeah betrayal is a big part of my life in recent years. I mean it’s partly my dad’s and my mum’s and I fault for trusting those people or even “optimistically” investing into stuff. But it’s partly those friends fault. I really wonder what sort of karma they would get if/ when they don’t help my mum to close those debts now? Oh yeah, another worry: if my mum does pass away before we are determined as a bankrupt family and stuff gets confiscated- I have no clue how to deal with it all in three different countries with one country I am technically a tourist in, another country I need to re-do my passport for (as I haven’t been there in like 10-15 years) and a third one has many strict laws... Hell even if I sell my heart liver and lungs I would not be able to cover it all... My mantra for many years have been “everything is gonna be alright “. Why don’t I feel that anymore? Some religious people might tell me “it’s a test” and all that. Hey my dad was an honest law abiding, family man, workaholic and a caring friend. What test is it to suffer 8-9 years (whole bunch of new expensive treatments and chemos were used, actually it’s a miracle he held on for so long) to then die before the age of 55? Huh? What wrong did he do? Oh and other “bad” people live happy long lives. I mean I’m lazy and stuff, so if it’s all to test me- sure. But what did my workaholic mum ever do wrong? I really don’t understand.
My condolences for losing your dad and I think you should call a lawyer. You have a hard phase right now but even that will pass. Good luck.
First, my condolences. Second, I am the kind of person who will do something if told not to do it (most of the times especially online) so yes I couldn't help it but read the whole thing. Third, I am a logical person but believe in super naturals and religions (somethings just can't be explained by science and are out of the human control) so yes it is a test and good people will face harder tests so they deserve their place in heaven (how the person reacts facing those tests would either mean a better place or a a worse place in heaven). Fourth, be strong mate, collapsing wouldn't do you any good, remember the good times with your family. Fifth, forget about those so called friends helping you or at least don't wait for them to help paying the debt. Sixth, look for opportunities online to get money like work from home and bitcoing and advertising. Seventh, try to get funds some way or another (there are lots of good people) so try gofundme or gofundraise And finally, as a fellow nuffian, sorry I can't be of any help
Hang in there. Your family's wonderful. Your father will be missed. "What does not kill you makes you stronger." https://www.thebestbrainpossible.com/what-doesnt-kill-you-makes-you-stronger/: "Hell, sometimes what doesn't kill you can make you weaker and devastated. (...) Recovery and getting stronger doesn't just magically happen. It takes work. Hard work. But, a lot of times "What doesn't kill us" is the jolt that motivates change." Motivation. Learn from your father's mistakes; don't trust easily. Learn from your mother's mistakes; insist on what you believe. Learn from your own mistakes; fight for your ambitions. Right now, you need to fight. Fight for a future where you'll pass these teachings onto your grandchildren, if that's what you want.
Different countries have different laws about debt. In the country I live in children don’t have to repay their parents debt. Yeah your Mom would have to, being married to your father, but not the kids. No matter the law they’d have a tuff time strapping the debt to you because you live in another country. As for your Mom to help her pay her debt, I’d look into selling some of the things they own.Did your father own a business? If he did, I’d look into selling. What about other things of value? Things your mom doesn’t care about. What about her house/land? If she’s in debt and can’t pay, sell it off and move somewhere more affordable. Did your dad own a vehicle? Sell it. You can get more out of those things selling them yourself, than you will if the bank takes it. Then you can use it to pay off some her debt. Edit: What about retirement funds? Did you your dad have a 401k? When my dad had cancer he used part of his retirement fund to pay his bills. Maybe your mom is entitled to that money if he had one. What about life insurance? Did he perchase any? If he didn’t own his own company, and worked for somebody sometimes the employer offers free life insurance as part of its benefit package. As for medical bills, make sure your Mom saves proof for every dime she paid. Hospitals are greedy, they can and will bill you twice for the same thing. As a “paper mistake”. Save all receipts for paid bills. Pay attention to amounts too. Sometimes they send the same bill, but worded different. If it’s the same amount as the last one you paid down to the cents. Make sure it isn’t the same bill. Give the hospital a call. I’ve seen them do that to my own parents, but my folks kept their receipts.
Big hug. I can certainly understand why "kids" on here insult and attack me. It is repressed rage from their lives. Also, you should be flexible in your definition of a family. No matter how old you are. You can get a mentor to be a parental figure in your life. Freedom is overrated, you learnt that earlier than most. P.S. helping others is the best way to help yourself. Do selfless things for selfish reasons. Over and out!
Well, as someone that had been in a similar situation like you, and have been alone since several decades ago.....I guess all I can say to you is My condolences and good luck to your future. For me personally, while I had overcome some of my own circumstances, I'm still struggling with depression and asking myself "what the heck am I still doing with my life?". But, a random support from "Anime" is what still get me going.
