Short Story My first ever story I made for fun it's not that good but I hope I can get some feedback

Discussion in 'Community Creations' started by Mayuyuu, Jun 4, 2021.

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  1. Mayuyuu

    Mayuyuu New Member

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    A Different Outcome

    Chapter 1

    My ears ringing, my hands stained by blood, there I saw my best friend before my eyes, cold, stiff, and pale.

    I start to remember what happened bit by bit. We were just drinking at a local bar when I my sight started to fade, I soon realized that i had been drugged, then I lost my consiousness.

    Recollections of what happened filled my head, I went berserk then started to rampage, killing people one by one, the police soon came, but my friend refused to go away and tried to stop me. I can't remember what happened next but..

    As soon as I came back to my senses everyone was dead. and a knife had pierced my friends chest, a knife I was holding.

    knowing I woke up, he spoke with a weak voice

    "You're finally back, took you long enough."
    As soon as he finished speaking he coughed blood,

    Tears and snot filled my face.

    I told him sorry over and over again, I regretted what happened, I blamed myself over and over again, but he said while struggling to touch my shoulder

    "It's not you're fault…. and I'm glad I died doing something heroic….. besides if I had to get killed…… I would've wanted that person to be…… you."

    "I have no regrets…… on sacrificing myself to protect you…. after all….. were best friends"
    He had a satisfied look on his face and his hand on my shoulder slowly slid down.

    I felt despair, he was my only friend, he was the only one who supported me, he helped me when I hit rock bottom, now he's gone, before I could repay him for all He's done.

    Unable to handle the despair and regret, I took out the knife on his chest, pointed at my chest and said

    "I'm Sorry, a world without you…. is a world I can't imagine."

    I knew he would've wanted me to live, to tell his tales to my descendants, and to always remember him, even though… I can't live without him. I pierced my chest with the knife, and slowly lost my consiousness.

    I said one last thing to him before I lost my consiousness, with my all my strength and will power I hugged him and whispered

    "I hope you forgive me in the next time we meet."

    Chapter 2

    "……..ey……..hey……..Hey, Wake up! What happened to you? You suddenly passed out on our way to the bar. I brought you to your house."

    Hm? It's his voice!….. I guess this is the afterlife… although this room really looks like my room back when I was alive

    Supprised and happy I said

    "Haha we already meet as soon as we died what an amazing coincidence"

    He looked confused and replied

    "Are you tired?"

    he checked my temperature by putting his hand on my forehead

    "It's pretty normal… But still, Don't talk much, I'll go make shop for some groceries and some medicine."

    Memories of what happened before we died filled me as I was on the verge on crying

    "What do you mean I'm tired? Ofcourse I'm tired, you died by my hands, I killed you!"

    "What are you saying? Just get some rest already, this isn't a dream, although I'm glad you care about me to the point you'll regret killing me even in a dream."

    He soon left to buy some medicine and groceries to take care of me

    What was that reply….. he kept talking to me as if we're still alive……. Come to think of it….. This house, this room, and moreover his words… He said I passed out on our way to the bar….. Does that mean…. I came back in time?! But that means that the bar incident in which I killed him on, hasn't happened yet! Wait…… Bar incident? The Bar! The convenience store is right next to the bar!

    Without hesitation I head out towards the convenience store but……

    The Incident at the bar had already happened.

    Chap 3

    The Incident has just started and the person going berserk hasn't made it's way to the convince store and is being stalled by the police alongside some Special government forces.

    As I check the convenience store he was no where to be found, I went outside and searched for him

    Still no clue…… He might of already gone back home.. oh right!

    When I went home I saw him outside running around looking for me. The feeling of relief and happiness filled me, I thought I was gonna lose him again. I had the gods to thank for giving me a second chance. I then walked up to him

    He shouted worriedly

    "You! Why did you go out?! There was gunshots and screams over there why did you go there?!….."

    He patted my body to to search if anything had happened to me, then he looked up and saw my face full of tears while smiling

    "…….What…. Why are crying…. I should be the one crying here you idiot….. You made me so worried…"

    He started crying too but quickly got up and said to me

    "Now go back to your room and take a rest! You passed out and you went out and you're sweating bullets as if you ran a marathon."

    As he told me I took a rest and slept despite my eyes full of tears of joy.
     
  2. elengee

    elengee Daoist Ninefaps

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    3 chapters though? Even Emperor's domination chapters are longer than this combined :O
    Also, if you put each individual chapter in a spoiler link, you can keep updating it to add more of them, without ending up with a post that's almost as long as my wiener. :blobpats:
     
  3. babybb

    babybb Well-Known Member

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    Hi! You said you wanted feedback so I have some suggestions, feel free to do whatever you want with them.

    First off, it looks like there’s some inconsistencies with the verb tenses you’re using. The first sentence opens up with “My ears ringing” which, in the context of the sentence is pretty awkward without an attaching verb. Perhaps instead, “My ears were ringing,” or “My ears rung,” or maybe just an entirely new combination. Either way, your first chapter starts off like it’s in present tense, yet switches to past tense within the same sentence. Verb tenses can be a little finicky and confusing sometimes, but just be careful with keeping it consistent or else you’ll toss your readers around like a rag doll! :blobjoy:

    Something else I noticed was that your chapters are moving very quickly! There’s no problem with having a quick plot from time to time, but it’s nice to slow down a bit and let the reader soak in information. It can be a little hard to follow along if it’s moving too quickly, so a bit more detail here and there could benefit your story.

    Of course, another suggestion would have to be cleaning up some of the punctuation/spelling/formatting errors, but those are a quick fix and not too big of a deal.

    Overall, you have a fairly interesting start to your story! I hope you don’t get discouraged and keep working hard. Things can be difficult when you first begin, especially without much material for readers to connect with (it’s your first 3 chapters after all). Good luck~~ I believe in you!:blobhighfive:
     
  4. Mayuyuu

    Mayuyuu New Member

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    Thank you very much for the feedback I will take that in mind!
     
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  5. Mayuyuu

    Mayuyuu New Member

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    Thank you very much. I didn't know I could do that. I'll do so in the future if I ever make other one!
     
    elengee likes this.
  6. idlereader

    idlereader 『Agentt's Aunt』『Don't touch the Flowersss!!!!』

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    ummm... Hello.. 911? :blobpeek: