The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System fan fiction

CHINESE NEW YEAR FIRE WORKS

Spoiler

ATDSVT-The G Side
***
Some people are just born to make all the bad decisions in life. And in this world there is apparently no designated sober bro to keep the other three stooges from fucking up.

As I listen to Wuxie spill his guts under the influence of the drugs, I mentally categorize him as the Peter Pettigrew of the group, except there isn't a Remus Lupin to say, 'Wait a minute, this is a bad idea.'

Actually, both Moxie and Zixie are starting to remind me of the seriously unhinged Sirius Black, except they got this way without an Azkaban ever being involved. Although if you count in character growth it is likely Zixie could be counted as James Potter...But, no, James Potter loved his son too, just as much as he loved his wife, huh. And Zixie clearly loves Sun Luo Yuan much more than his own son.

Back to the point. These three had a horrible master who bought them all from slave markets and then trained them up to help him prey on righteous cultivators.

When he finally died, from all three of them sabotaging him so he could be killed off by some righteous cultivator, the three stooges went on a bender.

Under the influence of drink, a dare from a fellow demonic cultivator sounded like just the thing, so Wuxie went out there, drugged a girl, fucked her, took her cultivation and her virginity.

Of course what seems wonderful in the rosy bottom of a bottle of wine is far from it in the light of day.

The girl turned out to be engaged to a Sect Master of a righteous sect. Not the Heroic Condors by the way. A different, older and stronger sect called the Floating Golden Dragon Sect.

Wuxie basically flat out panicked and decided to go into hiding. This only delayed the clusterfuck. The Sect Master took his waifu home to repair her cultivation.

Given that the sect Master got his sect to level the Suli clan lands, I must assume that she described the incident so horribly to him that her fiance assumed Wuxie had plotted this for ages, instead of it being, well, on one of those drugged, drunk, high-as-a-kite nights.

So. Drunk idiot meets sexy girl. Things do not go well.

Fiance objects to his waifu's defilement and her loss of cultivation. Takes her home, tends to her. Ten years later when Wuxie is entrenched in the Suli family, the sect master goes looking for him to get revenge.

It takes him even more years to find the culprit, and wreck his everything. Except as a result of this fiasco he has incidentally wrecked this Zixie's everything.

Moxie goes out in order to take vengeance on the Sect Master and his sect because according to Zixie, he got attached to some of the Suli clan members- one of whom now is also among the people I need to heal up. Zixie stays home to look after his waifu. Moxie sets things on fire on a one man guerrilla stealth rampage of revenge.

Fast forward to this day, Moxie is still gone and the father and son are now currently squabbling over who gets to kill the terrified Wuxie.

I would pity him, but I'm all out of fucks to give. Fiascos like this are exactly why Obi Wan Kenobi told that death stick seller that he should go home and rethink his life.

I bet if someone had told Wuxie to go home and rethink his life earlier, a lot of casualties could have been avoided.

That is when Sun Jin's mother ends the discussion by standing up, grabbing the nearest knife and wobbles over to stab the unfortunate Wuxie in the crotch.

So. Much. Screaming.

I cover my face in my hands. Oy Vey.

Then, while I am healing the remaining Suli clan members (and Wuxie is still screaming at a much higher pitch than before) the first layer of the formation goes down.

Well, fuck. It appears we have more new guests.

 

The Naïve System's Villain Reformation Plan
Arc 3: Grumpy Cat Arc
Chapter 17

Spoiler: the next generation doesn't start until we say so

A faint vibration informs Lin Linxiong of a visitor to the main building of the Qing Jing Peak. He looks up to confirm that the entrant has the proper authorization. A scholarly and vaguely unsociable-looking child enters his gaze.

Well, if Lin Linxiong cannot even recognize the one genuine patron of the Qing Jing “library,” then he really has no business being a librarian. Or Peak Lord. They’re about the same when it comes to the Qing Jing Peak, anyway.

The child walks up to him and bows, somehow, over the stack of books he’s balancing against his chest. “This one greets venerable Elder.”

Linxiong waves his hand, “Stand on ceremony.”

The child straightens his back, and without another word goes to return his borrowed materials to their appropriate place. As he does so, he periodically pulls out articles so that their spines jut out a bit from the rest of the parchments. Later, the child will probably go back and collect these marked interests and take out yet another set of books. Not once does he glance towards the stairwell to the upper floors, where the genuine cultivation manuals are stored.

Linxiong watches all this silently.

The “library” is practically empty right now, but this is only a lull in activities. In another few hours, the younger generation will file in, with gossip mongers and show-offs in their ranks.

Truthfully, Linxiong’s stationary lifestyle can only be sustained by little loose-lipped disciples. It’s how he keeps up with the world. If the children suddenly decided the Qing Jing main house was no longer ideal for sharing juicy secrets and rumours, Linxiong wouldn’t know what he’d do. There’s a reason he lets the Ju Juliang store beginner academic scrolls in his building, even though he finds inevitable crowds of lollygaggers annoying and pestersome.

After all, they bring such interesting news. Linxiong probably shouldn’t be using his advanced cultivation to eavesdrop on unwitting gossipers, but these young disciples shouldn’t have assumed their secrets were safe if they whispered quietly enough. Linxiong’s teaching them a valuable life lesson.

Speaking of rumours: the library’s sole patron, Shen Qingqiu, has quite a few dogging his heels. In the beginning, there were discussions over this child’s ability, given that one of the Sect Master’s disciple personally brought him in. After young Shen’s meteoric rise to the inner disciple court, those rumours grew. Now, Shen Qingqiu could be anything from a hidden noble to a demonic cultivator to a former prostitute (this idea was rooted in young Yue’s unprecedented favoritism). There are also less outlandish rumors---or perhaps not rumors at all---about young Shen’s current circumstances in the inner court.

Linxiong doesn’t put any more stock into rumors than he has to. He prefers relying on his own senses. And what he notices is this:

Shen Qingqiu has a very steady cultivation progression. Unlike his peers, who alternate between surging and struggling, young Shen has spent nearly the exact same amount of time in each minor cultivation realm before advancing to the next. It’s exceedingly unnatural; Linxiong doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything like this.

Shen Qingqiu, probably by his own design, also has an intensive understanding of his own cultivation. In teaching the inner disciples cultivation techniques, the instructors generally gloss over certain aspects that would get augmented later on in cultivation. No one expects the new disciples to completely comprehend their cultivation, but Linxiong has an inkling that maybe that’s the case for young Shen. There’s this sense of mastery in the content the child writes his assignments (Linxiong notices these things when he’s being forced to assess the younger generation’s reports), as if he really, truly grasps the fundamentals. There’s a question of ‘how,’ definitely, but given the number of books young Shen consumes by the week, that question answers itself.

Watching Shen Qingqiu slip between the shelves, Linxiong suddenly thinks that it’s about time he fills the seat for his succeeding disciple.

o-o-o-o-o-o

About a month after young Shen becomes an inner Peak disciple, he’s starting to...slip, is how Linxiong may describe it. It’s subtle, the way the child’s frown seems more firmly etched, or the way there’s a slight strain at the corner of his eyes.

Linxiong remembers, distantly, some rumors about harassment.

One day, young Shen comes in visibly frayed around the edges, a look of deep irritation gracing his face. He greets Linxiong as befitting of a younger generation, but instead of following his old routine he instead wanders the “library.” After pacing about the main hall from anywhere to an incense stick of time to an hour, he’s notably calmer.

Human contact really does not do it for this child, Linxiong notes. He feels a little sense of kindred at that thought.

Maybe that’s what gets him to act.

o-o-o-o-o-o

“I hear that young Liu Hao is getting the other children to isolate you. Do you want to make a report?” Lin Linxiong asks one day, right after young Shen finishes greeting him.

The look he receives is quite something. There are so many questions in that sharp sideways glance, and not a single one is flattering. ‘So what?’, ‘Why do you care?’, ‘Are you spying on other people’s business?’, to name a few. It’s an excessive amount of hostility and suspicion to greet a simple question.

“I hear things,” Linxiong continues. “The only people who come here are those who love to read and those who want somewhere secretive to gossip. One’s more welcome than the other, though. Anyway, I can file a report for you. I have a direct line to Duo Duohen.”

Shen Qingqiu looks back down to his book. “I thank elder’s consideration. I’m handling it.”

Linxiong shrugs, unwilling to put in much more effort, “If you say so.”

o-o-o-o-o-o

In the meantime, their first interaction breaks open a mental dam of some sort. Linxiong finds himself striking up conversation more often than not, even if they’re just one or two exchanges before he finds himself disinterested in pursuing the topic. Not to mention, young Shen tends to look like he’ll do anything to end the conversation.

So when the boy asks Linxiong a question out of his own initiative, Linxiong feels compelled to answer.

“How did Qing Jing become the second highest peak?” Linxiong sounds out this question in his mouth, before something like a smirk appears on his face. “I won a bet.”

o-o-o-o-o-o

It was a fine autumn evening, and the weather was hot and humid as expected. The Sect Master and Medicinal Peak Head of Cang Qiong were holding their annual drinking fest, and the sound (and stragglers, the Bai Zhan Peak Lord could never hold his drink) had regrettably travelled one Peak over to Qing Jing, where Linxiong was studiously trying to become a hermit.

Incensed by the rowdiness that was somehow entering into his halls, Lin Linxiong left the Bai Zhan Peak Lord drunk in a puddle of his own drool and stalked out. The Xian Shu Peak Lord would come looking for him soon enough. Linxiong entered into the Sect Master’s abode (barged in, really), and proceeded to threaten to drink up every ounce of wine there.

Ju Juliang looked intrigued. “You can drink?? No wayyyyy.”

“No waaaay,” echoed the Medicinal Peak Lord, Li Lifen. She looked around the room dazedly. “Juliang’s got a lot of liquor stored up around here. I think there’s still fifteen bottles in this room alone.”

Duo Duohen bristled at this. “There’s what?!” Fifteen bottles, it seemed, clearly exceeded whatever limit he’d set for the Sect Master’s little party.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry,” Juliang patted Duohen on the back. “These’ll last at least a month, so I won’t be bothering you for a while~!” Duohen looked mildly conflicted.

“No, they won’t.” Linxiong interjected. “Because I’ll be finishing them all today.”

Juliang smiled this parody of a grin that makes him seem about a thousand times more devious and unreliable than usual. “Want to bet? If you win, I’ll grant any request. If I win, next year’s party will be held in the Qing Jing main hall.”

“Oh dear, you shouldn’t,” Lifen fretted to the potted plant. “Linxiong, your constitution probably can’t handle liquor that well, you stay indoors so much. Think about your liver!”

Juliang patted her on the head fondly, turning her around so that she’s actually facing the target of her spiel. Juliang snickered, “You drop out and it’s my automatic win. Better start ordering some actual chairs.” (Linxiong always does his best to be as inhospitable as possible, which includes not offering the little disciples a place to sit.)

“You’re going to regret this when I drink you out of house and home,” Linxiong swore.

It was a beautiful, watching Juliang’s smug face shift, first into astonishment, then into devastation and despair.

(“Don’t you dare take up drinking,” Duo Duohen had hissed, drunk off his ass after Juliang dejectedly brought out the backup alcohol. He clutched Linxiong’s lapels with increasing desperation. “Cang Qiong can’t handle that expense and I swear I’ll kill you. I’ll take your stupidly smart brain and donate it to charity.”

“That would cause more problems than you can solve. Imagine the paperwork,” Linxiong had pointed out right back. “And really, I’m not here to make your life any harder. That’s Juliang’s life mission.”

The Logistics Peak head had let out a sigh that might have doubled as a sob. “Stick to that.” He also might have said ‘please.’)

o-o-o-o-o-o

“....you could have asked for anything?”

“Mm. Or so Juliang claims.”

Young Shen furrows his brows. “Why did you ask to make Qing Jing the second strongest Peak, when you could have asked for an blank check for more books?”

….Lin Linxiong asks himself the exact same question at least once a month. “I was young and drunk,” Linxiong laments. “Mistakes were made.”

o-o-o-o-o-o

“So, you were handling it,” Lin Linxiong says with emphasis. The strange thing is, even he can’t tell if he’s being mocking or not. It’s already been two months since Linxiong first offered to help. “Rumor has it that you tossed young Liu Hao off a cliff. Keep in mind that my Peak is almost as far as you can get from the Disciple’s Pavillion.” (Another example of Juliang being a shit. Everyone knows he didn’t put the disciple’s reading materials so far away only so that they’d “get some exercise.”)

Young Shen, interestingly enough, looks mildly abashed. “...it was a shallow cliff.”

“Young Liu would argue otherwise.” Linxiong doesn’t know why, but he offers, “I’ll deal with the misdemeanor report and help you avoid punishment.” He’s not a good Samaritan though, so he adds, “In return, you should become my succeeding disciple.”

Linxiong is already wondering how he can get Duohen to drop this little matter. Perhaps he could threaten to take up drinking? No, that may be going too far; it’s a very tentative peace that keeps Linxiong on Duohen’s good side. And vice versa, of course.

“No need, but thank you for elder’s consideration.”

Linxiong frowns. “You really should do some considering yourself. That’s the Sect Master’s disciple you just sent to the Medicinal Peak.” Not that Linxiong thinks Juliang particularly cares about what happened to Liu Hao. Not enough to demand young Shen’s punishment regarding such a small matter.

Ju Juliang’s preferred successor (if his drunk ramblings are to be believed) is someone genuine, ingenious, and sly. How that sort of combination could come to be, Linxiong isn’t sure. But it stands to reason that Liu Hao is too clumsy and heavy-handed to ever truly have the Juliang’s favor. In fact, Linxiong is rather certain that Juliang only took him Liu Hao as a successor for the financial compensation (the Liu family is wealthy, to start) and the fact that the kid was just as likely to mess up as a bull in a china shop. Linxiong may be antisocial, but Juliang can give him a run for his money when it comes to being a horrible person.

“No need,” the boy repeats, a little stiffly; his irritation is a quiet one, Linxiong notes, probably because he’s used to repressing it. With his own little quasi-mocking emphasis, Shen Qingqiu continues with an almost-smile, “I’ll handle it.”

Linxiong blinks. That sounds almost like a threat.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Lin Linxiong, a book in hand, pulls up the chair across the table from the boy and plops himself down. The young disciple doesn’t look up, and instead continues annotating the passage he’s reading. Linxiong, ever the bookworm empathizer, opens up his own reading and engrosses himself with it.

A little while, they both happen to take a mental break from ready. Linxiong takes this opportunity. “So how did you do it?” Perhaps he’s jumping too far ahead. Linxiong clarifies, “How did you get the Logistic’s Peak Lord to drop the investigation and absolve your charges?”

Shen Qingqiu doesn’t look up. “I convinced Elder Duo I was little...mentally impaired at the time.”

Linxiong, suddenly recognizing a familiar sour twinge in the air, blinks. “You told him you were drunk?” Linxiong asks, his voice not rising in pitch but still faintly incredulous. Yet, no matter how he thinks about it, there’s no way Duohen would have taken that well.

“No,” Shen Qingqiu says, eyes scanning over his notes. “I told him I’ve been unable to get a good night’s rest lately, and that my mental fortitude was lacking. I asked him for his understanding.”

Linxiong furrowed his brows. It also happens to be common knowledge that young Shen and young Yue are sharing a bed indefinitely. Something to do with Juliang, naturally. “Then what did he do?”

“He asked me to show him my sleeping situation, and so I brought him to Qingyuan’s lodgings. Upon further investigation, Elder Duo found some whiskey bottles underneath the floorboards.”

At first, Linxiong is confused, but then he stumbles upon a thought. Almost in awe, he turns to the multi-fold calendar placed on the wall of the Qing Jing Peak main house. A single glance confirms that it is in fact near the end of the eighth month, right around the time the other Peaks get together to drink out their frustrations. Which would explain why Juliang would start stocking alcohol again, to the point of even commandeering his own disciples’ lodgings.

“....I’m impressed.”

“I couldn’t have done it without venerable Elder,” young Shen says glibly. His poker face is not bad, not bad at all.

o-o-o-o-o-o

After another period of silence, Linxiong asks, “Are you not afraid the Sect Master will come after you? You threw him under the bus.”

“I don’t think this is something he cares about.”

Which is true, as far as Linxiong can tell. Actually, Juliang would probably appreciate maneuvering like this. If Shen Qingqiu were less overt with his blatant indifference and dislike towards everyone and everything except Yue Qingyuan, Juliang might actually be tempted to take him as his own inner Peak disciple. Too bad Linxiong is the one with the library.

“Can you be sure about that?”

“...” The child puts down his pen in a deliberate manner.

“You should become my disciple.”

“...why?”

“Juliang owes me a thing or two, and I have a lot of sway with him. I can make things less troublesome for you.”

“...” The eyes looking at him have dulled to a quiet blankness. Linxiong, as antisocial as he is, immediately recognizes that he stumbled upon a minefield. Interesting. Linxiong thinks back to what he has said, and realizes the implication of his words.

“I’m not going to stir things up with Juliang,” Linxiong says, straightforwardly. “Actually, trying that strategy was a mistake. Let me be honest with you. The only things that really matter to me are books and interesting people. When it comes to the second, there’s really only two paths to follow. If I get my hands on you, I largely stop poking my nose in your business. If I don’t, then I’ll just be taking that as an encouragement to try even more.

“As for looking for disciples, I’m a pretty terrible person, so I don’t particularly care about the character quality of my Peak. Well, the less troublesome, the better, of course. Actually, as a Peak Lord I only have one trait I’m looking for in a successor: I want someone who will maintain and grow this library. Do you think you can do that?”

The deliberately blank and vaguely threatening eyes have disappeared, and now Shen Qingqiu regards Linxiong with something like the distant cousin of contempt. Actually, it could also just be indifference.

“It doesn’t matter if I can or can’t. I won’t be anyone’s successor disciple. Thank you for your time, venerable Elder.” Young Shen starts packing up his belongings.

“If I’m your master, I’d need to instruct you personally, which can take a long time! You wouldn’t be able to attend the inner court lessons during this time!” Linxiong calls towards the boy’s retreating back.

o-o-o-o-o-o

“Greeting venerable Elder.”

A month later, Lin Linxiong looks up when the formation buzzes. Shen Qingqiu stares right back at him, looking almost wild. Wordlessly, Linxiong tosses him a jade token that he’d dripped blood on in preparation for this day. After a moment of observing the token, young Shen bites his fingertip and drips it onto the jade.

“I got one of Liu Hao’s lackeys expelled from the Sect.” Little Shen says in response to Linxiong’s wordless question. “He’s fucking insufferable. I might kill him one day.” Linxiong dutifully turns a deaf ear to the last part.

When he feels the Master-Disciple bond solidify, Linxiong reaches his hand out. His disciple comes up to him and kneels. “Disciple sees Master,” says little Shen.

Linxiong smiles, “Very good.”


(In the first week of inner court lessons)
Liu Hao: Do you think you’re hot stuff? If it weren’t for Little Yue, you probably wouldn’t have even qualified for the bar exam.
【Hmph! (๑òᆺó๑) Don’t take his words to heart, Mr. Shen! He’s stuuupid!】
Shen: …I didn’t care in the first place.

(In the second month of inner court lessons)
Liu Hao: Who in the world needs three weeks to master the second Qi realm? Are you sure you belong in the inner court? You could go back to the outer court and it wouldn’t even matter, there isn’t even a Peak that wants you.
【ლಠ益ಠლ)】

(Before the cliff incident)
Liu Hao: And why are you following Yue Qingyuan around? Are you his dog? Do you actually expect that he can get anywhere? Are you hoping Little Yue can become the Sect Master? Out of all of us he has the smallest chances, so he shouldn’t even bother.
Shen: ... I’ve grown sick and tired of your condescending bull. Scram.
【Oh! Punch this jerk in the face! (ﾒ｀ﾛ´)/】

Writer's Note: OTL I've made a mistake. I chose to make this arc all outsider POV so the plot progresses faster but then there are people like Linxiong who's so internalized ahhhhh. By the way, Linxiong does have other direct disciples, who come in and greet him on a daily basis. He just doesn't see them as anyone particularly interesting.

Let me know if there are any (other ;n; ) mistakes!

Something else:

Spoiler: Peak Lords (past) character profiles

If Cang Qiong were a company.....
Ju Juliang (Sect Master) -- useless and flighty CEO, he does no work
Li Lifen (Medicinal Peak) -- Juliang’s ditzy PA and BFF, at least she's got good work ethic
Duo Duohen (Logistics Peak) -- Beleaguered Secretary, he just suffers
Lin Linxiong (Qing Jing Peak) -- Records Officer, he hides out all day in the data collection room
Ru Rushi (Xian Shu Peak) -- CFO and Face of the company, she takes no shit
Wen Wenqing (Bai Zhan Peak) -- Intern and WhippedTM, at least he tries
Yan Yanhua (Swordsmith Peak) -- Manager, she's probably selling company secrets or something
etc

 

Have been rereading the Past to Present arc while listening to G's soundtrack. To quote Hydrochoerus sama who expressed this so well a few posts back;

 

GIRI (Obligation) VALENTINES CHOCOLATES
@readerz, come take a look at this!

Spoiler

ATDSVT-1001 Nights
***
The first time Luo Binghe put on a mask to try to woo court approach Shizun as a secretive masked hero, he had dithered and wavered over what kind of mask to wear.

Surely it had to show off some of his best traits if he was to impress Shizun, traits like his elegant features, the curve of his jawline, the high, straight bridge of his nose, his thin and rosy lips...

It also had to be a mask worthy of him. Something that caught attention, and held it.

Having found the perfect half-mask, that both concealed him but also showed off his best features, he now dithered over his choice of clothing.

He wanted to give off a cool, calm and pure aura, like jade, while still showing off his elegant hands and strong build. He wanted an outfit that practically advertised that its owner was a heroic righteous cultivator. That meant that he would wear white because white was the color worn by righteous cultivators from tales. White was what maidens wore to look like fairies from heaven.

Naturally that left things like the cut of the cloth, and the hints of a contrasting color. Red would make his lips look redder and would make him look more enticing, so red it was.

An elegant set of phoenix blood jade accessories, and he now felt that no one could possibly resist him.

Yes. This outfit was perfect. Now all he had to do was to get Shizun's attention, and show him that he could be trusted and that he was the perfect choice for Shizun as his husband.

The best way to achieve those goals, that he knew of, was by rescuing him from some monster or enemy who was trying to kill him.

This was after all, the method that had gotten him so many of his current wives, particularly the Qin sisters.

In addition to those clothes he had also picked out the most seductive scent he could think of, something that would lure Shizun into his embrace.

All set, he therefore went confidently into the dream to meet his Shizun again.

Ah, there he was.

The sight of Shizun caused Luo Binghe's heart to skip a beat and sent pleasant heat down his body.

After this, Shizun would want to get to know him again. From there, he would earn his love, and then...

His imagination went off into realms of rosy fantasy. Shizun would love him better than Yue Qingyuan because he could offer him far more than Yue Qingyuan.

Yue Qingyuan was only one of the big four sect masters. He, Luo Binghe, had a world at his feet and both the demons and humans had to pay him homage.

If Shizun didn't want to live in his court, he could give Shizun a separate residence. He would make it the finest and most beautiful ever constructed and Shizun would be so pleased and impressed that he would forget all about Cang Qiong and Yue Qingyuan and they would make love all day.

Alas, reality didn't conform to the realms of Luo Binghe's fantasies.

Shizun didn't seem to be happy to see him at all, even moving back a few paces, tense and ready to run. That wasn't what he had expected.

He bit down on the word, "Shizun?" that wanted to slip from his lips. He had to play it cool and calm and not rush him, agitate him, frighten him or drive him off.

He moved a pace closer, Shizun moved a pair of paces further away.

Luo Binghe frowned. Did Shizun not trust righteous cultivators? Shizun was looking at him with suspicion akin to a man facing a scorpion or a viper.

Perhaps he should have tried Cang Qiong Mountain Sect robes? But no, those weren't good... he didn't want to remind Shizun of the Sect Master

Shizun frowned in response, moving back another two paces. "Did you think that mask actually hides anything from me? Do you think I'm a blind idiot? I can still see your face." he bit out,obviously angry.

Luo Binghe's stomach sank. His carefully chosen approach wasn't working.

Well, since Shizun could recognize him anyway, the cover was gone, the water was spilled.

"Shizun," he pleaded in the most placating tone, voice soft, filled with yearning, eyes damp with unshed tears, everything about his demeanor changing. If before he had been clear as ice and clean as jade, now he gave off an aura of heartbreak and loneliness, like a blossom on a pear tree after a spring rain. "Please give me a chance to make things right between us. Please don't go."

It didn't work but at least Shizun didn't run away, or scream

But it didn't achieve the objective, either. Luo Binghe had wanted to move in close, take Shizun's chin in his fingers, to tilt his face up so he could kiss him. He had wanted to wrap himself around Shizun like a clinging vine.

Instead Shizun didn't scream or run or attack Luo Binghe, but he avoided him nonetheless.

And he didn't seem impressed by the ease with which Binghe disposed of the enemies that attacked them either, simply killing his own monsters and staying out of Luo Binghe's way.

Luo Binghe knew that Shizun had killed monsters before. Shizun had killed such beasts while hampered by carrying his tiny form in one arm. And he knew that Shizun was familiar with these monsters but couldn't the man be even a little bit impressed?

At this rate, in this silence, how was he to win the man's affections if he wasn't even a little bit pleased or impressed?

Even if Shizun had fought those monsters before, Luo Binghe remembered these were monsters that had killed Shizun before in previous dreams and besides, these were bigger.. but he wasn't even a little bit interested.

"Shizun..."

Every time he tried to break the silence, Shizun gave him a look that said he didn't want to talk. When he persisted past the first word of his plea, Shizun told him less talking and more focus on the monsters. The second time he tried to break the silence Shizun said,"Don't talk to me." in clipped tones that indicated he was on the edge of some deep and complex emotion, one component of which was clearly fury with a heaping large amount of bitterness. The third time, Shizun stated he didn't want to hear any of it.

Luo Binghe was undeterred but he was feeling rather upset by Shizun's steadfast refusal to put him into his eyes.

Clearly he needed to kill bigger monsters. Maybe he should just try appearing only when Shizun was actually losing and in danger of death?

Or maybe he should try a different mask and clothing.

Or perhaps both?

***

Of course, the second time he arrived with a mask that covered his face more completely than the first, despite the fact that his mask was very fine, and his clothing was now red to emphasize the jade-like paleness and purity of his skin, Shizun just looked at him with an odd sense of resignation. He covered his face with a hand and sighed, and then looked up at the heavens as if to beseech it for some kind of blessing or a sign... and then, shoulders slumped, he turned to Luo Binghe who was now feeling anxious and worried.

"Let's get this over with."

Other than that, he said nothing further, only answering Luo Binghe's questions about the labyrinth in as short and concise a sentence as he could make do with. And he didn't ask Luo Binghe for help when he was being attacked or injured, either, though, as a silver lining, he did heal Luo Binghe when he had any injuries...

Not that he would normally have them but he had allowed himself to be injured just to see what Shizun would do.

Shizun had healed him. This was still progress, right?

 

GOOO Lbh im cheering for you!

 

Is this sarcasm or are you genuinely cheering for him?

 

Genuine

 

Poor orig!LBH but at this point, it's just way too late for that, lol.

@Gav Thanks for the chapter.

 

Ehhhh~? I have a sama in my name?
Also, rereading while the background music plays is so cool! It adds a lil' something something to the reading experience

 

....(runs and whacks luo on the shin with a willow branch) ヽ(｀Д´)ﾉ SHIZUN DOESN'T WANT YOU LIKE THAT!!! HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT YOU TO BE NEARER THAN 100 METERS! Progress my foot, shizun will cure you out of the goodness of shizun's morals as long as you're not actively killing him! That doesn't mean shizun likes you! That just means shizun feels obligated to... (_/ °A°)_/

(Gets kicked into the distance) _(´ཀ`」∠)_ *cough cough* Shiiiiizun! Luo is bullying me! Look look! Violence against meat buns!!

/kekeke you fool! Kicking a bun in front of shizun. Don't you know shizun hates those who hurt children ಠﭛಠ ...on second thought, you kicking me Is probably you holding back. I feel like you would have smeared me across at least 5 realms if you really wanted to.

(Thanks for the update @Gav hope yer having a wonderful day~)

 

/pets all you buns.
/Heals @Hydrochoerus
At this rate it will take G a century to recover.
It's a good thing both G and Luo Binghe are immortal cultivators. :V
Luo Binghe is doubly lucky in that G's nature is a lot more forgiving and gentle than the other cultivators around. Otherwise this grudge would last forever, since any other cnovel cultivator would be incapable of forgiveness, period.

Also, did you know each arc of the VR Games I posted here as past life playbacks has a theme song?

For instance here is the theme song for the Dark Kingdom arc for the Ages that G and his people were sealed.

 

HONMEI (TRUE FEELING) VALENTINES CHOCOLATE

Spoiler

ATDSVT-1001 Nights
***
Luo Binghe had grown to love being doted on.

When was the last time or the last person who had cared for him in this manner? His mother, lost to time and death had been the only person who had cared for him when he was weak.

His lovers and eventually his wives, relied on him to be strong. Their hearts had fallen for him after displays of strength, and a polished facade.

Since he had lost that one, steady support ages ago, no one had ever enfolded him in warmth and comfort like Shizun was doing, right now.

Even if it was only because he was a weak, helpless dog or because Shizun didn't know what or who he really was when he was a child like this, it felt so good to be cared for, cuddled close and constantly looked after.

Mmm, cuddles. So warm...

He also really liked the kisses on his cheeks and forehead and the gentle stroking.

He pressed his small face against Shizun's chest,and breathed in his scent as the man rubbed his back and held him close.

Warm. Comforting. Safe.

Dote on me more, Shizun! Spoil me more, Shizun!

"Am I your favorite?" He asked, looking up at Shizun through his long lashes, bashful and yet hopeful.

Shizun smiled softly at him, which filled him with warmth.

"You're the only one of my children who still wants to let me cuddle them."

Luo Binghe's heart skipped a beat. Why would anyone want to not be doted on? Why would anyone turn this down?

"They don't like being constantly doted on, anymore. Everyone seems to have outgrown it. So, I will dote on you until you no longer want to be doted on."

He was Shizun's favorite.

It felt so sweet.

His heart melted and he snuggled into Shizun's embrace, feeling even more giddy, warm, and loved. He was the favorite.

 

Awwwwww

 

VALENTINES CANDY HEARTS

Spoiler

ATDSVT-1001 Nights
***
Having ascertained that he was Shizun's favorite child and now that he was feeling secure that Shizun loved him best among his children...

Luo Binghe now had to ask, what exactly did Shizun want in a spouse?

When he asked Shizun if there was someone he liked, Shizun lit up.

It was like a dam had been burst open. Apparently, that dream wherein Luo Binghe had been trapped behind a transparent wall, unable to peel the Cang Qiong Sect Master off of Shizun while Shizun made love to him was real.

Watching Shizun talk about Yue Qingyuan with adoration, longing and love practically written all over him left Luo Binghe continually eating vinegar, every single moment.

How could he not be bitterly envious and jealous while Shizun was looking like that?

With Shizun's eyes soft and with everything about him practically radiating a soft, warm joy, Luo Binghe could only feel bitterness that it wasn't because of him.

Shizun should have been looking like that at him and because of him. Shizun should have been draped over him, should have been making love to him. Shizun should look forward to waking up to him every day and going to bed with him every night.

But no. All of that was directed at Yue Qingyuan.

***
Luo Binghe puffed out his cheeks and pouted for all he was worth. But he listened intently anyway, to find out what clues he could about what Shizun liked in a person.

What he did find out was that Shizun's first priority, the first traits Shizun spoke of when he described Yue Qingyuan, weren't physical at all.

Luo Binghe had always known Yue Qingyuan was practically saintly. He himself had only killed the man because that man's death would have hurt that Shen Qingqiu.

At this point, he had eaten so much vinegar that he felt even more justified at having killed that Yue Qingyuan. That Shen Qingqiu must have poured all his love into that one man because Luo Binghe felt there was nothing left for his students or anyone else.

Well, maybe something was left for Ning Yingying...but nothing for anyone else.

The first word of praise Shizun had for Yue was for his kindness. After that they were like a flood.

Yue was gentle, loving, kind, loyal, reliable, sincere, honest, considerate... this went on even as Luo Binghe noted the pattern.

Shizun loved Yue Qingyuan because Yue had always treated him kindly, because in a world where Shizun could trust little else, he could put his faith in Yue without fear.

Yue Qingyuan had never intentionally hurt him. Never intentionally betrayed or abandoned him.

Shizun loved Yue because as far as he was concerned, he was perfect. And this perfection was rooted in his behavior rather than his body.

Shizun was willing to admit there were people who were better looking than Yue, objectively. But there were no people who were better for him.

Yue Qingyuan put Shizun's needs and wellbeing above his own, and Shizun adored him and gave him the same in return.

 

Hullo, it's me again. I'm being bullied help This is a different, completed fic from the one I'm supposed to be working on, but eh

Title: The Adventures of Zheng Lingxui, Existentialist
Alt Title: Fairies really are as wicked as in the legends! I am not a chocolate axe!!

Spoiler: the Backstory: How this Shitfest started

Valor - Last Monday at 9:25 PM
if you'd like crack ideas
someone is convinced they are a messiah
and that they have been sent to save the world from evil/becoming G's harem
or something
idk maybe just stick to messiah-complex
Gav - Last Monay at 9:26 PM
I could almost imagine bing ge claiming that
Valor - Last Monday at 9:26 PM
except he'd be first in line for G's harem
Gav - Last Monday at 9:27 PM
Lol
Valor - Last Monday at 9:27 PM
or!
someone is placed under a curse and has to narrate their life film noir style
or maybe it's just their personality who knows?
Valor - Last Monday at 9:27 PM
bc
ohhh! maybe they're the same person!
all delusional and stuff.
Gav - Last Monday at 9:28 PM
It would actually work with bing ge because he is several bricks short of a load
It would also be hilarious
Oh god why
Now I can never unsee it
Valor - Last Monday at 9:29 PM
ahem. "The year is XXXX. I've embarked on this mission, alone, with nothing but my shadow with me."
"I understand the great sacrifice I'm making for humankind, but I fear no one else will truly get me."
"Still, I force myself to go on. The sky is bleak, and the sun's glares are oppressive, as if it wants me to kneel"
some random cultivator : "...dude....you okay?"

Gav - Last Monday at 9:30 PM
Go write it as an actual fic, @Valor
Do it
Do iiiit​

Valor - Last Monday at 9:30 PM
random cultivator: "You've been talking to yourself for the last hour...."
.
Valor - Last Monday at 9:32 PM
why don't you give me one of the arcs to work with?
Gav - Last Monday at 9:33 PM
Which arc lol
Valor - Last Monday at 9:33 PM
like, as a reference point
idk. i'll always prefer huang enlai
but the thought of this random loony being the cultivator Guo Minghua dissed that one time(edited)
.
.
.
Gav - Last Monday at 9:40 PM
Zheng Lingxiu as the guy's name
Gav - Last Monday at 9:47 PM
But for our poor random cultivator I hereby dub him Wang Rui

(Their names actually ended up as Zheng Lingxui (I misspelt that oops) and Wang Lei (bc "rock" more fitting))

Introductory Arc:

Spoiler

If asked, Lingxui would trace the plight of his great destiny to his inauspicious birth.

Lingxui had the terrible misfortune of being born a metal zodiac dragon in the midst of the torrential downpour, less than ten minutes before the 21st of May. Perhaps if the Zheng mother had held on for that incense stick of time, the prosperity and harvest associated with that would have washed off the gloomy aura of bad luck that would plague Lingxui for years to come. Or, at least, that's what Lingxui himself contends.

(As it was, Zheng mother and Zheng father looked at each other, then at their third child, a bawling mess of frustration, inexplicable sadness, and neediness, and simultaneously sighed.)

o-o-o-o-o-o

Zheng Lingxui, as befitting of his noble lineage, learned to pick up the calligraphy brush at the age of two. He would learn to actually use the implement two years later, but that's a story for another time. What Lingxui thought, holding the brush that was reminiscent of a scholar's future, may be lost to time. Did he feel the weight of a minister's position and prestige drape itself across his shoulders? Or was he instead terrified by the future that seemed so inevitable to him, a lifetime of slaving away for the Emperor? In truth, he was probably just enthralled by how fine and ticklish the horse hairs were.

But there was something building underneath his skin as he continued to hold the ink brush. Something otherworldly. Something divine. As the Lingxui of today mimicked holding that brush, bracing his index and thumb against the smooth surface, he felt as if he'd been sent back in time to his two year old self.

The same two-year-old who, waving the implement around in the air as if he could draw the sky, heard:

"Well, you're just going to be a fine hero, aren't you?"

(What Lingxui doesn't know, and what no one can bear to tell him, is that the voice belongs to his second aunt on his mother's side. The aunt was mocking the Zheng father for his then-illegible irrigation reform plan, and the thin walls delivered her message straight to little Lingxui's ears)

o-o-o-o-o-o

Lingxui himself was not particularly superstitious (lie. lie lie lie), but he was just as helpless to ignore the great call of heroism and glory as the next two year old. So for the next decade or so of his life, Lingxui devoted himself tirelessly to learning the etiquettes of the noblesse (horse-riding, swordsmanship, and yes, calligraphy) and excelling in academics. When he was declared to be the top among his peers, Zheng Lingxui knew that he had the potential to overcome the circumstances of his birth, and to do so spectacularly.

(Zheng father and mother were proud, they really were. But their little third child had such a terrible habit of detailing his accomplishments to anyone who would listen....it was probably best to send Lingxui to a prestigious Sect, where this behavior isn't too out of the ordinary....

And that's how Lingxui finds himself paying obeisance to the Celestial Destiny Sect, his home away from home for the years to come.)

o-o-o-o-o-o

Naturally, becoming the inner disciple of a sect as prestigious as the Celestial Destiny Sect was easier said than done. Of the hundreds of talented hopefuls applying for discipleship, only a meager 20-30 was able to outshine the rest and secure themselves a future at the sect. The year Zheng Lingxui applied, the Celestial Destiny Sect's Disciples Qualifying Exam was one of the toughest in its history. Lingxui, long aware of the ill omens that shadowed his heels, looked up at magnificent peak that was to be his future home and made a quiet promise. Then, he looked away before snow-reflected rays of the sun could blind him. (He would be blinking spots out of his vision for hours.)

This year's Disciple Qualifying Exam seemed deceivingly simple on the surface: Climb the Mountain. But what resident of the Celestial Destiny Sect's base town didn't know of the ferocious beasts that lingered in the woods aside the mountain trails? Rumors were abundant of the terrible four-jawed snake, who poisoned with one set of mouth and consumed with the other. Townsmen swore up and down that they'd seen an elephant-sized panther, who slinked in between thickets, searching for cultivators to prey on.

Lingxui heard all this and more, naturally, and was appropriately fearful. But despite that small shiver of dread, there was a greater assurance in his heart that allowed Lingxui to put one foot in front of another and enter the Exam. It was a voice, sounding suspiciously like his second maternal aunt but also a lot like the divine voice that smiled down upon him all those years ago.

It whispered, "Hero, this will not be where you perish." And Lingxui believed.

("Hey! Young master! Hello! You forgot your water supply! Young master!" called the vendor, a little desperately. He looked at the departing and flowing robes---How? There wasn't even any wind!---of his most recent customer. "Damn that kid looks out of it. Is he going to be okay?")

o-o-o-o-o-o

Zheng Lingxui noticed the conspicuous lack of half his supplies about a third of the way up the hike. In his defense, prolonged eye exposure to direct sunlight could really make one light headed. But by now, it was too late to go back down and refuel. Lingxui cursed his unlucky stars, before reaching for the next ledge and pulling himself up. With or without water, Lingxui would scale this mountain and cement for himself a place in cultivation history.

As it turned out, there was a slight miscalculation. Less than a hundred meters away from the entrance of Celestial Destiny Sect, Lingxui collapsed from a nauseating sensation commonly associated with mild dehydration. He spat out the dirt that entered into his mouth from the impact.

Lingxui revealed a deep unwillingness. "So this.... is where it ends."

The sky laughed at him in a harsh blue, and the sun's oppressive rays seemed to force him deeper in to the dirt. Lingxui tried to crawl forward into the sanctuary of nearby shade, but found that all his energy had left him. He thought back to his mother and father, who for all that they were incapable had treated Lingxui with genuine love and care. He thought back to his two older siblings, both established ministers in their own right. Finally, Lingxui contemplated the great future that was promised to him by the voice, and knew deep in his soul that this was a failure brought upon by his circumstances. Wracked with despair, this is when Lingxui noticed that there was a voice, a masculine one this time, calling to him.

"--ear me? Oh great, your eyes are focusing. Look here, how many fingers am I holding up?"

o-o-o-o-o-o

The boy who had reached out to Lingxui was neither attractive nor unattractive, and did not possess any particular characteristics. A regular John, then. Probably with a 'Wang' in his name, which would cement his status of mediocrity.

"....Dude. At this range, I can hear you even if you're muttering under your breath. Your voice doesn't sound too good though. Do you need water?"

Zheng Lingxui was immediately reminded of his currently perilous situation. "Water," he croaked, nodding. The boy pulled out a canteen from his bag, one of two dozen, and passed it to Lingxui.

After he gratefully consumed the life-saving liquid, Lingxui passed the empty canteen back to the boy. "Thank you for your help, stranger," he said. "But I'm afraid this is where we'll part."

"Um," said the boy. "We're going the same way? Look, the sect's welcome banner is right above the treetops."

Lingxui considered this. "It is true that multiple paths may end up in the same direction," he admitted. "Very well then, stranger. Until we meet again." And he headed off, once again ready to challenge the obstacles the heavens may place in his path.

Lingxui hears a call from behind him. "Wait do you want me to like, walk 30 steps behind you or something? Also, my name is Wang Lei!"

Zheng Lingxui solemnly accepted the confirmation that he was right, and reached for the next ledge.

o-o-o-o-o-o

(A curious thing about Wang Lei: who in the world brings up two dozen canteens of water, even if the hike is inordinately long? The weight alone would be enough to stop some pampered young masters from taking the first step up the mountain, as retainers were not allowed to come with in the qualifying exam. Luckily, Wang Lei was the son of a hardworking farmer, which gave him ample ability in carrying all that weight.

As for the number of canteens, all Lei could say was that he definitely didn't have the funds to afford them all. It was due to the great kindness of the vendor he purchased from that Lei had walked away with more than double what he'd initially purchased. The vendor made him promise to look out for fainting thin-boned young masters along the way, and to save them if they haven't died.

"There was this real absent-minded fool, you see," explained the vendor. Wang Lei nodded and pretended he understood.)

o-o-o-o-o-o

"Oh cool, there's a shit ton more disciples than expected," noted the inner disciple that came out to welcome the newest batch of newbies. "Come one, come all! Rest for a bit. We'll find a way to eliminate half of you later."

The Celetial Destiny disciple had told nothing but the truth. There was nearly double the amount of expected qualifiers, and the Celestial Destiny Sect had only arranged accommodations for their original ball-parked number. This meant that rooms needed to be shared. Room assignments were given based off of the order in which participants passed the test, though leeway was given to separate females from males. Anyone who protested was given a heavy side-eye.

(Another group regarded with thinly veiled disgust and bewilderment was a sobbing pair, both who were probably retainers given their mode of dress. "Thank god the young master is okay," one was heard crying.)

And so it came to be that Zheng Lingxui, in 8th place, was assigned a room with Wang Lei, who was in 10th.

"An unexpected coincidence, to be meeting you here again," Lingxui said to his new roommate regally, who he naturally recognized as the man who lent a helping hand not too long ago. His tone, however, carried hints of suspicion, as expected from one whose intimacies with fate were never so clearly defined.

Wang Lei found himself at a loss for words. Was this really that unexpected for Lingxui, given that Wang Lei was practically right behind him on the way up? Was he messing with him?

"Right," Wang Lei said, finally. "Listen, I overheard some other examinees talking about what the elimination round's going to be like. It's a doubles tournament, and we'll be paired up by roommate. Do you want to familiarize ourselves with our martial arts and see if they're compatible?"

Zheng Lingxui recognized an overture of friendship when he saw one. He found himself hesitant to accept. Of all the scrolls he read detailing the accomplishments of great men in history, he found many examples of what were titled "fair-weather friends," those who played nice until the going got tough. Lingxui knew better than anyone how seductive an offer of friendship can be, as he had rejected many whose primary aim was to leech off him and his status.

There were already far too enemies for Lingxui in this world; he could not afford to be besieged by backstabbers as well.

"....Is your home life okay?" Wang Lei asked. "You're just a little on this side of paranoid."

If Lingxui were to detail the shortcomings of his parents, it would take too long. So instead, he said, "I don't see a reason for us to be friends. I'm sure we can pass the next trial just fine as acquaintances."

"I'm pretty sure I saved your life. Just today, in fact."

"A vulture would still be unable to kill off an injured lion."

"A vulture wouldn't be feeding a lion either!" Wang Lei blurted out, before a look of shock crossed his face. (Too quietly for Lingxui to hear, he breathed, "What the fuck just happened to me.")

Zheng Lingxui, for his part, mulled over Wang Lei's words. A light entered his eyes. While it was true the great heroes of the past have been surrounded on all sides by insidious schemers, there were indeed some true sworn brothers who followed loyally until death. Lingxui holds no disdain for those types of people, and a friendship with them is indeed acceptable.

"Very well then." Lingxui said, gravely aware of the momentous event this would be for Wang Lei. "You may be my follower."

Wang Lei, still trembling from his own uncharacteristic outburst, decided that the statement was too loaded with 'wtf's and so he heard nothing. "....So then. What martial arts do you do?"

Lingxui nods, "I practice the art of fencing."

"....."

o-o-o-o-o-o

(Well, they were able to reach third place. As loony as he may seem, Zheng Lingxui really was top of his class in most respects, fencing included. Wang Lei, once he learned to stay out of the way of pointy ends (Lingxui had this habit of being indiscriminate), gave a great showing too.

Also their semifinal match (and elimination match) was against the two hysteric retainers sent by the Zheng family. Details.)

 

/bullies @Valor even more!

 

The Adventures of Zheng Lingxui, Existentialist

Name Will Come Later Arc:

Spoiler

Given their placing, it was only natural that Zheng Lingxui and Wang Lei passed the impromptu examination. Fate may like to play around, but a top three placing tended to be pretty solid. And so after whispering their condolences to the 10th place pair, who had their pass revoked so that a pair of pretty young sisters could be accepted into the Celestial Destiny Sect, the winners of the tournament found themselves taking the first step onto the road of cultivation.

Lingxui himself greeted this new development with unparalleled gravity. Cultivation was, in a phrase, the way for man to overcome nature. How could Lingxui not be moved, having finally gained the weapon by which he would spear the Heavenly Dao in all its tyranny?

"I will overturn the heavens." Lingxui swore the following night, but quietly, out of respect for his associates. "I will lead mankind to dominate the Heavens and the Earths, and now not even fate can repress me."

(He never quite realized the irony in joining the Celestial Destiny Sect. At the rate things were going, he likely never would.)

"F'k's sakes, man. Go to sleep," came the muffled voice one bed down. "Please."

(It was not Wang Lei. Lei had already fallen into slumber and was all but dead to the world, a habit he'd picked up from nights on the farm when the rumbling moos of cows and ground-shaking squeals of pigs threatened to take the roof off the shabby hut.)

"Don't tell my young master what to do," hissed the occupant of an adjacent bunk. "You ingrate."

Things devolved rather quickly right then and there. The only people to show up the next morning without bruises were Zheng Lingxui and Wang Lei. The latter was also the only one to look appropriately well-rested.

o-o-o-o-o-o

A discipleship at the Celestial Destiny Sect came with its own obstacles. However, whether it was the tortuously long study sessions or the equally intensive physical training, Lingxui was able to proclaim that he'd overcome them with little difficulty. Everything had seemed to be at least be manageable sailing, if not entirely smooth sailing.

(Wang Lei would argue that no, catastrophe was right around the corner. As the unfortunate person who is yet again Lingxui's roommate, only this time indefinitely, Lei had the questionable privilege of watching Lingxui deliberate for weeks on end over blinds, trying to choose between dark red and darker red.

"The colors are plum and sangria," huffed retainer number two. The first one was busy holding up the décor for Lingxui to compare.

Wang Lei remembered that it would soon be time to choose the bedspreads, and quietly despaired.)

Actually, things were going so well it left Lingxui a little....bewildered. Where was the dog blood? The oppression by senior brothers? Where were the devils adorned in human flesh? The persecution? Where were the hot-blooded exchanges, battles fought only for the sake of glory? The answer, it seemed, was 'nowhere.'

For the first time, Zheng Lingxui was feeling out of his depth.

It was a terrible feeling.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Well, truthfully, it wasn't like there weren't senior brothers just the slightest bit irked by all of Zheng Lingxui's peacocking and tendency to mutter under his breath. It's even quite fair to say that there's a sizeable population of disciples hoping to maybe knock some sense into this kid. He's really, really concerning.

But alas, any attempt to do so was given an icy glare by the Celestial Sect's younger generation first person, as well as number one cool beauty, young Hui Yin.

When one of her entourage (there's really no other way to refer to it) questioned her on her attitude towards the loony junior brother, she graced them with a elegant smirk stretching itself across her glossy lips. Her slim, jade fingers tapped along the wood of her desk. "I haven't ever met someone so interesting."

"Miss Yin...." her follower was clearly not understanding. "He's actually serious about all the things he's saying."

Hui Yin's long lashes lowered over her glittering peach eyes. She was an effortless beauty, but there was something unsettling and feline about her grace. "Oh, I know."

o-o-o-o-o-o

What Hui Yin said was "interesting," but what she thought was "profoundly dumb and statistically impossible."

See the thing was, Hui Yin actually had met Zheng Lingxui in person once, out on the fields of the Celestial Destiny garden. She'd done her usual routine of ignoring the hell out of him, and was intrigued to see that he seemed to be completely oblivious to her. Thinking perhaps that he was negging her, or feigning disinterest, Hui Yin casually switched on her charm. There was a high chance that he'd start drooling.

He did even worse. Apparently, he really truly was engrossed in the weed he was trying to uproot, muttering underneath his breath about "not being shown up by the farmer's son." After completely not registering on his radar for another 5 minutes, Hui Yin decided to flash some leg. There was no want of suitors to avenge her disgrace later, anyway.

Well, Lingxui sure saw that. He also backed up nearly 30 meters, all the while demanding to know what her intentions were.

Hui Yin was really, really bored. She affected a pout, "Oh? Are you perhaps not interested in me? Have I lost my beauty? Ah, but you stared at me so intensely..."

Lingxui turned beet red, sputtering out a mixed reassurance that she was indeed still pretty and also a disclaimer that he was preying on her, before suddenly sucking in a breath and forcefully calming down. "I'm too wise to be taken in by scorpion beauties," Hui Yin heard him mutter to himself. "Keep calm and do not stray."

And then he fled, leaving Hui Yin staring at his afterimage, trying her best to suppress the laughter bubbling up her throat.

A blushing young man came up to her and tried to warned her off of using her "seductive wiles" on his "young master," and visibly wilted once she stared hard at him. This one too fled quickly, with a cry of "sorry young master!" trailing behind him.

Finally all alone, Hui Yin bent over and cackled her heart out.

o-o-o-o-o-o

The story of how Gu Fa and Gu Feng came to be how they were was rather...tragic. Maybe even inevitable. The fraternal twins were born into a family of butlers and maids, and were naturally expected to take up the noble occupation when they came of age. Now, the Gu family had long been intimate with and thus an unofficial vassal of the extremely prestigious and influential Zheng family, who was rumored to have the emperor's ears. In fact, the current head generation of both families were bosom buddies.

Now, backtracking a bit. At the age of three, Zheng Lingxui had somehow reached a peak in his clinginess. If he'd gone even fifteen minutes without his parent's attention, he would start crying, these fat droplets of tears rolling down his pudgy baby cheeks. It wasn't even a wailing kind of cry, just a heart-wrenching silent sob, and it smashed everyone's heart into little pieces. In an attempt to make sure their baby doesn't dehydrate, Zheng father and mother tried to rope in their two eldest to help give the third child some attention when they were busy.

It didn't work. Usually, it ended up in the elder Zheng children (at this time 12 and 14) crying along with little Lingxui.

Zheng mother was just about to wear one of those commoner's baby slings when the grace of heaven came in the form of Gu mother and her twins, only a year younger than Lingxui.

Strangely enough, Lingxui saw the two younger children and immediately stopped crying, eyes wide and curious. Cautiously, Zheng mother had Gu mother place her children down on both sides of little Lingxui (he started swiveling his head between them, visibly confused), and slowly backed her friend away and out of the room. After lingering for a full hour outside the door, Zheng mother didn't even hear a single hitch in her Lingxui's breath (at this point, she had an extensive and intensive auditory range, honed by nights of making sure her baby doesn't cry himself to death while waking in the middle of the night).

There was not a single sound beyond normal toddler babbling, not even the thump of a teardrop hitting the sofa.

In this moment, Zheng mother had found God in the form of two little tykes.

In contrast, Gu mother had found the Devil in the form of her best friend's (then) youngest. When she went back home with her twins, Gu Fa and Gu Feng were babbling about heroes and gushing about a "young master." He was so cool! He was going to save the world! He had a really pretty smile, it was like sunshine! Gu Fa and Gu Feng wanted to see him again! Where was young master? Where was mommy hiding him?

Zheng mother was so sorry to her friend she didn't even have any tears to cry.
o-o-o-o-o-o

Now, the situation was no better. Having declared themselves to be retainers of the Zheng Lingxui, Gu Fa and Gu Feng decisively left for the same sect that Zheng family was hoping Lingxui would pay respects to. The two were indeed a very capable duo despite their almost debilitating adoration of their young master, so it was no surprise that they've passed the qualifying exam with flying colors (first place, said the letter to Gu mother).

What was a surprise was the letter report sent to Zheng father, nearly fifty times thicker than the one sent to Gu Fa and Gu Feng's own family. In it, Fa and Feng described their inability to find the young master (who lacked his water supply and was thus in terrible straits) near the base of the mountain in lurid detail, and begged multiple times for forgiveness.

After lingering nearly two hours near the bottom half of the mountain in search for their self-assigned charge, Gu Fa and Gu Feng had to abandon their search through the thickets and hurry up the mountain in the last thirty minutes, in hopes that a cultivator there would be able to help them out. There, it said in Gu Fa's neat scrawl, they managed to find their young master! As expected of the young master, a little loss of water couldn't stop him! It continued to describe how dashing the young master looked, but took space to fret over the disordered state of Lingxui's clothes.

At the end of the report, there was a single line in Gu Feng's loopy cursive: "There was a guy named Wang Lei." Gu Feng must have used too much force while writing, because this line was considerably more etched than the paragraphs prior.

Zheng father puzzled over this for a long time, before deciding to set it aside in favor of petitioning the emperor to improve the state of education.

This was the first of many such reports to follow.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Reports were being sent on a biweekly basis. Around report number 34, Zheng father finally placed who 'Wang Lei' was. There seemed to be a tagalong "who'd sunk his claws" (to quote) into Lingxui, and had been riding Lingxui's coattails since day one. Wang Lei was an insidious creature who was slowly contaminating Lingxui's mind.

....Zheng father didn't know who these two were trying to fool. If there really were such a person, Gu Fa and Giu Feng would have long disposed of him. They wouldn't be burying references to him under paragraph upon paragraph of what the young master had each day of the week (down to the calorie) or how fantastically the young master passed his most recent assessment. Another five pages of a different report had detailed the incredibly fashionable decisions the young master had made to the décor of his lodgings.

Report number 50 seemed to offer a more genuine insight into the kind of person Wang Lei was, detailing an event in which Lingxui generously spared the life of a young spiritual rabbit, and kindly decided to take it in as a pet. It was all so sappy Zheng father thought it might as well have been soaked in perfume. And once again, at the end of the letter in loopy cursive, it said, "Wang Lei gave us some lettuce to feed Tutu."

Report number 57 came with a little surprise. Not in the report itself, Zheng father was still uncomfortably over informed of the food choices his third son was making as well as how Lingxui was sleeping ("well, though we cannot rule out the influence the terrible aura of his roommate"). No, the surprise was an attached note, written by the general instructor at the Celestial Destiny Sect and one of Zheng father's old schoolmates. It read,

"Zheng Dawei,

Your son's rabbits have completely overrun the garden. We're old friends. Please give me a break.

Wishing you and your wife well.

-Jiale"

Zheng father and mother looked at each other, and decided maybe they should give Lingxui a chance to get out of the country and see some new sights.

Coincidently, the eldest Zheng son's fiancée, who lived in the Eastern country, had extended an indefinite invitation sometime back.

After confirming that the invitation could be extended to retainers, Zheng mother went to her best friends house to pack some bags and ship the whole lot of them off.

For a week, that is. And only after Zheng father and mother got to see their little son for the first time in over two years.

o-o-o-o-o-o

A little addendum: Zheng Lingxui had a terrible track record with females: young , old, busty, flat, and everything in between. One just had to look towards Hui Yin to get a sense of why. Not even Lingxui's younger sister was exempt from this phenomenon.

Lingxui's sister was conceived in an attempt to lighten the load on Gu mother's twin sons, who naturally could not follow Lingxui around 24/7. The result of that master plan was a Zheng Zhifei, who single-handedly solved all the current worries of the Zheng family and gave them a new batch of issues to worry about.

It went like this: Zheng Zhifei was not as intelligent as her older brother, nor as good with a sword. Her academics were above average, but not exactly top of her class. In these respects, it would appear that Lingxui was the child who came better off. Except.

What Lingxui lacked, his little sister had in spades. Proof: the Zhifei at twelve years old would have enough business sense to run her own company (and she actually would, with no one being the wiser). It was theorized that the common sense that slipped out of Lingxui's brain had lingered about in Zheng mother’s womb, before her fourth and final child sucked it all up and entered the world ready for anything.

But the precocious age of two was when Zhifei truly made her mark on her family dynamic. One day, little Zheng Zhifei turned to her six-year-old brother (who, albeit no longer clingy, was still a crybaby and a diva rolled into one) and said, “Third brother, father says that you will be a man one day.”

“T-that’s right!” agreed Lingxui, who’d been startled out of the picture he was drawing.

“Third brother also says he will be a hero.”

Lingxui put down his brush shyly. “O-oh." He puffed out his chest. "Yep!”

Zhifei frowned, “But if third brother is a man and a hero, why does third brother cry so much? That’s not manly or heroic at all.”

In this moment, Lingxui’s three views were blasted apart.

And so that was how little Zhifei solved a thousand questions with one stroke. After that day, Zheng Lingxui was no longer in danger of crying himself to death. However, he was now in danger of being lost to the fantasies inside his head.

(Ostensibly, where the blood, guts, and glory could be found.)

Before, it had been incredibly easy to tell if Lingxui was feeling down and out of sorts. Now, Lingxui's thoughts could no longer be grasped by the sensible person, and his habit of narrating his own life was...less than helpful. It really raised more questions than could be answered, and gave people a lot of misconceptions.

(Really, the Zheng household didn't know whether to praise the littlest mistress or put her in a twenty year long time out. On one hand, Lingxui was about twenty times likelier to live until 30. On the other hand, no one could get through to him.

Zhifei, once she realized what she'd done to her third brother, voted for the second option. The guilt was rather real.)

o-o-o-o-o-o

Actually, going back to Hui Yin: Zheng Lingxui was indeed getting along better with her. For a given measure of "better." The distance that he'd place between then gradually decreased from thirty meters to ten, then to five. They were now able to hold short, intensely awkward (though only for Lingxui) conversations. Hui Yin took great amusement in offering Lingxui tea, following which he'd always abruptly flee.

(There are three cardinal do-nots when it comes to scorpion beauties. You do not have sex with a scorpion beauty (kissing is okay though). You do not fall in love with a scorpion beauty. And you absolutely 100% DO NOT have tea with a scorpion beauty.

Tea time is when all the devils come out to play.)

"Like a little rabbit," Hui Yin mused. The way she slipped out of her chair was almost predatory.

The Climatic Moment Arc:

Spoiler

In contrast, Lingxui's relationship with Lei Chin was much more straightforward. She was to be his future big sister-in-law, and that was that.

Except, you know. This was the first time anyone from the Zheng family, other than the betrothed himself, would be meeting her.

The Zheng family's eldest was a rather lucky man. Somehow, in the one time he took a royalty-sponsored trip to a neighboring country, he managed to capture the heart of a young noble woman. He conquered her heart so thoroughly that a request for an engagement had reached the Zheng family home a day before the guest of honor returned. Within another year or two, it'd be time for the two to finally follow through on their engagement.

"As expected of young master's brother!" said Gu Fa when Lei Chin introduced herself in Lingxui's native tongue with a perfected accent. Gu Feng had won the battle to hold the young master's luggage, and so was guarding it with so much zeal he didn't have time for pleasantries.

Lingxui happily shook her hand, returning the greeting in her language with his own heavy accent weighing down his words. The future was truly approaching with great velocity. Already, people Lingxui had grown up with were finding their true matches, readying the legacy they would be passing on to their descendants. Lingxui too needed to work harder on his cultivation, so that when the enemies came to tear their happy family apart he could defend them.

If anyone else had been there, they would have cursed the Zheng eldest out as the dog he was, not daydream.

Lei Chin lived up to the 'thunder' in her name, and was in all senses of the word a vixen beauty. She was busty, with exceedingly seductive facial features and long, slim legs. Her hair fell down her back in ringlets, a striking contrast against her glossy, smooth clothing. In short, she was the poster child for 'extravagance,' beauty until rot.

"Come, little brother!" said Lei Chin, so intimately it seemed ludicrous that this was their first meeting. "Let this big sister show you the sights!" She turned towards the Gu twins. "Would you two like to leave that with my family's servants? They'll bring it back to the compound for you."

"No!" hissed Gu Feng, before he coughed awkwardly, and tried again in heavily accented wuxianese. "I mean, it is fine. I will go with them to deliver our luggage."

"Oh cool," said Gu Fa, gleefully. "Since it looks like you have that under control, I'll be going with our young master then!"

Gu Feng looked a little like the world just ended.

Lei Chin laughed, "I'll have one of my servants escort you to the restaurant we'll be eating at later." She nodded at one of her escorts, who bowed deeply. "We'll all have a meal together." With that Gu Feng recovered a bit of his complexion. He was still incredibly reluctant to leave, though.

As for Zheng Lingxui, this was the moment he finally realized what others had been aware of much earlier: his brother struck gold. Then this thought veered off the usual path, and Lingxui concluded that he was very lucky to have a sister-in-law like Lei Chin.

(The Zheng family's second eldest would cough blood when he first met Lei Chin. Fortunes like this never happened to him!)

o-o-o-o-o-o

Lei Chin, in her efforts to introduce Lingxui and Gu Fa to the city, brought them everywhere from the butchers to the grocers to the jewelers. When Lingxui curiously asked if his eldest brother ever gave Lei Chin a token of their engagement, the woman blushed a fetching red.

"That's..." Lei Chin cupped her palm over where her heart was, thus landing it on her hefty chest. "the bond between your brother and I transcends the physical. It's an emotional tie that makes me long for him every day."

Zheng Lingxui nodded without understanding much of anything. In another country over, the second eldest Zheng son suddenly felt like he had heartburn and also the urge to cough up blood.

After the jewelers, Lei Chin brought them to an auction hall, one of which the Lei family was a VIP. "If you want anything," she whispered with a wink, "let me know!"

Events proceeded smoothly, until a conflict arose at the designated restaurant.

"I don't understand," said Lei Chin. Her tone was lofty and distant, and a considerable contrast to the intimate cheer that she exuded minutes before. "Did I not make a room reservation weeks before?"

"I'm very sorry, young mistress Lei," the manager said quickly, "as I have mentioned, this restaurant gives primarily walk-in service. There are currently no available rooms as they are currently all occupied by walk-in customers."

"But I made a reservation," said Lei Chin, a little frostily. "Your people assured me that it would be done."

"Once again, I'm truly sorry." The manager pulled over a young man and made him bow as well. "This one overstepped his boundaries when he made that promise. We truly do not have a reservation system in this house."

Lei Chin's eyes narrowed. "So you're going back on your word." When the manager opened his mouth again, she shut him down. "Do not twist the facts with me. You yourself have done reservations for me and my father. My family still has the memo from last month, if you'd like proof."

"Young mistress Lei," stammered the manager helplessly. "With the cultivators in town, there are far too many customers for me to make that guarantee. I'm very, very sorry." He bowed, repeatedly. "Young mistress Lei, we still have seating available for two on the first floor. Would you be interested?"

Lei Chin turned from icy anger to visibly seething. The offer the manager made was incredibly insulting, asking her to settle for second best.

Zheng Lingxui, too, was overwhelmed by how disrespectful the manager was being to the noble family Lei Chin represented. Back in his home city, even the highest grade restaurant would not dare to revoke the Zheng family member's reservation without consulting them first, not even if the instigative party were a Sect Master. To do so was to slap the Zheng family in the face and denounce their influence, and it warranted retaliation.

Lingxui, unwilling to have his recently introduced sister-in-law bear the shame of having her family name trampled upon, pitched in his own two cents in heavily accented wuxianese. "A two person table?" he demanded. "Are you asking me to keep my retainers outside? Are you saying they cannot enter your establishment?"

"Young master," murmured Gu Fa, moved.

"No, of course not," the manager said. "I could...I could arrange another table for you by asking a group to leave, or--"

Lingxui frowned. "If you can do that, then ask a group with a room to leave! Your efforts are half-hearted!" This man was so wishy-washy! (A few thousand kilometers away, Wang Lei felt the urge to smack someone over the head for being a hypocrite.)

The manager in question looked ready to cry. "I really can't do that, there's the Heroic Condor Sect, the Floating Cloud Sect, and disciples from Qing Jing; they are all very prestigious cultivators. I really can't just ask them to leave."

"The Lei family are the nobles of this town!" Lingxui scowled. From beside him, Lei Chin snorted and flipped her hair back. "What the hell is ...Qing Jing," the word sounded clunky and inflexible with his accent, "compared to the influence of the Lei? Do you think the Lei are worth less than cultivators?" Lingxui, for some reason, found himself gearing up towards an anger he never knew he had in him. His sister-in-law, looking surprised, put a comforting hand on his arm.

"No, no, of course not!" said the manager. A waitress quickly ran up to him and whispered in his ear, and his expression melted in sweet relief. He looked ready to worship her. "Oh, yes, the Qing Jing cultivators have just left. A room has opened up. Please, young mistress, young master, come this way. I'm really, terribly sorry for the delay."

Lingxui wrangled with the strange fury, trying to force it under control. He turned towards his sister-in-law and tried to smile, but she still seemed very worried. So did Gu Fa, for that matter. Lingxui laughed, "What Qing Jing? Could they compare to your Lei family? Or my brother's Zheng?" At that thought, Lingxui relaxed a little. Right. This wouldn't have happened with his family.

"Psh," joked Lei Chin, "to think my future younger brother would have to defend me when it should be the other way around. Haven't you heard of seniority?"

On their way towards the room, Lei Chin and Lingxui passed by a young, fair-complexioned noble girl and her entourage of stocky, well-muscled servants. It wouldn't have mattered, except the young girl was quietly lecturing her companions on the pointlessness of "harassing some poor restaurant owner to prove dominance like some dog peeing on the nearest wall."

Girl or not, Lingxui whirled around and pulled his saber out of his storage pouch. "You!" he demanded. "How dare you use vulgar terms like that! Has your family not taught you proper language? If you were not taught respect, then I can give you a lesson!" Or so he tried to say. His words tripped over each other in the unfamiliar language, and there was a high chance that whatever it was that came out of his mouth wasn't even legible.

And after that....there was no after that. One second Lingzui was trying to engage the girl's escorts in a duel of honor, and the next second the girl put on some metal gauntlets and--

He was…Lingxui didn’t understand. He knew fencing. He had breathed fencing, for a time. And yet he might as well have not bothered, because his parries were all too late, his lunges far too slow, and his movements much too clumsy, and suddenly his saber was skittering across the floor and punches were coming down.

Then another second later, Lingxui was aching kind of...everywhere, and a book on...etiquette? was being shoved into his face. His ears were ringing and the girl's mouth was moving but no sounds were coming out. When Lingxui finally zoned in, he was regaled, in painstaking detail, of every single faux pas he'd made so far, criticized to the heavens and back on how obnoxiously he carried himself, and had several doubts casted on the state of his country's education.

And then he was given a health potion, before the female noble turned and walked away.

That was when Lei Chin, who hadn't realized the situation going on until a second too late, broke through the gathered crowd of spectators and ran to Lingxui's side.

"Scram!" she snapped out at the masses, and the manager from before hurried back to disperse the crowd. Gu Fa, who had gone further ahead to scout out the room and thus was in a similar situation as Lei Chin, quickly came back to remove these interlopers with a vengeance. Lei Chin wrapped her arm around Lingxui's shoulders, supporting him. "Lingxui? Little brother Lingxui, are you okay?"

"...hurts," said Lingxui. "Oh, but there is a health potion." His head felt groggy.

"Drink it," Lei Chin urged, uncapping it and bringing it to Lingxui's lips. "Slowly, okay? Slowly."

Gu Fa, after quickly scaring off the last of the audience, quickly ran to Lingxui's side. "Young master! What do you need? Whatever it is you need or want right now, I'll get it for you."

Lingxui finished up the potion and felt a little surprised at its potency. Already, some of the bruises had gone and turned back into clear, pale skin. There might have been a broken rib, but he didn't feel much pain in that area anymore. Unwilling to think much more, Lingxui drew in his knees and buried his head in his arms. Then he closed his eyes, and pretended the world didn't exist. The quicksilver anger from before had been beaten into submission.

At some point, Gu Feng and one of Lei Chin's retainers had arrived at the restaurant, and were quickly ushered in by the manager.

Lingxui heard Gu Feng snarl. "Who the fuck did this? I'll make them wish they weren't alive!"

Lei Chin's voice came hazily from the left. "I think it might have been Qing Jing, from the Cang Qiong Sect. The insignia on their robes looked familiar."

A growl. "Gu Fa! We're going to hunt them down!"

"Hmph. You do it. The young master needs me right now."

"You..." A third presence settled in against Lingxui's side. "Young master, is there anything you'd like us to do?"

Lingxui shrugged.

Lei Chin sighed, her arms briefly tightening around Lingxui in reassurance. "Come on, let's return to my house."

o-o-o-o-o-o

Two days after the incident, Lingxui continued to hole himself up in the room the Lei family had prepared for him.

"I've already sent a letter describing what happened to the Zheng family," Gu Fa said, casting periodic glances towards the door to the young master's room. He'd been very high-strung lately, but was adamant that he must be within ten meters of Zheng Lingxui at all times. "Most likely, Madam Zheng will ask us to return home."

Lei Chin sighed, running a hand through her curls. "The first time I meet my fiancé's family and this shit happens. I'm really, really sorry."

"You didn't plan this," said Gu Fa tersely.

That's when Gu Feng, holding a tray of Lingxui's favorite food, came up and knocked on the door to Lingxui's room. "Young master?" he called. "Would you like something to eat?"

A muffled reply came through the door. "...I don't feel very hungry. Sorry."

Lei Chin went up to the door and knocked too. "Little brother? Would you like to return home? I can arrange a carriage right now. How does that sound?"

"....I don't know."

Lei Chin wished she could just burst into the room, but something told her that to do so would be to sever a trust irreparably. "What do we do?" she asked, turning to the twins.

Gu Feng, who was still carrying the trays, bit his lips so hard there was a droplet of blood. Finally, he forced out, "Get Wang Lei."

Gu Fa's expression darkened immediately, before settling into resignation. "I'll send a letter," he said, standing up, and immediately looked conflicted.

Lei Chin motioned for him to remain where he was, and called over a servant. "Please get us some paper and ink."

By Another Name Arc:

Spoiler

Wang Lei arrived with a bunny in hand two days after the letter from the Zheng family apologized to Lei family and demanded their son back. Zheng Lingxui was not willing to do much beyond the perfunctory eating and sleeping, and tended to look as if he was lost in his own head. The Gu brothers and Chin held their breaths, waiting for a miracle.​

Wang Lei thrusted the fluff ball onto Gu Feng's tray (a different one each day) and knocked on the door. "Lingxui? It's me. Can I come in?"​

"Ah....yeah," came the reply, and Lei opened the door to enter. Wang Lei found his friend looking thinner and much more haggard, and a niggling worry pestered Lei into picking up his pace. He reached the bed Lingxui was curled up on, and sat on the edge.​

Lingxui looked at him, then down at his toes. "You have good timing," he said. "I have something I need to tell you. It's....I think it's important." He was no longer muttering under his breath, having switched into a solemn stillness. Wang Lei wasn't sure if he liked it.​

"I'm listening," said Lei.​

Lingxui nodded. "Six days ago, I acted very foolishly. Have you heard?" Before Lei could answer, Lingxui continued on. "See, I...I like to think that I could be a hero. Or, um. A guardian of justice. That sort of thing. Until this week, I hadn't realized that I was all show." His hands started trembling. "I thought...you know, I thought I could at least be remembered as a good person. But I've already....already lost my way..."​

Before Wang Lei could even begin to parse through the jumbled mess of sentences Lingxui was giving him, the latter had already begun to cry.​

o-o-o-o-o-o

Zheng Lingxui wasn't a normal child growing up. This was something that Zheng mother and father were peripherally aware of, but not something for which they could pin down a cause. It didn't take anything to realize it: the simple fact was, Lingxui was far too sad of a child to grow up well-adjusted.

The only person who could possibly understand the root of Lingxui's despair was none other than Lingxui himself. But even he can't narrow the existence of that feeling down to a moment, only a time frame.

At the age of two and a half, Lingxui was confronted with his own mortality and impermanence. It could have been a book that was read to him, or maybe just the way his brain had been wired in embryonic development, but two-year-old Lingxui woke up one day with a question bouncing around in his head: how does I prove that I exist?

It was a simple one to solve, for Lingxui. "I think, therefore I am," a different book had said, and Lingxui thought, therefore he was.

The next day, the question was far more insidious: how do I prove that I matter?

Lingxui....Lingxui didn't know what to do with this question. He mattered to his parents, surely (but they keep leaving). He must also matter to his older brothers (who he rarely sees). And...and there were servants who took care of him! But at the age of two and a half, Lingxui's bedtime stories had introduced him to the idea of friends that could be bought, and no matter how he thought about it the servants probably fell into this category.

His saving grace came with his maternal aunt's voice drifting through the doors. Vocal recognition was something even golems could do, never mind living and sentient toddlers. But if Lingxui pretended that it was a voice from heaven, a voice telling him that he was here, on this land, for a reason, then didn't it mean that he mattered? Didn't it?

Of course it did.

By age three, this excuse was wearing thin. In addition, Lingxui was being brought out to tour the streets more and more, and so his world was growing exponentially, multiplying by several folds. The first question all those months ago, which had seemed so easy to solve, now held a different meaning. Existence no longer meant simply living and breathing once society was brought into the picture. Existence meant remembrance, to be remembered and to exist in someone's mind. To fail to be remembered is a failure to exist.

The number of people who knew Lingxui existed were but a small fraction of the world at large. They were a single cluster of stars against an infinite sky, and very, very easy to snuff out. And even if they were, the world would still move on.

And Lingxui, so surrounded by all the strangers he'd never know, felt so incredibly small and stifled he couldn't help the tears making their way down his face.

He cried so much he could drown in them.

When Lingxui first understood the idea of heroes, it was translated like this: "There were great people who could do everything right, and so everyone loved them." And Lingxui who had always been terribly needy for affection and attention, clung to that concept like a lifesaver. Heroes were smart, talented, and righteous, and so they were important. So Lingxui learned well, worked hard, and poured endlessly over his collection of biographies, trying to search for that perfect way to deal with any situation.

In doing so, he'd turned his entire world into a single-dimensional plane, much like the pages of the books he so loved. What Lingxui had lost track of were the multiple facets of the universe. And indisputable fact: there was no one way to interpret an event, and so there was no one way to react to it. The world was ever-changing, ever-evolving, and Lingxui was screaming at to maybe stay still for a second so he could regain his bearings, but it wouldn't.

....and so Lingxui forgot about the concept of "alternatives." There could be no other way, if Lingxui were to understand the world.

Well, ignorance couldn't go on forever, and for the first time in a long time, Lingxui was forced to understand the fact that he was horribly and irreparably wrong, and those alternatives came right around to punch him in the face and cracked his rib. He had to look at his own self, unembellished, and realize that he couldn't be perfect.

And now that he'd done that, Zheng Lingxui didn't know what was left in himself.

o-o-o-o-o-o

"Lingxui, I-I can't understand what in the world you're saying," Wang Lei said, bewildered.

Lingxui sniffled, then accepted the tissue that was offered to him. "O-oh, sorry. I don't think I've slept more than two hours in a row this week. My thoughts aren't very fleshed out. I also haven't really tried to put this feeling into words before..."

"No, I mean," Wang Lei paused, pressingly concerned but deciding to act on it at a later time, "your sobs are making it a little hard to hear."

"Ah," Lingxui realized. "That's my bad. Sorry, let me just...just cry this out. Be right with you in fifteen."

A little while later, Lingxui was laying flat on his stomach and considerably more dry-eyed. "....I think I might have just been feeling homesick."

"And?" Lei prompted, because that could not have been all. Lingxui never had any problems living at the Sect.

"....and weak and useless. I used to think I'd just fade away one day, when I was younger. It kinda felt like that again this week."

Lei frowned, "No one's going to let you leave like that."

Lingxui's brows furrowed, "But a book that's not read might as well have not been written."

"A book is a book is a book," said Lei. "There's no way something so flat could be the same as real life."

Lingxui sat up, "Wait no, hear me out. Here, look at this." He passed over a book that he'd asked Gu Feng to get for him.

Lei cast a glance at the title, "Why are you reading up on wuxianese etiquette? We live in the Southern Kingdom, there'd be almost nothing of use." he flipped some pages and squinted at the unfamiliar alphabet. "What is this shit?"

Lingxui pressed on, ignoring him, "My life is probably nowhere close to an epic. But do you think I might be like a etiquette book, filled with how-to's, do's and do not's? Like a...a survival guide. There's probably a lot of do not's though."

"As if." Lei tossed aside the pages of incredibly small writing and turned towards the man on the bed. "Listen to me, okay? You matter a hell of a lot more than a book about dead people, and you're much more than a book of rules that was probably written by a dead person."

Lingxui blinked in surprise, and bit his lips pensively. He seemed to be unable to swallow down this idea.

"I think something is broken in me," he finally confessed.

"There's nothing broken about you," Wang Lei objected fiercely. "You just think differently."

"I shouldn't be thinking so different, then. I should start thinking like everyone else," Lingxui amended.

"It's a big world around these parts," Lei said, patting his friend's knee. "There's plenty of room for all of us. You may have not been the protagonist of that story, but you're still Lingxui. That's good enough."

"But who is Lingxui?" asked Lingxui.

Lei looked him right in the eye. "You're an idiot," he said, without any particular heat. "You're very self-centered. You're talented in many respects--"

"I've seem to lost my ability to fence," Lingxui said. "I might have to ask for lessons again."

"--and whatever you struggle in you put in a hundred times more effort to overcome."

"Oh."

"As for the rest, you need to let go of that mask and find out for yourself. There's no need to narrate your own life. I can confirm, right here and now, that you're more alive than you've ever been."

Lingxui cracked a smile. "...you're a good man, Wang Lei. I'm glad to have met you."

"Why does that sound like a farewell?" Lei asked, flatly.

"Because it is?" Lingxui furrowed his brows. "Having seen who I really am, you should know that I'm not worth following. You should go and live your own life now." Mistaking Lei's reluctance for who knows what, Lingxui said encouragingly, "You'll be very successful in whatever you choose to do."

Lei rolled his eyes. "I wasn't your follower to begin with. I'm your friend," he said, emphasizing the last word.

Lingxui looked shocked, "You want to be my friend?"

"Lingxui," Lei said with complete seriousness. "I've punched out a guy for talking shit about you. So yes, I want to be your friend. We're already friends."

("How dare he," said Gu Fa. "I've beaten up people for the young master, too!" Beside him, Gu Feng grunted in agreement.)

"Huh," Lingxui muttered, perplexed. "Oh, but I actually like narrating my life. Would this be a deal breaker?"

"I've already gone through everything," Lei said. "You do whatever makes you happy, I can handle it." He rubbed a hand over his face. "You know, this is somehow the most straightforward and yet most complicated conversation I've ever had with you, and the second part is saying a lot. Do you want to eat something or maybe go pet Tutu?"

Lingxui perked up. "You brought Tutu?"

"It could also be her sixth child," Lei admitted. "They look really similar and I was in a rush."

"Oh, little Liu! I like him very much, too!" Lingxui said happily.

Wang Lei froze. "...him?"

Lingxui cocked his head to the side. "Yes? The wilderness book said that male Ragou Rabbits have an arch in their feet. I thought I told you to read the book?"

"Wait." Lei had the expression of a man who didn't want to know. "Wait. If Liu is a boy, then who is ZiQi's (17) mother?"

Epilogue:

Spoiler

"So, you're Wang Lei," said the Zheng father. "I've heard....surprisingly little about you."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir," Wang Lei said respectfully.

"What I did hear," Zheng father continued, "wasn't that flattering, and I'd rather play it safe than sorry. It's probably not your fault, but please work hard to overcome that."

....After two years of hanging around Lingxui, Lei had an inkling of who may be sabotaging him behind his back. Two persons, actually. "Sir, I can't vouch for the accuracy of their reports."

Zheng father nodded understandingly, "Neither can I. But if you dare to bring that rabbit in and it multiplies in my household, I can be a very biased and judgmental person."

o-o-o-o-o-o

"Brother Lingxui!" called an imperious voice. Lingxui turned around to see his little sister gracefully coming up to him. Zhifei very casually laced her fingers with her older brother's and pulled him towards the courtyard. "Mother is already aware that we'll be going out today, so we should head out now."

Lingxui was confused. "We're going out?"

"Yes. I heard that third brother has been in low spirits lately," said Zhifei, resolute, "and I know just how to fix it."

"Oh," said Lingxui, a little pleased. "Where to?"

Zhifei smiled angelically, "We'll going to the auction hall. I'll help you buy up every item there, and we can revel in the tears and envy of the other bidders."

On second thought, her smile looked just shy of demonic.

o-o-o-o-o-o

"Oh, my little Lingxui," Zheng mother whispered pitifully, cradling her third son's face in her hands. "Zheng Yinzhou! Look at what you've done to your little brother!"

"Ah...Mother, I wasn't even in the same country..." the eldest Zheng son said, feeling wronged. He had come back once he heard his youngest brother wasn't feeling well, only to have accusation and accusation being thrown in his face.

Zheng mother raised a brow. "Then who do you want me to blame, Lei Chin? My precious daughter-in-law? The only reason I haven't told her she's too good for you is because the two of you would then have to break up!"

The eldest son quickly succumbed. "Yes, yes, you're right, it was all my fault. Mother, sometimes I wonder whether it's I or my fiancée who's your child."

"Nonsense, I love you both," Zheng mother said, still massaging Lingxui's cheeks. "But oh, Lei Chin is such a wonderful daughter-in-law. I hadn't thought I would ever see grandchildren until she descended from the heavens like a goddess. Zhihao, you unfilial brat, when are you finally settling down?"

The second eldest son sputtered. "Mother! I'm trying, okay? You don't go asking Lingxui whether he has someone he likes!"

At this, everyone turned to Lingxui, who bent his head down and steadily turned a deep red.

There was absolute silence.

...

