Discussion Something that has yet to be heard, that I want everyone to hear.

This is a copy and paste from a post I made on my very own personal blog.. and. I just want to shout it somewhere, somewhere it will be heard.
But there is one thing I would like to mention. The love I speak of in this statement, also includes every kind of love. Be it in friendship or in its other variations.
__
The statement and confession I would like to make goes as follows:

I just realized this, and it just hit me, and i just well, I just want to tell someone, anyone. And I can never tell people around me.

I, I have multiple personality disorder. And never been diagnosed officially because my other selves strongly hate people. Only one of me actually likes people, he is the one at the forefront when it comes to socializing and interacting with others.

He is a goofy funny kind of guy that can get along well with others. He hides everything behind smiles and laughter, thus leaving all who knows US, that we are the goofy funny guy.

But that is not true, they have only seen that side of me because it’s the side that’s easily acceptable and adored by all. Thus making him the primary one when it comes to interaction.


So now, comes to the actual confession. I, I suppose us, have just gotten an epiphany as to why we have failed so hard at relationships.

Me and my other selves are not all fighting for control and constantly going crazy and going at each other, we are very organized and maintained. We each have our roles, but even though we are all so distinct, their are many things we share in common.

Such as our rules, our philosophies of life.

One of these philosophies is that we all believe in True Love, and desire for it. (I have grown up since childhood reading books, and in all those books, there are always those with OTPS, and about people going through all this crap together, and finally really falling and being in love with each other. I have read too many and for too long that I, we, cannot believe such a possibility does not exist for us.)

So we believe in true love. And we all want to be loved.

But, I just realized a pattern to things. A pattern to me and my previous relationships.

The pattern goes as:


The one who contacts and pushes for the relationship is the one who is lovable and adored, the one who can easily let others be easy.

Once he confirms that the guy likes him, and he, we, pursue a relationship.

He slowly shifts over to the next one who would like to be loved.

The next one is usually the Girl and the Rational one, they are the most welcoming when it comes to social contact and do not mind it whatsoever. And when the guy likes interacting with them as well, we start to think, “maybe, he can love ALL of us.”

But this so called thought has always been a subconscious one, and I’ve only been recently made aware of it, (like right now, hence my need to confess this realization. I just need to tell someone.)

The next to follow after them, is me, I am the most aggressive of all the others. The others call me Bitch, and I can confirm. I am a Bitch.

But my highly aggressive nature brings conflict and disrupts the somewhat smooth flow and transition between me and the other selves.

Thus making the people I date think that deep down, I’m an actually fucking mean ass ducking piece of shit Bitch.

But, I’m not. I too want to be loved, but we all exist for a reason.

I am a step that is NEEDED to pass by if we all want to truly be in love. If the guy can handle all my shit and all my crap, that I honestly don’t mean, then, doesn’t that mean he actually loves me?

Think of it as a dangerous climb that needs to be climbed in order to reach the actual depths of my/our heart.

But, no one has made it past. I’m too much for them I suppose. I’m much too much.


I just realized why we/I cannot find love. We ALL want to be loved, but if he cannot truly love ALL of us, then we can never truly love them.

I just realized this, wow, I’m so. I’m so shocked.

They always like the Silly one.

He’s the most agreeable and lovable, the nicest. The sweetest.

They find Rational and Girl interesting.

Rational is curious and asks nothing but questions. How he loves is to analyze and understand everything. He is forever curious and wants to understand, understand everything about someone who interests him. And this questioning and curiousness sparks conversation. Which sparks interest than affection.

Girl is sensitive and excitable. She loves love and is the nicest of us all. She is not as funny or goofy as Silly. But she is sweet, and such an entertaining one to watch. She is the shyest, and can only ever speak up when she is talking about her favorite hobbies. She, fangirls, hardcore. And based on interactions, people find her a bit hilarious, though, maybe she is funnier than Silly Hahahaha.

Then next is me, Bitch. I’m the first of the antisocial ones, we dislike people. Thus makes it hard for us to enjoy contact with others. But when the others love, we too feel that love, so we attempt in our own way to express it.

