Hello, I created my first chapter of my first novel I speak Spanish, I tried my best to translate it I hope you like it and tell me that I can change or add Synopsis: The world has entered the path of evolution, can the human race survive this change using game system? Spoiler: First Chapter Chapter 1: The Beginning The Bruss family mansion was in the most coveted area of the Talca City. In a room of the mansion was Ian Bruss [Beep ... beep ... beep] Ian put the palm of the hand on the screen of the cell phone and turned off the alarm, opened his eyes and pulled up to get up, everything seemed very mechanically as if it were an everyday routine. He put on a kimono and went to the dojo of the enclosure, the Bruss family by maternal part was composed of martial artists dedicated to the art of the sword, while by paternal part was a family that followed the policy, its father Nicolas Bruss was the governor of the region, being only below the president of the country. From a young age he was trained by the two families to be the great heir, he presented talent in everything from the sword to the governability. When he arrived at the dojo he made a reference to the family symbol, showing respect to all the previous generations that created and improved the art of the family's sword for more than 600 years. At the end of sending greetings he stopped and walked to the side of the symbol to collect a katana An hour after he began the practice of sword art called Fang Style, he saw himself cut through the air creating a wave. With a slight smile he murmured "Hm already reached your level, uncle. Now that I have learned everything I want to see if you dare to fight me again he ..” "I think it's time ..." Ian went to take a shower to go to the main residence to have breakfast with the family. “Good morning Father and Mother," he said politely as he approached the dining room. His father nodded as he read the diary, while mother Daila Bruss said with a warm smile "Come, sit down we're about to begin" "Mm ... and my sister? Will not she have breakfast with us today?" Ian said as he looked at his sister's unoccupied chair "Do not worry about her, she went to train with her uncle to the mountain range. You must worry that your little sister does not reach you, she is fast forward "she said with a slight laugh her mother "I do not think I should worry, I already reached the domain, I do not think I lose even against my uncle" When Ian finished Ian, Ian looked at the carriage with the maid with breakfast, everything looked very nutritious with the healthiest, if anyone saw the food would die of envy, everything was perfectly prepared. Once the food was placed on the table, the father put the diary aside and spoke some words in the form of a label which was done before eating each meal After finishing the family's breakfast, the father spoke up and said, "Ian, it's time for you to find a partner of your level. The governor of the neighboring city has his daughter studying at your university. I have already arranged for them to meet after school " "..." "I have to know her before anything, not anyone deserves to take my son in my arms, should be someone who knows how to defend himself," said Mother "..." "..." "I'm going to college, I'll be back in the evening, do not wait for lunch," Ian said as he left the Mansion. When he left the compound he went walking, he preferred to walk than to go in a car like the other young people from rich families. At the moment he was going to the State University of the Andes where he studied political science, he was in his fourth year of study with 22 years of age, in academic terms he was not very outstanding since he did not put effort, but still it was above average. Upon entering the University Campus and arriving at the entrance of the building he met 3 of his friends. "Hey Ian, how have you been? Saturday will be Natalie's birthday, she will celebrate it in the Sheraton lounge, so we can go in groups, "said the tallest of the three. "I'll keep that in mind," Ian said with a smile that did not look natural. "Hey Ian ... why do not you come with me to the infirmary? You could help me with this ..." The girl said as she approached him whispering in her ear with a warm air showing her whole voluptuous body and squeezing her breasts against him. "It all depends on if you do not want to walk tomorrow ..." Returning the whisper in her ear while with the palm of one hand she traversed the skirt and tightened her butt tightly causing the girl to moan. Obviously Ian was no saint and would not reject such a request from this seductive girl with such a carnal body, and he did not have a couple he was in love with anyway. "Haha Kata, the day after tomorrow we must go to Natalie's birthday, if you accompany him now who knows if you can stand for Saturday haha" said the other friend with a friendly smile. "..." Kata was silent with a flushed face. "Well guys, start my class now, see you for lunch," Ian said. "So, to be able to govern a city, not only must have a good leader if not competent officials in each area, without them it is impossible for the governor to do it alone ..." The professor gave his talk to the audience while Ian I was looking at the sky through a window. Time flew by, the morning classes ended with lunch with his friends and now it was the last hour of the afternoon. At this hour of each day he was going to the University Dojo to train the members, he was the president of the club, Ian had won the national gold medal for 4 consecutive years. While instructing the members of the club with the basic positions of the wooden sword, he began to remember what his father had said to him, thinking to himself, "Now that I think about it, he did not tell me anything about her, not even the first name! How you want me to join her if I could not even recognize her! " With that in mind, he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his head, turned quickly thinking that some wrestling master had launched a sneak attack on him with low guard, but he saw nothing and the pain continued to increase, spreading to the heart and to each place Of the body, as if destroying every cell of the body, was an unimaginable pain. He managed to look at the other students to find a doctor, but seeing what happened lost all hope, they were all in the ground agonizing for the pain, so much pain that one could not or faint as the pain woke him up again, You could see how some were discolored their hair leaving some hairs in white. He could no longer keep looking and fell to the ground with her eyes closed