Novel The Love Potion - Bash this until it breaks

...Nothing wrong?
Last time you got 10....

 

Really, search for last time

 

Uhn... Lys-chan...

>.<


Side note: I didn't read it yet because I didn't feel like reading it before catching up to my alerts, but I figured I'd notify you.

 

She had the chapter posted last night...but apparently that changed.

 

*gasps* She broke the rules on purpose! >.<

 

Hmmmmmm, I don't have much to comment on with this little being available so far... It was... Okay I guess?

Got some of my interest if I were to say anything.

 

That she did.

 

Yes.

Sufficiently insulting.

 

Part 2 of the first chapter has been edited...but still has many flaws.
Please bash it even more!

You can find the most updated version at https://lys.ebisutranslations.com/lys/chapter-1-love-potion#part2

Spoiler: c1 p2

“Asakura! Late again?” my teacher, a middle-aged woman, asked in a strict tone.

She was medium in stature, and her black-as-night hair flowed all the way to her hips. Her glasses-wearing face showed no signs of wrinkles.

With her hand resting on her podium, she was calmly staring at me.

I grumbled in a small voice, “Can’t you look at the time yourself?”

It was already way past 8:30, and she wasn’t even my homeroom teacher, who takes attendance and addresses various things before leaving at 8:40. How could I not be late.

“Hmm?” Takeda-sensei rapped her hand on the hardwood podium.

“Yes! I am very sorry for my tardiness! I will never be late again!”

Scary. That sound she makes as she hits the wood is scary.

Rapping her hand on the podium once again, she said sternly, “Good. Asakura, sit down. Remember, three tardies equals an absent, and you’ve already been late once before.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

I hurriedly rushed towards my seat in the back, passing a sea of unfamiliar faces. No, unfamiliar is the wrong word. It’s more like I recognize them, but I don’t know anything about them other than them also being in class 1-B.

The classroom wasn’t a huge one, so I reached my place in due time, less than a minute.

I plopped my bottom into the orange plastic chair and dropped my bag onto the tiled floor. Putting my arms upon the desk, I rested my head on them.

Now properly settled, I looked around.

Most of my classmates weren’t paying me any attention; they were looking at the front, where the teacher was at. A few were whispering to their friends.

Only one person, the person in front of me, was still looking at me.

The source of my current problems.

Her name was Yohsane Sakurako.

Slightly cute, I guess, and she did seem to be popular with the other boys.

She had the classic long, straight, and black hair of a Yamato Nadeshiko.

With her glistening black eyes, she was staring at me.

At that point, I knew my problems were about to get worse.

Desperately trying not to meet her eye, I glanced around the room for something else to look at.

Yes, the teacher. I was supposed to look at her anyways.

I continued to glare at the teacher, not daring to meet Yohsane-san’s eyes.

Takeda-sensei, like normal, was teaching something boring.

At least, to me.

Though, I doubt calculus is fun to most people. And, by looking at the bored eyes of my classmates not in front of me, it seemed my presumption was correct.

Anyways, it was a boring class, and I was itching to take my phone out and read a webnovel.

In fact, I would be doing that right now—but the teacher was Takeda-sensei.

If this wasn’t real life, she’d be called the “demon math teacher of hell.”

She gives too much work, and if the volume level goes anything above whispering, she gets mad and starts yelling. I heard she had even petitioned to reinstate corporal punishment.

I feel like she became a teacher only to terrorize us poor children.

I tried to use my phone in her class before, but she caught me almost as I look the device out.

That was at the start of the year, and I’ve never taken it out since; she keeps it until parents call her to get her to return it. It ended up being quite hard to take it back.

She really was quick to catch me. Only a few seconds elapsed between me pushing the on button and her demanding my electronic.

Maybe she’s also bored of her own lesson?

How else could she spot me so fast? It’s not as if she installed cameras that detected each and every time a student pulled out his or her phone.

Now that’s food for thought.

A teacher bored of her own lesson. Actually, that might be more common than I’d think. After all, it’s a rare person to like everything related to one’s job. Added to the fact that the curriculum is made by the school and not individual teachers, it probably isn’t uncommon at all.

Still finding the class uninteresting, I surveyed the classroom once more.

Yep, everyone else was the same. Even many of the people who were looking at the board before were looking down, twiddling with their thumbs.

Only a select few were paying attention to the teacher.

Teacher’s pets? Class geniuses? Who was I to know, but I’d assume they were so.