I, am aggressive. Think tsundere in anime. I’ve been called that before, Girl calls me that. Though I scoff at the notion. She calls me an “Ojou-sama”. Though, now that I’m thinking about it, someone has gotten past me before. But they could never get past the next one.

The next one is probably the most difficult. Though I am confrontational and aggressive, I at least do not mind social contact. I just push away those who can be pushed. And those who persist are able to stay.

The next one is Cold, he is cold and indifferent. He does nothing nor cares for nothing, but like all of us, he too wants love. But since he is so cold, he doesn’t know how to express it, and wishes for the other to persist, and if they could somehow melt his cold heart, than that is when we can all truly say. “I love you.”

But he is too cold. No ones made it past him, at least, no ones tried. His reason for existence within us is an essential one. There are times when one can only be indifferent to survive. He has the most perseverance and can endure almost anything. He endures the pain and suffering and all the things that we cannot. He does it all with a calm and indifferent gaze.

But this gaze also wants to be loved. He wants to be loved the most out of us, someone who can thaw his frozen heart.

(Just so you all know and don’t be so confused. And I’m thinking this might be a question. “Why doesn’t the guy leave or go away when he sees all these different and sudden changes in you? You seem like a piece of work.”

Well to answer this question. Though I’ve mentioned earlier that Silly is the one who does most of the talking when we first meet a guy. He isn’t the only one. We freely switch in and out when the time and situation calls for it. And are very flexible, and do it so fast that it seems natural. So we give the guy we are interested in bits of us here and there even though most of the time it is Silly. We do it so we can take in his reaction to the difference of our temperaments. And slowly over time, we increase the frequency of our appearances, while Silly goes more into the back. And the most antisocial ones go to the front. And so it switches around. It’ll be MOST OF US, and less of Silly.)

And once they are able to get past all of us. Can they truly find what lies in the deepest recesses of our soul. The true Hoshi. He is forever traumatized and scarred, and no matter how much time is left, it will never be healed. All wounds heal, with time, but scars will remain forever, even as time moves forward.
The true Hoshi is kind, so kind and caring and sweet, he is the basis for what Silly and Girl are. They are nothing but false pretenders to the throne. But they are not false. I’m sorry. That was mean, but these were the only words that made sense. The true Hoshi is so kind, and giving. That... I cry just recalling him. It’s been so long. So long. He just lays there and cries. He just he just he just he just.
Let’s speak hypothetically now, in an attempt to provide evidence and examples of how kind the true us is. Say you are friends, that have met for only just a day. But the day spent together was enough to forever imprint you as someone important in Hoshi’s heart. He will die for you. That’s how he is.
That’s why we are needed. We are needed to keep him in check.
Though he is traumatized, he is still nevertheless there, and comes out when the time arises that he feel his wounds may actually be healed due to seeing the failed possibilities become a reality.
But, I i I

 

Wtf did I just read.

 

A simple confession is all. I just wanted to shout it out. It’s like when you go to a deserted area and just scream. But alas, I live in such a populated city, that finding such sparse areas is dangerous in the night. And are deadly. One should read the tags, and the title, and possibly, the post again? It makes one look like an imbecile who cannot understand the language in which has typed in.

 

Who is the author is this post? The rational Hoshi? The real Hoshi?

 

So are you a guy or girl? Also witch one wrote this post it probably wasn't cold. Was it silly, or maybe Hoshi wrote this. I could slightly understand why guys(?) have a hard time dealing with cold though. Silly, girl, and bitch would most likely respond or give them some feedback on their advances. They'd know if what they are doing is making you all like them or not. They know if you enjoy they're company. Rather than thinking you have a sudden indifferent personality it's far more likely that these guys(?) Believe you lost interest in them and their relationship. Hoping they'd understand that you have multiple personalities and that cold is just a step without telling them would be near-impossible and they most likely dont want to hurt you by persisting with a relationship that you seem to not be interested in.

Of course this theory assumes that I have any real idea of what I'm talking about(witch I dont).

I remember when i used to care about love too. Well if you can find him(?) Then good on you.

Edit: this is almost as long as your confession. Maybe I should be a therapist, or theorist

Edit+: nevermind it felt much shorter.