"What the fuck?" said the second eldest son. "No way, really?"

Zheng mother was too dazed to scold him for his language. "My baby..." she said, wide-eyed.

"Lingxui," said the eldest son, suddenly serious. "Lingxui, you are under no circumstances allowed to date until you're eighteen. Do you hear me?"

"My baby," Zheng mother said again, almost tearfully this time.

Lingxui just kept blushing and staring at his knees.

o-o-o-o-o-o

"Now," Hui Yin said, smoothly. "tell Big Sister Yin what's wrong."

"N-nothing?" Lingxui said, eyes darting all around as if he expected a scorpion to crawl out of some obscure corner. "What...what do you mean? If ZiYi and ZiEr are bothering you again I'm really sorry about that."

When Hui Yin saw Zheng Lingxui and Wang Lei again, the former was more silent and subdued than she had ever seen him. So, she dragged them both into her lodgings (as the younger generation first person, she had her own house and her own bath), and pulled the visibly flustered Lingxui to sit with her on her bed.

There might be rumors arising from her uncharacteristic actions, but they'd be nothing Yin couldn't grind to dust with the heel of her foot.

Yin turned to Wang Lei, who she'd left standing awkwardly near the door. "It's your turn. Do a better job."

The look Wang Lei gave her was less than friendly, but he more or less told her everything that went down. He also casually walked over to sit on her bed, which gave Yin the urge to kick him off for his presumptuousness.

At the end of it, Hui Yin just sighed, an elegant little huff. "What an idiot you are," she said, tugging on Lingxui's ear. The ear turned a bright red, and seeing that made Yin feel pleased.

"Right?" Wang Lei said.

Lingxui laughed a little awkwardly, using his hands to cover his ears. "I-I will try to fix that," he squeaked out, finally.

"Hmph. You've caused me a lot of inconvenience, you know." Yin said, loftily. "We need to talk all about it over tea." A look of panic crossed over Lingxui's face, just like she knew it would. Oh yes, she had definitely heard the fool's little ramblings about scorpion beauties. Before Lingxui could work himself up into fleeing from her, though, Hui Yin graciously extended an olive branch. "Wang Lei, you can join us."

"Gee, thanks," he said, but it wasn't a refusal.

Writer's Note: As always, lmk any mistakes you spot.
Also....cough coughThere's a NSFW alt epilogue on the discord, in which tea isn't actually "tea," if you get what I mean...

I'll be posting more of my other fic!....Tomorrow?

 

@LBH : that neutral look of disapproval

but hey, slight progress?

 

Who is online?

 

The Adventures of Zheng Lingxui, Existentialist (Alternate Epilogue)

NSFW & R-18:: Tea is Served

Spoiler: Tags

3P, mild D/s undertones (....or maybe not that mild), cunninglingus, barebacking (like, once), sex toy(s), (off-screen) shower sex, implied voyeurism(?)
....damn, I sound like such a heathen. I swear this isn't all that kinky, and also it doesn't reflect on me as a person. Except the part where I can't write erotica.

Spoiler: NSFW

“Mmm. A little more to the left, sweetie. That’s it.” Hui Yin crooned to the man underneath her. “Nice, work that mouth.” Zheng Lingxui dutifully obeyed. His technique was a little sloppy, but his enthusiasm made up for it. Yin found that she didn’t mind the mess so much. “Sweetie, I let you put your hands on my thighs for a reason. If you can’t reach, use some body language to let me know. Come now, I want you to lick my clit.”

She maneuvered herself a little further back and enjoyed his ministrations with his tongue. As a reward, Yin reached over to Lingxui’s left nipple and tweaked it. A muffled whine greeted her, as well as a clenching of the hands splayed across her thighs. The vibrations hit her directly and pleasure crawled straight up her spine. She might have used a little too much force when grinding down.

“Shhhh,” she murmured, enjoying the little hitches in his breath. “A little more tongue.”

As expected of a man who talks so much so often. His linguistic prowess came with great oral endurance, and Lingxui’s tongue did not seem to have tired out at all.

Lingxui released a groan this time. Yin looked towards the other end of the bed, when Wang Lei was still diligently loosening up the muscles in Lingxui’s ass. He must have hit something good. ‘Keep up the good work,’ she mouthed to him, and Lei gave her a little half-smile.

A little more muscle work later and finally on the edge of an orgasm, Hui Yin reached both hands down and pinched Lingxui’s nipples. Hard. “Time to stop,” she told the man who’d already started gasping, his hot, humid breath lightly touching the folds of her labia.

She tugged on the left nub, which by now was already an engorged red. “Oops, sorry about that,” she said in response to the quiet keen. “Here, let me soothe that.” She picked herself off of him and the bed. “Put your hands on my headboard, sweetie,” she ordered, “and keep it there.”

After he’d satisfactorily fulfilled her demands, she reached over to the night table, which had, among other things, lube, tissues, condoms, and a vibrator. Taking some tissues, Hui Yin cleaned up Lingxui’s face, which was a mess of her juices and his saliva.

That done, Yin discarded the tissues and bent down to lick at the left nipple apologetically, before nipping at it with her teeth. Lingxui moaned with a quiet, “ah!” The right one, which was still the same pale pink color as when they started this tryst, she bestowed upon it a little kiss.

“How long has it been since I started sitting on your face,” she asked Lingxui. “upwards of 30 minutes?” He didn’t give her much of a reply beyond more panting, so she turned towards Wang Lei. “And you’re still prepping him? Does he actually need that much stretching?”

“What do you think,” said Wang Lei, completely flat. That’s when she catches the bulging package peeking out of the fold of Lei’s loosened robes; it was of an impressive girth.

“…Huh.” Hui Yin crossed her legs in order to hold back the sudden throb of desire in her sex. “Here, let me add a finger. Or two.”

Lubing up her fingers, Yin reached over to push them in alongside Lei’s. His fingers were slightly thicker than hers, and more calloused. When they rubbed against hers, it wasn’t an altogether unpleasant feeling.

Feeling coy, Hui Yin used her other hand to rub lightly at Lingxui’s left nipple, before letting her pristine nails rake over the red nub. Lingxui, who had been studiously trying to steady his breathing, fell into disarray again. His hands made an aborted motion to protect his chest area, but Yin clicked her tongue at him. “A-a-ah,” she warned. “Hands.” Twitching, Lingxui’s hands returned to their original position. His eyes have teared up though.

Figuring she’d tormented Lingxui enough, Yin diligently applied herself to loosening him up for the monster that was little Lei. In her explorations, she quickly found a bundle of nerves that when pressed made Lingxui cry out and attempt to close to the gap between his pale legs.

“Lingxui…” sighed Wang Lei. “You promised me you’d keep your legs parted.”

“But…I…” After a visible moment of struggle, Lingxui gradually relaxed his muscles.

“Good, very obedient,” praised Lei. Then he leaned down and bit the junction between Lingxui’s crotch and his inner thigh, prompting a short cry. “I’ll make this feel good.”

With their combined efforts, Yin and Lei managed to get Lingxui sufficiently prepped in the next fifteen minutes. By then, however, the latter could do no more than breathe and moan. And drool. It wasn’t a bad look for him, all things considered.

When Lei started positioning his condomed dick to enter Lingxui, Yin grabbed her trusty vibrator and retreated towards the side. He entered, centimeter by centimeter, bending over and groaning after he was completely inside the hot wetness. After a while of adjusting, Lei straightened back up and started a slow, measured pace.

(“How does this feel?” he said, between one thrust and another. “Can you feel me? Am I filling you up?”

“Ah! Full, yes you are--- A-ah! Wang Lei!”)

Meanwhile, Yin worked the toy into herself, and turned it on once it was secured. After a thorough cunninglingus, there was nothing better than a nice, clean finish. With that thought, Yin let herself fall over the edge and ride out of the waves of pleasure.

She snapped out of it just in time to see Wang Lei pick up the pace, his movements coming fiercer and harder, and evidently hitting a sweet spot, if the sounds Lingxui made were any indication. After two or three minutes of this treatment, Lei let out another groan and plunged in completely. His hips made shallow thrusting motions in the throes of pleasure. Before Lingxui could do the same, Yin reached over and wrapped her hand around the base of his rather pretty dick. She was rewarded with a long, needy whine.

Lei had pulled out and quietly removed the semen-filled condom. He was also looking at Yin as if she were a monster. “We have a very good mood here,” she explained. “Nice and erotic. I’m slightly worried if we let him come he’s going to get all his damaged brain cells back and start to monologue again.”

“No, I can’t,” came Lingxui’s plea, in between whimpers. “I need to---please---I need ---”

Yin was a little disappointed that he was still able to formulate half sentences, but before she could do anything, Lei took his bare and gradually softening dick and sheathed it into Lingxui’s body with a single hip thrust. Lingxui made a sound like a choked moan, and devolved into wordless pants after Yin thumbed the slit of his dick.

“I didn’t know you had it in you,” Yin said, a little impressed. She was also a little envious, should she have brought out her strap-on after all?

Lei’s eyes were closed, probably out of the sensation of being in a warm body so soon after ejaculation. “I thought that your words were pretty logical.” After a while, he pulled out again.

Yin laughed. “Well, I think we should start making our way to my bathroom, and clean up.” Lei nodded at her in acknowledgement.

She watched Wang Lei lift up the incoherent mess on the bed, only for his knees to nearly buckle when he tried to walk. He must have been weakened by all the pleasure, how amusing. Yin sent over a stream of fortifying qi to help him out; it wouldn’t do for Lei to drop Lingxui.

After Lei had already headed off to the bath, Hui Yin fixed up her robes so that her jade bunnies were no longer on the verge of bouncing out. Her lower part was a mess, though, and nothing but a long thorough shower could fix that. Yin straightened out her clothes and walked over to open her door. She was greeted by one retainer trying to comfort another who was crying about the defilement of their young master.

“Oh hello, little voyeurs,” she said, coyly. “Why don’t you reimburse me for my show and help me clean up? The bed is a complete mess.”

The twin glares that tried to eviscerate her were endlessly amusing, but Yin was surprised to find that the glares were also conflicted.

Quickly uncovering the root of the problem, Yin snorted and pulled the two brain damaged-retainers into her lodgings. “Don’t worry, none of your young master’s semen is on that bed. I haven’t let him orgasm.” She clicked the door shut behind them.

The look of conflict disappeared as if it was never there. Now all that was left was a teary-eyed anger. Retainer number one gritted his teeth, “You….I’m going to burn that bed and beat its ashes until there’s nothing left!” He was the one who had been crying. What an interesting dynamic.

“Yeah, yeah, you go do that,” Yin said with a slight wave of her jade hand. She made her way to the bathroom. “Just remember to get me a new one!”

(In the large bathtub, Yin and her partner-in-crime finally let Lingxui come as much as he wanted. It was only once, though, before he passed out right after.

Hui Yin, feeling a resurgence in her arousal, let Wang Lei (who grew hard again) fuck her to completion.

And damn, he was thick.)

Later, in her new, freshly linened bed with her two sex partners, Hui Yin looked at Lingxui’s serene, dozing little face and said, “Next time, you should fuck his mouth. I think I’ll ride him, or maybe pull out the strap-on and peg him.” She looked to the man on the other side of the bed. “What do you think?”

Wang Lei had the face of a goldfish, and also that of a man who wanted to get hard but couldn’t. “We’re not talking about this,” he choked out, finally, and decisively burrowed into her new bed sheets. “Good night.”

Yin looked back down at Lingxui, and idly caressed his jawline. She leaned down and whispered into his ear, “Men and their stupid refractory periods, am I right?”

Lingxui, still asleep, turned his head towards her in agreement.

SFW: Pokédex Entries

Spoiler: Cleaning Out Palates

Zheng Lingxui – Phione: "One foot into being a mythical. Too bad for pokégenetics."
Gu Fa and Gu Feng – Riolu: "Loyal until death!"
Wang Lei – Scyther: "Listen, these arms can kill just as well as they can till the fields."
Hui Yin – Froslass: "Goddamn chilly round these parts. And why is she smirking?"
Zheng Zhifei – Absol: "Embroils her enemies in disasters of her own making."
Lei Chin - Cresselia: "A beautiful midsummer dream."

Chapter 18 of Naïve System coming soon