As the person directly in front of was most likely bored too, I took a peek at her…

She’s still staring at me.

…I have a bad feeling about this.

Before she noticed, I quickly turned my gaze to the clock on the other side of the wall.

The hour hand was half-way after the nine on the clock, and the minute hand was right before the six. It was 9:29.

About time for next period?

I was right.

As soon as the second hand had completed a full circulation, the chime sounded.

Ding dong ding dong. Ding dong ding dong.

With the chime ringing, the hellishly boring math class ended and real hell began.

Well, that was an exaggeration. To be more accurate, the whisperings of hell began.

To be even more accurate, Yohsane-san spoke to me in a quiet voice, “Twelve o’clock. Usual place.” before smiling to me and turning around to talk to her friends.

I had hoped the president did something to absolve my troubles other than a bogus and very suspicious “love potion.” Yet, it would seem that my hopes were for nothing. My problem was still as large as ever.

For the rest of the break, I did not stray from my desk.

Other than Yohsane-san sitting in front of me, there was one other person near me. His name was Villager A.

No, I did not know Villager A’s true name. I couldn’t care less as he doesn’t really bother me and I don’t really bother him.

Villager A was actually quite popular. Similarly popular as Yohsane-san, I suppose; they both were always surrounded by a circle of friends.

As always, they were surrounded by their circles of friends. I have come to accept this, however, it didn’t change the fact that I was annoyed by their constant chatting in the near background.

Could you talk somewhere else? Like, maybe not near this loner who wants some quietness around here?

Luckily, the break ended quickly and normal class time was resumed.

Japanese was next.

Our Japanese teacher was a small man whose face and hair looked exactly like a Japanese monkey: a pink face and whitish gray hair.

I had a feeling he liked hot springs too.

Well, he taught the language fairly well, so I guess it could be forgiven.

Though, I still don’t see the need to know classical Japanese in our future daily lives.

Thinking that, I pulled out my phone and typed in a URL.

It was the URL of “Let’s Become a Writer!” a popular novel uploading site.

Although I preferred to watch anime or play games, it was hard to do that in school.

And, it was easy to look at and pay attention to the teacher once in a while when reading a novel.

I didn’t want to entirely waste my parent’s money after all.

Logging in, I checked the new updates for novels to read.

Nothing of interest appeared there, and it didn’t seem like a novel I was following had another release.

Bored, I tapped on a random title.

“Invijible Panda”

The synopsis looked like it was done by a two-year-old.

I tapped on the link to the first chapter out of curiosity.

And, after one second of reading, I knew.

This was actually done by a two-year-old.

It was hardly readable, and there was no plot.

Well, it was quite amazing a two-year-old could even write.

I must give the author that.

Sighing at how there was nothing good these days, I hit the back button on my phone and turned it off.

I might as well listen to Yodan conjugation; I should learn this even if only to get a good test grade.

I’m the type who doesn’t need notes and doesn’t study. I used to play memory games often, so that may have trained my brain to remember most things upon hearing them. Of course, it also could’ve been good natural gifts, but I had no way to know.

Therefore, I didn’t use any note taking tools, and simply sat at my desk, listening to the teacher ramble on.

Time passes excruciatingly slowly when bored.

That was an evident fact.

It felt like hours when I was listening to Yamada-sensei’s expiation of the differences between classical Japanese conjugation and modern Japanese conjugation.

I mean, I guess it was important, but enough to warrant a whole lesson? I don’t think so.

All through the period, I repeatedly checked my phone for anything good.

And, I always saw nothing interesting.

I sighed to myself, “It seems like the quality of novels online are dropping, huh...”

The rest of the period progressed in such a boring manner.

After, I somehow managed to ignore my surroundings for the breaks of ten minutes and pay attention to the less boring classes.

It was like this until twelve o’clock. Lunch break.

 

Skillful advertising, good job~

Hmmmmm... I don't have complaints I guess? I'm actually kinda hooked, I liked the story so far.

 

Mm, stamping on the hopes and dreams of those younger than me is the only way I can feel happiness.

"black-as-night" - Using this as an adjective gives a rather amateurish vibe. I'm sure there are plenty of synonyms that don't require hyphenation; those would probably work unless you have a very particular tone you're aiming for (which it doesn't seem like you especially do)

"glasses-wearing" - Sounds kind of moronic, maybe use "bespectacled".

"It was already way past 8:30, and she wasn’t even my homeroom teacher, who takes attendance and addresses various things before leaving at 8:40." - A slightly confusing sentence. Maybe try reworking it?