as she shivered in pain. ..... He did not know how much time had passed, but clearly it was night, the pain was over, but still his body felt numb, he was the first to be able to sit. He looked up and saw the club members who were still lying down convulsing except for the vice president of the club who could barely try to sit down and another 5 person from a total of 100. "What happened? Has it been a virus or a biochemical weapon? I've seen that some terrorists can get them. "Ian thought as he looked at the others, he wanted to get up and help others, but he could barely sit. It took about 20 minutes and the strange sensation had already been removed, now he could stand and move with total normality. The seven members got together and Ian said "I'm not sure what happened, but I think we were attacked by a virus." "Terrorist attack? Who would be so stupid to attack our country? " "Nothing is safe yet, let's see how the other members are, I see they are no longer moving ... I hope it's not what I'm thinking ..." Ian said. ....... "... We have already r-reviewed the p-pulse of all.... and no one is alive!" Said a member of the club shivering. "Calm down, Kevin, do not panic, it'll be worse ..." said the vice president in a somewhat nervous voice. "..." Everyone was silent. "Call the ambulance, we do not know if this happened alone in the university or in the whole city!" Kevin who was the one who was most nervous went to quickly find his cell phone and said with a pale face "No signal ..." "Shit! It affected the whole region! "Said the vice president bitterly. "It's already 10:00 PM we have to go to our homes and see how our families are," Ian said with a worried face. "Let's get out of here first ..." When they all came out with a Shock state, there were thousands of people scattered all over the university grounds, the University had more than 15,000 students and considering that only about 5% of those affected lived, would add a figure of 13500 Dead! "Look, they're getting up! They're not dead!" Kevin said excitedly. Making others relax, thinking their families would not have died. "Let's go back to the Dojo to help others," Ian said with a much better mood. Upon entering the Dojo they saw that one of the members who thought he was dead was rising, one of the members of the club rushed to help him as they were close friends. He came up beside him and put his friend's arm behind his neck to be able to say "Quiet Mike, soon recover from numbness and you can move normally" "Ghrr ..." "Rest a little, I'll help you sit down, I do not understand what you just told me," said the friend. "GHRAAA!" He rushed on his friend and without giving him an opportunity to move, he tore a piece of flesh from his neck causing a blood spurt of 1 meter high splashing into the face of all his companions. "AHHHH! Ahh ... ah ... "It did not last long before he died. Everyone else was shocked it was his first time to witness a cold-blooded murder, no matter how brave someone says it is, when witnessing a death so for the first time it blood freezes to anyone. "Zo-Zombie ..." Kevin said with a horrified face. At the time the Zombie was going to attack the vice president who was the closest to Mike. Ian lunged to help him, but still the two-fingered tips were ripped out by the great force of the jaw. "AHHHH! My f-fingers "blood spurted like a small fountain All the members of the club exclaimed frightened, did not know what to do, beads of sweat flowing down their faces with their eyes wide open showing utter despair, as if their last drops of mental strength had worn out. First the infernal pain for hours, then a cruel murder in front of them, they no longer knew what to do, they had panic. So that without considering anything they all escaped from the Dojo. But how could Ian escape? he was right next to the zombie, because of trying to help the vice president. The moment he was about to escape, the zombie lunged at him with a monstrous force, if he had no physical superior to his peers had died in an instant by the force of the zombie. Ian knew he was in the worst possible situation, he had no sword at hand, otherwise he could solve this as a child's play, so in this situation of life and death I entered the same state I got in the mountain when Was going to fight wild animals in his training with his uncle. He relaxed his mind and he entered a state of calm with a cold aura, the killer intent was very slight, but there was something. Quickly hit with the knee on the wrist of the zombie to be able to get free of that hand, and positioned in the back of the zombie, making a chokehold in the neck with the chest of the zombie lying on the floor. -Crack! "I spent almost all the energy I had left, ah .. ah .. I have to get out of here before another awakens, but where can I go? Out there are many more zombies! "Just the moment the zombie died a notification completely rang in his mind, and square with text inside appeared in his line of sight. [Ding!] * Congratulations has entered the evolutionary path! * Congratulations has been the first in your region to enter the evolutionary path! As a reward you will be entitled to a Surprise Skill Box! Stats: Nvl 1 (80% exp) Strength: 13 Increases the physical ability to do a work, melee damage and physical damage skills. Vitality: 12 Corresponds to the functions of the immune system, cell regeneration, longevity. Resistance: 13 Increases body stamina and fatigue rate. Agility: 14 Increases flexibility and speed in exercising. Mentality: 13 It increases the neuronal processes and the nervous stimulus. Spirit: 9 Increases saved mana limit and mana regeneration ability. Good luck: 9 Increase the chance of getting better items (only applicable to surprise elements of the game system). Free stats points: 1 Surprise Skill Box: 1 Surprise Box: 1 Newbie Kit: 1 -The experience can only be obtained by killing or contributing to killing another being with his own body or with elements of the game. -The experience will be distributed based on the contribution made. -Can be killed due to damage greater than 50% caused by the body or system of the game will have a chance to abandon a Surprise Box and coins of the game. - Every 100 days a rookie village will open in each region. Chapter 2
I like this kind of story, it's just your word is still so "rough", so it makes us hard to enjoy your story. I understand your native language is not english,thats why there's a lot of "weird" or wrong sentences. But still,to mistakes "he" as "she" is bad. Hope you fix that so the reader wont be confused Keep going,good luck!