Edit++: also hoshi is a guy, or so it seems

 

I see someones really big brained at 3AM

 

I'm used to sleeping at 4am (night shift) so yeah.

 

For the most part it was I, Bitch. But intense emotions are difficult to handle for me, and I somewhat broke down a bit near the end.
Rational took over for the last part of the post, he handles emotions the best, because he is logical. Emotions Are not able to sway him.
But towards the end, we all became unstable, and this instability weakens Rational. Rational has grown weaker lately..

Your post was indeed quite short compared to mine, but it was rather kind, and I shall thank you. And your statements are very helpful, but, some of us want to tell the person we are interested, but most do not. Effort is something we would all love to see. Because we put in so much effort. Silly tries his hardest to make you laugh and smile and be joyful. Girl is sensitive to feelings and is very empathetic and nurturing. And Rational is intelligent and gives and says the best words.
Therefore, once it gets to me. I shall see to it if they are worth the effort we have put in so far, because the others were so kind, so caring, so invested. A dislike wasting energy on needless things. I will see to it if they are scum or not. Scum does not need to exist within my own life. I will dig deep down, and see what it is that they all have.
And it shall shift to Cold, to see if they have enough persistence.
And I also, I am a boy. I am of the male gender. But Bitch is a girl.

It’s a bit a confusing. But we all accept that we are a boy, even Girl and Me(Bitch) who are female in the Hoshiland.
It’s a bit complicated story to explain. Haha

 

Well, multiple personality order aside (I can't really comment on that aspect)...

I don't think the people who get scared off by that are "scum" - they're behaving in a pretty normal way, given what they know. It's already been said that they'll think you're cooling off, but it's not just that: people tend to reveal their true selves as they get more comfortable in a relationship. Everyone can be nice and pleasant when relationships are new and positive emotions are running high, but assholes and abusers show themselves only when they think you're in deep enough that you won't run. Smart people will still take off if their date/friend becomes nothing but spiteful and cold towards them.

I also think that you have the wrong idea about what love should be. You can't just intentionally throw all of your worst at someone as a test and expect them to stick around just to prove they can do it. People put up with the messy, crappy bits of loved ones because they love them and they know that they don't really mean to hurt them or be trouble, even when they're lashing out. There's still a limit to how much you can put up with for a loved one, though.
Love is also a two-way street. By throwing all your worst at the other person without even trying to consider their feelings or stop yourself because you want to treat them well, you're, well... Not treating them well? You're not valuing them or their needs at all, so why should they put in work for yours? Never cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't cross a puddle for you. It's really unhealthy and you won't get anything but tears out of it.
It's quite common for people to start taking their loved ones for granted and mistreating them, and it's not magically okay just because they used to treat them right. Love is a constant choice to put in the effort. Or, as my Sims game told me as a kid: Relationships are like flowers. If you don't water them, they die.

I think I was about to say something else, but it's dawn and my brain just switched off... Well, this isn't meant to be a criticism, just some frank advice. I was hoping there'd be a song or something to sum it up for me at the end of all this, but I can't think of anything right now...

 

Sorry, but I can't take your multiple personality disorder seriously without an official diagnose from a legal doctor.

So, how many are you? Yes, I did not completely read your confession. If you don't mind answering the question, how many personas do you have?

 

Is this for real? If it's real, then just know you are not alone on this. I believe many of us have indeed different personality deep within us but it's so mashup that we don't even notice it existed until something shocked it out from our lifes. I presume many of the common people are still in the path of discovering 'Who I am". You are able to know every part of you so it's a definite step up from the rest of us!!

Back to the love topic, while I think it's ok to test your partner sometimes, doing it too obsessively doesn't make it 'true love'. Even though we want our partner to love every part of us, in reality, there will always be a part of us that your partner just don't like and we will also have some part of our partner that we can't really tolerate. Still, these couples can stick together. In the end, it's a matter of whether or not you compromise or just let go of each other. Just because you are the first to compromise, doesn't mean you are 'losing' out on true love.

Hope this isn't offensive, just my opinion formed by observing long lasting couples around me.