"How could I not be late." - Even sarcastic, this would still be better served with a question mark.

"I don’t know anything about them other than them also being in class 1-B." - Awkward phrasing, specifically the "other than them" bit.

"The classroom wasn’t a huge one, so I reached my place in due time, less than a minute." - Even in classroom seating over a hundred people, I've never taken over a minute to get to seat. Also, "in due time" tends to be used to convey that something will happen at an appropriate time instead of being rushed, so it doesn't seem to fit the circumstances. You may want to rework the second half of the sentence.

"where the teacher was at" - Being nitpicky, the "at" is superfluous.

"Only one person, the person in front of me, was still looking at me." The word "me" being used twice so close together is awkward. Maybe consider something like "still looking my way"?

"I was supposed to look at her anyways." - "Anyways" is technically not a word. I mean, it's fine, today's colloquialism is tomorrow's standard, but just so you know, usage of "anyways" is considered informal/dialectic.

"I continued to glare at the teacher," - Glaring at them? Seems rather hostile, especially when you consider her established authoritarian character.

"Though, I doubt calculus is fun to most people. And, by looking at the bored eyes of my classmates not in front of me, it seemed my presumption was correct." - Perhaps use "fun for". The "And" is awkward unless you join the sentences. "Classmates not in front of me" is an awkward phrase. "Presumption" can be used, but "assumption" is probably better.

"If this wasn’t real life, she’d be called the “demon math teacher of hell.”" - As opposed to...?

"She gives too much work, and if the volume level goes anything above whispering, she gets mad and starts yelling." - Not an issue with the writing per se, but tolerating whispering already seems pretty lenient. May want to change "whispering" to "a whisper", in any case.

"but she caught me almost as I look the device out." - "as soon as I took".

"Who was I to know, but I’d assume they were so." - Their classmate, actually. That aside, the sentence feels awkward to me. Maybe try something along the lines of "I wouldn't know, but I assumed that's what they were".

"As the person directly in front of was most likely bored too, I took a peek at her…" - Are you purposefully avoiding writing her name?

"The hour hand was half-way after the nine on the clock," - Remove "on the clock".

And that's all I have time for at the moment.

 

If you spent all that time translating GOTR, it'd be better, but who am I to say anything?

Thanks~

 

Good job! The only I had caught was the:

But I completely forgot about saying it! >.<

Ah, I think "it'd would" doesn't exist btw! >.<

 

Try using something other than 'how do I know' multiple times ... it reminds me of a story I have for literature subject

 

???

 

For some reason I couldn't find more of this type of sentences now..... But just avoid such sentences

 

I was wondering why Invijible Panda sounded familiar, then I saw your signature. Silly me, but now about the story. It was really well written. You found that detail balance. You give just enough to describe the point, but without being vagure or drowning us. There are two things that stood out to me.
First is the student council president. How does she have purple hair?? Japanese schools are very strict with dress codes, so unless it’s natural, we’re going to need an explanation. I also get the feeling this might be a plot point, so I won’t say much more about it.
Second is the inconsistency with the calc teacher. She hates when her students are one the phone, or so we’ve been made to understand. This implies that she wants her students to pay attention to her lecture and gets upset when they don’t. She does, however, seem to allow a certain level of freedom as long as whispering is keep on the low side. This makes Yousane’s actions really strange. Yousane isn’t whispering much, but she’s flat out ingoring the teacher by only staring at Akira. Shouldn’t the teacher say something??
One final thing that just occured to me, I just realized that I can’t if Akira is a boy or a girl. Sure, Akira was refered to with “Kun” by the student council president, but she seems eccentric enough that she would refer to boys with the “kun” suffix.
Hope this helps,

-Gandire Alea

 

I'd love to say that it was all keikakudoori, but

Oh well, it gives me a reasonable excuse for a certain plot point. (free foreshadowing?)

Also, the MC is a male. -kun is more of a male suffix, and Akira is more of a male name.

 

Looks like the translated version of Japanese style of writing. Concise, isn't scared of repetitions. Diary-like. It's good that you're full of ideas and can write such a long chapter. Good for the readers in any case cause it gives them more content to enjoy. I don't know how long it took you or how much effort you had to spend. If comes easy though, that would be great in order to finish a project, haha. Only blessed writers...

 

It takes me several hours too fully write a chapter, and it takes me another several hours to make that chapter into something readable...
I wish I was talented...

Also, I translate Japanese, so it probably bleeds off~