I admit, I skimmed parts of the second half. the bits where it was mostly mentions of karma and re-mentioning the debt (there wasn't much in the way of new information which I wanted to get straight to). At the very least, you cannot be forced to inherit a family members debts. you would have to give up on the parts of the inheritance you would have received. but honestly if the debts are going to swamp it and there is little in the way of sentimental value (as you mention, everyone in the family lived across the world, so you haven't the shared memories that bring many people to keep stuff of sentimental value) Keep your hopes up, they may have found something wrong with your mother, but further tests could very well show it to be something less serious than originally feared. It happens all the time, where it is better to warn people and have them fear the worst than be taken by surprise when something minor explodes into something major. Karma has it's ways, but it is more of a reactionary force than a driving one. In this case I fear fate and destiny are stepping in to guide you somewhere and you need to prepare yourself to reach the destination. Loss of family will always be hard no matter how bad the relations are. I lost one of my grandparents as a child and despite not liking her and only having met her twice, the sting of reality when I realised I had lost a part of my family was rather harsh and hard to deal with. My family shares a similar string of events as well, so I will probably have to worry over this myself in the coming weeks as my mom is facing tests and checks for her throat after being warned she may have been pre-diabetic, with a long family history of cancer sufferers. Dad wanted a job in the UK so we left Canada and all of my moms relatives behind, then years after living in the UK my parents split and he went off to Northern Ireland where his relatives are. currently I officially live a few miles from where my mom, while my 2 brothers are elsewhere in the country. I also considered cutting family off to free myself but couldn't bring myself to do it to my mom. as it stands I will be having her live with me for the next 2 years or so, so I can at least keep tabs on her without such long-distance issues to consider. It's good to get everything off your chest here and now where there is little consequence so you can focus on being in the right place mentally and physically later. I take it your flight at least gave you a chance to have a final visit and chance to grieve. The best you can do is be there for your mother now, and to piece together what debts can be written off or settled. My mom was able to use a debt agency to contact up each company or bank she owed money and basically got an agreement to settle the balance if they would accept a lesser amount upfront instead of trying to collect the full sum over a long period of time. companies will often take this gladly as it settles their accounts and to be honest even they know at that point all they are chasing down is interest and the interest accrued on that interest, since the majority of any debt is often almost entirely repaid during the original agreement cycle. Some places try, but if you deny the inheritance in full, then they cannot pass the debts off to you either. I believe there are also multiple types of inheritance so its possible on occasion to inherit something of sentimental value without getting the financial inheritance along with its attached debts. I always thought that debts had to have a clause in them mandating the debt falling to relatives in the chance the signee passes on before its repaid, and binding 3rd parties to a contract they didn't sign was always a very suspicious practice IMO. Our parents, separate as they were and always of differing opinions as to who was to blame for the breakdown in the marriage, have always reminded and apologised to me and my siblings for not having anything to give us in an inheritance come the time they pass on. growing up with a tight budget but still getting the necessities that allowed for a relatively normal, if not slightly well off childhood. meant we grew up not expecting to inherit any sort of wealth or property and so we developed our lifestyles around that such that I have no personal need to worry about debt collectors or other shady individuals to come knocking on my door.
My condolences and i'll be honest here Why your good dad must be dead? I will borrow some phrase from my religion holy book every single living being will die so isnt it obvious i'll die, you will die and even our member in family too so dont be depressed it is natural way you cannot stop or bothered by it anyway secondly is there any use in complaining? Its not like only you has problem here. Some people lost their job and get bankrupt, some people lost their lover or family, and even some people out there dont even know what to eat because they have lost everything they ever had. Its laugahable ust because some small debts and a financial problem you got depressed. I'm in a problem too. I dont have stable job, my saving in my bank account is decreased and almost gone and somehow. Sometimes i think about suicide but when i think long enough there is many thing that worth for living, even though mine is not long anymore. Everyone has problem they have to face it is a test for me and maybe its just trouble for you, nothing else. You are still living now and i think it will be along time before you death so dont give up, Its a fortune it self you still has family to support you both mental and material. Its fortune itself you still alive. My point here is dont just cry just because small problem cheer up, you will be make it. I dont know who are you or where you are but all i can say is work hard buddy. Keep moving on.
Not sure, probably can as they got passed onto my mother and she lives in another country from where the businesses are registered (and operating) in Lol, I really wish it was just a “little debt” as you say, sadly it’s literally in millions (S) of dollars. Thus even if we sold everything to repay it I doubt it would be enough. But you are right, just breathing and seeing another sunrise is good enough. I hope your life gets better too. Thank you for everyone’s comments, I really appreciate them
Give yourself a time to breathe first. Mourn your father's death. Now, find a lawyer. You should let those with the know-how to deal with the situation. Plus, the investment, follow through that at least, but don't expect much unless there are written contracts. As for your mom, get her checked. That way her health would be not be one of those unknowns that would stress you out. I wish you luck. I hope you and your family stays strong in the face of adversary.
My deepest condolences. Well, that was a depressing read. I can certainly empathize with the feeling of the world working against you. While I mightn't be able to assure you that everything's going to be all right, believe me when I say that the next 30 years of your life isn't going to be as dark/bleak as you imagine. Us humans always manage to steal small moments of happiness even among the worst of hardships. Even if your life doesn't turn out ideal, there will always be instances of joy, things to look forward to, and hope. For now, focus on what you can do/change instead of worrying too much about what you can't. Pray for resilience. And stay strong. This too shall pass.
Everybody have say something good. Which is great. I’ll just say healing takes time. You remind me of myself. I have nagging parents too. They always order me around as if I don’t have a job. Over the years, I was so burn out I just decided enough was enough. I now try to do what I can and leave the rest for them. If they can’t deal with it or their emotion about how I responded, that’s their stuff. I have a job and myself to care for. If I loose my job, not only am I screw, so are they. I hope you take care of yourself. Stay optimistic!