Use contractions. Native English speakers rarely say, for example, "do not" unless they're trying to put stress on the words to convey importance.
My inner voice translated all error so i don't know where you were wrong but i find it quite good , just not as good as other apocalypse story , if you make more i will gladly read.
Well , I don't see any problem in grammar. ( read too much in LNMTL that I can understand cats talk )
wao! a long sentence, use shorter ones pretty please~? :3 its policy more like a concept? use politics instead. -e.g. its my policy to help a child in need.- or -president blablabla started an aggressiv policy- or something like that i guess.... and what kind of person wears a kimono when going into a dojo lol give that man a yukata plz it hurts my soul. TT_TT and yeah i didnt read any further P.S: im not a native speaker nor do i have any knowledge about anything i just said, believe me on your own risk. -At side effects and risks ask your nearest pharmacist.-
yeah,if you read the beginning,just the beginning,than it's really not worth. I don't know what he thought of when he wrote it.. But,after that the story is ok,looks better than, well, I don't know?It's just the first chapter wtf.. Anyway @Pipe , continue writing and we will see what you will happen lol.
Lurking~ Your writing need a style. If not it feels like reading an essay. Also too many useless details. Try not to info dump but use references to certain parts to introduce things you want readers to know(doing it only when it is required is the best way)
It may be his first novel?And he said his native language is spanish..latin-based languages are different compared with english.i know,because my language is latin based too lol. In here almost everything goes,like a rule-free world...
A few notes Grammar. You did better than a lot of people in this regard, but you still need to improve a lot, especially with punctuation, wording, and sentence structure. Show more than tell. You're showing us things going on, but then explain the things that don't really need explaining as a narrator. Instead of telling us, "Ian went to do sword exercises, an ancient family technique passed down through generations of the Armstrong family" you can just say toward the beginning, "Ian's eyes snapped open at the sound of his alarm. With a heavy sigh, he reached over to his phone to stop the noise, and got up to begin his morning routine." So what if your character was somewhat lazy, not too serious about family tradition, and not a morning person? Then the actions go... Instead of brushing his teeth or taking a shower like a normal person would after waking up, Ian walked across the house to his family's dojo. Still in his pajamas, he yawned as he took a wooden sword from a rack near the door, and began to practice various sword techniques. Each technique looked incredibly difficult to perform, but Ian looked almost bored as he swung the wooden sword. And yet, each technique was seemingly performed with the utmost precision. After an hour passed, he stopped and went to put the wooden sword back. "Oh, whoops," Ian muttered as he stood in front of the rack holding wooden swords. Glancing to his left toward a flower symbol, he made a tired frown and called out, "Sorry, ancestors. I got really excited about the sword techniques, so I neglected my sacred duty of talking to you guys for a minute or two. Ah, I also forgot to wear my training clothes or whatever. It's fine though. Less laundry, right? You all agree? That's what I thought. You all have very practical minds like mine. "What? I did better than with my training clothes? Ah, ancestors, you should tell that to my father. Then I won't need to get dressed for ten minutes before swinging a stick." Ian put the wooden sword back, turned to the door, and waved back to the flower symbol as he said, "Bye now, ancestors. I need to go shower and eat and stuff." Not the best example, but the character's feelings and personality are more clearly shown through his actions. It also tells you that the character's been doing those exercises for a long time, and that he's extremely skilled with a sword. Those techniques are also most certainly connected to his family, as he was supposed to greet his ancestors begore doing them, and also does them at his home instead of receiving instruction somewhere else. If you want to add more details, add them through dialogue and action rather than explaining it all at once.
Well .... Language is language A novel is a novel ....... And a good novel have a style in the writing.... Also the novel dun actually follows the rule of English language. Well a style is like is your novel mc thoughts focus or third person focus or observational focus? Actually is the ratios make a unique style which allows the reader to feel the flow of the novel thus enjoying it.
This guy is right.. kimono is usually used on rare occasions such as formal ceremony, etc. Not to mention kimono is a bit difficult to put on by Yourself... I think the most approriate thing to use is something like dougi for practising martial arts at a dojo, even a tracksuit is fine lol.